Tag: Celebrity

Weekend Update- James Austin Johnson’s Random Celebrity Impressions

Colin Jost

James Austin Johnson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well guys we only have about a minute left at the end of update. Here to fill it with some random impressions as James Austin Johnson. All right, James, what is your first impression?

James Austin Johnson: Okay, here we go. This is Adam Driver as Kylo Ren from Star Wars on the show, Girls. Here we go. [impersonating Adam Driver] Hanna, do you know how difficult it is? To be on the Dark Side of the Force? No, you don’t because you’re a child.

Colin Jost: Great. Great. What else you got? What else you got?

James Austin Johnson: Batman and he’s reading “Where’s Waldo”?

Colin Jost: This is Batman reading “Where’s Waldo”.

James Austin Johnson: [impersonating Batman] Where is he?

Colin Jost: Okay. Great. I think we’re already running out of time.

James Austin Johnson: Okay. This next impression would make a great sketch on the show. You should consider it? This is Jay Z and he’s downstairs.

Colin Jost: Okay.

James Austin Johnson: [impersonating Jay Z] Beyonce! Beyonce! Beyonce!

Colin Jost: How would you play Jay Z?

James Austin Johnson: Oh, he’d be downstairs. We don’t see him because he’s downstairs.

Colin Jost: Okay. James, I don’t think you put much though into this.

James Austin Johnson: Okay, look, I have a stockpile of useless two second impressions that I don’t know what to do with. So I just kind of thought why not do them on a Update where it doesn’t really matter. I get these impressions out? Okay. It’s my brand. All right? Bartenders won’t even look at me at the after party unless I do my Trump voice. [impersonating Trump] We’ve been waiting a very long time for that Negroni. This is much too long. It’s a three ingredient drink. We’re very thirsty. Very, very thirsty. We love Negroni.

Colin Jost: Alright, we have time for one more impression, but it’s gotta be quick.

James Austin Johnson: Okay, I got the perfect one. This is Bob Dylan cell phone on vibrate.

[Michael Che laughing] [James Austin Johnson making vibrating sound]

Colin Jost: James Austin Johnson, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

The Price Is Right Celebrity Edition

Drew… Beck Bennett

Lil’ Wayne… Chris Redd

Ramal… Kenan Thompson

Tilda Swinton… Kate McKinnon

Marcia… Leslie Jones

Chris Hemsworth… Alex Moffat

Amanda… Miley Cyrus

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Derek… Pete Davidson

Ariana Grande… Melissa Villaseñor

Tony Bennett… Alec Baldwin

Sofia Vergara… Cecily Strong

[Starts with ‘the Price is Right’ intro] [Cut to Drew]

Drew: Welcome back to the ‘Price is Right’. The favorite show of people who are in between jobs. Hang in there. I’m your host, Drew Carey. It’s celebrity week. Hollywood’s biggest stars are playing alongside contestants from our studio audience. Starting with Lil Wayne and Ramal.

[Cut to Lil’ Wayne and Ramal]

Lil’ Wayne: Bitches love lil’ Weezy. And Lil’ Weezy loves moolah, baby!

Ramal: Yeah. And Ramal Johnson also loves moolah, baby.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Tilda Swinton and Marsha.

[Cut to Tilda Swinton and Marcia]

Tilda Swinton: I’ve been watching ‘the Price is Right’ since I was a little girl growing up on the planet Krypto.

Marcia: Um, yeah. I’m going to need another famous person.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Ah! No tradesies. Next up from the new ‘Thor’ movie, Chris Hemsworth and Amanda.

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda]

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, good day. I’m Chris and I walked here. I like to walk, yeah? Get the blood pumping. yeah. Back home, I walk from Mumumaloo over to Katoomba up to the Hawke’s Bay river and that was all before I had me morning Salmon. First question, yes.

Amanda: You’re really cute.

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah. Sorry, love. I’m married.

Amanda: Do you have a brother?

