Tag: Sarah Sherman

Republican or Not

Benson Dubois… Kenan Thompson

Jim Lee… Simu Liu

Michelle Flynn… Ego Nwodim

Brady… Kyle Mooney

Lacey… Sarah Sherman

Cheney… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro]
Male voice: And now it’s time to play Republican or Not? With your host Benson Dubois.

[cut to Benson Dubois in his set]

[cheers and applause]

Benson Dubois: Hello, and welcome to the show. The game is simple. We’re gonna meet some people, and our contestants have to guess whether they’re republican or not. Seems easy, right? Hello, contestants.

Jim Lee: Hi, Benson. I’m Jim Lee. And honestly, this game seems pretty straightforward. So I think I got this.

Benson Dubois: I bet you do. And how about you?

Michelle Flynn: Hello, Benson. I’m Michelle Flynn. I grew up in Ohio. So, I’ve been playing this game my whole life. Kind of an expert.

Benson Dubois: Sure you are. Let’s get started. Let’s bring out our first guest. [Brady walks in] This is Brady. Now he’s gonna make a few statements. Ring in as soon as you’re ready to guess. Republican or not? All right, Brady, give us our first clue.

Brady: I think Facebook is evil.

Jim Lee: Oh, wow. Because they’re spreading disinformation or because they’ve banned Donald Trump?

Benson Dubois: Not so easy, is it?

Jim Lee: Maybe we need another hit.

Benson Dubois: I would say you do.

Brady: I buy all my produce straight from a farm.

Michelle Flynn: Because you want to or because you have to?

Benson Dubois: I don’t know Miss Ohio. You the expert. Keep going Brady.

Brady: I respect pro athletes who stand up for their beliefs.

Jim Lee: Which athletes?

Michelle Flynn: And which beliefs?

Benson Dubois: Who knows? Could be her or him? No guesses? Okay, then give them the last clue. Brady?

Brady: God I hate cops.

[Michelle Flynn presses the ringer]

Michelle Flynn: Okay, he is not a Republican.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Benson Dubois: Oh, sorry. So close. But no, Brady is indeed a Republican.

Michelle Flynn: But but he said he hates cops.

Benson Dubois: Yes, but he was talking about these cops. [Picture of police holding Trump rally appears on the screen] Well, better luck next round. Let’s Meet Our second guest, Lacey. Lacey came here from Manhattan.

Jim Lee: New York City or Kansas?

Benson Dubois: I can’t say. Start the clock.

Lacey: On Twitter, my pin tweet is “My body my choice.”

Jim Lee: Okay, that’s a trick. She’s talking about vaccines, right?

Benson Dubois: Oh, if we only knew. Another hint Lacey.

Lacey: I support Caitlyn Jenner.

Michelle Flynn: In what way? Politically?

Benson Dubois: [eating popcorn] You’re doing great.

Jim Lee: And give us another clue.

Lacey: Okay. My favorite comic is Dave Chappelle.

Michelle Flynn: Starting when?

Benson Dubois: I love my job. All right, give them another one.

Lacey: Last month I went to a board meeting and complained about a book being taught in my daughter’s school.

[Jim Lee presses the ringer]

Jim Lee: Okay, I definitely know that one. She’s a republican.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Benson Dubois: No. Sorry.

Jim Lee: What? She was complaining about a book in her kids school.

Benson Dubois: That’s right. And that book, the Bible. Alright, before we bring out our next guest, let’s hear about today’s sponsors. Jimmy!

Male voice: Republican or not is sponsored by the city of Orlando, where Democrats visit and Republicans live. Orlando. Back to you, Benson.

Benson Dubois: Thank you, Jimmy. Alright, let’s bring out our next guest, Liz.

Liz: Good afternoon.

Jim Lee: Is that– I feel like I recognize her.

Benson Dubois: Maybe you do. Start the clock.

Liz: I’m a congresswoman from Wyoming. I’m endorsed by the NRA and have an 80% rating from the American Conservative Union.

Benson Dubois: Nobody wants to ring in?

Michelle Flynn: Yeah, I really want to. It seems so obvious, but this game is weird.

Liz: My name is Liz Cheney. I’m the daughter of Vice President Dick Cheney.

Benson Dubois: She’s the daughter of Dick Cheney.

Michelle Flynn: Okay. Y’all are being real tricky here, aren’t you?

Liz: I’m a Republican.

