[Starts with Paul Rudd in SNL stage]
Paul Rudd: Every Christmas, we find ourselves returning to the old black and white Christmas classics. A Christmas Carol “It’s a Wonderful Life” or if you’re Pete Davidson, “Raging Bull”. On that note, here’s a piece we finished filming at 5am this morning, An evening with Pete. It’s got Pete Davidson, Mikey day, Chloe Fineman, Chris Redd, Andrew Dismukes and James Austin Johnson, and Colin Jost… sort of.
[Cut to Pete Davidson in his dressing room talking to himself]
Pete: Alright, Pete. You still got it baby. You’re the champ. You could still do update with the best of them.
Andrew: [knocks the door] Five minutes Mr. Davidson.
Pete: I’ll be there in six.
[Cut to the show hall. The bartender is a robot. Colin Jost is also a robot.]
Robot Colin Jost: Good evening. I’m Colin Jost. Here with his thoughts on the state of the world is our resident young person, Pete Davidson.
[Pete walks in]
Pete: Thank you. Thank you. As you know, I am from Staten Island. Do you guys know the difference between Gilligan’s Island and Staten Island? One’s full of a bunch of morons who are stuck there for the rest of their lives. And another one’s an old TV show.
Audience: Do Chad.
Pete: Yeah. No. Not gonna do that pal.
Audience: Come on. Just do Chad.
Pete: You can’t just do Chad. Okay? It takes two people. It’s like a whole thing.
Audience: Come on! Just do it.
Pete: Alright, fine. You want chad, I’ll do Chad. [takes a deep breath] Okay.
[audience laughing and clapping]
Robot Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.
[Instrumental beat of “Slim Shady” playing]
Pete: [rapping] Hi, my name is… what?
my name is… who?
my name is… wicked wicked warn baby
[Andrew and Chloe are watching Pete]
Chloe: Who exactly is the audience for this?
Andrew: I don’t know. God, he’s sweating like a pig.
Chloe: Yeah. He eats a whole turkey before coming on stage every night.
Andrew: God.
Chris: [to Pete] Hey, boss. Some guy is outside saying he knows you. He just tried to jump the line. Says he’s the right for you or something like that.
[Chris opens the door. Eddy Corbin is freezing outside]
Eddy Corbin: Pete! Hey, it’s your old pal Eddy Corbin. I brought you a Christmas present.
Pete: I’ve never seen him before in my life.
Eddy Corbin: But Pete, we shared an office together. I wrote all your updates and your sketches for you. I stayed up all night while you were at the Knicks games.
Pete: What do you want? A medal? Get out of here, you bum! Shut the door.
Eddy Corbin: It’s okay, Pete. It’s good to see you. Just text me whatever.
[Cut to Pete on stage]
Pete: Thank you. Thank you. Next, I’d like to do a song with my dear friend, Machine Gun Kelly.
[Pete puts an urn with Machine Gun Kelly’s photo on it on the chair]
I’ll take the first verse.
[Cut to Pete at the bar sitting with James]
Pete: So there I was completely dressed as the Grinch about to get into a fight with that no neck guy from ninth grade.
James: Great. I gotta go actually.
Pete: Oh. Okay. How about you ladies? Would you like another drink?
[ladies leave too]
[sad music playing. Pete is looking around at others. He’s alone. He opens the gift Eddy Corbin brought him. It’s marijuana.]
[Cut to Eddy Corbin shivering out at night. Pete walks to him.]
Pete: Cold night, huh?
Eddy: Yeah. Pete?
Pete: Come on, bud. We have a lot of catching up to do.
[Cut to Pete and Eddy sitting with the others]
Pete: You guys know how I was a famous sex symbol for reasons no one could understand. This is the guy who came up with that. He told me to do that.
Chloe: Seriously? How did you come up with that?
Eddy: Well, I woke up in the middle of the night, and I jotted it down. The rest is history.
Andrew: Was it also his idea of to like cover your body in tattoos and painfully removed them one by one?
Pete: Sure.
[Cut to Pete and Eddy alone]
Pete: Listen, Eddy. I know he never got the credit he deserved. So, I want you to have this. It’s one of my Oscars.
Eddy: Oh wow. Viola Davis Lifetime Achievement Award. Pete, where did you get this?
Pete: Do you want it or not?
Eddy: Yeah. Thank you.
[Cut to Pete at the stage]
Pete: Well, folks, it’s been a great night. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas. And remember, it’s not Christmas without fireworks and hot dogs.
Eddy: That’s 4th of July, Pete.
Pete: Yeah, that’s right. Anyway, we’ve come to the end of the show, which means it’s time for me to say…
[singing] goodbye for now
we’ll see each other again
we know that most always near
you know that I’ll be waiting here for you
waiting for you
Pete Davidson Show