Catherine Zeta-jones: Thanks to our guests – Franz Ferdinand! Everybody! [ audience cheers ] And I’d just like to say a great “Thank You!” to the cast and crew of “SNL” – I’ve had a ball! Especially to you guys watching. They’ll see you next week – I’m going for a drink! Good night!
[open on title screen: “NewsNight with Aaron Brown,” with music]
[dissolve to Aaron Brown at news desk]
Aaron Brown: [title: “CNN: Aaron Brown”] Welcome back to “NewsNight.” I am Aaron Brown, and–How can I put this?–I am better than you. Before the break, we were talking about recent US airstrikes on insurgents in Afghanistan. Just when we think we’re out, they pull us back in. That’s from “The Godfather, Part III,” not Coppola’s best, but I digress. Our correspondent, Suzanne Carbonal, is live in Pashwan, Afghanistan. And, Suzanne, what is the situation there?
[dissolve to Suzanne Carbonal with city of Pashwan and mountains visible behind her]
Suzanne Carbonal: [title: “CNN: Suzanne Carbonal”] Aaron, my crew and I arrived today to find out accomodations destroyed, the city crippled by power outages and a shortage of running water. While the US military claims no civilians were hurt in these airstrikes, clearly it is the civilians who are suffering now. Suzanne Carbonal, CNN News.
Aaron Brown: Thank you, Suzanne. More on that in the coming days.
[dissolve to main title screen, then title screen with graphic: “The Pashwan Standoff: Day 3”]
Aaron Brown: Good evening. We start tonight’s program with Suzanne Carbonal, live in Pashwan. Suzanne?
[Suzanne’s hair is slightly matted and unkempt, and her eyebrows are strangely bushy and crooked]
Suzanne Carbonal: Aaron, this is our third day of sleeping in our truck, and trying to cover the mountain of chaos here in Pashwan.
Aaron Brown: So you’ve gone just three days without the comforts of home?
Suzanne Carbonal: Yes, Aaron.
Aaron Brown: Wow.
Suzanne Carbonal: A small roadside bomb exploded this morning, before dawn.
Aaron Brown: Was anyone hurt, Suzanne? Was your makeup person injured at all?
Suzanne Carbonal: Well, I don’t have a makeup person with me, Aaron. But the cameramen were pretty shaken up with what they were seeing.
Aaron Brown: I should think so.
Suzanne Carbonal: I actually overheard one saying to the other, “Good lord, she looks rough.” And I can only assume he was talking about the beautiful old mosque in the town center, that was now destroyed.
Aaron Brown: Well, be well, Suzanne. We’ll all be praying for you to get some sleep.
[dissolve to main title screen, then title screen with graphic: “The Pashwan Standoff: Day 6”]
Aaron Brown: Breaking news out of Pashwan. We go to our own Suzanne Carbonal.
[Suzanne’s hair is more matted and unkempt, and her eyebrows are bushier]
Suzanne Carbonal: Yes, Aaron, we’re now six days of the ordeal here in Pashwan, and conditions grow more dire each day.
Aaron Brown: Suzanne, are any supplies getting in? Food? Water? Soap? Tweezers?
Suzanne Carbonal: No, Aaron. Although, this morning, an angry mob pelted me with hair brushes and tubes of lipstick.
Aaron Brown: A violent, put perhaps well intended gesture.
[dissolve to main title screen, then title screen with graphic: “The Pashwan Standoff: Day 10”]
Aaron Brown: Day 10 of the Pashwan standoff. Suzanne, were you in a fight or something?
[Suzanne’s hair is as on Day 6, but bushy, crooked eyebrow stretches across her entire forehead and she is now wearing glasses and has several front teeth prominently missing]
Suzanne Carbonal: No, Aaron. Actually, my contact lenses became infected, and I seem to have lost one of my porcelain veneers.
Aaron Brown: It’s more than one.
Suzanne Carbonal: Well it pales, Aaron, in comparison to what the people of Pashwan have lost.
Aaron Brown: And how is the crew holding up?
Suzanne Carbonal: Oh, they’re nervous, Aaron. Yes. A few have suggested, for my own safety, I put on a burqa. You know, the traditional full head covering. [gestures downwards across her face]
Aaron Brown: Perhaps for our viewers’ safety as well.
Suzanne Carbonal: What do you mean, Aaron?
Aaron Brown: Nothing. We’ll be right back.
