Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 4

01d: John Goodman / Ja Rule

Hudson Valley Community Circuit

Dr. Keith Vester…..Dan Aykroyd
Al Gezzera…..Horatio Sanz
Sheila Kyda…..Ana Gasteyer
Al Kyda…..Will Ferrell
Tallulah Bands…..Rachel Dratch
Tony…..Dean Edwards
Ron…..Jimmy Fallon
Samuel L. Freelock…..Darrell Hammond

Dr. Keith Vester: Good evening, and welcome to Hudson Valley Community Circuit. I’m Dr. Keith Vester. Today, we have with us some people from the region who claim they are suffering a serious erosion in their business since the attack on our country. Hello. [ everyone says hello ] So, what town in the valley are you all from?

Al Kyda: Mt. Arab.

Dr. Keith Vester: [ pause ] Alright. And who are you, sir?

Al Gezzera: Al.

Dr. Keith Vester: Al..?

Al Gezzera: My name is Al Gezzera. I’m President of Al Gezzera Dodge-Plymouth Misubishi.

Dr. Keith Vester: You’re an auto dealer?

Al Gezzera: Not after 2 AM tomorrow morning. When the country receiver repossesses my stock of cars.

Dr. Keith Vester: Out of business. You haven’t sold a car all month. And, you folks?

Sheila Kyda: Sheila and Al Kyda.

Al Kyda: Kyda. I’m actually third-generation Czech-American.

Dr. Keith Vester: So, Sheila and Al Kyda. And you do business as?

Sheila Kyda: The Kyda Trading Network.

Dr. Keith Vester: And you’re having trouble selling..?

Al Kyda: Used Persian rugs.

Dr. Keith Vester: [ turns to other side ] And your name?

Tallulah Bands: Tallulah Michelle Bands – my friends call me Tally!

Dr. Keith Vester: Business?

Tallulah Bands: Tally Bands Candy & Cakes!

Dr. Keith Vester: No sale?

Tallulah Bands: Well, uh.. my partner is offering to buy me out.

Dr. Keith Vester: And what’s her name?

Tallulah Bands: Kathy Ann McKenna.

Dr. Keith Vester: She’ll probably do okay. [ looks at young men seated next to her ] And, uh.. you two. What’s the story?

Tony: Yeah, I’m Tony, this is Ron. We’re dealers.

Dr. Keith Vester: [ confused ] In what?

Tony & Ron: Afghan hash!

Dr. Keith Vester: And you’re out of business, too?

Ron: Oh, no, no, no! Actually, we’re doing great, and supply is tight and prices are up. We got a couple bricks from our summer tour to Kabul, so we’re set!

Tony: Yeah, yeah. We just came to help out.

Ron: We gave a ride over here to Al Gezzera, and Sheila and Al Kyda, Tally Bands in our new Lincoln Blackwood.

Dr. Keith Vester: And, over here to my right?

Samuel L. Freelock: Yes, sir! My name is Samuel L. Freelock! But like Charles Durning, I’m only 52, but I look 70, so everyone calls me Old Sammy!

Dr. Keith Vester: Old Sammy?

Samuel L. Freelock: Yes, sir!

Dr. Keith Vester: And, might I inquire, sir, what is the nature of your business?

Samuel L. Freelock: Well, I manufacture custom-made scoops for the bulk retail cereal and confections trade! Yes, I do!

Dr. Keith Vester: And.. the name of your company?

Samuel L. Freelock: Old Sammy’s Bin Ladles! [ chortles ]

Al Gezzera: Uh.. please.. I’d like everyone to know the spelling of my name is G-E-Z-Z, I don’t have the word “gizz” in my last name.

