Weekend Update- Chris Christie’s Niece Attacks Latino Family, France Gives Out Free Condoms

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Chris Christie at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Chris Christie’s niece was arrested on a Spirit Airlines flight to Newark after she accused the Latino family of smuggling cocaine, then injured multiple officers by biting them and kicking them in the groin. She has been sentenced to life in the New Jersey Hall of Fame.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of R Kelly at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new album from R Kelly was removed from streaming sites several hours after being uploaded, “And it was not easy to remove his streams,” said the maid who cleaned his couch.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a gorilla at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: On Christmas. The Los Angeles Zoo announced that Evelyn, a 46 year old grill of famous for her red hair has been euthanized. Not because she was sick, but because it’s LA and she was in her 40s. Okay.

[Picture changes to an article that says “Woman leaves 3 buckets of feces for police’]

This’ll get you back. A woman in Texas allegedly dumped three buckets of human waste in front of a police department and drove away. It’s a rare case of erratic behavior from a lady who poops in a bucket. Also, I want to point out that as disturbing as the story is, it’s not as disturbing as imagining the woman’s drive to the police station with full buckets of feces. Because one speed bump turns her car into a Starbucks bathroom.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of condom at right top corner.]

Michael Che: France announced that it will start providing free condoms for people between the ages of 18 and 25. Cool, now do deodorant.

Weekend Update Field Correspondent Sarah Sherman Gives an SNL Studio Tour

Colin Jost

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well guys, we are nearing the end of the season and here to tell us what she learned and give us a tour backstage is Weekend Update field correspondent, Sarah Sherman.

[Cut to Sarah Sherman walking within the audience]

Sarah Sherman: Hi, Colin. I’m gonna kick off the tour in our studio audience. It’s been a great show tonight with lots of great Weekend Update jokes from Michael Che specifically.

Colin Jost: Alright. Didn’t love the “specifically” there, Sarah, but Sure. Go ahead and take us backstage.

Sarah Sherman: God, so many legends have passed through these hallowed halls. Will Ferrell, Kristen Wiig, a bunch of crew guys you think I’m an ugly little boy? And oh my god. How cool? Here we have my clothing rack. This is where they keep my size zero pants.

Colin Jost: Yeah, those actually look like children’s pants?

Sarah Sherman: Children’s pants, sort of your area of expertise.

Colin Jost: Please, let’s not do this, okay Sarah?

Sarah Sherman: Oh, I’m actually just getting word right now that you should be quiet.

Colin Jost: All right. Okay. All right. Well, let’s just— Can we please just keep going with your backstage tour, okay?

Sarah Sherman: And what do we have here? Ladies and gentlemen, it’s Colin Jost dressing room. Or as our female interns like to call it “the Chamber of Secrets”.

[Sarah Sherman walks inside Colin’s dressing room]

Colin Jost: Okay, no. Nobody calls it that. Sarah please do not go in there.

Sarah Sherman: Too late. Folks, the scene in here is abysmal. On this mirror, Colin has put up all of his humiliating daily affirmations. “You are funny.” “You are handsome.” “You are the real king of Staten Island.” And this one just says “Reminder: Dinner tonight with Giuliani.”

Colin Jost: Sara I did not write those.

Sarah Sherman: Oh my God, Colin, what are you obsessed with me? [showing a full wall of pictures of her behind her]

Colin Jost: Those are are not mine. Those are not mine either. You clearly put those in there.

Sarah Sherman: Oh, really? What’s all this then? [she tries to show something, but it falls down accidentally. She’s looking down for it, but she can’t find it.] Aww, the thing that I threw?

[Colin Jost laughing out loud]

Colin Jost: Yeah, that was the news you were going to show, but you don’t have it.

Sarah Sherman: Oh my god, and what do we have here folks? It’s Colin’s famous intern kid. [Sarah Sherman pulls out a cover and inside, there’s an intern inside a pet cage.] Hello. Looks like somebody messed up a Starbucks order. Hey buddy, for next time Colin, likes his coffee with no milk, no sugar, no coffee and just vodka.