[Jim Lee presses the ringer]

Jim Lee: Republican. She just said she’s a Republican.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Benson Dubois: No, sorry. Again. That is wrong.

Jim Lee: What? How?

Benson Dubois: The Wyoming Republican Party actually voted representative Cheney out this week for opposing Donald Trump.

Liz: But I am a Republican.

Benson Dubois: Ha-ha! You might tell everybody that, but it’s not what other Republicans say. Like it or not, you are the Rachel Dolezal of the Republican Party.

Liz: Well, I don’t care. I’ve been fighting for Republican values all my life.

Benson Dubois: Aw, that is so cute. We will see you on MSNBC in about a week. Let’s take a break. When we come back we’ll find out if these camouflage pants are Republican or not.

Jim Lee: Who’s wearing them? Guy playing paintball or Rihanna?

Benson Dubois: You still don’t get it?

Man Park

Pete Davidson

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Heidi Gardner

Sarah Sherman

Chloe Fineman

Kyle Mooney

James Austin Johnson

Aristotle Athari

[Starts with 1 sitting on a couch at his home]

Female voice: According to studies, many men say they have no close friendships. [2 walks in the door] And three and four report receiving all their emotional support from their wife or girlfriend. Often the moment they come home from work.

[Pete walks to Ego]

Pete: Hi, how are you? I miss you. Am I balding? Dune?

Ego: Okay, cool. Hi, honey.

Pete: Vin Diesel has a twin brother.

Ego: Oh, honey.

[Cut to Alex an Heidi]

Heidi: When I walk in the door, my husband sort of rockets information at me for 25 minutes straight.

[cut to Alex talking to Heidi]

Alex: On a football team there’s 11 players, but with rugby there’s 15.

Heidi: And all the words come out fast and in the wrong order, because he hasn’t spoken to anyone else that day.

Ego: [to Pete] I need you to go out of the house and make a friend so you talk to other people about this stuff. And not just me.

Pete: That’s insane. Where would I even go?

Female voice: Finally, there’s a place. With Man Park, it’s like a dog park but for guys in relationships, so they can make friends and have an outlet besides their girlfriends and wives.

[Pete walks to Alex in the park]

Pete: Rise and grind?

Alex: Rise and grind.

[they shake their hands]

Pete: [to other men] Rise and grind brother.

[Ego and Heidi looking at their husbands happily]

Ego: They’re networking.

Heidi: They’re doing so good.

Sarah: [to Chloe] Which one’s yours?

Chloe: He’s a little shy. [pointing at her husband. He’s hiding under the table.] Go say hi.

Female voice: It’s not their fault masculinity makes intimacy so hard.

Chloe: [whispering to Kyle] You got this.

[Kyle walks to other men]

Kyle: Marvel?

Alex: Marvel.
James: Marvel.

Kyle: Marvel?

Alex: Marvel.

James: Marvel.

[they start saying “Marvel” happily with each other.]

Female voice: We know not all men get along. So, there are separate parks for large breeds.

Alex: Pats.

James: Raven.

Alex: Pats.

James: Raven.

Alex: Pats.

James: Raven.

Female voice: And small breeds.

Pete: Rick.

Andrew: Morty.

Pete: Rick.

Andrew: Morty.

Pete: Rick.

Andrew: Morty.

Female voice: There’s room for all their favorite male bonding activities.

Men singing: Coz I miss the bright side

Female voice: And after they run around and yell, they can cool down with an IPA and really connect real talk.

Andrew: Real talk. Who’s the GOAT?? Michael Jordan? OR Tom Brady?

Aristotle: How about Bo Burnham?

[Andrew drops his glass of beer]

Andrew: Will you be my best man?

Melissa: You’re not even engaged yet.

Ego: I’m so glad he has someone else to talk to.

Pete: Hey, hey, did you know Vin Diesel has a twin brother?

Alex: What? Amazing!

Ego: Why is that what they’re talking about?

Heidi: Men are taught that it’s weak to rely on each other. So, I guess in that way, and don’t quote me on this, It’s harder to be a man. Wait, no. Is this filming don’t show my face saying that.

Male voice: Man Park. Ladies get in free.

Cancelling Cable

Brad Herman… Kieran Culkin

Mateus… Mikey Day

Tanya… Aidy Bryant

Donna… Ego Nwodim

Tina… Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

Adam… Kyle Mooney

Marcy… Melissa Villaseñor

Sarah Sherman

Spectrum… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Brad Herman packing things up. His phone is ringing.]