Tallulah Bands: He’s been saying that since high school! [ laughs ]

Dr. Keith Vester: We’ve been talking with some people from Mt. Arab, New York. Up next, we’ll be diping in the valley mailbag. Let’s see.. [ grabs letter ] ..here’s one from Mark Albert Lechman. He writes us from the Pennsylvania region, from the historic coal-mining town of Anthracite. [ opens letter, spilling white powder ]

[ the guests run from the studio ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 1

01a: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys

9/11 Tribute

…..Mayor Rudolph Guiliani
…..Paul Simon
…..Lorne Michaels

[ open on New York Mayor Rudolph Guiliani standing at Home Base surrounded by two dozen members of the New York Fire and Police Department ]

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Good evening. Since September 11th, many people have called New York a city of heroes. Well, these are the heroes. The brave men and women of the New York Fire Department, the New York Police Department, the Port Authority Police Department, Fire Commissioner Tom Von Essen, and Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik.

On September 11th, more lives were lost than on any other single day in America’s history. More than Pearl Harbor, and more than D-Day. The men, women and children who were in the World Trade Center came from across the country and 80 different nations. They were living their lives and pursuing their dreams, and they, too, are remembered as heroes. On our city’s darkest day, our heroes met the worst of humanity with the best of humanity. Their acts of heroism saved more than 25,000 lives. But even as we grieve for our loved ones, it’s up to us to face our future with renewed determination. Our hearts are broken, but they are beating, and they are beating stronger than ever. New Yorkers are unified. We will not yield to terrorism. We will not let our decisions be made out of fear. We choose to live our lives in freedom.

[ camera pans to the adjacent stage, where Paul Simon is ready on guitar ]

Paul Simon: [ singing “The Boxer” ]
“I am just a poor boy.
Though my story’s seldom told,
I have squandered my resistance
For a pocketful of mumbles,
Such are promises
All lies and jest
Still, a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest.

Lie-la-lie … “

[ camera pans back to Mayor Rudolph Guiliani and company, as Lorne Michaels joins them on stage ]

Lorne Michaels: On behalf of everyone here, I just want to thank you all for being here tonight, especially you, sir.

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Thank you, Lorne. Thank you very much. Having our city’s institutions up and running sends a message that New York City is open for business. “Saturday Night Live” is one of our great New York City institutions, and that’s why it’s important for you to do your show tonight.

Lorne Michaels: Can we be funny?

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Why start now? “Live, from New York! It’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 4

01d: John Goodman / Ja Rule

She’s The Girl With No Gaydar!!!

Nicole…..Rachel Dratch
Eliza…..Ana Gasteyer
Julius…..John Goodman
Troy…..Seth Meyers
Man #3…..Jimmy Fallon
Man #4…..Chris Kattan
Man #2…..Tracy Morgan
Nicole’s Father…..Will Ferrell

[open on effeminate men at house party]

[Nicole and Eliza enter]

Nicole: Wow, your friend Troy’s apartment is amazing!

Eliza: I know. He’s an interior designer.

Nicole: And look at all these guys! It’s like, all these guys and we’re the only two women? This ratio’s really in our favor. Boy, I’m glad I shaved my legs all the way up, ’cause this might be my lucky night!

[Troy approaches]

Troy: Eliza!

Eliza: Hey! [Troy and she share friendly kiss] How are you?Troy: How’re ya doin’, girl?

Eliza: Good!

Troy: Good!

Eliza: This is my friend Nicole.

Nicole: [almost mouthing] Hi!

Troy: Look at you, Miss Thang, with your lips all shimmery! Is that MAC lip gloss? [Nicole nods] You-are-precious. Now listen, help yourself. We have fondue, crudités, and Andreas’ famous mintymohitos, so you-better-look-out, okay, guys? [walks away]

Eliza: Thanks.

Nicole: Wow, he is gorgeous. [to camera] Is he single?

[Eliza walks away as men surround Nicole for theme song]

Chorus:
“She likes a guy with washboard abs
And the latest clothes from Milan,
She likes a guy who can cry with a wry sense of humor
Cut her hair at his own salon…
She wants a real pecs-of-steel
Facial peel kind of boyfriend
She’s The Girl With No Gaydar.”

Nicole: I am in HEAVEN!

[men walk away; Nicole approaches Man #2, a man in a rainbow-striped half-shirt]

Nicole: Ooh! I love your shirt. It’s so colorful.

Man #2: Rainbow power, sweetie!

Nicole: Ooh! Hey, where’d you get these moves?