[dissolve to main title screen, then title screen with graphic: “The Pashwan Standoff: Day 14”]
Aaron Brown: Before we go to the Pashwan story, we have breaking news about Hurricane Wilma. We go now to Fort Lauderdale–or, Fort Myers, Florida, with our own…really? Suzanne Carbonal.
[initially facing away from the camera, Suzanne turns to face forward, with severe hurricane conditions visible behind her; she appears as on Day 14, but now with huge, extremely frizzy hair]
Suzanne Carbonal: Yes, Aaron, we had heavy rain last night.
Aaron Brown: It would seem so.
Suzanne Carbonal: Well, I flew directly from Afghanistan, and I can honestly say things here are even worse.
Aaron Brown: Suzanne Carbonal, looking more and more like Cha-Ka from “Land of the Lost.” Coming up next on “News Night,” what to expect at your colonoscopy appointment, as reported by our own…oh, come on. Suzanne Carbonal.
Brit Hume…..Darrell Hammond President George W. Bush…..Will Forte Richards…..Fred Armisen Captain William Kelly…..Jason Sudeikis Connelly…..Rachel Dratch Captain Jeff Walker…..Finesse Mitchell Fake Captain Jeff Walker…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on Fox News music and logo ]
[ logo: “Fair & Balanced” ]
[ logo: “Special Report w/ Brit Hume” ]
[ dissolve to Brit Hume in the studio ]
Brit Hume: Welcome to Washington, I’m Brit Hume. Last week —
[ audience aplauds wildly ]
[ tag: “Fox New Live: Bush To Hold Q&A With Troops” ]
Brit Hume: Last week, partisan critics attacked President Bush for having a frank question-and-answer session with American troops. They called it “staged.” But, just because soldiers were given questions and answers ahead of time, does that make it staged? In this humble reporter’s opinion: absolutely not! However, just to prove those critics wrong, President Bush has answered the call with his usual sound judgment and steely resolve. He’s arranged another discussion, which will be entirely unscripted and spontaneous. We now join the President, live.
[ dissolve to side view of President George W. bush standing at podium and facing a satellite broadcast of half-a-dozen or more American troops sitting together ]
President George W. Bush: Hello, troops. You know, first of all, I want to thank you for your amazing work, and assure you the American public is coming around on the war in Iraq. It’s like NBC’s “My Name is Earl.” You know, it’s not a runaway hit, but people are getting behind it.
Richards: Well, I think the people of Iraq are getting behind you, Mr. President.
President George W. Bush: Well — [ chuckles ] they haven’t seen my golf game!
[ the troops chuckle politely ]
Richards: That’s a good one, Mr. President.
President George W. Bush: Well, you know, thank you very much. You know? Yea — uhh — okay. Now, okay, if it’s okay, I’d like to ask you troops a few “informal” questions. And I want you to answer honestly. You know, just whatever comes to mind. Okay, here’s my first “spontaneous” question. Okay. [ makes a quick glance at a blue note card ] “I hear things are going really, really well in Iraq. Is that true?”
Richards: Well, I’m gonna field that question to Captain William Kelly.
Captain William Kelly: [ obviously reading from an off-camera cue card ] “Hello. Wow! I’m thrilled to speak to you. Smile At Camera. It’s moments like these, that I just have to speak from the heart. Point To Chest. Everything in Iraq is going as expected. Well, that’s great to hear, Captain.”
President George W. Bush: [ chuckling nervously ] “Well! That’s.. great to hear, Captain! I’m glad the, uh, mission is a complete success.”
Captain William Kelly: [ fellow soldier Connelly moves her lips as she reads behind Kelly ] “And another success is your nomination of Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court. She is a woman of principle and deep conviction, and we all know her heart and her character.”
President George W. Bush: “Well! Thank you. You know, I agree. I agree.” My second completely “spontaneous” question, is about, uh — [ glances at second blue note card ] the Iraqi “electricians”. Were the “electricians” incredibly successful by all acounts?
Connelly: “Yes, Mr. President. The ‘e-lec-tions’ went very smoothly. The Iraqi people are so full of freedom, they could burst. Sometimes, an Iraqi will be so full of democracy, they’ll walk into a crowded area and explode. With democracy!”
President George W. Bush: [ chuckling ] I heard about that! That’s, uh – that’s a good sign. Alright, let’s see, uh – I have another “spontaneous” question. Uh — [ glances at another blue note card ] “My Name is Earl” – did that. [ flips through note cards ] “Golf joke” – huge laugh. [ flips through note cards ] Oh, here we go. Okay. Here’s a tough one. Here’s a tough one. “Are you excited about staying in Iraq: A. Because you’re really learning a lot of useful skills, or B. Because you love spreading freedom?”