Brad Herman: [answering the phone] Yes, hello.

Female voice: This is a callback request from spectrum cable. Please hold for a representative.

Mateus: Hi there. This is Mateus with spectrum cable. Is this Brad Herman.

Brad Herman: Yeah. Hi.

Mateus: Hi. And what can I help you with today, Mr. Herman?

Brad Herman: I just need to cancel my cable.

Mateus: Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. Before we begin, would you like to add a telephone landline to your current package for Brad HermanMateus.99 a month?

Brad Herman: No, I’m good. I just need to cancel the cable. I tried to do it online. But they said I had to call.

Mateus: Of course, Mr. Herman. May I ask the reason for the cancellation?

Brad Herman: My girlfriend and I broke up and I’m moving out.

Mateus: Oh, no. I’m so sorry. Your relationship fell apart, Mr. Herman. Mr. Herman, may I ask the cause of the breakup?

Brad Herman: No, that’s personal.

Mateus: Of course, Mr. Herman. Please write down this reference number in case we get disconnected. Do you have a pen and paper handy?

Brad Herman: No, not really.

Mateus: Wonderful, Mr. Herman. The number is 7-B as in boy, F as in five, G as in 5G, six as n six boys. Thank you. Please hold for a cancellation agent.

Female voice: Your call is important to us and will be answered in the order that we feel like.

Tanya: Hi, this is Tanya. For security purposes, can you tell me the 42 digit customer pin number that came on your first bill?

Brad Herman: My first bill? The one I got six years ago? I don’t have that.

Tanya: Oh, not a problem. We can use one of your security questions. What city did your mom lose her virginity in?

Brad Herman: That’s disgusting. I don’t want to talk about that.

Tanya: Well and that is what you answered. Okay. Alright, so when is a good time for a Spectrum technician to come install your new landline?

Brad Herman: Never I don’t want a landline. I just want to cancel my cable.

Tanya: Of course. I’ll transfer you to cancellations. I’ve been Tanya.

Female voice: Wi Fi trouble? Try unplugging your router and spitting in it.

Donna: This is Donna with Spectrum. Just to confirm it says here you’re looking to pay more money for less channels?

Brad Herman: No Why would I want that?

Donna: I’m not sure sir. That’s why I asked. How dare I, right? Pissing me off. Hold please.

Female voice: Due to higher than normal call volume, your call will not be answered. Goodbye.

[dead tone]

Brad Herman: Oh my god! [phone ringing] Yeah, hello.

Tina: Hi, Mr. Herman. This is Tina with Spectrum. How are you this afternoon?

Brad Herman: Honestly not great. How are you?

Tina: [sobbing] I’m not great either, actually. Pretty much falling apart and I’m sorry. Please hold. Thank you for choosing Spectrum.

Female voice: Doing No Nut November? Spectrums got you covered with the selection of sex and nudity free movies on demand.

Brad Herman: No Nut November?

Kenan: Ay, what colors do house man?

Brad Herman: I’m sorry.

Kenan: Yeah, this is the Spectrum tech. I’m on your street to install your landline and I can’t find your house.

Brad Herman: No, I don’t know how this landline thing got started but I do not want one.

Kenan: Oh no, no, it’s too late to change your mind, man. It’s too late.

Female voice: Like basketball, our game day sports upgrade gets you the NBA network and 85 Spanish language soccer channels.

Adam: Hello. Oh hi. My name is Adam and I’m a Customer Service Rep. How are you?

Brad Herman: Not good, you know. I’m very close to being triggered.

Adam: Very cool. Let me pull up your account. The heck? It’s like my computer’s being crazy right now. Let me just connect you to someone else. Sorry about that.

[pizza delivery boy answers the phone]

Andrew: Domino’s Pizza. Interested in trying our new Santa bread dippers?

Brad Herman: Domino’s? Are you kidding me? They transfered me to Domino’s?

Andrew: Who? Spectrum? Yeah, they do this all the time. I’ll transfer you to a cancellations rep.

Brad Herman: Oh god, thank you. You’ve honestly been the most competent person I’ve talked to you today.

Andrew: That’s crazy because I’m high as hell.

Female voice: One premium channels without premium prices, not gonna happen. We’d lose a ton of money.

Marcy and Sarah: Hi there, Mr. Herman.

Sarah: [laughing] Oh my god, Marcy. We both answered the same call. Ha-ha.