Man #2: [matter-of-factly] I’m a choreographer!

Nicole: Ooh, I like that. [dances with him] Ooh! Uh, correct me if I’m wrong, but I think we’ve got some real chemistry going on here.

Man #2: Girl, you trippin’! [walks away]

Nicole: [strikes a pose] Yeah, baby!

[Eliza dances over to her]

Eliza: You having fun?

Nicole: Oh my god, I might not meet Mr. Right, but I will definitely meet Mr. Right Now.

[Eliza looks puzzled; Nicole dances over to Man #3 and Man #4]

Man #3: [to Man #4] I wanna renovate the whole house, and Eric only wants to do the bedroom.

Man #4: [groans] Well of course Eric wants to do the bedroom. All he cares about is sex, sex, sex.

[Man #3 and Man #4 laugh snootily]

Nicole: Ooh! Hey, where do I meet this Eric?

Man #3: Hello?

[Julius walks up holding small dog]

Julius: Bad news, girls. They’re out of Merlot. I’m gonna have to drink up some Cap Saf for the rest of the night.

Man #4: Quel disaster!

Man #3: I need another Cosmo.

Man #4: Let’s go.

[Man #3 and Man #4 walk away]

Nicole: Hi there. Um, I’m Nicole.

Julius: Hello, gorgeous.

Nicole: [flattered] Oh, hi.

Julius: I love this look you’ve got going. It’s like Sex and the City meets Mama Mia with a teense of “Watch out, Katie Couric!”

Nicole: [giggles] Thanks. Hey, what a cute doggy.

Julius: That’s my baby, Trifle.

Nicole: Oh! Hello!

Julius: And I-am-Julius.

Nicole: [giggles] Well, hello Trifle. And hello Julius.

[Eliza walks up with platter]

Eliza: These Vietnamese dumplings are mouthwatering.

Nicole: [whispers to Eliza] So is Julius.

Julius: [looks at platter] Oh, it looks like you got a hold of Christopher’s dumplings. [almost to himself] Wish I could.

Nicole: Oh, why didn’t you say so? Here. [feeds Julius dumpling]

Nicole: [whispers to Eliza] Not one of those rings on his finger is a wedding ring. [crosses fingers]

Julius: Oh, that cilantro really-[looks away] oh my god! They got the British Wall scones. Walter, you big ol’ queen! I’m always the last to know. [walks away] Toodles.

Nicole: He was cute, but you know that type – always carrying a dog around as a chick magnet. [chuckles] Still, I should’ve gotten his number.

Eliza: Nicole, what are you talking about? These guys are all gay!

Nicole: If these guys are all gay, then what is my dad doing here? [calls over to him] Hi, Dad!

[Nicole’s father, dressed in a leather S&M outfit, dances with another man]

Nicole’s Father: Hi, Pumpkin!

[Eliza walks away; men surround Nicole]

Chorus:
“She wants a real pecs-of-steel
Facial peel kind of boyfriend
She’s The Girl With No Gaydar.”

Nicole: [shoots arms out] Take a number, boys!

Submitted by: Anthony Rupert

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 1

01a: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys

Reese Witherspoon’s Monologue

…..Reese Witherspoon

Reese Witherspoon: Thank you. I’m so happy and honored to be here tonight, and, most of all, I’m happy that you all are here with me. We’ve never done a show under these circumstances, so we’re still finding our way. But I promise you that we’re gonna give it everything we’ve got. So, this is the part of the show where the host usually say something funny, but I don’t know any jokes. I know one joke, but it has a bad word in it.. so I probably shouldn’t tell it, should I?

[ audience eggs her on to tell the joke anyway ]

Okay.. you asked for it. Here it goes:

There’s this polar bear couple, and they have this beautiful polar bear baby. And they’re so happy, they can’t believe it, he’s just the cutest, sweetest polar bear cub. And he learns to run really fast, and he learns to talk early.. and the first question he asks his mother is, “Mom? Am I a real polar bear?” And his mother says, “Yes, you’re a real polar bear. I’m a polar bear, and your daddy’s a polar bear.. so, of course, you’re a polar bear.”

