Tina Lefaye… Cecily Strong
Dean Dumont… Mikey Day
[Starts with video clips of people walking around in Halloween costumes]Male voice: Live from the sidewalk, it’s the post Halloween red carpet special.
[Cut to Tina]Tina: Welcome, everyone. I’m Tina Lefaye. It’s 2:53AM on Halloween night and the streets are absolutely packed with adults in costumes, leaving bars and parties and trying to figure out how to get back to where they live. And the stars are out tonight. Aren’t they Dean?
Dean: They sure are, Tina. [there’s a person wearing dinosaur costume walking like he’s drunk behind Dean]In fact, look who’s already here. A drunk guy in an inflatable dinosaur costume. And I think he’s gonna fall and get hurt.
[the guy in dinosaur costume falls down]There it is. Tina?
Tina: Well, Dean, I’m here with an absolute icon of the post Halloween scene. [Chloe is looking around for her Uber] A wasted white girl who can’t find her Uber.
Chloe: I am here. Where are you?
Tina: Now Miss, I see you’re holding your shoes instead of wearing them. Can I ask why?
Chloe: Blizzards. [on phone] Dude, oh my god, speak Eng-gish.
Tina: Oh-oh, things are getting racist here. So Dean, back to you.
Dean: All right. I’m here with another late night Halloween star. A guy who is upset people didn’t appreciate his costume.
[There’s a guy wearing a suit who has a palm stuck on his cheek]Devon: Look, man, I’ll a “Slap Chris Rock” It’s funny. This is a genius costume, man. Whatever. People are dumb.
Dean: Okay, amazing. Tina.
Tina: Okay, now I rarely get starstruck. But just beside me is a staple of post Halloween everywhere. It’s a guy who really wants you to ask about his costume. So I see you claim to be the scariest thing in the world. And what is that?
Marcello: The patriarchy. [showing back of his t-shirt]
Tina: And I see patriarchy is spelled wrong. Now, you clearly hope this costume would get you laid. Has it worked?
Marcello: No. But uh, the night is young.
Tina: Hard pass. Dean.
Dean: Tina, we were hoping he’d show up tonight. And he has it’s a frat guy dressed as a giant tampon.
Jack: What up? Sigma.
Dean: Sigma. How are you tonight?
Jack: I’m chillin, bro. Sigma.
Dean: All right, sigma. Now I have to ask, how has the costume gone over?
Jack: I mean, the vibe I’m getting is like people were chill, laughter at us. Like, women who are like smart are disgusted by me.
Dean: Okay. And what’s next for you tonight?
Jack: I’ll probably get in some legal trouble or something. But my dad will handle that for me. So.. You know where I can score some coke?
Dean: I’m sorry. I don’t. Tina.
Tina: Not the last time we’ll be asked if we know where to get coke tonight. Now I’m here with a real highlight of the post Halloween scene. A guy who was in a group costume but lost his friends.
Bowen: My friends and I went as the village peoplem but I can’t find them. And now, everyone thinks I’m a real cop. I’m not. This is a squirt gun. It’s filled with tequila. I need my friends. Where are my friends?
Tina: Yikes. Dean?
Dean: Well, we heard a rumor she’d be making an appearance. It’s an impossibly drunk Dora the Explorer. And this was fun. She so- Whoa! Ha-ha. She’s so faded. She’s only saying one thing and it has absolutely nothing to do with her costume.
Dora: Tom Brady.
Dean: One more time.
Dora: Tom Brady.
Dean: All right. And why are you saying Tom Brady?
Dora: Tom Brady.
Dean: Okay, well, best of luck tonight. And I hope you find your pants. Tina.
Tina: Okay. Well, I don’t think he’s going to stop. But behind me you can see the sober middle aged man who is trying to walk his dog.
Sober man: Excuse me. Excuse me. People live here. Thank you.
Tina: Dean.
Dean: Well, here’s something you don’t normally see at 3AM. It’s a dad who clearly forgot to take his kid trick or treating earlier.
Kenan: Yeah, go and ask him for some candy.
Dean: Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t have any. Can I ask? Why you have a child out at three in the morning?
Kenan: You can ask Sheila. She texted me at 8PM saying I’m dropping them off. And I say not my weekend, Sheila. I’m getting my drink on right now, Sheila. And she says it is your weekend, which turned out it actually was. Anyway, we are here so it’s fine.
Dean: Okay, now what’s your child dressed as?
Kenan: Oh, he had Chipotle bag.
Dean: Wow, look at that. That’s so cool, buddy. Yeah. Oh, wow, Tina.
Tina: Wow, indeed. Well, we have to take a break. But we have so much more ahead, including trying to figure out if the guy behind me is dressed as Dahmer, or is an actual pervert.
Dean: I vote for pervert. Plus more with our bad dad.
Kenan: Hey, man. I’m a good dad. You know where I can get some coke?
Dean: I do not. Keep it right here.