Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Janis Ian performs “At Seventeen”

from the album: Between the Lines (1975)

…..George Carlin
…..Janis Ian

George Carlin: We would like to introduce to you – Janis Ian.

[ Carlin disappears from the stage as Janis Ian, standing onstage within arm’s reach of the audience, begins to play ]

Janis Ian:
“I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear-skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired.

The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen, I learned the truth.

And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say, “Come dance with me.”
And murmured vague obscenities
It isn’t all it seems, at seventeen.

A brown-eyed girl in hand-me-downs
Whose name I never could pronounce
Said, “Pity, please, the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve.”

And the rich-relationed home town queen
Marries into what she need
With a guarantee of company
And haven for the elderly.

Remember those who win the game
Lose the love they sought to gain
In debentures of quality
And dubious integrity
Their small-town eyes will gape at you
In dull surprise, when payment due
Exceeds accounts received, at seventeen.

To those of us who knew the pain
Of valentines that never came
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball.

It was long ago and far away
The world was younger than today
When dreams were all they gave for free
To ugly duckling girls like me.

We all play the game, and when we dare
To cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting others lives unknown
That call and say, “Come on, dance with me.”
And murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me, at seventeen.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Billy Preston performs “Nothing From Nothing”

from the album: The Kids & Me (1974)

…..Billy Preston

[ open on a close-up of a set of drums, as the opening notes of the song begins to play ]

[ cut to the back wall of the musical stage, focus on a mural featuring the likenesses of Billy Preston. Zoom out to reveal Preston and his band jamming cheerfully on their instruments. ]

Don Pardo V/O: And, now – Billy Preston, with “Nothing From Nothing!”

Billy Preston:
“Nothing from nothing leaves nothing
You gotta have something, if you wanna be with me.
Nothing from nothing leaves nothing
You gotta have something, if you wanna be with me.

Yeah, yeah!
That’s right, baby
Yeah, baby.
Yeah!

I’m not tryin’ to be your hero
‘Cause that zero, is too cold for me – brrr!I’m not tryin’ to be your highness
‘Cause that minus is too low to see.

Oh, yeah
Yeah!
Yeah, yeah
Yeah!

Nothing from nothing leaves nothing
And I’m not stuffin’, believe you me
Don’t you remember I told ya, I’m a soldier
In the war on poverty.

Yes, I am
Yeah, yeah
Yeah!
Yeah, baby.

[ break ]

Nothing from nothing leaves nothing – isn’t that right?
You got to have something, if you wanna be with me – oh, baby!
Nothing from nothing leaves nothing
You got to have something to be with me.”

Yeah, baby
Yeah!
That’s right!
Yeah
Go ‘head!

You got to have something, if you wanna be with me
You got to bring me something, girl – ha! – if you wanna be with me
You got to know how to party
You got to know how to party
You got to know how to party, it’s alright
If you wanna be with me!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

The Muppets

Ploobis…..Jim Henson
Scred…..Jerry Nelson
Peuta…..Alice Tweedy
Vazh…..Rhonda Hansome
Mighty Favog…..Frank Oz

[ The camera pans across a deserted, rocky landscape — craters filled with smoky, bubbling slime. ]

Announcer: Come with us now… from the bubbling tarpits to the sulfurous wasteland… from the rotting forest to the stagnant mud flats…

Ploobis: [ singing ] From the bubbling tarpits… to the sulfurous wasteland… This land was made for me! And me only! Cause I am Ploobis! King of all I survey. [ Ploobis reaches into a crater and picks up a phone receiver. ] Scred! Scred!

[ Scred enters. ]

Scred: Yes, oh high supreme mucky muck, sir!

Ploobis: Scred, I’m hungry.

Scred: Ohh… what would please your flatulence?

[ Ploobis grabs Scred by the throat. ]

Ploobis: FOOD! See, I’m hungry — and when I get hungry, I get a headache. [ He shakes Scred by the throat a bit. ] And when I get a headache, I get, uh…

Scred: Furious?

Ploobis: No.

Scred: Angry?

Ploobis: [ shaking Scred ] NO!

Scred: Cranky!

Ploobis: NO!

Scred: Peevish!

Ploobis: NO!

Scred: Irked!

Ploobis: NO!

Scred: MILDLY ANNOYED!