So the baby polar bear is growing stronger every day, and he learns to fish before any of the other baby polar bears, and his parents are just really proud of him. And after a few months, the baby polar bear comes up to his mom and asks, “Mom, are you sure I’m pure polar bear?” And his mother says, “Yes, honey, we’re polar bears. Your grandma and grandpa are polar bears.. you’re pure polar bear.” And he says, “Okay.”

Then, on the baby polar bear’s first birthday, his parents throw him a huge party, and all the polar bears come, because they love him so much, and as the baby polar bear is about to blow out the candles on his cake, he turns to his mother and he asks, “Mom, are you sure I’m 100% pure polar bear?” “Yes, you are 100% pure polar baer. But why do you keep asking me that?” And the baby polar bear says, “Because I’m freezing my balls off!”

So.. that’s my joke! Alicia Keys is here to help us have a good time. So, stick around and see what happens!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 1

01a: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys

Wake Up, Wakefield

Megan…..Maya Rudolph
Sheldon…..Rachel Dratch
Gretchen Doyle…..Reese Witherspoon
Mr. Banglian…..Horatio Sanz
Randy Goldman…..Jimmy Fallon

Megan V/O: From Wakefield Middle School, it’s time for “Wake Up Wakefield”. Fun facts and important announcements for the students of San Jose.

Megan: It’s 7:55, and we are live from the Audio/Visual department here in Room 312. I’m your host Megan and this is my best friend and co-host, Sheldon.

Sheldon: [ nervous ] Hey.

Megan: Well, it’s our first show of the new school year.

Sheldon: As always, we are joined by Jazz Times Ten. Led by the imcomparable Tony Tedusco on tenor sax. [ he demonstrates his musical skills ] Top-notch.

Megan: Yeah. We made some pretty drastic changes to the show this year. We’ve got some special effects. Check this.. [ waves her arms ] whoa! Awesome!

Sheldon: And, we added a window, just like on “The Today Show”.

[ camera pans over to the window, where students are making faces and acting childish ]

Megan: It’s awesome, you guys. Um.. the other main format change in the show, is that I am no longer in love with Randy Goldman.. [ reveals t-shirt with Randy’s face X’d out ] ..so, Randy, if you’re watching.. you don’t have to ignore me any more, because I don’t like you like that. But I do like your new haircut with the long pieces on the side – it’s awesome! Anyway.. our guest is the President of the Spanish Club. Some people say that she’s super stuck-up, but I don’t know, we’ll see.

Sheldon: Please welcome, Gretchen Doyle.

Gretchen Doyle: Hola. Hola coma esta.

Sheldon: Uh.. bien. Thank you. So, I understand there’s a Spanish Club dinner this Friday. Need one be a member to attend?

Gretchen Doyle: No. Todo sambien venudo. But you do have to speak Spanish the whole time. Nos tiennos, tacos y burritos, chips y salsa.

Megan: That’s cool. So you go out with Randy Goldman, huh?

Gretchen Doyle: Si.

Megan: So where’d you guys meet?

Gretchen Doyle: Nos sanchez hooked up a la fiesta de bar mitzvah mi amigo, Beth.

Megan: [ to Sheldon ] What did she say?

Sheldon: Uh.. I take Latin so I only understand the root words.

Megan: That’s cool. Uh, Gretchen, I have a question specifically pertaining to Spanish Club. When you and Randy Goldman kiss.. does it taste like Peach Jolly Ranchers.

Gretchen Doyle: Did you just have me on here to talk about Randy?

Megan: No.. wait.. what?

Sheldon: Uh, okay.. it’s 7:59, time to check in on our viewer window.

[ camera pans over to the window, where one student prepares to moon the camera. Mr. B. covers the glass with his clipboard ]

Mr. Banglian: Watch it! Okay, gang, there you go! Okay, come on! You can flash the moons on your own time! I think it’s pretty cool to, you know, put your thing up on the glass.. but it’s not appropriate for school. Hey kids, I just want to remind you, tomorrow is Juggle For Senior Citizens Day. We’re gonna have about twenty of the school’s best jugglers out by the track, juggling fruit. And.. then when they’re done, we’re gonna give all the bruised fruit to the elderly to eat.. so it’s good and soft. It’s a good cause, hope to see you there. This is Mr. B. saying, “Don’t be a playa hater, be an intramural sports participata!” That’s good, that’s what the kids say! Alright, be good, gang! [ moonwalks out ]

All: Bye, Mr. B..

