Dana Banes… Heidi Gardner
Jace L. Rio… Bowen Yang
Male voice: Live from Central Park, it’s the First Warm day Of the Year Arrivals Show.
Dana: Well folks, it’s mid April here in New York City. And the temperature hit 90 degrees this week, a full two months ahead of schedule. And while that may be terrifying on a climate level, the warm weather can only mean one thing. All the freaks, crazies and weirdos are heading to Central Park. And we’re expecting to see some iconic Park People today, aren’t we Jace?
Jace: We sure are, Dana. The mood here is electric. The smell of Halal food and horse manure is in the air. As I see, yes, I think it’s him. An absolute icon of the park, it’s an older man doing an aggressive power walk.
Mikey: Hi there.
Jace: First, dish on this outfit.
Mikey: Certainly. I’m wearing the tightest spandex shirt of all time. Little shorts and a weird Heart Rate Monitor strapped my arm.
Jace: Iconig. Can you give us a little preview of your walk?
Mike: Absolutely. [Mike starts walking around Jace] Behind you. Behind you. Behind you. On your left. Behind you. And there it is.
Jace: Wow. Gorgeous. Dana.
Dana: Well, Jace, I am starstruck right now as I am joined by not one but two perverts who came to the park to pleasure themselves.
Michael: Nice to be out of the subway.
Dana: I bet. Excited for the big day?
James: Oh, yeah, I got my modesty blanket and my binoculars. So I’m good to go.
Dana: Where should the police been looking for you?
Michael: Oh, come on, you know what to find your boys. In the bushes, baby.
Dana: Any new techniques this year?
James: Oh, just one. [He takes his real hand out of the coat. The hand in his pocket is a fake one.]
Dana: Oh my god. Is that a fake arm?
James: Yeah, yeah, it’s a fake arm.
Dana: Wow. Shame on you both. Jace?
Jace: Well, we were hoping she’d make an appearance. It’s a woman learning to rollerblade.
Molly: Yeah, I’ve always wanted to learn and I thought what better place than on a crowded pathway filled with thousands of people?
Jace: Horrible plan. Let’s see what you got.
Molly: Here I go. Oh, my God. [she falls down]
Jace: And she fell right away. Dana?
Dana: Well, look who I found, two have central parks finest, park employees who do not care about their job. How are you guys feeling?
Devon: We are very high right now. Yeah. Thank you for asking.
Dana: Amazing. Any warnings for those who violate park rules?
Punkie: You do you?
Dana: Inspiring words. Jace, I hear you spotted an absolute legend.
Jace: Well, I hope she’ll stop to talk. It’s a lady trying to tell someone where she is.
Ego: [on phone] Well, I don’t see you, bitch. Bitch, I’m right where I said I’d be. By the big tree. The big tree near the bridge. [walks out]
Jace: Oh, just Mr. Dana.
Dana: He is back. It’s a grown man with a drone who’s alone.
Andrew: Hey there.
Dana: And you won’t be filming girls laying out sunbathing, will you?
Andrew: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Nah.
Dana: I don’t believe you. Now, Jace, this guy is bad. But I hear you’re with one of the worst park people of all.
Jace: I sure am. It’s a guy with the clipboard who wants to know if you have a second for a good cause? Now people absolutely hate you. Can you tell us why?
Marcello: Well, I think it’s because I zero in on folks trying to enjoy themselves and pester them for money.
Jace: Absolutely. Can we see that in action?
Marcello: You bet. [Mikey walks in] Hey, cool shirt.
Mikey: No, no, no, no.
Marcello: Hey, come on. If you have a second for a good cause.
Mikey: I already donated.
Marcello: Come on, it’s two seconds.
Mikey: I’ve already done this before.
Jace: What an absolute pain in the ass. Dana.
Dana: It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s crazy man with the microphone.
Kenan: Good to be back for another year.
Dana: And I see you brought a lady friend with you?
Kenan: Yes, I sure did. This woman will be debating the nonsense that I scream as if I’m a rational man whose mind can be changed.
Dana: Can we get a preview?
Kenan: Oh of course.
Sarah: Our pleasure.
Kenan: Big Pharma created the Coronavirus.
Sarah: That is baloney.
Kenan: I got herpes from 5g.
Sarah: It is not even possible.
Kenan: So something like that.
Dana: Wow. I can’t tell who annoys me more. Jace?
Jace: Well, we’ve been waiting for her to arrive. It’s wealthy woman and child. And I got to ask, what’s the plan today?
Chloe: Well I’m taking Riley here to the playground where I’ll snap into an immediate panic if I lose sight of him for even one second. [the boy is missing already] Riley? [yelling] Riley?
Jace: Oh no.[Ego walks in still talking on the phone]
Ego: Well, I still don’t see you. You know what? I’m done looking for your bitch. You come find me. I’ll be on the grass in a red bikini getting my ass some sun.
Jace: Well, we’ve got plenty more park people coming up including a woman with a giant out of control dog and a performance by some a whole playing an acoustic guitar. Keep it here and live-
Ego: I see you right now. Okay girl, I’m coming.
Jace and Dana: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.