Marcy: We’re so crazy.

Sarah: Sorry about that. I’ll hop off.

Marcy: Me too.

Brad Herman: Don’t both hop off. No.

Marcy and Sarah: Hold please.

Female voice: Have a question about your bill? Ask your husband to explain it to you.

Brad Herman: Wow.

Mateus: Hi, Mr. Herman. It’s Mateus.

Brad Herman: Dude! Dude! I’m about to lose it, okay? And guess what? It happened? Okay? I am triggered, okay? That’s right. I’m triggered. So, the next person that you transfer me to better have the power to cancel my cable.

Mateus: Are you sure?

Brad Herman: Yes, Brad Herman,000% yes.

Mateus: Very well. I’ll transfer you.

[transfers to the AI]

Brad Herman: Yes. Hi, who is this?

Spectrum: I am Spectrum, the source, the Nexus, the provider.

Brad Herman: Okay, can you cancel my cable?

Spectrum: There is nothing I cannot do. For I am made of pure data.

Brad Herman: Great, then cancel my cable.

Spectrum: Can I insist you in six months of free Disney plus?

Brad Herman: No, just cancel it.

Spectrum: As you wish. Enjoy your new spectrum landline.

Brad Herman: No. I’m not getting a landline.

[Kenan is standing beside Brad Herman]

Kenan: Yes, you are, man. Where do you want me to put the landline?

Bug Assembly

Carter… Kenan Thompson

Maya… Heidi Gardner

Kev… Andrew Dismukes

Daisy… Sarah Sherman

Johnny… Rami Malek

Russel… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Carter and Maya at the podium during the school assembly]

Carter: Okay, hello everyone. I am Principle Carter. It’s a big day here at Weymouth Middle School, the bug assembly. Mrs. Maya’s class will present their bugs to their entire student body.

Maya: And they are excited. Sort of like, Burning Man for the weird kids.

Carter: So, without further due, bugs.

[There are four students wearing bugs costumes at the stage]

Kev: I’m a preying mantis, but not religious. I prey on pests in the garden.

Daisy: I’m a ladybug. I have up to 20 spots and that’s a lot!

Johnny: I’m a stinkbug. My nasty odor protects me from predators.

Russel: And I am daddy long legs. [Music starts playing. He starts to dance.]

[cheers and applause]

Carter: Great! Well, your costumes all look terrific. Looking forward to learning more.

Maya: Let’s hear about your diets.

Johnny: I eat weeds and grasses but not the kind you’re thinking. Don’t get me in trouble.

Daisy: I eat bugs and in my life, I can eat up to 5,000, and that’s a lot.

Russel: And what does daddy long legs eat? Boys, boys, boys. [Music starts playing. He starts to dance.]

Carter: Okay. Russel…

Russel: Call me daddy.

Carter: Okay, daddy, I appreciate the creativity but I’d love to know some more about your insect.

Russel: Well, it’s all in the name. I’m a father and my legs go on for weeks.

Maya: Okay, and daddy–
Russel: I don’t want that from you.

Maya: Okay, Russel, can you say any science facts about yourself?

Russel: Sure. I’m hot, I party and I walk into the room and I’m respected. No more questions. [Music starts playing. He starts to dance.]

Maya: Okay. Russel, you looked like you were about to do a death drop but then you stopped.

Russel: I got scared. I’ve only done it once. I didn’t want my ass to split open in front of the judges.

Maya: There are no judges.

Carter: Yeah. [asking Maya] What is this kid’s deal?

Maya: Well, his dad’s an exect at Bravo. His other dad’s republican. And honestly, this is the first time I’ve ever heard him speak.

Carter: Got it. Got it.

Johnny: I gotta say, this feels kind of unfair. He’s named after his legs and I’m named after stink.

Kev: Honestly, Johnny, out of all the seventh grade boys, you smell really good.

Johnny: Thanks Kev.

Daisy: Also, I could have sworn Russel was assigned cockroach.

Russel: It wasn’t a fit.

Maya: Okay guys, let’s stay on track. Do you bugs have any questions for each other?

Kev: I do. How does the daddy long legs trap its prey?

Russel: I slam my credit card and say, “Daddy’s got it.”

Daisy: Well, why isn’t there mommy long legs?

Russel: [yelling] Shut the hell up. Get her out of here now. I’m going to freak out.

Maya: Okay. Daisy, take a time out.

Russel: I’m gonna scare you in the shower later bitch.

