Family Feud

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Jennifer Lawrence… Ariana Grande

Tilds Swinton… Kate McKinnon

Javier Bardem… Beck Bennett

Idris Elba… Jay Pharoah

Quentin Tarantino… Taran Killam

Martin Scorsese… Jon Rudnitsky

Woody Allen… Kyle Mooney

Kevin Smith… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play Family Feud celebrity edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks to the stage]

Steve Harvey: Yeah, okay. Okay now, welcome to celebrity Family Feud. This is one of our four different day time shows at I host. Every one of them is playing right now in that little TV that you can watch while you’re pumping your gas. Alright, today we got great actors versus great directors. Okay, on the actors side talks like a man but PH balance for a woman is Jennifer Lawrence.

[Cut to Jennifer Lawrence]

Jennifer Lawrence: They told me not to do game show but I was like, “Screw it. I can have fun. I’m a regular person.”

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know, you say you’re a regular person more than any regular person I know. Alright next, she’s one of the top actresses in all of outer space, Tilds Swinton.

[Cut to Tilds Swinton]

Tilds Swinton: I want a Mafter, that’s a bafter they give on moon.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, whatever you say David boy. Alright, next from no country for old men, say hello to Javier Bardem.

[Cut to Javier Bardem]

Javier Bardem: It is a wonderful thing to play this game. I am very aroused by competiton.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh. Oh, you spicy little pot of pie, ain’t you? Okay, and finally, I don’t know if I’ve ever heard of this person. But he was in a movie called ‘Beast of no nation’. Let me try to pronounce this right. Mellis Dellis.

[Cut to Idris Elba]

Idris Elba: Um, actually the name is Idris Elba mite. You know, I’ve been around.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ay, it’s all clicks and buzzes, player. Let’s go to the directors side. He’s a maniac who has made some of my favorite movies, Quentin Tarantino.

[Cut to Quentin Tarantino]

Quentin Tarantino: Yeah, hey, thanks Steve. Yeah. You know, this is good. It’s sort of like spaghetti western, right? But there’s surprises at the end.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ay, take it down player. For us, it’s 10 in the morning, but for you it’s day three. Okay, next we got the director of Raging Bull and Goodfellas, Martin Scorsese.

[Cut to Martin Scorsese]

Martin Scorsese: Great to be here, Steve. Really, really great. Love the suit. Classic styling. I love it. I love it.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, I’m a big fan of your work. I loved you as the grandfather in Up. Next, you know him from Hannah and her sisters, and that whole thing where he went on head to merit his daughter. Woody Allen.

[Cut to Woody Allen]

Woody Allen: Thank you Steve. And while I appreciate your comprehensive introduction, what’s past is past. Both parties– Let’s move on.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Whatever you say Big Love. And finally, from Jay and Silent Bob, it’s Kevin Smith.

[Cut to Kevin Smith]

Kevin Smith: Hello folks, it’s the fat man on Batman. Thanks for having me on the podcast, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Podcast? Are you high right now?

[Cut to Kevin Smith]

Kevin Smith: Oh, hell yeah!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, well, okay then player. I’ll meet you at the parking lot after the show. Well, give me two players. Let’s play the feud.

[Steve Harvey walks to the game stage and Jennifer Lawrence and Quentin Tarantino follow him]

How are you all feeling?

Jennifer Lawrence: Pretty good, man.

Quentin Tarantino: Yeah, really great. Really great. I think great man!

Steve Harvey: You know, you two look like you should switch voices. Alright, 100 people surveyed, top five answers on the board. Name a bad habit that you just can’t quit.

[Jennifer Lawrence presses the buzzer]

Jennifer.

Jennifer Lawrence: I’m just like it’s an alcoholic. I mean, I love Pringles. If no one’s looking, I’ll eat like, a whole can. Like, everyday is my cheat day. You know what I mean?

Steve Harvey: Oh, how annoyingly relate-able. Show me another pretty girl says she likes to eat.

[The game board shows ‘Snacks’] [right answer bell]

Oh, number one, it’s up there. Alright, let’s go to the actors side. Okay, Tilds Swinton, what’s a bad habit you just can’t quit?

Tilds Swinton: Feasting on the blood of innocent. I’m kidding. Cookies.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you a curious little woodpecker. Show me, vampires got to feed.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh! Not there. Javier Bardem, bad habit you just can’t quit.

Javier Bardem: Ha-ha-ha. This one is very obvious, you know? Beautiful women.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you a hopeless romantic, huh?

Javier Bardem: Yeah.

Steve Harvey: Show me, gotta get that ass!

[wrong answer buzzer]

I’m sorry player. Let’s go over to black Jason Statham, a bad habit you just can’t quit.

Idris Elba: I don’t know, mite. You know, gotta stop running around the pubs, you know? Caught down a bit. That’s shit, blood. You know?

Steve Harvey: Might as well be under water. Show me something that might be England.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Yeah, I didn’t think so. Alright, the directors with the chance to steal. A bad habit you just can’t quit.

Kevin Smith: Podcast!

