Aidy Bryant
Fred Armisen
Kenan Thompson
Vanessa Bayer
David Larry
Kyle Mooney
Taran Killam
Kate McKinnon
Beck Bennett
[Starts with students introducing their showcase]Aidy: Welcome everyone to Woodbridge High School Student Theatre showcase.
Fred: Written and directed by us, the students.
[the audience are clapping]Aidy: Now, before we begin, a warning. Tonight’s show is rated R, for reality check.
Fred: And now, please enjoy, America the beautiful?
[The lights go dim and music starts playing. All the performers enter the stage. The performers are setting up the stage.] [Lights turn on]Aidy: Ma’am, what’s this?
Kate: That’s the iPhone 6s with 128 gigabytes.
Aidy: Yes. [to next person] Sir, what’s this?
Taran: That’s the new iPad Pro with 12.9 inch display.
Aidy: Yes. [to next person] And sir, what’s this? [showing a flower]
Fred: I don’t know.
Kyle: How about less tech-nology
Beck: And more nature-nology.
[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.] [Cut to David, Vaness and Kenan]David: What? That’s all the show?
Vanessa: No, no, no. The program says it was scene 1 of 85.
David: Oh, yeah. No, I’m not sitting through 85 of these.
[David walks out] [Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]Kate: We all know what regular people buy at regular grocery stores.
Kyle: But what do rich people buy at rich grocery stores?
Kate: Let’s find out now.
Beck: [facing Taran] One Hollywood body please.
[Taran acting like he’s processing the orders]Everybody: Beep-beep.
Fred: [to Taran] One innocent verdict, please.
[Taran acting like he’s processing the orders]Everybody: Beep-beep.
Aidy: One general election please.
[Taran acting like he’s processing the orders]Everybody: Beep-beep. Wow!
[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.] [Cut to Vaness and Kenan]Vanessa: You know what sucks? The cast party is at my house. Last year they stayed up until 6 AM just complimenting each other.
[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]Kyle: I have xeca. Cough, cough.
Kate: I have ebola. [sneeze]
Aidy: I have malaria. Malayr-malayr.
Fred: But in high-school, do you know what spreads faster than all of these?
[They start whispering on each other’s ears] [Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]Kenan: It’s gonna be gossip.
[Cut to the stage]Taran: It’s gossip.
[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.] [Cut to Vaness and Kenan]Kenan: No, doy!
Vanessa: Look at this. The program says this show is dedicated to Prince.
Kenan: Yeah, but then they have a picture of Michael Jackson on the back.
[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]Beck: Honey, where’s your prom date? I cannot wait to meet him.
Aidy: Actually, it’s not a him. It’s a her.
[Kate jumps in]Kate: We’re lesbians.
Everybody: That’s good.
Kate: Nice to meet you, Emily’s dad.
Beck: Actually, I’m not her dad. I’m her mom. I’m transgender.
Everybody: That’s good.
Aidy: And this whole time, none of us were white. We were Asian.
Everybody: That’s good!
[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.] [Cut to Vaness and Kenan]Vanessa: These kids blow. What do they think this is even gonna lead to?
Kenan: Actually, they all just in in NYU.
Vanessa: Oh! Ew!
[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]Aidy: I have a story. [the other performers start humming] It’s about my little brother. His name is Jackery, but I don’t call him that. I call him hero. Because he has special needs. Doctor said we would need to help him but the funny thing is, he is the one who helped us. And that’s why now, I spell hero with a capital Jackery.
[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.] [Cut to Vaness and Kenan]Vanessa: What? She is my only child. Also, she calls me the R word like everyday.
[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]Fred: For this scene we need a volunteer. How about you in the front row, [Cut to Kenan] pretending to read a tiny book.
Kenan: Who, me?
[Cut to the stage]Fred: Yes, you. Get up here. Now, we all love to watch violence on TV.
Kate: Band!
Taran: Punch!
Beck: Hit!
Fred: But what happens when we’re confronted by something as simple as the human body?
[Kenan walks to the stage and sits]Kenan: Oh, no.
[The performers walk to Kenan one by one]Aidy: My vagina.
Kate: My nipples.
Taran: My scrotum.
Beck: My penis and my brenium.
Aidy: My libia majora.
Kyle: My anus.
Fred: Tell us, sir. Did that make you uncomfortable?
Kenan: Uh, yeah! Coz you’re all kids.
Everybody: Wow!
[The lights go dim and music starts playing.] [The lights turn on]Fred: Thank you all for coming to our show.
Aidy: Please stay seated for two hour Q&A amongst ourselves.
[Fred raises his hand]Aidy: Yes you.
[The End]