Category: 2002

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 2

02b: Sarah Michelle Gellar / Faith Hill

Sexual Harassment Seminar

Jessie Dixon…..Sarah Michelle Gellar
Merv The Perv…..Chris Parnell
Maya…..Maya Rudolph
Julie…..Rachel Dratch

[ open on exterior, office building ]

[ dissolve to interior, meeting room ]

Jessie Dixon: Okay, you know what, you guys? We should get started. Now, I know most of you probably don’t want to spend your Thursday night in a Sexual Harrassment seminar. But, because of a few incidents here at Hasslebert & Milton, they’ve required all employees to attend this. And I, personally, think sexual harrassment is a very important issue.

[ suddenly, Merv interrupts the seminars with his tardy entry ]

Merv The Perv: Hey, hey, hey! Sorry I’m late. I was in the bathroom, trying to psyche myself up for this sex seminar! [ chuckles ] and, by the way, ladies.. you have a beautiful bathroom!

Jessie Dixon: Um.. um.. that’s fine. Have a seat.

Merv The Perv: Ooh-la-la! And who might you be, Mademoiselle?

Jessie Dixon: I’m.. Jesse Dixon, I’m running today’s sexual harrassment seminar.

Merv The Perv: Well, harass away! [ laughs ]

Jessie Dixon: Please.. have a seat.

Merv The Perv: Alright. [ grabs a chair and places it backwards next to Maya, he sits down confidently ] Is this seat taken?

Maya: No. How could it be? You just dragged it over here yourself.

Merv The Perv: Whoa-ho, hey! Wildcat! Slow down, I want to keep my options open!

Jessie Dixon: [ sighs ] Okay, folks.. now, this is the kind of behavior that I’m talking about. When you refer to a female co-worker as.. “Hot Pants”.. she may not appreciate that. There are many forms of sexual harassment.

Merv The Perv: [ shakes head ] I didn’t hear a damn word you said, you’re so friggin’ beautiful! What do you say we blow off this crazy seminar, and fly to Atlantic City – my treat. No, wait – Dutch.

Jessie Dixon: I’m sorry, but I have no interest in what we all agree is an inappropriate suggestion!

Merv The Perv: [ tries his move on Maya instead ] What do you say we blow off this crazy seminar, and fly to Atlantic City – Dutch. No, wait – you pay half, and I’ll pay half.

Maya: Eeuggh! and.. no.

Merv The Perv: [ looks about the room ] Anybody want to blow off this crazy seminar, and fly to Atlantic City? Shelley? Julie? Black Girl?

Jessie Dixon: Okay.. okay.. you know what? Wait a minute.. you’re Mervin Watson, aren’t you?

Merv The Perv: That’s right! The Mervin Watson. I see you recognize me. Want me to sign your boob?

Jessie Dixon: No. In fact, it may interest you to know you’re the whole reason we’re having this seminar.

Merv The Perv: Oh-ho! So this party’s for me! Julie, loser the top!

Julie: Hey!

Merv The Perv: Wha-at? We’ll compromise – the bottoms?

Jessie Dixon: Mr. Watson!

Merv The Perv: Please! Call me “Merv The Perv”! Or, at least, “The Perv”?

Jessie Dixon: I will not!

Merv The Perv: Then, just call me? Mmm-hmm! Is this thing working? [ points to his crotch ] I know this thing’s working! Seriously! Julie – can we talk about the top?

Julie: Do you see what he’s like! I have to work here!

Jessie Dixon: Okay.. okay.. this is a place of business!

Merv The Perv: And we’d better get down to business!

Jessie Dixon: People work here!

Merv The Perv: I like the way you work it!

Jessie Dixon: We’re all professionals!

Merv The Perv: What’ll a fifty get me?

Jessie Dixon: [ shakes head ] You don’t get it, do you?

Merv The Perv: Not as often as I’d like!

Jessie Dixon: You’re making me sick.

Merv The Perv: Yeahh.. it’s called Morning Sickness – let’s make it happen! [ turns to Julie ] Julie, status report on the top?

Jessie Dixon: O-okay.. I can see none of this is working.. Let’s try a little role reversal. How would you like it if I came up to you and said, uh.. “Hey, baby.. take off those pants.”

Merv The Perv: I’d be delighted! Let’s get the party started! [ stands ]

Jessie Dixon: [ nervous and afraid ] Okay.. that obviously didn’t work..

Merv The Perv: So, lose the slacks?

Jessie Dixon: No.. don’t.

Merv The Perv: So, take them off?

Jessie Dixon: Please don’t.

Merv The Perv: The green light on losing the slacks?

Jessie Dixon: No! Keep the slacks!