Ploobis: That’s IT! [ He releases Scred, who gasps for breath. ]

Scred: Oh, thank you, sire.

Ploobis: I get mildly annoyed when I don’t have food.

Scred: I’ll see to it immediately, your grossness.

[ Scred slinks off. ]

Ploobis: Hmmm. This is something Peuta should have taken care of.

[ Queen Peuta enters, shrieking. ]

Peuta: I heard that! [ Ploobis winces. ] I don’t have time to worry about your food. Especially in my condition.

Ploobis: Mmmm.

Peuta: I said, especially in my condition.

Ploobis: Especially in your condition.

Peuta: Yes.

Ploobis: Rrgh. What do you expect me to do about it? You’re too old to molt.

Peuta: Arrgh! Oh, Ploobis — I don’t know what my problem is. I’m just not in the swing of things. You see… I’m having tremendous difficulty releasing my darts.

Ploobis: Releasing your darts. Urrgh. What should I do about it?

[ Scred enters and hides behind Ploobis. ]

Peuta: Go to The Mighty Favog. He’s the only one who can relieve my pain.

Ploobis: Mmm. Your pain is my pain, m’dear.

Peuta: I’m going to lie down now. Perhaps the darts will loosen.

[ Peuta exits. ]

Scred: Uh, would it help if I massaged your moogies? [ Ploobis grabs Scred. ] Ow ow ow ow! Only joking, only kidding, your majesty!

Ploobis: Don’t say it if you don’t mean it. [ He releases Scred. ]

Scred: Yes, sire.

[ Scred exits, and Vazh enters, bearing food. ]

Ploobis: Ah, there you are.

Vazh: Here’s your food, Ploobis!

Ploobis: Well, thank you, Vazh — what’ve you got here? Grrrh… [ Ploobis can’t get the prop turkey leg off Vazh’s hand. This is one of the problems with live TV puppetry. Vazh falls partly out of shot as Ploobis grabs the meat. ] Let go of it, would you? Mmmm. [ He tastes the meat. ] Tastes like boiled Kleenex. Mmph. This tastes familiar — is this anyone I know?

Vazh: Will you want dessert, Ploobis?

Ploobis: Unnnh. What I want, Angel Buns — is not on the menu. [ He embraces her. ] C’mere, you. Ohhh. Yeah. Oh, sweetheart. Mmm.

[ Peuta enters and interrupts. ]

Peuta: Ploobis! What are you doing?

[ Ploobis starts, throwing Vazh to the floor with a crash. ]

Ploobis: Ah! Well, uh — excuse me, ma’am. [ Vazh gets up, cradling her head. ] Uh. I was just on my way to The Mighty Favog, y’see.

[ GONNGGG! The Mighty Favog is revealed. ]

Favog: DIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG. HOW MANY IN YOUR PARTY?

[ Ploobis and Scred approach respectfully. ]

Ploobis: Uh… one! Me and Scred.

Favog: TALK TA ME.

Ploobis: Oh, Mighty Favog! I got a problem.

Favog: BUSINESS, SPORTS OR PERSONAL?

Ploobis: Uh… Scred?

Scred: Medical, your grossness.

Ploobis: Oh, Mighty Favog, it’s medical.

Favog: MEDICAL.

Ploobis: Mmm.

Favog: IT’S GONNA COST YA.

[ Ploobis looks uneasily at Scred. ]

Favog: THREE CHICKENS, TWO SWANS, AND A DUCK.

Ploobis: Holy guacamole. Whatcha got on you, Scred?

Scred: Just two chickens. But that’s carfare home!

Ploobis: Oh Favog, I offer you two chickens — it’s all I’ve got!

Favog: BUSINESS IS SLOW. I’LL TAKE ‘EM.

Ploobis: Hand him the chickens.

Scred: Oh, okay — but phooey, anyway. [ Scred holds two chickens over the sacrificial hole. ] Are you ready?

Favog: LAY ‘EM ON YOUR GOD!

Scred: Here they come!

[ Scred drops the chickens into the hole. They land with a splash, and there’s a flushing sound as The Mighty Favog digests the sacrifice. He smacks his lips. ]

Favog: AWRIGHT. STATE YOUR PROBLEM.