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: And Bernie Sanders and Derek.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Derek

Bernie Sanders: Thank you. It’s good to be here. [cheers and applause] But I just wanna say this show is a travesty. Consumerism disguised as entertainment. That being said, I do need a new dinette set.

Derek: Are you okay?

Bernie Sanders: Better than ever. We’re gonna win this thing the Bernie way. Which means if I lose, I’ll being everyone else down with me.

Derek: Whoo! Bernie’s back!

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright. The winner of this round will join Ariana Grande and the legendary Tony Bennett who are standing by at the wheel.

[Cut to Tony Bennett and Ariana Grande]

Ariana Grande: I’m excited to spin that wheel with you, Tony.

Tony Bennett: What?

Ariana Grande: We’re gonna spin the wheel.

Tony Bennett: Yeah, my grandfather worked in steel, too.

Ariana Grande: No. The wheel.

Tony Bennett: Wheel! That’s right. Just like the tiny little wheels of cheese you eat because you’re a mouse. Speaking of wheels, are your intestines spinning out of control? If so, reach fo some Imodium AD. [Tony Bennett shows a box of Imodium AD] AD stands for Anti-dump. Give it a chance before you fill your pants. Reach for Imodium AD. It will keep your colon sighter than a Scotsman’s coin purse. Back to you, Bob Barker.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: It’s Drew. It’s been Drew for 10 years. Okay. Alright, now, let’s start the bidding on a Samsung high efficiency washing machine. Our guest announcer Sofia Vergara will explain the features.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara standing with a brand new washing machine]

Sofia Vergara: Yes, thank you, Drew. This appliance, a big capacity and fast spin. Like a cat in a tornado. I love the image I create with my own words.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Thank you, Sofia. And what movie are you here to promote?

[Cut to Sofia Vergara]

Sofia Vergara: Pepsi! [holding a Pepsi can] [Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright. Lil’ Wayne an Ramal, your bid.

[Cut to Lil’ Wayne and Ramal]

Ramal: Oh, man. I could really use a new washing machine.

Lil’ Wayne: We bid $92,000.

Ramal: Wait man. That’s a little high.

Lil’ Wayne: I’m a little high. Here, have some, it’s basically poison. [passing Ramal his cup of drink] [Ramal takes a sip]

Ramal: Damn! $92,000!

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Okay. Put $92,000 on the board. Tilda Swinton and Marcia, your bid.

[Cut to Tilda Swinton and Marcia]

Tilda Swinton: Oh, I’m alright. I don’t need another tiny spaceship. Mine is working fine.

Marcia: What is this little dutch boy talking about? This is a washing machine.

Tilda Swinton: Oh, a washing machine. Of course. I bid David Bowie’s soul. Wink, wink. [whispering] I have it.

Marcia: Someone call 911. That is a pistachio loose from the nut house.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Okay. Let’s put David Bowie’s soul on the board. Next, we have Chris Hemsworth and Amanda. What’s your bid?

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda]

Chris Hemsworth: Um, I would like to phone a friend, mate.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: As I have already told you multiple times back stage, that’s not a thing you can do on this show.

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda. Liam Hemsworth is with them.]

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, too late. I already did it to my brother.

Liam: I ran here as soon as you called, mate.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright, how much do you think the washer costs?

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth, Amanda and Liam Hemsworth]

Chris Hemsworth: Well, in the outback mate, we don’t really use money. We rely on a complex bartering system.

Amanda: Oh, no. That ain’t good.

Liam Hemsworth: We bit 150 crocodile teeth. Boom! Ha-ha.

Chris Hemsworth: Love it.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Put that on the board if you can. And finally, Derek and Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Derek]

Bernie Sanders: I’ll tell you what I think, Drew.

Derek: Already a bad start.

Bernie Sanders: The real problem in this country is American consumerism. Who needs a washer? When I need to wash that one suit I own, I just wait until it rains. I stand outside for DrewMarcia minutes. And then I jog behind a bus until the exhaust dries me off.

Derek: Okay, cool. But I need this money.