Merv The Perv: Ix-nay on the acks-lay?

Jessie Dixon: Do not take off your pants!

Merv The Perv: So, I’m just gonna go ahead and slip out of these old slacks – you know, freshen up a bit.

Jessie Dixon: Oh, that’s it! Perv The Merv, or Merv The Perv – whatever your name is! I’m gonna recommend you be fired!

Merv The Perv: [ finally giving in ] Okay, okay.. I know I have problems.. I guess that’s just because I’m shy. [ the women in the room aww ] The truth is, I’m lonely. Do you guys want to know what my biggest problem is? [ a beat ] These pants! Oh, dear Lord, get me out of these! [ tugs at his pants, pulling them off with one swipe ]

[ everyone quickly gets up to leave the room ]

Merv The Perv: Come on! Seriously! The sexual harassment seminar’s just getting good!

[ Sarah Michelle Gellar breaks character to address the audience ]

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Hi. I’m Sarah Michelle Gellar.

Merv The Perv: And I’m Merv “The Perv” Watson. And Sarah and I are to say there’s nothing sexy about sexual harassment.

Sarah Michelle Gellar: You know, sexual harassment is a very real problem in today’s workplace.

Merv The Perv: So, I think I speak for all of America, when I say, “Hey, Sarah.. lose the top!”

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Oh, Chris.. [ walks away ]

Merv The Perv: Hey, come on!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 2

02b: Sarah Michelle Gellar / Faith Hill

Sarah Michelle Gellar’s Monologue

…..Sarah Michelle Gellar
Vampire Father…..Chris Kattan
Vampire Mother…..Rachel Dratch
Vampire Daughter…..Amy Poehler
Lawyer In Audience…..Jim Downey

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you guys very, very much. Thank you! It is so great to be back in New York hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I had a great summer, I got married to Freddie Prinze, Jr. I didn’t take his last name professionally – you know, I have three names already, and I didn’t need a fourth with a “Jr.” piled on! Uh.. but I had a great summer. Not only did I make a movie with my husband, but I also took some time off to do something that I always wanted to do. As you probably know, I recorded my own album. [ audience claps ] Thank you! I wrote all the songs myself, and, I gotta say, that recording this album, it was almost as rewarding as ramming a stake through the heart of a vampire! [ strums a chord ] But not quite as much fun as chopping their heads off!

[ Vampire family in the audience stands to exit ]

Vampire Father: Alright. Let’s go.

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Oh.. oh, my God! I had no idea there were vampires in the audience!

Vampire Father: Yeah, that’s right!

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Oh.. oh, goodness.. well, I’m sorry, I-I-I didn’t realize.

Vampire Father: Yeah, well.. we only got in because of the rain, so.. we didn’t know you were hosting. So.. [ turns to his wife ] ..come on, Carol, get your sweater.

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Well, I-I-I didn’t mean to offend anybody!

Vampire Father: Oh, yeah? Well, I’m just getting a little sick of the way vampires are portrayed in the media, okay? It’s a little insulting! [ to his daughter ] Come on, get your bag, let’s go.

Vampire Daughter: But, Daddy, I wanted to bite the Jimmy Fallon!

Vampire Father: I know, baby, okay? We all wanted to bite the Jimmy Fallon, okay? [ points to Gellar ] But this nice lady over here, she wants to take this wooden stake and drive it through your heart! So, I guess bedtime comes a little early tonight, let’s go!

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Wait, wait..

Vampire Mother: Vlad, don’t!

Vampire Father: It’s just, we’re good people, you know! Okay? We’re honest people! I came to this country, because I wanted to make an honest living! That.. and turn people into vampires! But I guess we’ve still got a long way to go!

Vampire Mother: I told you we should have gone to “The Caroline Rhea Show”.

Vampire Father: It tapes in the daytime! [ contains himself ] Sorry, baby, okay.. it’s just this world..

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Listen.. I regret, you know, what I said.. I wish you’d stay..

Vampire Father: Yeah, well, forget it! Thank you.

Lawyer in Audience: [ seated behind family, pokes Vampire Father’s shoulder ] Excuse me?

Vampire Father: Yes?

Lawyer in Audience: I’m an attorney, specializing in slander and defamation. I represent a lot of vampires.. I think you have an excellent case..

Vampire Father: Really?

Lawyer in Audience: Would you please call me-

Vampire Father: [ takes business card ] I will call you! I will call you Monday.

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Wait, wait, wait.. I’m sorry! Look, you guys.. is there anything I can do to make this up to you?

Vampire Father: Yeah! you can. Don’t sing!

