Mother Earth… Aidy Bryant[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: The UN Climate Change Conference ended this week with many saying that not nearly enough was done to address the alarming rise in global temperatures. Here to comment is Mother Earth.[Mother Earth slides in] [cheers and applause]
Mother Earth: Hello. Hello. Us creatures are warning– No, I’m kidding. I’m normal. I talk normal. Yeah, I’m just a normal mom who’s hot and pissed.
Colin Jost: Well, thank you so much for being here, Mother Earth.
Mother Earth: Oh, you can call me Mama.
Colin Jost: Oh, okay. Mama. Sorry, Mama. I don’t know. Does that sound natural coming for me?
Mother Earth: No, it sounds really bad.
Colin Jost: Well, I do you like your dress? It’s super cool. Is that like a mythical Earth robe?
Mother Earth: No, I got this a Chico’s because it had a moon on the boob. Yeah, I cannot believe that people say the earth is flat. I mean look at these honkers. [showing her breasts]
Colin Jost: HR said I’m not supposed to. So, the climate summit just finished. How are you?
Mother Earth: Not well, daddy. Not well. Here’s the thing. I am not a hard ass. I mean, you guys got to admit. Because I’ve been a very cool mom. Okay? I let a lot of weird stuff slide. Like, I let you do see worlds. I let you put mascara on rats and monkeys. And you know, New York is like a mix of cabs and horses and I’m like, “I don’t love it, but do your thing.” You know? But now I am worried. I think I’m like sick.
Colin Jost: Is there anyone who can help you out? Is there like a father earth?
Mother Earth: No. I mean, I’m single mom. You know, I mean, I do have a casual hookup situation with Father Time. Like, we get kind of freakin nasty.
Colin Jost: Wow.
Mother Earth: Yeah, well, I wish it was a ‘wow’, but it’s more of like, “Okay, thank you.”
Colin Jost: Well, what can we all do to reverse the current climate crisis?
Mother Earth: Well, it’s all the things that you don’t want to do. Like, no more hamburgers or Forever 21. Stop throwing iPhones in the ocean. And can I just say one thing? Coal is from my ass. You know that, right? Like, you’re literally going down digging around my ass and grabbing coal nuggets. And then you’re like, “Oh, I think we should burn our mom’s ass rock.” And the sun is right there literally begging for a job. But you guys are like, “No, no, we have a grand tradition of burning our moms ass.”
Colin Jost: Well, don’t you think we can make new technology that can help with some of this?
Mother Earth: I don’t know. I feel like all I see is divorce nerds trying to colonize Mars. You know? And honestly, I know Mars. She’s a hot dry windy horn. You know that, right Colin?
Colin Jost: I’ve heard that. I don’t know about you. I just think I’m still hopeful that we can make it better.
Mother Earth: Aww, see? I’m gonna miss humans after you burn. You guys are cute.
Colin Jost: Well, before we go, is there anything else you want humans to know?
Mother Earth: Yeah. Yeah, there is. Um, your mother. I care about you. I love you. And this can go one of two ways. You helped me or I’m gonna kill you. Mama gonna kill you dead. Nah, I’m kidding. I love you guys. I think the corporations are really going to help ya.
Colin Jost: Mother Earth, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.