Ploobis: Oh, Mighty Favog! My charming wife Peuta can’t release her darts.

Favog: MMMMM. AWRIGHT. YA READY?

Ploobis & Scred: We are ready, Oh Mighty Favog!

[ There’s a clap of thunder and a flash of lightning. ]

Favog: HERE IS THE ANSWER!

Ploobis: Yeah?

Favog: CHEER UP. THINGS COULD BE WORSE.

[ GONG!!! ]

Ploobis: For that, I paid two chickens?

Favog: LIKE I SAID — CHEER UP, THINGS COULD BE WORSE. YOU COULDA PAID FOUR CHICKENS. NEXT!

[ Scred and Ploobis walk off. ]

Scred: You can’t argue with that…

Ploobis: Yeah, but…

Favog: I’M HERE EVERY DAY! TELL YER FRIENDS!

[ fade ]

Courtesy of: Tough Pigs Anthology

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

George Carlin’s Monologue

…..George Carlin

George Carlin: Thank you! Talk about a live show! It’s nice to see you, welcome, and thanks for joining us – live. Um.. I’m kinda glad that we’re on at night, so that we’re not competing with all the football and baseball. So many, man.. And this is the time of year when there’s both, you know?

Football’s kinda nice, they changed it a little bit – they moved the hash marks in. Guys found it and smoked them, anyway! But you know, football wants to be the number-one sport, the national pasttime. And I think it already is, really, because football represents something we are – we are Europe, Jr. When you get right down to it, we’re Europe, Jr. We play a Eurpe game. What was the Europe game? [ high voice ] “Let’s take their land away from them! You’ll be the pink, on up; we’ll be blue, the red and the green!”

Ground acquisition. And that’s what football is, football’s a ground acquisition game. You knock the crap out of eleven guys and take their land away from them. Of course, we only do it ten yards at a time. That’s the way we did it with the Indians – we won it little by little. First down in Ohio – Midwest to go!

Let’s put it this way – there are things about the words surrounding football and baseball, which give it all away:

Football is technological; baseball is pastoral.

Football is played in a stadium; baseball is played in the park.

In football, you wear a helmet; in baseball, you wear a cap.

Football is played on an enclosed, rectangular grid, and everyone of them is the same size; baseball is played on an ever-widening angle that reaches to inifinity, and every park is different!

Football is rigidly timed; baseball has no time limit, we don’t know when it’s gonna end! We might even have extra innings!

In football, you get a penalty; in baseball, you make an error – whoops!

The object in football is to march downfield and penetrate enemy territory, and get into the end zone; in baseball, the object is to go home! “I’m going home!”

And, in football, they have the clip, the hit, the block, the tackle, the blitz, the bomb, the offense and the defense; in baseball, they have.. the sacrifice.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Andy Kaufman

…..Andy Kaufman

Announcer: And now, here’s Andy Kaufman!

[ Kaufman stands next to a record player, looking nervously at the audience for several seconds, before finally turning the record player on ]

[ Theme From “Mighty Mouse” cartoon begins to play ]

Record:
Mister Trouble never hangs around
When he hears this Mighty sound:

Andy Kaufman: [ raises left arm and lip-synchs: ]
“Here I come to save the day!”

Record:
That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way!

Yes sir, when there is a wrong to right
Mighty Mouse will join the fight.

[ Kaufman starts to lip-synch his part by mistake, then stops himself ]

Record:
On the sea or on the land
He gets the situation well in hand.

So though we are in danger, we never despair
‘Cause we know that where there’s danger, he is there!
He is there! On the land! On the sea! In the air!

We’re not worryin’ at all
We’re just listenin’ for his call:

Andy Kaufman: [ raises left arm and lip-synchs: ]
“Here I come to save the day!”

Record:
That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way!

[ during instrumental break, Kaufman reaches for a glass of water to wet his lips ]

Record:
We’re not worryin’ at all
We’re just listenin’ for his call:

Andy Kaufman: [ raises left arm and lip-synchs: ]
“Here I come to save the day!”

Record:
That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way!

[ Kaufman bows to the audience ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Jamitol

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Man #1 … Chevy Chase
Man #2 … Michael O’Donoghue
Announcer …

[Two soft-spoken, casually-dressed men address thecamera, betraying not a trace of effeminacy. Man #1 istall. Man #2 is shorter, bespectacled and bearded.]