Colin Jost: Sarah, I told you. You have to stop putting interns in cages in my dressing room.

Sarah Sherman: Oh my god, Colin, are you collecting my underwear? Wow, I cannot believe you’re the guy I’ve been selling these to.

Colin Jost: Alright, someone please just cut her feed off.

Sarah Sherman: Oh, I’m actually just getting word right now that we have breaking news from the Update desk from my correspondent and best friend, Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a poster of Colin Jost hushing Sarah at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Thanks, Sarah. This just in. Local panties sniffer Colin Jost wants to silence Sarah Sherman in his ongoing quest to tear down Jewish women? Back to you Colin.

Colin Jost: All right. Field correspondent, Sarah Sherman, everyone.

Sarah Sherman: Love you, Colin.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Sarah Sherman: And I’m Sarah.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- President Trump Gives Coronavirus Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with split screen with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their homes]

Colin Jost: A lot of Americans have been watching president Trump’s daily press conferences. Calling into our show right now which is very exciting for an official update on the pandemic is president Donald Trump. [Donald Trump joins on the phone] Thank you so much for joining us Mr. President. So, what’s the latest with the virus?

Donald Trump: Well, I’m happy to report Colin that America is now number one in the world for coronavirus. Number one while I was president, #AmericaNumberOne #NotImportantWhy.

Colin Jost: You seem almost excited about it.

Donald Trump: Well, my approval rating is up. My TV rating is through the roof. Every night at seven PM, all of the New York claps and cheers for the great job I’m doing.

Michael Che: Yeah. I don’t know if that’s for you, man.

Donald Trump: You’re wrong, LeBron. You’re wrong. I’ll be honest. This virus, this COFIFA-nineteen is really a tough one.

Michael Che: What exactly is your advice? Because it seems to change every Michael Che4 hours.

Donald Trump: That’s a nasty question. You’re very nasty. All along, I’ve always said it was a giant hoax that we should take very seriously. Even though it was embedded by the democrats impeachment part two to everyone needs to wash their hands or not.

Colin Jost: I was just wondering. Where are you getting most of your advice for this?

Donald Trump: We have to listen to the experts on this one. Me, Hannity, Jared Kushner and Michael Lindell from My Pillow. All the experts agree we need to wear masks.

Colin Jost: Right. Right. So, are you wearing a mask?

Donald Trump: That’s a nasty question, okay? No, I’m not. Last time I wore a mask, I hot boxed myself and passed out. And I can’t wear mask in my tanning bed or when I take it off I’ll be dark up top with the white circle around my mouth like a reverse Homer Simpson.

Colin Jost: I did notice that you stopped referring to it as Chinese virus.

Donald Trump: That’s right, Colin. I had to tone down the ethnic slurs after I discovered everything we need to survive the virus is made in Gina (China), okay? Here are some of the other names we workshopped.

Michael Che: Oh, I would love to, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Okay. We had ‘Chinese flu.’ Then of course, ‘Hong Kong fluey.’ Then ‘Crouching tiger hidden symptons.’ Or, ‘Wang Chung Lung.’ And there’s ‘General Tso’s revenge.’ Okay? Stephen Miller came up with ‘The Yellow Fever,’ but that’s already a thing. It’s when a white dude is horny for an Asian chick.

Colin Jost: It was probably better, sir, the back off. Some people are saying that now you seem more presidential than you ever have.

Donald Trump: Colin, in times like this, we need to come together as one nation because no matter our differences, all Americans can agree on one thing, Carole Baskin definitely fed her husband to those tigers. I’m proud to announce Trump Exotic twentytwenty. I’m sorry you had to find out this way. They have a feeling Pence is gonna be pretty into Joe Exotic.

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. President Trump, everyone.

Donald Trump: All the absentee ballots are covered in coronavirus. Happy Easter, everybody.