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Uh.. okay. [ puts guitar down ] I guess I won’t, then.. but, uh.. uh.. Faith Hill is here, and she can sing! So, stick around, we will be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 2

02b: Sarah Michelle Gellar / Faith Hill

Saddam Hussein Briefing

Saddam Hussein…..Darrell Hammond
Henchman #1…..Jimmy Fallon
Henchman #1…..Jeff Richards
Lookalike #1…..Chris Kattan
Lookalike #2…..Horatio Sanz

[ open on exterior, Imperial Palace ]

[ SUPER: “The Imperial Palace, Baghdad, Iraq” ]

[ dissolve to interior, President George W. Bush speaking on television ]

Voice on Television: Saddam Hussein.. must disarm himself. Or, for the sake of peace, we will need a coalition to disarm him.

[ Saddam Hussein turns the TV off ]

Saddam Hussein: That guy’s got the real red-ass for me.

Henchman #2: You said it, Boss.

Henchman #1: They’re mad because you’re jerking around the guys from the UN!

Saddam Hussein: I’ve been doing that for over four years! Why do they get all mad now?!

Henchman #2: Their American economy is tanking, and there’s an election coming up.

Henchman #1: I wouldn’t be surprised if Bush had sharpshooters in the hill outside the Palace, waiting to shoot you.

Saddam Hussein: You’re right. Get one of my lookalikes in here.

Henchman #1: [ clapping ] Get in here!

[ Lookalike #1 enters ]

Lookalike #1: Yes, sir.

Saddam Hussein: Why don’t you go up on the roof and get some fresh air? And.. check out the hillside, see how many flowers you can count.

Lookalike #1: Okay, yes, Saddam. Thank you.

Saddam Hussein: And don’t walk around too much – stay in one place!

Lookalike #1: Okay.

[ Lookalike #1 exits ]

Saddam Hussein: See? I still don’t get it. I haven’t done anything lately! Why is Bush coming after me?

Henchman #1: Boss, I think that you’re the Joker to his Batman.

Saddam Hussein: I know, but at least Batman waited ’til the Joker committed a crime before he jumped up his ass!

Henchman #1: Yeah, yeah, I know. This Bush guy is serious.

Saddam Hussein: I said I would let the inspectors back in! But this Bush guy, he wants to fight! No other countries want to fight!

Henchman #1: No, that gay guy – Tony Blair – wants to fight you, too.

Saddam Hussein: How many times do I have to tell you – he’s not gay, he’s English!

Henchman #1: It’s a fine line, English and gay. I mean, Mr. Bean – he’s gay, right?

Saddam Hussein: Probably! But that’s not the point!

Henchman #1: Bush says he won’t quit until you’re dead.

Saddam Hussein: I know.. Get another lookalike in here!

Henchman #1: Roush!

[ Lookalike #2, a fattie, enters ]

Saddam Hussein: Good gravy! What are you guys trying to tell me? Is this what I look like to you?

Henchman #1: Look, Boss.. it’s hard to get people to be you these days. I mean, we’ve been through, like, 200 lookalikes already..

Saddam Hussein: What did he do – eat them?! Please!

Henchman #1: Look, Boss, concentrate – this is who we got.

Saddam Hussein: Alright. Okay. Listen, Roush..

Lookalike #2: Yeah, yeah, yeah..

Saddam Hussein: I left.. my green sneakers-

Lookalike #2: [ mumbles incoherently ]

Saddam Hussein: I left my green sneakers.. at the palace.

Lookalike #2: Right!

Saddam Hussein: Why don’t you take my convertible-

Lookalike #2: [ mumbles incoherently ]

Saddam Hussein: And I want you to go get them for me. Okay?

Lookalike #2: [ mumbles incoherently ]

Saddam Hussein: And put the top down. Have fun! Remember, you represent me. So, be proud. Walk tall.

Lookalike #2: O-kay.. take it easy!

[ Lookalike #2 exits ]

Saddam Hussein: [ stern ] No more fat guys!

Henchman #1: I know.

Saddam Hussein: You know, I don’t know what I did to this guy.. I’m telling you, this new George Bush is evil!

Henchman #2: No, Boss! He’s too dumb to be evil. You – you are evil!

Saddam Hussein: [ dumbfouded ] What did you say to me?

Henchman #2: What? I-I didn’t say nothing..!

Saddam Hussein: No, no. You said I’m evil. Evil how? How am I evil?

Henchman #2: [ gasps ] It’s like he said! Uh.. you’re like the Joker..

Henchman #1: Let me handle this one..

Saddam Hussein: The Joker? So, I’m a clown? I’m a clown? I’m here to amuse you?

