Doctor… Cecily Strong
Keke Palmer
Doctor: How are you feeling?
Keke: You know what they say? The 12 month of pregnancy is always hardest.
Doctor: Well, okay. We just want to do one last ultrasound to make sure the twins are in the right position.
Keke: Sounds good, doctor. Hit me with the cold as jelly.
Doctor: Okay. Let’s take a look here. Oh, there they are. It’s your beautiful babies.
Keke: Oh my god. I’m crying. Look at how cute they are. Okay, y’all. That image is crisp. I’d watch Super Bowl on that thing.
Doctor: Oh, looks like they’re kicking. Okay, now would you say this is a typical amount of movement?
Keke: Well I did have three monster energy drinks this morning.
Doctor: Okay, well that’s not recommended. But it does explain the breakdancing.
Keke: Come on now. Get it.
Doctor: Does that hurt?
Keke: Well, I mean that’s what you get when your sperm donor was one of the Jabberwockeez.
Doctor: Excuse me. What?
Keke: Yeah, the sperm bank had like “I believe those athletes and then just the full bond of Jabberwocky.”
Doctor: Okay, well, just for future reference, you’re gonna want to watch your caffeine intake.
Keke: Uh-huh. And no smoking right?
Doctor: Yeah, no, that’s a big time no, no.
Keke: Okay, respect. But what if the baby’s a smoking?
Doctor: Wait what?
Keke: Yeah. My bad, my bad. This thing is like an exhaust pipe lately. [there’s smoke coming out of Keke’s vagina] Slow down, y’all. Slow down. You’re gonna drown mama out.
Doctor: But why are they smoking cigarettes?
Keke: Because it let’s go. Now, doctor, medically speaking, what are they doing with the umbilical cord?
Doctor: Well, medically speaking they appear to be jumping ropes.
Keke: Sorry, I’ve been craving Flaming Hot Cheetos lately. Damn, these things are hot.
Doctor: Yeah, I can see that. [There’s fire in ultrasound screen. The babies are using fire extinguisher.] Well, you might want to take it easy on the spicy foods.
Keke: You know, doc, I wasn’t even sure I wanted to get pregnant. But then I lost two IUDs in a row and I just took it as a sign. You know?
Doctor: Well, I think I found them.
Oh, come in.
Delivery guy: Hi, I have a seamless delivery filet o fish.
Doctor: I think you have the wrong room sir. Nobody here ordered McDonald’s.
Keke: Wait, wait. I think the babies did.
Doctor: What? they have a phone?
Keke: Yeah. I’m not one of those parents who’s going to limit screen time like a loser. [tiny hands pop out of Keke’s clothes] Oh, looks like they’re hungry.
Delivery guy: Oh, what the hell?
Keke: What are you waiting for? Get kids a fish. Okay, here you go. Alright. Love you, babies. Oh, don’t forget your tip, bro. Come on. There you go. [Tiny hands pull out $1 bill]
Delivery guy: No, I’m good.
Keke: Aww, look at how happy they are.
Man, they really chewing them up, aren’t they?
Oh, excuse you.
Doctor: Well. I have to say, I don’t think baby should be eating filet of fish sandwiches in the womb. Wait a second. Where are they? Where did they go? Oh my God. [Doctor uses the ultrasound kit on her womb. The babies are there.] Nooo!