Richards: Well, I’ll field that question to Captain Jeff Walker.
Captain Jeff Walker: [ reading from cue cards ] “Wow. That is a tough one. I would have to say: both A and B. Ever since September 11th, we felt the call to duty –” [ stops, shakes his head ] Man, y’all not even paying me enough to lie like this! These people don’t want us here –!
[ the image cuts off, as snow fills the screen. Cut back immediately to reveal a second black soldier being pushed into the now-absent Captain Jeff Walker’s seat. ]
Fake Captain Jeff Walker: [ fumbling to grip on the microphone ] Um – uh – hey! This is, uh – this is still me! It’s still Captain Jeff Walker. Uh – I don’t know what got into me. I-i-I-I was trying to explain how much I appreciate this fantastic opportunity.
President George W. Bush: [ chuckling] Please, Captain Walker, you know, it’s the least I could do. You know? And thank you all for joining me in this “frank, open conversation.” We both did a great job being “spontaneous” to each other. Thank you. And good night.
[ dissolve back to Brit Hume ]
[ tag: “Fox News Live: Bush Wows America” ]
Brit Hume: There you have it. Challenging questions from a president so skilled at overcoming challenges! We at Fox News pride ourselves on Fair & Balanced coverage! It should be objectively clear that our president has once again demonstrated grace, intelligence, and courage under fire! The precise qualities that make him one of our finest presidents.
[ tag: “Fox News Live: Bush Better Than Lincoln” ]
And, if I could editorialize for just one moment, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”
Señora Anne Van Patten…..Amy Poehler Frau Roz Wells…..Rachel Dratch Madame Hillary Decroix…..Catherine Zeta-Jones Dennis…..Finesse Mitchell Boy…..Andy Samberg Michael…..Kenan Thompson Mr. Matthew Nelson…..Seth Meyers Stan Wells…..Horatio Sanz
[open on exterior of school with chiseled stone sigh: “Creighton Boys School”]
[dissolve to interior of teachers’ louge, with Frau Wells seated and eating a sandwich, Signora Van Patten enters]
Señora Van Patten: Ugh.
Frau Wells: How’s your day going, Señora Van Patten?
Señora Van Patten: Not too hot, Frau Wells. I’m down to two students in my noon Spanish class. Two!
Frau Wells: My morning German class got canceled.
Señora Van Patten: This is ridiculous. How can one new teacher make all our boys love French so much?
Madame Decroix: [entering, calling out into hallway] Merci, Jean-Claude! Asseyez! Asseyez-bon mon cherie-la! [closes door] Bonjour. Bonjour. Bonjour, Señora Van Patten, Frau Wells. Ça va?
Señora Van Patten: We, uh, we don’t speak French, so we don’t understand what you’re saying.
Madame Decroix: Oh, quelle dommage! I am so sorry. You know, when I’m speaking French all day in class, you forget you’re speaking a foreign language.
Frau Wells: No, I don’t have that problem.
Señora Van Patten: Yeah, neither do I and neither did Nancy. You know Nancy, the last French teacher?
Madame Decroix: Oh, yes, I’m so sorry when you lose a colleague. What was she like, Nancy?
Señora Van Patten: Just, you know, so wonderfully plain. A simple, no-frills lady. Overweight, but she didn’t care about that. You know, you knew what you were getting with Nancy.
Madame Decroix: And what happened to her?
Señora Van Patten: She got drunk and slapped a student.
Madame Decroix: Ah! Fire Marshall Denis! Ça va? Ah, mon cherie-la! [kisses him on each cheek]
Dennis: Oh, wait, okay, I can do this. Ça va bien.
Madame Decroix: Ah! [applauds] Bravo, Fire Marshall Denis!
Dennis: [applauds as well, then composes himself] Okay, now look. I’ve done everything I could, but you can’t have more than sixty kids in those rooms.
Madame Decroix: Oh, quelle dommage. Mais, merçi pour essayer, eh? Merçi beaucoup.
Dennis: Oh, no problem.
Señora Van Patten: You understood that?
Dennis: Didn’t need to. [to Madame Decroix] Au revoir. [waves]
Madame Decroix: Au revoir. [waves, Dennis exits] What a nice man. And what nice boys in this school. I’ve never met students so eager to learn a language.
Frau Wells: Really? Hunh.