Man #1: This is my best friend, my business partner,my advisor, my companion, my wife. And I love her.She’s quite a gal, you know. She takes care of thehouse, cooks great meals, makes studded leather vestsat our own boutique, and still has enough energy togive me the attention I need at the end of a long day.I don’t know how you do it.

Man #2: Well, I take care of myself. I get plenty ofrest, go to the Y, eat right and, to make sure I getenough iron and vitamins, I take Jamitol every day.[puts a pipe in his mouth]

Man #1: Makes me take it, too.

[Dissolve to two packages of the product (tablet andliquid) and a large spoon.]

Announcer: Jamitol. More than twice the iron andhigh-potency vitamins found in other supplements.Tablet or liquid.

[Cut back to the two men. Man #2 takes the pipe out ofhis mouth.]

Man #1: My wife. She’s quite a gal. And I love her forit.

[The two men glance at one another matter-of-factly,as a husband and wife would, then look back at thecamera.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Show Us Your Guns

[A gated flatbed truck rolls slowly down a tree-linedroad. Standing in the bed are a camera crew and agroup of people who wave and hold a large sign thatreads: SHOW US YOUR GUNS]

Announcer: We at Saturday Night wanted to see whatkind of people carry guns. So we took our camera crewinto the streets to find out.

[We hear a rousing version of the William TellOverture as the camera tracks slowly past variouspeople, all of whom smile and proudly display theirguns to the camera:

Two young boys watch as their father, wearing a chef’shat and apron, emerges from behind his backyard grillto hold up a rifle. A smiling blonde, leaning againsta lamppost, pulls a pistol from her large carrying bagand holds it up above her head. A man guides a lawnmower with one hand as he pulls a small pistol fromhis back pocket with the other. A housewife, in gownand slippers, emerges from her home and walks down herfront steps with a submachine gun.

The truck rolls through town, the camera crew stillfilming, the others in the truck still smiling, wavingand holding the large SHOW US YOUR GUNS sign.

More proud gun owners: At a gas station, a motoriststands by her car, holding a rifle above her head astwo employees wave pistols. On a sidewalk, a motherreaches down into the baby stroller she is pushing topull out a revolver. Two masked gunmen rush out of aliquor store, see the camera, and pause to hold uptheir weapons before racing off down the sidewalk withtheir loot — followed, moments later, by a liquorstore clerk who levels a pistol at the departingcrooks but, before firing, notices the camera andhappily holds up his gun. A woman, clipping hedges inher yard, turns to see the camera and quickly whips arevolver out of her pants suit.

We get a closer view of the truck rolling by as thecrew holds their sign, smiles, points, and wavesencouragement to still more gun owners:

Two shady-looking, mustachioed men stand by their carand peer at the camera: one starts to reach into hisinside jacket pocket but his companion puts a hand onhim and shakes his head — so they merely wave andsmile. A little old lady on a park bench waves herwhite gloves at the camera, then reaches into herpurse to pull out an automatic. A uniformed trafficcop sees the sign, looks into his holster, realizeshis gun is missing, shrugs unconcernedly, looks aroundat the ground for it, can’t find it, shrugs again, andwaves a friendly goodbye as the camera moves off. Awedding party on the steps of a church hurl rice atthe bride and groom — all pause upon seeing theoncoming camera, then the groom holds up a pistol, thebride a machine gun, and the wedding guests anassortment of firearms.

As the William Tell Overture reaches its climax, wesee one last shot of the people on the truck …]

Announcer: When you see our Saturday Night truck inyour neighborhood, show us your guns!

[Dissolve to a large number of people standing infront of the Briarcliff hardware store, waving theirweapons proudly into the camera as we fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Goodnights

…..George Carlin

George Carlin: Just wanna thank you all for havingsome live fun with us — you at home andeverybody here. And wanna thank all the guests, ofcourse: Janis Ian, Billy Preston, Albert Brooks, theMuppets, Valri Bromfield, Andy Kaufman, the Not quiteReady for Prime Time Players and everyone who tookpart in this. And I would not be sensible and sane ifI didn’t tell ya [holds up a copy of hisGrammy-nominated comedy album “An Evening with WallyLondo, Featuring Bill Slazso”] I got a brand new albumthis week. I hope you’ll see it. Bye-bye.