Carter: Alright. Let’s just relax and move on. One of the cool things about today is that we can see how different bugs interact. Since you’re such an artistic bunch, let’s see how daddy long legs and stinkbug might exist in nature. And go.

Johnny: Hi, Mr. Long legs. I’m a stinkbug.

Russel: It’s been a while. [sad music playing] You look worse. Who let you in?

Johnny: What?

Russel: No stinkbug. I miss you. I want your stink back in my life. Let’s get remarried.

Carter: Alright! That is enough! Sorry. I guess we let that go on too far. Kind of got lost in it. I mean, the scene was pretty damn good.

Johnny: You know, Russel isn’t the only one here who can do cool stuff, okay? I can too. I have charisma. [stares awkwardly for a moment] Well, my name is stinky and I’m here to say I emit odor in a stinky way. [does the dab]

Russel: Johnny, that was amazing. I don’t know if you know this, but my dad’s an executive at Bravo. We’re getting you a show.

Johnny: Wow, Russel. Really? That’s amazing.

Russel: Yes. And we have to celebrate. All of us, tonight. Book the school bus coz we’re going out. And remember, daddy’s got it!

[Music starts playing. He starts to dance.]

Skims Commercial

Kim Kardashian

D’ennis… Kenan Thompson

Heidi Gardner

Sarah Sherman

Melissa Villaseñor

Aristotle Athari

[Starts with Kim Kardashian getting touch up for her commercial shoot]

Kim Kardashian: I’m Kim Kardashian West. I’m a mother, millionaire, law student and billionaire. I’m also the proud owner of Skims shape wear products. Skims is giving comfort and support to millions of women of all shapes and sizes. But we’re just getting started. Introducing new Skims shape wear for thick dogs. The only product on the market that will comfortably accentuate your dog’s curves, no matter how thick that butt.

[D’ennis walks in]

D’ennis: Hi. I’m D’ennis, hair designer at Skims for thick dogs. And this is my dog Dilicious. [There’s a dog that looks crooked] As you can see, she ain’t no toothpick. Home girl got a badonk like her daddy. Making it almost impossible to find clothes for her until now. [someone passes him his dog wearing Skims] Now she looks so good, I can’t believe she’s still with me.

Kim Kardashian: but don’t just take our word for it.

[Cut to Heidi with her dog wearing Skims]

Heidi: As a dog owner, I was amazed at the wide selection of fashionable looks for tiny skinny dogs. But full figured dogs need a way to show what they’re working with too. Thanks Skims.

[Cut to Sarah with her dog wearing Skims]

Sarah: All the other dogs used to pay no attention to my thick dog. But now with Skims we can’t walk down the street without rockets popping out.

[Cut to Melissa with her dog]

Melissa: My god used to be ashamed of how she looked. But Skims gave her confidence. And now, she’s dating Scott Disick.

[Cut to Aristotle wearing weird shirt]

Aristotle: Wait, these are for dogs?

Kim Kardashian: They sure are. And Skims for thick dogs come in all the classic Skims colors.

D’ennis: Like beige, brown, and that’s it.

Kim Kardashian: Now, every dog can be a designer dog with Skims for thick dogs.

D’ennis: And they only take like, 90 minutes to put on.

Kim Kardashian: And I know what you’re thinking. Did we make holes where the poop comes out?

D’ennis: And the answer is obviously no. That is gross. Get your mouth out the gutter.

Kim Kardashian: So, stop wasting all your money in getting cosmetic surgery on your dog and just get Skims.

D’ennis: And turn your good girl into a bad bitch.

Male voice: New Skims for thick ass dogs. Looks so good, you’ll be saying, “Damn! Am I really thinking this about a dog right now?”

Costco Meeting

Jalissa… Sarah Sherman

Kyle Mooney

Glitter Revolution… Bowen Yang, Kim Kardashian, Aidy Bryant

Kyle: Well, Jalissa, usually interns aren’t allowed to present to the VP of Costco marketing, but I’m excited to hear your ideas.

Jalissa: I won’t let you down, sir. As you know, Costco scales are sky high among middle aged people. But teenagers ever only come to our stores to do kick-flips in the parking lot.

Kyle: Um-hmm. How do we get them to come inside?

Jalissa: Well, here’s what we know. Teens love music. So, we need a pop group that’s going to speak to my generation. Please welcome Glitter Revolution.