Bernie Sanders: Oh, you need money. I’ll tell you how to get money. Here’s what you do. When you go to a gas station and you see the ‘Take a penny, leave a penny’, you always take a penny. That’s how I bought my first house. Our bid is eight cents, Drew. And that’s a generous price.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: The actual price is $600.

[winner music playing. The camera zooms to Bernie Sanders and Derek]

Bernie Sanders and Derek, you’re the only team that didn’t over-bid or bid in non-currency. So you are our winner. [Cut to Drew] When we come back, you will have a chance to play plinko. Sofia, tell them how it works.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara standing in front of the game board.]

Sofia Vergara: It’s Plinko.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Thanks Sofia. I love the way she moves.

[Tony Bennett walks in]

Tony Bennett: And speaking of moves, are your pipes clogged up worse than a Porta Potty at Lollapalooza?

Drew: Please don’t do this.

Tony Bennett: Then reach for Dulcolax. [showing a box of Dulcolax] You drop one of these plinko chips into your tum tum and 10 minutes later, your sphincter starts paying out like a slot machine. We are talking the loosest slots in Carson city.

Drew: Alright, we’ll be right back.

Tony Bennett: [singing] Dulcolax, we’ll blow up your hole.

Drew: With more of the Price is Right.

Celebrity Family Feud- Super Bowl Edition

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Justin Bieber… Kate McKinnon

Samuel L. Jackson… Leslie Jones

Paula Deen… Aidy Bryant

Roger Goodell… Beck Bennett

Gisele Bundchen… Kristen Stewart

Bill Belichick… Bobby Moynihan

Casey Affleck… Alex Moffat

Lady Gaga… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play “Family Feud: Super Bowl edition.” Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks to the stage]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Okay, ow, welcome to “Celebrity Family Feud.” Now, in honor of my meeting with Donald Trump, I’m wearing a Trump tie. Trump tie ties so long they put a little tickle in your pickle. Now, this is the Super Bowl edition so we bot celebrity New England Patriot fans taking on celebrity Atlanta Falcons fans. And on the Atlanta side, first up is Falcons fans and little musical rascal, Justin Bieber.

[Cut to Justin Bieber]

Justin Bieber: Um, yeah. What’s up Steve. I don’t know if you’ve heard but I’m not bad no more. Um, but I can still do this. [starts jumping around] [Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh, okay. Next we got the official voice of the Falcons, Samuel L. Jackson

[Cut to Samuel L. Jackson]

Samuel L. Jackson: It’s about time we got these mother flipping Falcons in the mother flipping Super Bowl

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Umm, I don’t know, there’s something different about you, Samuel L. Jackson. Okay, next, we got the most famous Chef in Georgia and America’s leading cause of diabetes, Paula Deen.

[Cut to Paula Deen]

Paula Deen: Yeah, I love the Super Bowl. While the boys are throwing around the old pig skin, I’m going to cook a pig skin and serve it with a side of cheesy Fajiddles.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Alright. Finally on the Falcon side, the man who suspended Tom Brady for deflate-gate, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.

[Cut to Roger Goodell]

Roger Goodell: Hello, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Now wait, you really a Falcons fan?

[Cut to Roger Goodell]

Roger Goodell: Absolutely. Love the Falcons. Doesn’t have anything to do with not wanting to give the Super Bowl trophy to Tom Brady.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, man! You’re going to be watching the game with the same face Obama had while watching this year’s election. Just like, [making serious face]. Alright, over on the Patriots side, first up we got Brazilian supermodel and Tom Brady’s wife, Gisele Bundchen.

[Cut to Gisele Bundchen]

Gisele Bundchen: I love the American Super Bowl where millions of people come together to watch TV and teat this garbage.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh! You know, your name sounds like what my underwear be doing sometimes. Gisele Bundchen. Next up, we got a successful millionaire who dresses like a seventh grade boy. The Patriots head coach Bill Belichick.

[Cut to Bill Belichick]

Bill Belichick: Good evening, Steve. We’re having fun here, right?

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Bill, cheer up, man! You’ve won six super bowls and I have never seen you laugh. Give me a laugh, Bill, come on.