Megan: So, Gretchen.. in conclusion, what’s it like being unbelievably awesome and perfect?

Gretchen Doyle: Dios mio, I am not perfect. Yo tego problemo, just like anybody else. I mean, my hair’s so naturally blonde, I can only wear pink or purple.

Sheldon: You.. you smell good.

Gretchen Doyle: Oh, thanks. Hey.. are you in my Honors English class.

Sheldon: Uh.. I’m in all your classes.

Gretchen Doyle: Oh.. right.

Randy Goldman: Hey, morning, Gretch.. I brought you some Toaster Strudels.

Gretchen Doyle: Thanks, Randy!

Megan: [ freezing up ] Oh, hey, Randy, I didn’t even see there.. that’s cool.. I was just hosting the show..!

Randy Goldman: Oh, hey, Melanie. how was your summer? [ exits with Gretchen ]

Megan: Oh, my summer was good.. My name’s not Melanie.. Hey, guys, wait up! [ runs over to the window ]

Sheldon: Um.. also.. one final announcement. Um.. lately, there’s been a big problem with certain people pushing certain other people into the second floor girl’s bathroom and holding the door shut, um.. making certain people late for orchestra class.. which happens to be certain people’s favorite class.. so.. let’s just keep that to a minimum. Back to you, Megan.

Megan: I am over here at the viewer window.. where Randy and Gretchen are totally making out..! That’s cool, I don’t even care! But if my heart had a mouth, and it could speak, it would say that I cherish you, Randy Wayne Goldman.. and, though in my life I may take many lovers, you will forever be my brown-eyed SFOC – Super Fox of the Century. [ singing ] “I want to stand with you on the mountains..”

Randy Goldman: I can totally hear you! This is plastic!

Megan: Ohhh.. that’s cool! I was just joshing! I know joshing’s not a word, but.. it’s all good! Well, that’s all the time we have.

Sheldon: Signing off, I’m Sheldon.

Megan: And I am now, and for always, the future Mrs. Randy Goldman. Sheldon, take it home.

[ Sheldon plays “Sunshine of My Love” on cello ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 4

01d: John Goodman / Ja Rule

Little Sleuths

Detective Maroney…..John Goodman
Lieutenant…..Horatio Sanz
Bookie Newton…..Seth Meyers
Sam…..Amy Poehler

Lieutenant: Maroney? you’re not making headway in this case. I think you mightn eed some help on this one.

Detective Maroney: Not now, Lieutenant. I’m too close, I can taste it!

Lieutenant: John, it’s been five months. Now, we’re getting some heat from upstairs. We need to crack this case, pronto!

Detective Maroney: I’m not taking on a new partner. John Maroney works alone.

Lieutenant: It’s too late. Meet your new partner.

[ kid detective Bookie Newton enters ]

Bookie Newton: Hi, there!

Lieutenant: This is Bookie Newton.

Bookie Newton: Detective Bookie Newton!

Lieutenant: [ chuckles ] You’re not a detective yet, kiddo!

Bookie Newton: Well, I am an amateur sleuth.

Detective Maroney: You can’t be more than twelve years old!

Bookie Newton: Ahh.. twelve and seven months. Nice detective work, partner!

Lieutenant: Alright.. I’m gonna let you – and your partner – get to know each other. [ returns to his desk ]

Detective Maroney: Uh.. look, uh.. Bookie, is it? I’ve been a detective for twenty-five years, and this is a pretty gruesome case! Maybe it’s, uh.. a little out of your league.

Bookie Newton: I’ll have you know I’ve seen some pretty heavy stuff in my day. Like The Case of the Missing Shopping Bag.. and The Case of the Rented Canoes. and The Case of the Stinky sneakers!