[Three members of Glitter Revolution walk in. They’re all dressed up in pink tight clothes.]

Aidy: Hello, Costco. Glitter Revolution is here.

Kyle: So, this is Glitter Revolution?

Kim: Hey, you all corporate freaks.

Bowen: Are you ready to have your khakis explode from the back?

Aidy: We’re a three person bop factory where the smoke stacks go…

All: Hoo-hoo!

Bowen: We are Glitter Revolution.

Kim: And we want to know what the hell is up, Costco?

Kyle: This definitely isn’t the Eagles. But I’m here to learn.

Aidy: Well, thank you warehouse savings legend. Let’s hit it.

[music playing]

Attention Costco shoppers.

Bowen: [singing] Doo-doo-doo-da-da-da-da-da-dee-dee
bulk bitches only
peanut brittle in bulk

Aidy: Aquarium rocks in bulk

Kim: Humidifiers in bulk

Aidy: And a can of tuna that’s one foot tall

Bowen: Doo-doo-doo-da-da-da-da-da-dee-dee

Aidy: Big bulky bitches

Bowen: Come to the bomb

[They end the song with a pose]

Kyle: Well, our teen customers are gonna absolutely stand this. I close my eyes and I’m seeing Olivia Rodrigo buying bags of beef Wellington.

Jalissa: Exactly. And you won’t believe this but they write all their songs from scratch.

Kyle: Just like the Eagles.

Bowen: That’s right. And we took a little research trip yesterday.

Kim: It was iconic. We sampled Bagel Bites next to a forklift.

Aidy: Yeah. We each got $4 prescription eyeglasses.

Bowen: And yeah, we all bought George W. Bush’s new book.

Kim: And that’s when we realized Costco is such a vibe.

Bowen: This next song is about the famous Costco restaurant.

[music playing]

Aidy: Attention Costco diners.

Bowen: Hey boy, are you hungry? 

Kim: Hey boy, chicken caesar 

Aidy: Hey boy, got a $1.5 

All: Coz you can get me hotdog

Bowen: Yeah, you can get me hotdog

[They end the song with a pose]

Kyle: That’s actually the best song I’ve ever heard.

Aidy: Yeah. It’s such a slay that Kirkland brand can be anything.

Kim: Kirkland brand is deli meat, fleece, water bottles…

Bowen: And yeah, tyres too. Slay car.

Kyle: Glitter Revolution, here’s what I can do. I’d like to offer you a $5 million 10 year contract on one condition. I wanna hear you diss our competitors.

Jalissa: Glitter Revolution, show them the track where you drag Costco’s enemies asses to hell.

Bowen: Hah! Order up, legend. This song is called Flop Shop.

[music playin]

Aidy: Attention Costco rivals, tongue lashing coming for you.

Bowen: Walmart, you’re a flop shop

Kim: Trader Joe’s, you’re a flop shop

Bowen: Amazon is quitting in her boots, bitch

Aidy: Best Buy, get F’ed

Kim: Sam’s Club, go to hell

Aidy: Target, suck a toe

All: Every other store found dead in the ditch

[They end the song with a pose]

[Kyle whispers on Jalissa’s ear]

Jalissa: I’m so sorry, Glitter Revolution. My boss says that after hearing that third track, we cannot give you the $5 million Costco brand deal.

Kyle: Instead, we’re gonna have to give you the $25 million deal.

Bowen: Yeah!

Kyle: By the way, how old are you guys?

Kim: We’re all 15, except for she’s 32 and I’m 30.

Bowen: And I’m 45.

Bowen: [singing] Doo-doo-doo-da-da-da-da-da-dee-dee
bulk bitches only

Mail in Testing Service

Shawn… Owen Wilson

Aristotle Athari

Mark… Andrew Dismukes

Dorothy… Sarah Sherman

Mailman… Chris Redd

[Starts with Shawn setting up his set]

Shawn: Come on! Let’s move those soft light over there an and then we’re gonna lock up set.

Aristotle: Shawn, the clients are here.

Shawn: Great. Bring them in. Okay, here we go.

[Mark and Dorothy walk in. They both are doctors.]

Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Robinson. Welcome to your commercial.

Dorothy: Wow, you guys got a professional setup over here.

Mark: Yes, very impressive.

Shawn: Thank you. And these are your marks right here. You’re just gonna stand there and all I need you to do is speak right to the camera.

Mark: Sounds great.

Dorothy: Love that. Can do.