Henchman #2: [ desperate ] No, no! I’m saying.. you know.. you’re like a.. a diabolical genius!

Saddam Hussein: I’m diobolical?

Henchman #2: [ trying to help ] Uh.. what Aphram meant was-

Saddam Hussein: No, no! He’s a big boy, he can speak for himself Evil, how?

Henchman #2: [ hard-pressed to save himself ] I-I meant it a compliment.. I-I mean you’re.. you’re crazy.. crazy like a fox.. crazy cool..

Saddam Hussein: [ stares for a beat, then adjusts ] Ha, I’m kidding you! I had him, though, huh?

Henchman #1: Like in “Goodfellas”!

[ they all laugh ]

Henchman #1: You scared him good, Boss! You scared him good!

Henchman #1: You know I love you, man!

Saddam Hussein: I know.. Hey, I’m thirsty. Are you thirsty?

Henchman #1: I’m a little thirsty..

Saddam Hussein: Afram.. listen.. Why don’t you put on this moustache, and this hat, and go to the store and buy us a soda?

Henchman #2: [ afraid ] Boss, don’t make me..

Saddam Hussein: No, it’s one of my crazy, diabolical plans! In this plan, you go to the store and buy sodas!

Henchman #2: Boss.. please..

Saddam Hussein: Go! The evil guy is thirsty! [ Afram exits, shakily ] We’re going to stay here and watch the Larry, King. Huh?

Henchman #1: Yeah, right, Saddam! you got him good, Boss!

Saddam Hussein: Thank you very much. I know, but.. if he comes back from the store – kill him.

Henchman #1: You got it!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 2

02b: Sarah Michelle Gellar / Faith Hill

The Be Safe Gang

Devita…..Amy Poehler
Fred…..Fred Armisen
Karen…..Sarah Michelle Gellar
Student 1…..Chris Kattan
Student 2…..Rachel Dratch
Student 3…..Jimmy Fallon
Student 4…..Jeff Richards
Student 5…..Seth Meyers
Teacher…..Chris Parnell

Teacher: And that is why the Indians deserved it. Alright, we have some special visitors here today and I know you are all going to give them your un-divided attention. Please welcome the ‘Be Safe Gang’.

(Devita, Fred and Karen walk into the classroom)

Fred: What’s up you guys? I’m Fred from the Minneapolis police

Karen: I’m Karen from the Minneapolis police.

Devita: And I’m Devita, formally of the Minneapolis police. And we want you…

Karen: To be…

Fred: Safe…

Devita: In…

Karen: And around…

Fred: The places…

Devita: You work…

Karen: And…

Fred: Live. (Fred and Karen walk off)

Devita: Hey dudes. I’m here today to talk to you about the dangers of drugs, okay. Who here likes to take drugs? (the classroom is quiet) Nobody…? Nice try! I am very aware of what you kids are into, okay? I know the stories. I’ve heard about raves who have ODed on monkey vitamins. (she points to Student 1) Sound familiar hot shot?

Student 1: (confused) What?

Devita: Nice try. Alright, show of hands– WHO HERE IS INTO TEA BAGGING? (the students all laugh). Go ahead, laugh, laugh… dead people don’t laugh. So enjoy it. As you know tea bagging is the act of dipping a household sponge into liquid ecstasy and then popping it into your rectum for a night of dancing. (Student 2 raises her hand)

Student 2: Can I go to the nurse?

Devita: Nice try. Alright, you kids need to be aware and prepared incase a stranger approaches you at a disco and says ‘Hey buddy, can you hold my sponge in your butt while I go get a drink?’

Student 1: (confused again) Who would do that?

Devita: How about a million people rookie! Nice try. Protect yourself. One out of every kid dies form being stupid. Take it Karen. (Karen walks in and Devita walks out)

Karen: Yo, what’s up homies? Sex, humping, finger shrimping, toe blasting– fun right? Think again. Lets role-play. (Karen approaches Student 3) Hey, do you wanna touch my breasts?

Student 3: Yeah, sure. (he goes to touch them but Karen grabs his hand)

Karen: BOOM! You just got genital diabetes. You don’t know me. Jesus! Come on people role-play. (Karen walks over to Student 4) Hey, you and me are about to engage in intercourse. You gonna wear a condom?

Student 4: Definitely.

Karen: BOOM! You just got crotch botulism, a.k.a – crotchulism. Condoms scoop up all the bacteria in the room and put it right I your penile canal. DO NOT WEAR THEM! And if you must wear one, you poke a hole in it to let the bacteria ventilate. Officer Fred. (Karen walks to the side with Devita and Fred walks in).

