Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.
[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of
[Cheers and applause]
[There’s a picture of a newspaper article that says “Democrats Retain Power in Senate” at left top corner.]
Well, everyone, Democrats have retained control of the Senate. [Cheers and applause] I don’t know if that’s really official, but we’re not a real news program, so I’m just gonna call it. I was actually surprised they won given President Biden’s low approval ratings. I guess Biden’s kind of like the “Jurassic World” movies, extremely successful despite a 4Michael Che% rating. [Laughter]
[Picture changes to Tucker Carlson]
Republicans, by the way, are not taking it well. Tucker Carlson, seen here struggling to make it through No Nut November, he criticized the voting— You guys are all doing it, too? Okay. Criticized the voting process and called electronic voting machines a threat to democracy. I’m actually not that worried about the voting machines. I’m worried that they’re being operated by the oldest people I’ve ever seen. Truly, this year, the woman who gave me my ballot was wearing two stickers, one that said, “I voted,” and another that said, “I survived the Titanic.”
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Raphael Warnock and Herschel Walker at right top corner.]
Michael Che: The key Senate race in Georgia between Raphael Warnock and Herschel Walker will move on to a runoff in December. But Walker has offered Warnock $500 to just, you know, take care of it, baby.
[Picture changes to an article that says “Black voters frustrated they must save the senate again”]
Many Black voters in Georgia were frustrated with another runoff election because the burden of saving the Senate fell on them once again. It’s happened so often, there’s already a movie about it.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hershel Walker at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: In a speech yesterday, Herschel Walker called America “The greatest country in the United States.” But, on the plus side, at least he has a general idea of where he is. Walker then apologized for misspeaking saying, “I know I’m not always the sharpest tool in the refrigerator.”
[Picture changes to Mark Kelly and Blake Masters]
Senator Mark Kelly defeated challenger Blake Masters in the Arizona Senate race. Masters can now return to his true passion of… I’m gonna guess strangling hitchhikers?
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]
Michael Che: President Biden said that he plans to run again in 2024 but won’t make a final decision until early next year. Because it’s like his doctor told him, “I wouldn’t plan too far ahead.”
After this year’s election,a record setting 12 states will have female governors while the other 38 states will have dinner ready on time. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “25 year old elected to congress” at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A 25 year old from Florida will become the first Gen Z member of Congress. “Younger,” said Matt Gaetz.
[Picture changes to Rupert Murdoch and Donald Trump]
Rupert Murdoch, this week officially turned on Donald Trump. First, the “New York Post” ran a cover calling Ron DeSantis Ron DeFuture, even though Rhonda Future sounds more like a drag queen from outer space. Then on Thursday, the “Post” showed Donald Trump as an egg sitting on a wall with the headline, “Trumpty Dumpty,”which had to be the easiest Photoshop job in history. And now Trump is threatening to reveal unflattering information about Ron DeSantis. For example, did you know Ron DeSantis is in charge of the state where some maniac was hiding stolen nuclear secrets?
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Covid leads to iPhone production delay at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Apple is saying that COVID in China has led to a slowdown in iPhone production. Wow. So I guess the new variant does affect children.
I love this crowd.
Colin Jost: Nearly half a billion dollars was spent in California on campaigns aimed at legalizing sports gambling online but failed by a wide margin. Said supporters of the bill, “Okay, double or nothing.”