Bernie Sanders… Larry David
Jane Sanders… Vanessa Bayer
Jeff… Bobby Moynihan
Suzan… Cecily[Starts with public crows at Bernie Sander’s rally. Benie Sanders and Jane Sanders and walking together.]
Jane Sanders: Sweetie, I can’t believe how many people are here.
Benie Sanders: It’s revolution, Jane. Millions of people. If we have a good turn out, we can win Iowa.
Leslie: Oh my god! Mr. Bernie Sanders. I’m your biggest fan. [coughs on her right palm] And I’m telling you, I’m feeling your Bern! [gives her right hand to shake] [Benie Sanders doesn’t shake his hand]
Benie Sanders: Ah! That’s okay.
Leslie: Well, what do you mean? Shake my hand.
Benie Sanders: You coughed into your hand, then shake it after a cough.
Leslie: No I didn’t. Just shake my hand.
Benie Sanders: No, no. You specifically coughed in your hand. I saw it.
Leslie: No I didn’t.
Kenan: Come on, Mr. Sanders. Don’t be rude. Shake my wife’s hand.
Benie Sanders: Sir, I am not being rude. She’s the one who is being rude by offering a germ infested hand at me.
Leslie: A germ infested hand? Is that right? I am a voter. That’s that I am. Germ infested person?
Benie Sanders: I am running for president. I do not shake disgusting hands.
Leslie: Oh, I’m disgusting now? Really? Don’t walk away from me, Bernie Sanders![Cut to Bernie Sanders in his office]
Kyle: Mr. Sanders, can I get you a coffee?
Benie Sanders: A coffee. Yeah, you know what? I’ll have a coffee with whole milk.
Kyle: Sorry, I think we only have 2%.
Benie Sanders: 2%? No, no. If I’m gonna have milk, I’ll have milk. Thank you very much.
Jeff: Bernie! What’s this I hear about you not shaking your constituent’s hands. You can’t do that.
Benie Sanders: No, you don’t understand Jeff. She gave me a cough and shake.
Jeff: Sure it wasn’t a cough and a wipe and a shake?
Benie Sanders: No, no. There was no wipe. Definitely no wipe. She didn’t have the decency to give me a wife.
Suzan: You are such an asshole Bernie. You know what? This is why nobody likes you, because you’re an asshole.
Benie Sanders: Oh, I’m an asshole?
Suzan: Yeah! You are. You are.
Benie Sanders: People love me, okay? I have more individual donations than any candidate in history and I don’t take from millionaires and billionaires. The average is just–
Suzan: $27, yeah, we know. Coz you say it every time you’re on TV.
Benie Sanders: Okay, we’ll keep it low, low.
Suzan: Everybody knows!
Benie Sanders: Oh, shut up, Suzan. Okay?[Jay walks in]
Jay: Bernie F-ing Sanders! Ha-ha-ha. Listen man. I’ll tell you something. I heard you didn’t want to shake a black woman’s hand.
Benie Sanders: What? Don’t! Don’t say ‘black woman’, okay? There’s nothing to do with black. She gave me a cough and shake.
Jay: Listen, you need the black vote, Bernie. You need to shake as many black women’s hands as you can. I don’t care if the hand’s got dookie on it. You shake that hand. You might get a dookie in your hand, but you know what else you get? A damn vote.
Benie Sanders: Okay, that was fascinating. I’m gonna go get some coffee.
Suzan: You can’t go out there.
Benie Sanders: Why? I’m a person like everybody else. I’m a normal human being.
Suzan: You’re not normal.
Benie Sanders: Normal human being. Oh, shut up Suzie! How about that?
Suzan: You shut up.[Cut to Benie Sanders walking at the snowy street.] [As Benie Sanders is walking to get a coffee, there’s a car hitting sound.] [Cut to Aidy in the broken car.]
Aidy: Help. Somebody, please!
Benie Sanders: My god! What happened?
Aidy: I- I don’t know. Are you Bernie Sanders? I was just on my way to vote for you.
Benie Sanders: Oh, how– what can I do? How can I help?
Aidy: Well, I think I dislocated my shoulder. So can you just pop it back in?
Benie Sanders: Pop it back in? Are you nuts?
Aidy: No. It’s easy. Just pop it back in.
Benie Sanders: Oh, I cannot. Go to a hospital. I don’t pop– I’m not a popper.
Aidy: Well, come on! The poll’s closing in an hour. If you want my vote just pop it back in.
Benie Sanders: I don’t want it that bad. I never popped in my life. I’m from Brooklyn. We don’t pop in Brooklyn. I’m sorry.
Aidy: Come on!
Benie Sanders: I have no popping experience. I’m sorry.
Benie Sanders: I’m sorry.[Benie Sanders walks away]
Aidy: F-you! Bernie![Cut to Bernie walking back into his office. Everyone is looking at the poll.]
Benie Sanders: Excuse me. Excuse me. How are we doing?
Jeff: I’m so glad you could make it, Bernie. The polls are closed.
Jane Sanders: Where is your coffee?
Benie Sanders: I had an incident–
Suzan: The hell you talking about incident. Just drink the coffee here.
Benie Sanders: I don’t want to drink the coffee. 2%. What’s 2%? I’m not drinking–
Suzan: What are you? Some weirdo psychopath? What’s wrong with 2%?
Taran: Alright, start the presses. Headlines in. They feel the Bern. Huge voter turnout. Huge, massive!
Benie Sanders: Turnout? This is wonderful. Did you hear? Huge! Huge turnout. You know what that means? That means we win.
Suzan: Hey you [bleep] four eyes. Look at the TV dumb [bleep]. You didn’t win. You lost.
Jeff: You lost by like, .2%. Come on!
Benie Sanders: .2%? What? How many people is that?
Taran: It’s like, five people.
Jane Sanders: How could we lose by five people?
Suzan: What did you do? You did something.[Benie Sanders looks at the TV. He sees Aidy, Leslie and Kenan waving at the TV wearing Hillary shirt.]
Kyle: Sir, are you sure I can’t bring you that coffee? We still only have 2%.
Benie Sanders: I’ll take the 2%.[The End]