Detective Maroney: Yeahh.. those sound like some real tough cases to crack.

[ Sam bounces into the office ]

Sam: Hey! I locked up our Slueth Cycles – AKA, our bikes!

Bookie Newton: This is my kid sister, Sam.

Sam: I’m not a kid!

Bookie Newton: Here we go again..

Detective Maroney: Hey, I’ve got a case for you two – how about solving The Case of.. [ tosses pen across the room ] ..The Missing Pen?

Bookie Newton: Don’t underestimate our sleuthing powers of observation.

Sam: [ to Maroney ] I’ve already picked up a few clues about you!

Bookie Newton: Spill the beans, Sis!

Sam: Well.. he’s a detective, his name is John Maroney, and he loves to smoke!

Bookie Newton: But how did you know?

Sam: First, you told me we were gonna meet a detective..

Bookie Newton: Hmm..

Sam: Then, his name plate says “John Marney”..

Bookie Newton: Hmm..

Sam: And he has an ashtray filled with stinker-butts!

Bookie Newton: Hmm..

Together: Case closed! [ laugh ]

Sam: [ looking next to the ashtray ] Ooohh.. candy!

Bookie Newton: No, Sam! Candy makes you hyper, and I’m allergic to peanuts and bees..

Sam: Mmm-hmm..

Bookie Newton: On account of us being partners, I just thought you should know, that in a peanut or bee situation, I will be slightly less reliable. However.. if there are no penauts, and no bees, then you can-

Detective Maroney: [ interrupting ] Alright, fine!! You want to help me solve this case? [ slueths nod ] Here it is! We found a dead prostitute on Route 4.. somebody cut off her hands and feet.. and shoved a deli menu in her mouth!

[ the slueths tremble slightly ]

Bookie Newton: Can we have a.. second, please..?

Sam: Uh.. uh..

[ the sleuths form a huddle, arguing the case and Sam’s desire for candy, then they return to Maroney ]

Sam: First thing we need to do is find out what a prostitute is.

Bookie Newton: That’s where our Latin comes in handy.

Sam: Let’s break it down.. “Pro” means..

Bookie Newton: Professional!

Sam: Mm-hmm! And “stitute” sounds like.. “substitute”.

Bookie Newton: A professional substitute!

Together: Hmm… who would want to kill a professional substitute teacher??

Sam: And why would a professional substitute teacher want to eat a menu!

Bookie Newton: Maybe it’s a clue!

Together: Hmmmm….

Bookie Newton: Let’s start with the menu!

Sam: Well, a menu is made of paper..

Bookie Newton: And paper’s made of trees..

Sam: And trees grow in the forest!

Detective Maroney: [ starting to get it ] Yeah.. yeah.. this is starting to make some sense..

Sam: Yeah, yeah! and forest rangers wear badges!

Bookie Newton: Just like police officers!

Sam: And.. and police officers are heros!

All Together: Which is also the name of a sandwich!!

[ music sting, as Lieutenant chokes up the hero sandwich he’s eating ]

Lieutenant: That whore deserved it! I’ve got a wife and kids! That slut was gonna ruin everything!

Detective Maroney: [ outraged ] You disgust me! [ to police officers ] Take him away, guys! I doubted you little sleuths, but you proved me wrong. I’ll work with youse two’s any time! How can I ever repay you?

Sam: Candy!

Bookie Newton: Cool it, Sam! Well, we’ve gotta go. There’s a question to the validity of a prize-winning fish in the local fishing contest.

Sam: It’s called The Case of the Doubtful Trout.

Bookie Newton: Plus.. I just learned how to masturbate.. so I kinda wanna get home!

Sam: Hey, uh.. Bookie? what’s “masturbate”?

Bookie Newton: Break it down!

Sam: Okay. Well, to “master” means “to be in control”..

Bookie Newton: Mmm-hmm!

Sam: And “bait” is a “little worm”.

Bookie Newton: Mmm-hmm!

Sam: Mmm-hmm!

