Ultrasound

Doctor… Cecily Strong

Keke Palmer

Doctor: How are you feeling?

Keke: You know what they say? The 12 month of pregnancy is always hardest.

Doctor: Well, okay. We just want to do one last ultrasound to make sure the twins are in the right position.

Keke: Sounds good, doctor. Hit me with the cold as jelly.

Doctor: Okay. Let’s take a look here. Oh, there they are. It’s your beautiful babies.

Keke: Oh my god. I’m crying. Look at how cute they are. Okay, y’all. That image is crisp. I’d watch Super Bowl on that thing.

Doctor: Oh, looks like they’re kicking. Okay, now would you say this is a typical amount of movement?

Keke: Well I did have three monster energy drinks this morning.

Doctor: Okay, well that’s not recommended. But it does explain the breakdancing.

Keke: Come on now. Get it.

Doctor: Does that hurt?

Keke: Well, I mean that’s what you get when your sperm donor was one of the Jabberwockeez.

Doctor: Excuse me. What?

Keke: Yeah, the sperm bank had like “I believe those athletes and then just the full bond of Jabberwocky.”

Doctor: Okay, well, just for future reference, you’re gonna want to watch your caffeine intake.

Keke: Uh-huh. And no smoking right?

Doctor: Yeah, no, that’s a big time no, no.

Keke: Okay, respect. But what if the baby’s a smoking?

Doctor: Wait what?

[The babies in the ultrasound are smoking]

Keke: Yeah. My bad, my bad. This thing is like an exhaust pipe lately. [there’s smoke coming out of Keke’s vagina] Slow down, y’all. Slow down.  You’re gonna drown mama out.

Doctor: But why are they smoking cigarettes?

Keke: Because it let’s go. Now, doctor, medically speaking, what are they doing with the umbilical cord?

Doctor: Well, medically speaking they appear to be jumping ropes.

Keke: Sorry, I’ve been craving Flaming Hot Cheetos lately. Damn, these things are hot.

Doctor: Yeah, I can see that. [There’s fire in ultrasound screen. The babies are using fire extinguisher.] Well, you might want to take it easy on the spicy foods.

Keke: You know, doc, I wasn’t even sure I wanted to get pregnant. But then I lost two IUDs in a row and I just took it as a sign. You know?

Doctor: Well, I think I found them.

[The babies in ultrasound are playing with IUDs.]
[door knocking]

Oh, come in.

Delivery guy: Hi, I have a seamless delivery filet o fish.

Doctor: I think you have the wrong room sir. Nobody here ordered McDonald’s.

Keke: Wait, wait. I think the babies did.

[The babies in ultrasound are showing their order in their phone.]

Doctor: What? they have a phone?

Keke: Yeah. I’m not one of those parents who’s going to limit screen time like a loser. [tiny hands pop out of Keke’s clothes] Oh, looks like they’re hungry.

Delivery guy: Oh, what the hell?

Keke: What are you waiting for? Get kids a fish. Okay, here you go. Alright. Love you, babies. Oh, don’t forget your tip, bro. Come on. There you go. [Tiny hands pull out $1 bill]

Delivery guy: No, I’m good.

Keke: Aww, look at how happy they are.

[Ultra sound showing babies eating]

Man, they really chewing them up, aren’t they?

[the babies burp loudly]

Oh, excuse you.

Doctor: Well. I have to say, I don’t think baby should be eating filet of fish sandwiches in the womb. Wait a second. Where are they? Where did they go? Oh my God. [Doctor uses the ultrasound kit on her womb. The babies are there.] Nooo!