Mario Lopez… Marcello Hernandez
Maria Menounos… Heidi Gardner
Mike Tyson… Kenan Thompson
Jamie Lee Curtis… Chloe Fineman
Colin Farrell… Mikey Day
Brandon Gleason… Molly Kearney
George Santos… Bowen Yang
Maria Menounos: Hello and welcome back to the Oscars Red Carpet Pre Show.
Mario Lopez: I’m the man inside your hotel TV who tells you what the movies are, Mario Lopez.
Maria Menounos: And either Maria Menounos or Kit Hoover, they haven’t told me what yet.
Mario Lopez: And you’re about to watch the 95th Annual Academy Awards sponsored by Ozempic.
Maria Menounos: Ozempic, I guess everyone in Hollywood has diabetes.
Mario Lopez: And we are so excited to have been standing outside the Dolby Theatre for almost 153 hours.
Maria Menounos: We have not slept or use the bathroom. Our only food is a handful of sardines that they throw at us like we’re seals at the zoo.
Mario Lopez: But it’s all worth it to ask Angela Bassett if she really did the thing.
Maria Menounos: Oops, we almost forgot every 30 seconds we have to do a few awkward pan downs to women’s feed. Here we go.[cut to videos of women’s lower halves walking in the red carpet]
Mario Lopez: Everyone needed to see that.
Maria Menounos: Now last year the Oscars had the slap which was awesome. I mean bad, so bad.
Mario Lopez: We hated all the attention.
Maria Menounos: So this year to make sure nothing crazy happens, the Academy hired a new head of security notoriously calm and same person, Mike Tyson.
Mike Tyson: Oh, my goodness. Oh wow, thank you. Oh my goodness, that’s so nice of you. Thank you so much. I’m ready to handle the proceedings judiciously and expeditiously. But I should warn you, the following things will set me off. Clapping, statues of gold people and shows that lasts more than two hours. And also hearing the phrase “the magic of movies.”
Mario Lopez: And are there any new security measures in place?
Mike Tyosn: Oh, well, thank you for that question, Mario Luigi. Yes. This year all the nominees have been given tasers. All the seat fillers have been given guns. And Jimmy Kimmel has been given the flame thrower.
Maria Menounos: And not that we’re hoping for this, but are you worried at all that Will Smith is planning a second attack?
Mike Tyson: Yes, we are taking that threat very seriously. Luckily, we were able to slip one of those Apple air tags into Will Smith pocket. So we know exactly where he’ll be at all time. Unless of course he changed his pants and then he could be anywhere. So stay frosty everybody. Stay frosty.
Maria Menounos: Oh-oh, I’m legit scared.
Mario Lopez: And now of course, the show has faced a lot of complaints about a lack of diversity. But remember, Oscar turns 95 this year.
Maria Menounos: So, if you think about how racist and sexist your grandpa was at 95, by comparison, Oscar is looking pretty darn good.
Mario Lopez: And oh my gosh, speaking of looking good, it’s first time nominee for best supporting actress, Jamie Lee Curtis.
Jamie Lee Curtis: I mean, seriously, how great is this? I sold yogurt that made you poop and now I’m nominated?
Mario Lopez: Now, you have been refreshingly down to earth this whole award season. Who are you wearing tonight?
Jamie Lee Curtis: Kirkland by Costco.
Maria Menounos: Jamie, you’ve also been so vocally supportive of all your fellow nominees.
Jamie Lee Curtis: Well, because these actresses rule. Cate Blanchett, are you kidding me? She is so- Am I allowed to curse?
Mario Lopez: No.
Jamie Lee Curtis: She is so hot. And Tar? Oh my god. Tar was iconic, vivacious, carnivorous, queer, vague, confusing, long, partially in German and it was hands down the funniest movie of the year. And can I say one more thing?
Mario Lopez: I think you’re gonna.
Jamie Lee Curtis: What Ariana DeBose did at the Baptist was fun. It was by far the best live rat performance I’ve seen all year. It was incredible.
Mario Lopez: Well, good luck and have fun tonight. Oh no, I’m on my way home. It’s way past mommy’s bedtime.
Maria Menounos: Oh, I just love her. Now, one group that doesn’t traditionally watch the Oscars are Degenerate Gamblers. And that’s why this year we’re partnering with DraftKings to offer up to the minute gambling odds. What’s the latest update fellas?
Andrew: Well, guys, here are some of the latest betting lines. We got 3 to 1 odds that a young actor brings out an old actor in a wheelchair and regrets it immediately.
Devon: 2 in 1 that an actress who made $20 million last year will say the phrase “We are all Ukraine.”
Andrew: And 10 to 1 that someone in the in Memoriam is still alive.
Devon: We’re also seeing a lot of movement in the “Who’s gonna make a surprise appearance” poll.
Andrew: That’s right. Some of the favorite Long Shot picks so far are Chris Rock, Jared from Subway, Armie Hammer, The judges that overturn Roe V. Wade, George Santos pretending to be Tom Cruise, and this is 1 billion to 1 odds, Harvey Weinstein introduces Kanye West.
Maria Menounos: Wow, a girl can dream. But hold that thought because I’m told we have the stars of the Banshees of inner Sharon, Colin Farrell and Brandon Gleason.
Colin Farrell: Hello.
Maria Menounos: How do you guys like your chances tonight?[Colin Farrell and Brandon Gleason start answering in hard Irish accents]
Mario Lopez: Wow, and they haven’t even started drinking yet.
Maria Menounos: This is so exciting. I’m being told we have Michelle Williams.
Mario Lopez: Close. It’s Michelle William’s Jewish acting coach for The Fablemans.
Sarah: Hello, hello, it’s wonderful to be here even though my hair is full cocked. But Barak Hashem, I’m here.
Maria Menounos: So is The Fablemans your first Hollywood project?
Sarah: Oh, sweetie, no. I was also that Jewish acting coach for marvelous Mrs. Maisel, and weirdly for Avatar. The third one is set in a thinly veiled Hasidic community, and I believe we have a photo.
Mario Lopez: And how did you think that Michelle’s performance turned out?
Sarah: Oh, for a goyim, she was amazing. And if I close my eyes and ears, I think she is Jewish. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find my acting coach Chuck Schumer.
Maria Menounos: Wow, I love getting that insight.
Mario Lopez: And finally, this is a surprise but we are joined by the one and only Tom Cruise.
George Santos: Hello, hi. Hi. Tom Cruise here. Wonderful to be here.
Maria Menounos: Oh my god. It’s George Santos.
George Santos: No, no, I’m definitely Thomas Q. Crew. Star of this year’s blockbuster film “Top Gun II: Top Bottom”.
Mario Lopez: George, you’re not fooling anyone.
George Santos: Yeah, except I did. And now I’m in Congress. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go be everyone everywhere all at once.
Maria Menounos: Okay, he’s a hoot. He’s a hoot.
Mario Lopez: Now, let’s take a quick break. And when we return, we’ll be talking with Pinocchio from Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio.
Pinocchio: I’m gonna scare so many kids.
Maria Menounos and Mario Lopez: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.