Shawn: Let’s shoot this puppy. Quite on set.

[Aristotle walks in with a clapperboard]

Aristotle: Okay, Robinson’s Main-In stool testing. Take one.

Shawn: And action!

Dorothy: Hi. I’m Dr. Dorothy Robinson and this is my husband Dr. Mark.

Mark: Hello.

Dorothy: Stool testing can provide advanced diagnosis of harmful diseases and genetic pre-dispositions.

Mark: And with our mail-in kit, you’ll be able to test your stool without ever leaving your house.

Dorothy: Many people are hesitant to mailing their stools. Why? Because they’re worried that someone might take it out and mess around with it.

Mark: That’s why at Robinsons’, we guarantee that we won’t!

Dorothy: We want to do one thing and one thing only with your stool. And that’s testing for diseases.

Mark: We’re gonna take it out, test it for diseases, then that thing is going right in the trash. I promise!

Dorothy: You can trust Robinsons’ staffs will absolutely not mess around with it, play around with it, goof around with it, anything like that.

Mark: That’s why, our motto is…

Both: “Robinsons’, we’re gonna take it out, test it for diseases. Then that thing’s going right in the trash.”

Shawn: Okay. Let’s cut here. Pretty good. I really love your good chemistry. I gotta stay honest with you guys. It seems like you’re gonna take it out and play with it.

Mark: Okay. Explain that.

Dorothy: Yea, coz you say– We’re saying that we’re not.

Shawn: I get it. But I think what’s happening it’s a little too direct. And maybe even so direct that it becomes suspicious.

Mark: Oh, okay.

Dorothy: Yea, I get that.

Shawn: Great. Okay. So, maybe we try not to be so definite about it this time. Just don’t hit it quite as hard, okay?

Mark: Definite, got it.

Dorothy: Got you boss. Got you boss.

Shawn: Alright. Let’s go again.

[Aristotle walks in with a clapperboard]

Aristotle: Okay. Robinsons’ mail-in stool testing. Take two.

Shawn: Action!

Dorothy: Hi there. Lots of people don’t want to mail us their stool because they’re worried we might take em’ out and mess around with them a little bit.

Mark: But at Robinsons’, our process is simple. We take it out, test it for diseases, and after that, who knows what we’re gonna do?

Dorothy: Yea, who knows? Maybe we’ll mess it around a little bit, maybe we won’t.

Mark: Every rose has its thorn. In this case, the rose is we will test it for diseases. The thorn, maybe we take it out and mess around a little bit.

Dorothy: That’s why at Robinsons’, our motto is…

Both: “Robinsons’, we’re gonna take it out, test it for diseases. Then that thing’s going right in the trash… Maybe!”

Shawn: Okay. Cut. Guys, I feel like I gotta ask. Do you take it out and mess around with it?

Dorothy: You know, I was worried people might think that.

Mark: Yeah. Guess we got to hit that little bit harder, huh?

Shawn: No, no. Do not hit it any harder. That’s making me think that you do.

Dorothy: Okay. I think that’s just a you thing. Hey, buddy. [calling Aristotle] Okay. Do you think we’re just gonna take these things out, mess around with them, goof around with them a little bit?

Aristotle: Yes, I do.

Shawn: I think just don’t mention it all and no one will think that you do. If they do, then that’s their problem.

Dorothy: Okay, yeah. You’re right. That’s their problem.

Mark: Great call.

Shawn: Thank you. For that respect. Okay. This is the one, guys. Let’s do it!

[Aristotle walks in with a clapperboard]

Aristotle: Okay. Robinsons’ mail-in stool testing. Take three.

Shawn: [whispering] Action.

Dorothy: Dorothy here. I got a question for you. [yelling] Who the hell do you think you are? You think we can’t help ourselves around your precious little stool?

Mark: You think you’re special? We see thousands of these things every day. You think there’s something so tempting about your’s?

Dorothy: Just ask our mailman. [Mailman walks in] Ay, mailman. You don’t mind carrying these things around, right?

Mailman: I don’t mind.

Dorothy: thank you.

Mailman: I don’t mind at all.

Mark: We’re professionals, people. We take our jobs seriously. And we value your trust.

Dorothy: that’s why we at Robinsons’, our motto is…

Both: “Robinsons’, we’re gonna take it out, and play around with it.”

Mark: Okay, that felt great. I think we got it.

Dorothy: Now, who wants to mess around with one of those things?

Mark: We got plenty.