[boys enter, calling Madame Decroix’s name]
Madame Decroix: Oh, calmez-vous, mes enfants! Calmez-vous, calmez-vous!
Boy: We have a question.
Madame Decroix: Oui?
Boy: How do you say “lunch?”
Madame Decroix: Déjuner.
Michael: And “breakfast?”
Madame Decroix: Petit déjuner.
Boy: See, dude, I told you.
Señora Van Patten: Hi, guys. Good to see you again.
Boy: [mumbling] Oh, hey.
Michael: [mumbling] Oh, hey, Ms. Van Patten.
Señora Van Patten: En español, por favor.
Michael: In Spanish? Holo?
Señora Van Patten: No, hola! [disappointed] I had you for three years, Miguel.
Michael: My name is Michel now, s’il vous plaît!
Señora Van Patten: Okay, it’s time for you guys to leave. You can’t be in the teachers’ lounge. [walks to door and opens it] Goodbye.
Both Boys: [exiting] Viva la France!
Madame Decroix: Such enthusiasm for languages, huh?
Señora Van Patten: [flatly] Yeah.
Mr. Nelson: [entering, carrying books] Ah, bonjour, Hilarie!
Madame Decroix: Ah, bonjour, Matthieu! [they kiss on both cheeks] Ça va, mon cherie-la?
Mr. Nelson: Yeah, Ça va bien. [to Señora Van Patten] Hey.
Frau Wells: Hi, Mr. Nelson.
Señora Van Patten: Ugh.
Mr. Nelson: Anyway, voulez-vous aller á le cinéma ce soir?
Frau Wells: Hey, how long have you spoken French, Matthew? I thought you only knew Latin.
Mr. Nelson: No, I’ve known French for a long time.
Señora Van Patten: Really? Long time, yeah? What’s this? [grabs French textbook from under his arm] Wow. Known it a long time?
Mr. Nelson: Well, long enough, Señorita.
Señora Van Patten: It’s Señora.
Mr. Nelson: Oh! I thought when you get divorced, it changes back.
Señora Van Patten: Are you already sleeping with her?
Mr. Nelson: As they say in Latin, veni vidi vici.
Señora Van Patten: Keep laughing, buddy. Soon, you’re not going to have any students, either.
Mr. Nelson: Well, you’d totally be right, if Latin wasn’t a required class. There isn’t really an appropriate Latin phrase for this, so let me leave you ladies with [slams fist in the air] BOOYAH! [backs towards door with his arms spread and exits]
Madame Decroix: [returns] Oh, Matthieu left?
Señora Van Patten: Yeah, he did. And I should warn you about that guy. He has a bit of a reputation.
Madame Decroix: Oh, don’t worry. No, the French and France has made me open to things. He’s told me all about his ex-lovers.
Señora Van Patten: Oh, you know, your lack of hang-ups is just so refreshing.
Frau Wells: Be careful, Anne.
Señora Van Patten: No, Roz! I can’t hold it in anymore! Hey, Hillary?
Madame Decroix: Hilarie. The “H” is silent.
Señora Van Patten: Okay, the “H” is silent? In that case, ‘Ilary, your perfume makes you smell like a ‘oooker!
[Mr. Wells enters]
Stan Wells: Um, hello, ladies. Could you help me? Where would one drop off a lunch for my son? He raced out this morning; he plum forgot it.
Madame Decroix: Who’s your son?
Stan Wells: Bobby Wells.
Madame Decroix: Oh! Bobby Wells! Oh, my prize pupil. [runs the back of her hand over his cheek] I can see where he gets his good looks.
Stan Wells: Oh. [chuckles] You must be Madame Decroix. Oh, he never stops talking about you. And let me tell you something, the picture on his cell phone does not do you justice.
Madame Decroix: Mr. Wells, why don’t you try the cafeteria?
Stan Wells: [chuckles in a low growl] Thank you. [turns to Frau Wells] What time you getting home, honey?
Frau Wells: 4 o’clock, Stan. Same as every day.
Stan Wells: All right. [turns disinterestedly and exits]
Madame Decroix: Ah, back to the grind, my friends. I shall see you soon. [bends over to pick up some books] Les livres.
Señora Van Patten: Uh-huh.
Madame Decroix: Merci beaucoup! Á toute suite! [exits]
Señora Van Patten: Where’s the closest bar, Roz?
Frau Wells: I have Scotch in my desk.
Señora Van Patten: [grabs sombrero from table] Let’s hit it.