[ Sleuths make their exit ]

Detective Maroney: [ slaps his cheek ] Oh, those little sleuths!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 4

01d: John Goodman / Ja Rule

CBS Evening Anthrax Update

Dan Rather…..Darrell Hammond

Dan Rather: Good evening. This is the CBS Evening Anthrax Update, Dan Rather reporting. Here are tonight’s new developments.

At this hour, officials of the Center For Disease Control are confirming the presence of anthrax spores at three new locations: my desk here at CBS Nightly News, my basement weight room, and my breakfast nook. Right now, individuals known to have worked at or visited these locations are being tested for anthrax, and at the moment we have any details we’ll pass them along to you.

Hold on. [ presses earpiece ] Alright. This just in. CBS News now comfirming that I.. have.. anthrax. Now, as you can imagine, this comes as a major disappointment to me personally. And, I don’t mind telling you that I’m madder than a rained-on rooster about it. But listen, let’s make one thing clear from the get-go – anthrax or no anthrax, I’m gonna stay right here to bring you any new developments as soon as we get them.

And here’s one now. CBS News is now projecting that over at NBC News, Tim Russert.. has.. anthrax. He may not know it yet, and he may be feeling as strong as an acre of garlic. But, nonetheless, CBS News is confident that when all the test results are in, Tim Russert will have anthrax.

And, here’s another. Over at ABC News, CBS now projects that Ted Koppel and Peter Jennings both have anthrax. Ted Koppel, inflammational; Peter Jennings, geltaneous.

And, over at CNBC, CBS is now projecting that Geraldo Rivera also has anthrax. Both kinds.

Now.. this, next, is something of an upset. Back at NBC, CBS is now projecting that Katie Couric does not.. have.. anthrax. I repeat: does not have anthrax. Now, this will come as a bitter disappointment to many conservatives who had high hopes the perky liberal “Today Show” host would contract the disease, at least in its geltaneous form. But tonight, they’re going home empty-handed, while over at Couric-ville they’re dancing in the streets.

Uh-oh! hold on to your hats, folks. In perhaps the biggest surprise of the night, CBS News now projecting that down at CNN, anchor Wolf Blitzer has both anthrax and rabies. Details are sketchy at this time, but apparently the highly-respected newsman was bitten by a squirrel caught in his attic vent.

So, to sum up where we tand at the moment – Rather, anthrax; Russert, anthrax; Koppel and Jennings, anthrax; Rivera, anthrax; Couric, no anthrax; Blitzer, anthrax, attacked by a squirrel.

This just in, and it is a big one. Carl, get off the phone, Mabel, get into the kitchen ,you’re gonna want to hear this. CBS News is now projecting that Walter Cronkite has scurvy. In addition, the veteran news anchor may – and, I repeat, may – have anthrax. Wait, hold on.. he does have anthrax. Alright, another shocker, right here at CBS. We’re now prjecting that Andy Rooney has cholera. Now, many will ask, how did the popular “60 Minutes” curmudgeon contract this rare disease? One theory – and at this point, it’s just a theory – is that he may have drunk stagnant water from an air conditioner, believing it to be Scotch. Also, he has anthrax.

Alright, get the digitalis. CBS News has now another projection to make, and, believe me, it is a bombshell. Carl, come back into the living room, Mabel, get a pad and pencil ’cause you’re gonna want to write this down. CBS News now projects that over at NBC, the entire cast of “Friends” has head lice. Now, in light of this development, many will be certain to second-guess Jennifer Aniston’s marriage to Brad Pitt, because, at the moment, her new hairdo has more unauthorized guests than a Mexican Motel 6.

Alright, folks. This has been a night of surprises, and here’s one more. Carl, go down to the basement. Mabel, get in here, take your clothes off, and put these shoes on. Also the hat. Now, put one leg up on that chair, arch your back and listen to this, ‘cause it’s a humdinger. [ pause ] CBS News is now projecting that Walter Cronkite has gonorrhea. Now, with anthrax, scurvy, and yellow fever, the last thing he needs is the clap. But he’s got it, and he’s got it good. If I was a betting man, I’d say his chances of survival are slim and none – and slim just left town.