[Applause. The SNL Band plays the closing theme forthe first time. Carlin waves goodnight, interacts withthe crowd and, at one point, mimes falling asleep aswe see the following credits:]

DELTA AIRLINES has paid for a promotional announcement

Limousines Furnished by LONDON TOWNCARS

Costumes Furnished by BROOKS VAN HORNE

produced by LORNE ‘BUD’ MICHAELS

directed by DAVE ‘BUD’ WILSON

written by
ANNE ‘BUD’ BEATTS
CHEVY ‘BUD’ CHASE
AL ‘BUD’ FRANKEN and TOM ‘BUD’ DAVIS
LORNE ‘BUD’ MICHAELS
ROSIE ‘BUD’ MICHAELS
GARRETT ‘BUD’ MORRIS
MICHAEL ‘BUD’ O’DONOGHUE
HERB ‘BUD’ SARGENT
TOM ‘BUD’ SCHILLER
ALAN ‘BUD’ ZWEIBEL

script consultant
HERB ‘BUD’ SARGENT

writing supervised by
MICHAEL ‘BUD’ O’DONOGHUE
LORNE ‘BUD’ MICHAELS

associate producer
BARBARA ‘BUD’ GALLAGHER

production and costumes designed by
EUGENE ‘BUD’ LEE
FRANNE ‘BUD’ LEE

music director
HOWARD ‘BUD’ SHORE

film segments produced by
PENELOPE ‘BUD’ SPHEERIS
GARY ‘BUD’ WEIS

title sequence
EDIE ‘BUD’ BASKIN

talent consultant
CRAIG ‘BUD’ KELLEM

talent scout
JOHN ‘BUD’ HEAD

assistant to the producer
AUDREY ‘BUD’ DICKMAN

production manager
EDWARD ‘BUD’ DYAS

unit manager
JIM FOX

technical director
HEINO RIPP

lighting directors
BOB DAVIS
HERB GREELEY

audio
SCOTTY SCHACTER

video
TONY NELLE

associate director
PETER FATOVICH

stage managers
JOE DICSO
BOB VAN RY

makeup
FRANCES KOLAR

hairstyles
TED LONG

production assistant
NEIL LEVY

design assistance by
DONNA ‘BUD’ TOMAS
AKITA ‘BUD’ YOSHIMURA

graphics
BOB ‘BUD’ POOK

executive producer for NBC
DICK ‘BUD’ EBERSOL

this has been an NBC television network production

[Toward the end of the credits, we pan up to thechandelier hanging above home base. The image of thechandelier eventually goes out of focus and the showends.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

The Courtroom

Judge…..George Coe
Prosecuter…..Chevy Chase
Ms. Davis….Jane Curtin
Defense Attorney…..Garrett Morris
Juror #1…..Dan Aykroyd
Juror # 2…..John Belushi
Juror #3…..Gilda Radner
Jurors….. Richard Belzer, Tom Davis, Neil Levy

[open on courtroom ]

Judge: [throwing down the gavel] Now I must have order please or I’m forced to clear this courtroom.

Prosecutor: [questioning Ms. Davis ] Ms. Davis, could you kindly tell the court in your own words what the defendent allegedly said to you when he pulled you into the alleyway?

Ms. Davis: He said “Hey . . . Hey, baby, h-how’d you like to, ummm . . . I can’t, I . . .

Judge: [throws the gavel again] Now, please, Ms. Davis. I know this is very difficult for you but this is extremely important evidence.

Ms. Davis: He said “h-how’d you like to, ummm . . . Don’t make me say it . . .

Defense Attorney: (strangely Jamaican) Objection. The witness is not on trial here. Now obviously what he said was too upsetting for her to repeat.

Prosecutor: Objection. heresay.

Judge: Gentlemen, gentlemen. (atttorneys approach the bench) Now since this evidence is so extremely important, perhaps Ms. Davis might write down the defendent’s remarks on a piece of paper. (Both attorneys concur)

(Ms. Davis writes down the remarks and hands the paper to the Judge. He is speechless from the paper and hands it to the Defense Attorney. Also speechless, he hands it to the Prosecutor. He is startled and annoyedand hands it to jury. Juror #1 is not amused by the paper, hands it to Juror #2, who is also shocked by it. Juror #2 sees Juror #3 is asleep and nudges her to wake up and read the paper. After perusing thepaper, Juror #3 turns to Juror #2 and gives the “Okay” to his “proposition”. Juror #2 is flattered (gives that signature Belushi “eyebrow raise”).)

