Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 11
07k: Shia LaBeouf / My Morning Jacket
MacGruber
MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Merrill…..Shia LaBeouf
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]
Singers:
MacGruber!
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
MacGruber!
He’s working with his son now, and they’ve never been closer!
MacGruber!
It’s like they never were estranged!
[CUT to MacGruber and his son, Merrill, performing punching pose against footage of flames.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!
[CUT to a chemical warfare silo. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Chemical Warfare Silo.” CUT to a sign marked “Silo Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Merrill: [struggling with locked door] Dad! I mean… MacGruber! The silo door is welded shut!
Vicky: That’s not our only problem, Macgruber — by the looks of that pipe bomb, this place is gonna blow in twenty seconds!
MacGruber: Well, one person’s problem is another person’s “No problem at all.” Well, calm down, because we will get out of here.
Vicky: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Okay! Vicky! [ pointing ] Hand me that battery!
Vicky: Coming right up, Macgruber!
MacGruber: Merrill! That bottle cap!
Merrill: You got it, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Vicky! That rubber band!
Vicky: Coming right up, Macgruber!
MacGruber: Okay, now has anybody see any oil, or grease, or any petroleum-based substance?
[ Merrill stares silently, mouth agape ]
Vicky: TEN SECONDS!!
MacGruber: Come on, dig deep — we need this NOW!!
Merrill: [ reluctantly digs in his pocket, pulls out small tube ] Here you go, MacGruber! [ tosses it over ]
MacGruber: Nice job, son! [ examines the tube and frowns ] Anal lubricant?
[ Merrill lowers his head in shame ]
Vicky: [ checking her watch ] SEVEN seconds, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Okay, right, right! Uhh — [ distracted, turns to face Merrill ] So, you just kinda have this?
Merrill: I’ve been doing some experimenting.
MacGruber: So, who’s the lucky girl?
Merrill: [ a beat ] Scott.
[ MacGruber stares in shock ]
[ Vicky grimaces ]
[ MacGruber continues to stare in shock ]
[CUT to the silo exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!
[FADE to black over applause.]
