Weekend Update Putin Misinformed by Advisers Will Smith Resigns from Academy

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Vladimir Putin at left top corner.]

Intelligence officials are saying that Vladimir Putin is being misinformed by his advisers about how badly the Russian military is performing in Ukraine, which is kind of like Will Smith agent telling him “You crushed it at the Oscars.” Will Smith, for those of you who don’t know, walked on stage during the Academy Awards and slapped Chris Rock after he made a joke about Jada Pinkett Smith, which I think was a disgraceful act that sets a terrible precedent for having to defend your wife at award shows.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’ a picture of Will Smith at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During his acceptance speech, Will Smith said “Love will make you do crazy things.” You know it also makes you do crazy things? Crazy. But I understand where Will’s coming from. I mean, you can’t expect him to sit there and watch another man jump all over his wife without signing an NDA.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Will Smith at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Yesterday, Will Smith resigned from the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. He wasn’t going to but then Jada gave him that look. If Will Smith had been expelled, he would have joined a small group of people kicked out of the academy, including Bill Cosby, Roman Polanski and Harvey Weinstein. Or as they’re also known, Bad Boys For Life. [Picture changes to a fake movie poster featuring them all] [Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Will Smith, Jada Pinkett Smith and Chris Rock at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Also, can we stop pretending everybody knew Jada had alopecia? I mean, as much as we heard about Jada and Will’s personal lives, you can’t expect this to retain everything. It’s like Kanye saying, “Don’t act I know I had psoriasis.” Just selfishly, as a comedian, I’m tired of people putting their own insecurities on our joke intentions. I mean, I can’t make a joke about it being cold outside without somebody yelling back “Stop making fun of my small penis. Keep my small penis… out your mouth.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chris Rock at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I also really love that the reason they let Will Smith stay in the audience was that they asked Chris Rock and he said it was okay. So now, we just asked the victim right after they get hit in the head? “Hey, you cool if the guy who just attacked you hangs around for a while? You don’t want to make a man again!” I can’t believe the Academy has a worst concussion protocol than the NFL. And honestly, I can’t even blame the Academy for not knowing what to do. Nobody knew what to do. Even people at the Oscars were googling, “Did Will Smith just slap Chris Rock?” I think we should just acknowledge that that was one of the craziest things we will ever see in our lives. It’s truly like the Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction ,but if Janet’s nipple slapped Timberlake.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Will Smith, Jada Pinkett Smith and Chris Rock at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Not to mention, Chris Rock has been very public about his nonverbal learning disorder, which means it’s hard for him to understand nonverbal signals, sort of like how when he saw an angry Will Smith charging towards him and instead of moving out of the way, he put both his hands behind his back smiled and said, “Oh-Oh!”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Madison Cawthorn at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And in non Oscars news, Republican Congressman Madison Cawthorn, who’s the one on the right, said in a recent interview that 70 Old Republicans invited him to an orgy and did cocaine in front of him. Wait, so you went to the old man orgy? And you thought the weird part was drugs?

[Picture changes to Lindsey Graham]

Senator Lindsey Graham seen here picturing the orgy Madison Cawthorn said that Ketanji Brown Jackson is a person of exceptionally good character but he would not support her for the Supreme Court. So like many southern gentleman, he’s comfortable with black folks until they try to move in next door.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Vladimir Putin at right top corer.]

Michael Che: US officials are concerned that Vladimir Putin is keeping military units positioned near Kyiv despite earlier promises to withdraw. Putin’s failure to pull out has earned him the nickname Nick Cannon.

Mermaids

Taran Killam

Corel…Ariana Grande

Oceana… Cecily Strong

Bobby Moynihan

Smith… Beck Bennet

Shud… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a clip of a book ‘True Tales From The Sea’]

Male voice: True Tales From The Sea. By fishing boat captain, Deacon Pritchard, 1906.  [The book opens] Caught in a storm, my crew and I were flown overboard, sent to a watery grave. But the next morning, we woke on our boat deck. The circumstances of our rescue, not to be believed.

[Cut to three men waking up]

Taran: I am alive. But who plucked from the sea?

[Corel comes out. She’s a mermaid.]

Corel: I did.

Taran: My god!

[Oceana appears next to Bobby]

Oceana: And I saved you.

Bobby: Can’t be.

[Cut to Smith]

Smith: And who is my enchanting rescuer?

[Shud comes out. She looks really ugly.]

Shud: Me, man.

Smith: Oh my god, what is that?

Shud: I’m a mermaid, man!

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Oceana: I am Oceana.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Corel: And I am Corel

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Shud: My name is Shud.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Taran: It’s just like in the story books. Half woman, half fish.

Corel: Blue fish to be exact.

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Oceana: I am part Marlin.

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Shud: Me? I’m working with about 35% woman, 65% blab fish.

Smith: Oh, god! What are blab fish?

Shud: We live on the sea floor deep in the Mariana Trench. Made only of jellyton, hence my sleek sheen. And here’s a picture of my mom for reference.

[Shud shows Smith a picture of an ugly fish]

Gorgeous. That was her on her wedding day. I have her looks, thank god.

Smith: My mermaid blows.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Taran: Now, I believe in love at first sight for you are the most beautiful creature I have ever laid my eyes upon, Corel.

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Bobby: My sweet Oceana, you’ve captured my heart with a mere flutter of your eyelash.

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Shud: I’m waiting.

Smith: Ah, you’re so big, Shud.

Shud: Oh, thanks man. Excuse me, I need to take a breath.

[Shud makes weird exhaling noises]

Nailed it. Thank you.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Taran: Ah! Sweet ocean maidens, I would do anything for you to walk with us upon the land.

Corel: There is a way. All it takes is a kiss.

Taran: Yes. Yes, of course.

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Bobby: It would be an honor.

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Smith: Can I just give her cash?

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Oceana: Now my sisters, let’s recite the enchanted spell. If a mermaid kisses a human male, a pair of legs shall replace her tail.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Corel: And once she walks on land above, she will find her one true love.

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Shud: A blab fish has two mouths. One for breathing and one for food absorption. The human male should kiss the food mouth which consist of the whole face in front ass.

Smith: Can I give a hug, or like a high-five? This chick takes dumbs out of her mouth.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Corel: We are sea sisters. Therefore, all of us must receive a kiss for the spell to work.

Taran: You kiss her Smith. That’s an order.

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Bobby: Yeah, just kiss your blab fish, Smith!

[Bobby kisses Oceana and Oceana starts singing] [Cut to Taran and Corel. Taran kisses Corel and Corel starts singing.] [Cut to Smith and Shud]

Shud: Open wider!

[Smith and Shud kiss. Shud stats singing the Lion King chant.]

That was hot.

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Oceana: When we reach shore, our transformation will be complete.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Corel: We are your’s forever.

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Shud: Blab fish lives about a 175 years, FYI.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Taran: We shall marry this evening. Set a coarse for the shore.

[Cut to everybody]

Corel: We’ll see you there.

[Corel and Oceana gets back to the water]

Shud: Mating wise, usually a male attaches to my body and I absorb his gonet. And then his body fuses to my sheen. But we’ll figure something out.

Smith: Wow, it’s so nice for you to help work out a way that my nut will melt off.

Shud: I’ll see you soon baby.

[Shud fats]

Hey, are you looking down my shirt?

Smith: Ew, no!

[Cut to the book closes]