Fred: Good job, way to go. What’s up guys? I’m here today to talk to you about self-defense, keeping safe in your streets and in your school. Now Devita and Karen here are going to be my attackers. (Devita puts on a hat and scarf, and Karen puts on a hat and sunglasses. They stand either side of him). Now what do you do if someone attacks you. What do you do, YOU (points to Student 5)

Student 5: You call the police? (Fred continues to stare at him and Student 5 gets nervous) You run and get help?

Fred: (he stops staring) Wow. I hope you get mugged today my friend. (to the class) If somebody attacks you, use your body you don’t need any weapons. Let me demonstrate. If someone is coming towards you, you can use your fingers to blind the assailant.

(Devita begins to walk towards Fred, and he puts his fingers on the tip of his hat leaving her to act as if she can’t see).

Fred: You can configure the perpetrators way in such a way to get them away from you. Look (He is saying the actions as he does them on Karen) Arm up… arm down… arm up… arm down… head down… shoulder down… head back up… mouth open… mouth closed… turn cheek… push and she’s on her way. (Karen walks back to Fred and Devita after being pushed). You can clap you hands to deafen the assailant. (Devita comes at Fred. He claps his hands)

Devita: (she puts her hands on her ears) AHHHHH!!! (back to normal) It’s all about staying aware and prepared. We did a little experiment on you guys.

Fred: We watched you guys take showers after gym class.

Karen: None of you’s knew we were there.

Student 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah… we knew you’s were there.

Devita: Nice try!

Fred: When is it not appropriate to fight back, when do you not fight back YOU! (to Student 2)

Student 2: (nervously) If somebody has a gun? (Fred continues to stare at her) If– if somebody is holding a gun…?

Fred: (to student 2) Wow, I hope you get assaulted every day for the rest of your life. (to the class) If someone has a gun you fight back. (Karen holds up a gun to Fred) this persons got about a quarter of an inch she can use to pull the trigger. I always carry a pen with me everywhere I go. Pull the gun towards you and put the pen right here (he puts the pen in between the trigger and her fingers), she can’t pull the trigger. If you don’t have a pen, grab one from the assailant. (Karen puts the gun down). When all else fails, use your cell phone. You got a double attack? Pretend like your having a conversation and they’ll leave you alone, watch.

Karen: (she holds the gun towards Fred’s head) Give me your money. I said give me your money. (Fred pretends to talk on the phone) Oh, I’m sorry. (she puts the gun down)

Devita: Hey, hey (Fred still pretending to be on the phone, he points to it) Oh, my bad.

(the school bell rings)

Karen, Devita, Fred: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Devita: Just remember everybody, when you are in a dangerous situation keep your mind in the sky…

Karen: Enjoy your surroundings.

Devita: Take your time.

Fred: And keep your arms constantly moving.

Karen, Devita, Fred: (as kids leave) BE SAFE!

(the teacher approaches them when the students have all left, then fade out)

Submitted by: Roseanne S.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 2

02b: Sarah Michelle Gellar / Faith Hill

Swiffer Sleepers

Mommy…..Amy Poehler

[ young kids are jumping on the sofa, Mommy watching them rom the kitchen counter in background ]

Mommy: Kids, time to put on your jammies.

Little Girl: [ looks up ] What?

Mommy: I mean.. [ takes package out of grocery bag ] ..your Swiffer Sleepers!

Kids: Yay!!

Announcer: Who says sweeping floors can’t be fun?

Mommy: [ opens dustcloth package, which takes the shape of pajamas ] Are you guys ready?

Kids: [ jumping up and down in an excited hyper manner ] Yea-ea-ea-ea!!!

[ show kids being pushed about the floor on the ends of dust sticks ]

Jingle:
“A jumping and a sliding
On the floor you’re riding
Here comes Swiffer Sleepers!”

[ footage of kids crawling across the wood floor collecting dust particles ]

Announcer: Swiffer Sleepers, the crawl-around, roll-around, dust picker-upper.

Mommy: [ looking up at the ceiling as she sweeps ] Emily?

[ show Little Girl on end of dust stick being used to clean the ceiling ]

Little Girl: Yay!!

Jingle:
“A moppin’ and a wheezin’
A cleanin’ and a sneezin’
Here comes Swiffer Sleepers!”

[ kids roll across the floor, collecting mroe dust particles ]

Announcer: This is your ticket to slide!

[ Mommy picks a dust particle out of Little Girl’s hair, as Little Boy laughs ]

Announcer: Swiffer Sleepers, makes cleaning floors a family affair.

Jingle: Here comes Swiffer Sleepers!”

Female Announcer: Not recommended for children with allergies.

SNL Transcripts