[ fade ]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

George Carlin Stand-Up III

…..George Carlin

George Carlin: [ makes face ] It’s already Sunday, and it’s God’s day OFF!! That’s what it said in the Bible – He worked six days, then He took Sunday off. It’s His one day off, and THAT’S the day we all go in and crowd the church and ask him: [ mumbles praying sounds ] “It’s my day off, man!”

Well, we create God in our own image and likeness. No question about that. Every time I see a picture of God, I mean, He has knees and toenails, right? Uh – and a good example – a better example – of our kind of self-centeredness, when it comes to God – when we put a statue of Jesus on the dashboard, instead of having Him looking out and watching for traffic, which is what He should be doing, we have Him watching us drive. [ mimes operating a steering wheel with frenzy ] “Heeeeyyy!! Watch THIS, Jesus! Left turn!” Yuo ever see a statue leap? Jumped right up into the baby shoes that time. Don’t worry, don’t worry – the universe is in balance, because Jesus has a statue of a middle-class American hypocrite on His dashboard. It’s alright. Things work out well.

But, uh – we are so conceited about this God concept, that we, we’ll go around describing Him to each other. I mean, we say, “He’s infinite, and we can never undertand Him – but I’ll describe him for ‘ya!” What – well, here’s what it’s like – first of all, first of all, uh, He knows everything. He knows absolutely everything. I don’t even know what I’m talking about, He knows what I mean. Secondly, He never started and He’s never gonna end. And third, He is all powerful. He can do anything. He can throw a car right over a wall. He’s just like us – He’s a cool guy, that’s all God is, a cool guy. That’s what all the religions told us: “He’s like us, He’s us.” That’s what all the big ones, all the big religions said, “Love yourself, Love your God, Love your neighbor, because you’re all basically the same person. We just don’t have uniforms yet, that’s all.”

And we do go for that, don’t we? We kinda buy that. “Oh, yeah, I’m God. Sure. Stanley is God. Arlene is God. God and me are Arlene and Stanley.” It makes things a little complicated, but we do kinda believe God. And if God is like us, I think he may perhaps be subject to Physical Laws. I mean, supernatural? [ grimaces ] But subject to Physical Laws, possibly. It would explain a lot of things. It would explain why He always has to send an angel as a messenger. I mean, if He’s God, why doesn’t He show up? “Hey, I got a message for ‘ya, here you go.” He sends an angel. And the angel always flies in over a mountain – I mean, that implies that you’re traversing over a phyical space. So, possibly, uh, God is subject to Physical Laws. People say, “Well, if God is so benevolent, how can He let people suffer?” [ shrugs his shoulders ] He can’t help, it lady! He’s subject to Physical Laws!

Maybe He’s only a, uh, semi Supreme being. Because He’s like us, and we’re not perfect. I-I think God may not be, uh, perfect. I think His work.. shows that. Take a look at a mountain range – they’re all crooked, they’re never in line. All different sizes. There are no two leaves that same. He can’t even give two people the same fingerprints! He’s had BILLIONS of years to work on some of this stuff! And EVERYTHING He has ever MADE.. DIED!! Everything so far!! [ audience applauds ] So far! Where did He get this great reputation? He’s batting .000!

Now, some religions – which are not to be confused with God – some religions will tell you that it’s quite okay not to worry about your own life. Religion has a way of relieving yourself of any responsibility for your acts. It’s God’s will! “Oh, I ran over the kid in the driveway, yes, but don’t look at me! [ chuckles ] God’s will!” Can’t you see a lynch mob going, “Let’s get this guy, God! That’s the fourth kid He’s killed this week!”

Religion – religion, at best – at BEST – is like a lift in your shoe. If you need it for a while, and it makes you walk straight and feel better – fine. But you don’t need it forever, or you can become permanently disabled. Religion is like a lift in the shoe, and I say just don’t ask me to wear your shoes. And let’s not go down and nail lifts onto the natives’ feet.

[ audience applauds ]

SNL Transcripts