[the directors are saying their answer cross-talking]

Steve Harvey: Okay, all good answers. But Quentin Tarantino, it’s up to you.

Quentin Tarantino: Well, there’s so many possibilities here, right Steve? I mean, but the thing is you can’t look at the possibilities man. You have to look at your own unique reality. So, for me, that’s like trying for perfection every time, man! do you get that Steve? Do you get what I’m saying?

Steve Harvey: Oh, I hear you player. Yeah I know what you’re exactly trying to say. Show me cocaine.

[The game board shows ‘Drugs’] [right answer bell]

Oh! Well, I guess drugs are the answer. The directors win like always. We’re gonna take a break. When we come back, I’ll give you a sneak preview of my new show that I’m hosting where kids fight each other on the stage. We’ll see y’all in a minute.

Woody Harrelson 1989 Monologue

Woody Harrelson

Liam Hemsworth

Josh Hutcherson

Jennifer Lawrence

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Woody Harrelson.

[The band is playing music] [1 walks in and to the stage.] [cheers and applause]

Woody Harrelson: Thank you. Thank you. It’s so great to be standing here. In fact, there’s 25 years almost to the day since the first time I hosted Saturday Night Live in 1989. I just heard Taylor Swift album which is called 1989. But with all due respect to miss Swift, I think I know a little bit more about 1989 than she does.

[Someone hands over Woody Harrelson a guitar]

Ah! Thank you. Even if the memories are a little fuzzy, because of the drugs.

[Woody Harrelson starts playing guitar and singing like the song ‘Blank Space’]

Seemed like it would last forever
1989
The Berlin Wall fell down
Cher sang Turn Back Time
Michael Keaton, he was Batman
I’m not sure who was president
I think I had a molly
After that I just forget
Oh, wait! I remember
I was on a show called Cheers
Then I won an Emmy
then got drunk on million beers
thought I met Margaret Thatcher
but it was Sadam Hussain
then I got a blank space baby
coz I used to do cocaine

This is a little bit, you know, I mean it was 1989. Wow!

[2 and 3 walk in and hug Woody Harrelson] [cheers and applause]

Hey man! Last man in year. I haven’t seen you guys since– what was that– we did that thing together. What was..

Speaker 3: The Hunger Games, man!

Speaker 2: Hunger Games.

Woody Harrelson: Oh, yeah, yeah! You guys here to help me sing the Taylor Swift song about it? 1989?

Speaker 3: Well, actually, we weren’t even alive in 1989.

Speaker 1: What? How old are you guys?

Speaker 2: Well, I’m Twentyfour. He’s twentwo.

Speaker 1: Oh, my god! I thought you guys were like, in your early fourtys.

Speaker 3: No, we just know the stuffs you told us about 1989. Like, the Berlin Wall was torn down by the Kool-Aid Man.

Speaker 2: Einstein invented wifi.

Speaker 1: [laughing] I told you that in 1989, Einstein invented wifi? That is crazy.

Speaker 4: Guys. [4 walks in] [cheers and applause]

Woody Harrelson: Oh, my god!

[Woody Harrelson hugs 4’s leg]

Speaker 4: What’s happening?

Speaker 1: I can’t believe. I mean, the real Taylor Swift. [audience laughing]

Speaker 4: Woody, I’m not Taylor Swift.

Speaker 1: Hah?

Speaker 4: I’m Jennifer. We’ve done about ten Hunger Games movies together.

Speaker 1: So, yeah. I didn’t recognize you without the big purple hair.

Speaker 2: No, no, no! Woody, that’s no–

Speaker 4: Not worth it.

[Cut to Woody Harrelson and 4]

Speaker 1: So, you gonna help me sing this, Jen? Or what?

Speaker 4: I don’t really think anyone wants to hear me sing. [cheers and applause] No! No! I wasn’t saying that to get your support. I don’t care. Just, when I sing, I sound like a deer that has been caught in a fence.

[Cut to 2 and 3]

Speaker 2: I would say it’s more like a dog being hit by a truck.

Speaker 3: Well, like one of those goat that screams like a human. [3 screams] [Cut to everybody]

Speaker 4: I think I get the point. Yes. Woody, if you wanna sing about 89 and you don’t remember the details, just, you know, keep it vague.

[Cut to Woody Harrelson and 4]

Yeah! It’s like you always say. “Hey, man! You always over think it. You just gotta [blabbers].” You’re always so stoned.

[Cut to everybody]

Speaker 1: That does sound like a great advice. Okay. Two, three, four…

[music playing]

89 is forever
never, it will never die

[2 and 3 sing backup harmony]

there was probably a winter
there was also 4th of July

Everybody: Everybody had a birthday
England probably had a queen
Now it’s twentyfive years later

Woody Harrelson:  The year, twentysixteen.

[Cut to Woody Harrelson and 4]

Speaker 4: twentysixteen, huh?

Woody Harrelson: Oh! This is so silly. I’m telling you guys, I smoked a lot of herb before I came here tonight.

[Cut to everybody]

Alright, we got a great show tonight. Kendrick Lamar is here. Stick around and we will be right back. .