[Cut to Bill Belichick]

Bill Belichick: [trying to laugh] Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, I’m sorry I asked. Alright, next, we got an actor from Massachusetts and a Oscar favorite, Casey Affleck.

[Cut to Casey Affleck]

Casey Affleck: Um, how are you doing, Steve? I, uh, I’m doing good. I guess excited for the Super Bowl. Um, go Pats and all, right?

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh my god, you like the first half of commercial for anti-depressants. And finally, this year’s Super Bowl halftime performer, Lady Gaga.

[Cut to Lady Gaga]

Lady Gaga: Thank you, Steve. [singing] I got a million reasons my halftime show will rock

They said I can’t be political. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna. [winks] [Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh my god. Seeing you before the football fans is going to be like Toby Keith hosting the Tonys. Let’s play a game. Give me Gisele, give me Justin, let’s get on up here.

[Justin Bieber and Gisele Bundchen walk to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Justin Bieber: [to Gisele Bundchen] Hey girl. Um, how you doing? Hmm? [trying to do a cool pose]

Steve Harvey: Justin, I got some bad news for you, player. that don’t work on women that’s grown. Alright, top six answers are on the board. The Super Bowl is Sunday. Name one thing that you take to a party. [buzzer] Gisele.

Gisele Bundchen: Cachaca and caipariniahs.

Steve Harvey: Now what you say about Sasha and Malia?

Gisele Bundchen: No. No, I said cachaca and capriniah. They’re drinks. Two of them?

Steve Harvey: You know, I don’t know what you’re saying but you look good saying it. Show me, goulashes and capers!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh, I’m sorry, they’re not up here. Um, Justin, what you bring to a party?

Justin Bieber: Um, Steve, I don’t party as much because I’m a man now. I got like five little moustache hairs and I’m bringing them all for you, girl. But when I do party, I’ma bring my signature cocktail.

Steve Harvey: Oh, I know exactly what you’re talking about. Show me juice box!

[There is ‘beverages’ in answer board]

Ay! Number six answer. Okay, alright, the Falcon fans have the board. [Steve Harvey walks to team Falcon] Alright, Samuel L. Jackson, something that you bring to a party.

Samuel L. Jackson: Why do I got to bring something? You invited me. That’s a stupid ass question and I hope you burn in hell!

Steve Harvey: Um, look here. I don’t know who brought you up in here. But I”m watching you. Yeah, okay, Paula Deen, give me something that you bring to a party.

Paula Deen: Well, yeah, a party’s gotta have food so I’ma bring my famous seven-layer cheese dip. It’s cheese, then beans, then cheese, then farts, then beans and cheese.

Steve Harvey: Man, you like if Michelle Obama had an opposite person. Show me, bring some extra febreze!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Sorry, two strikes. On to Roger Goodell, something that you bring to a party.

Roger Goodell: Oh, I love to party. Just you and a dozen lawyers in a luxury box just getting turnt. Turnt up.

Steve Harvey: Yeah, that’s a great answer. ON behalf of all the players in the NFL, this is dedicated to you. [wrong answer buzzer]

Yeah, alright, Patriots fans got a chance to steal. [Steve Harvey walks to team Patriots] Something that you take to a party, give me some answers.

Lady Gaga: Dwarves.

Bill Belichick: Hoodies, maybe?

Steve Harvey: Great answers there but Gisele, it is up to you. What do you take to a party?

Gisele Bundchen: Steve, a party is being together. I’ll say the beautiful spirit of togetherness that makes us all part of the tapestry of humanity.

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me some nonesense!

[right answer bell. The answer board has “The beautiful spirit of togetherness that makes us all part of the tapestry of humanity” as number one answer.]

Ay! Man! That was the number one answer! My lord. How did that happen?

[Cut to Bill Belichick smiling and using a computer.]Wait! Bill Belichick, did you hack the board?

[Bill Belichick laughing weirdly]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you sneaky old fool. Let’s go to commercial. When we come back, I’ll tell you the name of the tiny little elf that hides in my moustache. We’ll see you later.