Now, this raises the question: how confident are we here at CBS News that our projections are accurate? Plenty confident. When we make a projection, you can take it to the bank. Our record is quite simply the best in the business, and if we say somebody has anthrax, believe me, he’s got anthrax! This just in: CBS is now confirming that none of the people we have reported tonight as having anthrax actually have anthrax. I repeat: nobody has anthrax. No, wait. I.. still.. have anthrax. But I’m not going anywhere, and you can bet that when more details become available, I’ll be right here to bring them to you.

Dan Rather, CBS News. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 1

01a: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys

The Culps

Stephanie Ludstrom…..Reese Witherspoon
Marty Culp…..Will Ferrell
Bobbi Mohan-Culp…..Ana Gasteyer

[open on Prestige Banquet Hall]

Stephanie Ludstrom: Hey, you guys, can I have your attention? Okay, I’m Stephanie Ludstrom, Audrey’s cousin, and even though I’m a nonlesbian, I really loved Audrey and Lara’s commitment ceremony. Lara, you looked so beautiul in your dress. And Audrey, I have never seen anyone look so pretty in a blazer. I just wanted to say our whole family supports you, except Uncle Pete, who called this a Jane Hathaway convention full of donut bumpers. But we all know what a drunk he is. So here’s to you. And now, here’s some entertainment from Lara’s side of the family.

[Marty and Bobbi Mohan-Culp enter]

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Test, test. [microphone gives off feedback] Test.

Marty Culp: Check, check.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Whoops, we got a real, real hot mic here.

Marty Culp: Very hot mic.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Unusually hot, uncharacteristically hot.

Marty Culp: Getting a lot of reverb.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: A lot of reverb. A lot of fuzz of the woofers as well.

Marty Culp: A lot of fuzz. Can we show you some of the fuzz?

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Can we shave off some fuzz off the woofers?

Marty Culp: Off the woofers? Off the woofers?

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: No? No?

Marty Culp: I guess we’ll make do. Hello. I’m Marty Culp, and I’m here with my life partner, Bobbi Mohan-Culp.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: I hope you weren’t expecting the Indiglow Girls. Well, we are professional musicians.

Marty Culp: Yes. We normally head up the musical department over at Alta Dena Middle School, but today, we’re here as Lara’s very proud aunt and uncle.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: And we sure are fans of her new wife and fellow park ranger, Audrey.

Marty Culp: When the… when the tent’s a-rockin’ don’t come a-knockin’, gals.

[microphone feeds back]

Bobbie Mohan-Culp: Whoops. Got a real hot one here.

Marty Culp: Ohh, real hot – very hot. Can we get a…

Bobbie Mohan-Culp: Even though – even though we’ve never been actual gays ourselves, we’re no strangers to exploration.

Marty Culp: Amen. Heck, everyone gets a little bi-curious at some point in their sexual development.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Case in point, as a young girl, I spent many hours playing “Find the Boobies” with a neighbor friend, Margarite.

Marty Culp: And I have to admit, as recently as last summer, taking an all-male African dance class often left me both confused and engorged.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Tribal movement can be a big turn-on, people.

Marty Culp: Absolutely. To the young man in the sequin dress, I don’t appreciate you referring to my wife as a side of bitch salad.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Anyways, Lara, Audrey, we honor and celebrate your same sex union.

Marty Culp: And because we love you, we’ll never forget you’re here, you’re queer, so let’s get this funk in gear! 1, 2, 3, 4…

[playing Kool and the Gang’s “Ladies’ Night”]

Both: “Oh, yes, it’s ladies’ night
And the feeling’s right
Oh yes, it’s ladies’ night
Oh, what a niiiiight!”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Hit me.

[playing Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliot’s “Get Ur Freak On” as they hum to the tune]

Bobbie-Mohan Culp: “Let’s see you break it down on the underground!”

Marty Culp: “I told your mother…”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “STOP!”

Both: “You can’t stop me now!
Listen to me now!”

Marty Culp: “Get your freak on!”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Now go!”

Marty Culp: “Get your freak on!”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Now go!”

Marty Culp: “Get your freak on!”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Now go!”

Marty Culp: “Get your freak on!”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Is that your chick?”