Category: 2005

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 2

05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Hubbard Systems

Gary…..Seth Meyers
Irene…..Amy Poehler
Peter…..Jason Sudeikis
Patty…..Rachel Dratch
Philip…..Fred Armisen
Kevin…..Jon Heder

[ open on Hubbard Systems corporate retreat. Gary stands with his back turned as he explains a presentation labeled “Teamwork.” ]

Gary: If we learned anything during our three-day retreat, it’s that the key to the future of Hubbard Systems is teamwork.

[ Gary turns to face his staff, revealing that his eyebrows are shaved and angry lines are drawn in their place ]

Gary: So – about last night’s party. Um..first of all, I want to say I’m not angry.

Irene: You look angry.

Gary: Well, that’s because someone shaved my eyebrows and drew in angry cartoon eyebrows. And I think you knew that. Now, I will be the first to admit that the “Hubbard Goes Hawaiian” party got out of hand. And that the punch was way too strong, and I think a lot of us, myself included, were over-served. Even more unacceptable, however, were the pranks done to those of us who passed out. And, again, I’m not angry.

Irene: Yeah? You look angry!

Gary: Okay! That is enough, Irene. [ a beat ] Anyway, one of the themes of this whole retreat has been communication. Okay? So, let’s try to work through this Hubbard Systems-style, alright? So, I’m going to ask Peter to come up here and calmly.. air his grievances. So, Peter? Alright?

[ Gary steps aside, as Peter approaches the podium. Peter’s head is shaved down the middle. ]

Peter: Hey, everybody. Alright, look — so, I don’t know If you I.T. freaks know this, but I’m one of your Sales people, alright? So, basically, by doing this, you screwed yourselves. Alright? Because, here’s the thing: I can’t sell your nerd junk when my head looks like a butt crack! Alright?!

[ Gary returns to the podium ]

Gary: Okay, you know what? I don’t think Peter actually thinks we sell “nerd junk”.

Peter: Hey, Gary! Alright, look, this just proves that just because some Tech geek can put together a computer doesn’t mean he’s not an idiot!

Gary: Hey, hey! We don’t know it’s the Tech guys, Peter.

Peter: Aw, come on, Gary, man! You KNOW it’s the Tech guys! You KNOW it! [ points at the Tech guys ] Look, I know you dudes hate me, alright? You hate me for my car and my sweet-looking wife! [ frowns at the crowd ] Hey, wipe that grin of your face, Sanji, wipe it off!

Gary: Okay!

Peter: Get rid of it!

Gary: It’s okay. It’s okay, Sanji. Let’s just try to stay calm.

Peter: Yeah, YOU stay calm, Gary! Alright?! I was supposed to play GOLF tomorrow! [ storms off ] Get outta my way!

Gary: Look, I know that Peter is the office yank stick. We all know that. I’m not going to stand here and tell you he’s not. But a lot of good people suffered last night, too. Patty, can you come up here?

[ Patty steps up to the podium, sporting a crudely-drawn handlebar moustache ]

Gary: Patty has been a secretary at Hubbard Systems 23 years. She was the second person hired by Wilson Hubbard himself. Can anyone tell me any reason why someone would do this to Patty? [ every hand is raised ] Oh, wow, okay. I did not expect that many hands. Let’s start with you, Irene.

Irene: Yeah, ihe knows every thing about everyone in the office, and, when she drinks, she blabs it.

Patty: Raise your hand if you haven’t slept with Irene.

Gary: Okay, okay.

Philip: She also conjectures loudly as to who in the office is or isn’t gay.

Irene: Everyone knows, Philip!

Philip: [ stunned, feyly places his hand over his heart ] I am married.

Patty: I’ll haunt you all from my grave.

[ Patty steps away from the podium ]

Gary: That got ugly. I feel like we haven’t learned anything at this retreat. Kevin has something to say.

[ Kevin steps up to the podium. Body hair is superglued to his face and hands. ]

Kevin: Hello. For those of you that don’t know me, I’m Kevin Hubbard. And my Dad owns Hubbard Systems.

Irene: [ sarcastically ] Everyone knows, Kevin.

Kevin: Irene, shut up!

Gary: Okay, Kevin, let’s use this time to build a bridge. Like we’ve been talking about. Build a bridge.

Kevin: Anyway – if it were up to me, I would fire all of you and then throw stuff at you while Security dragged you away, and then your kids would go hungry.

Gary: Okay, not a bridge. Um.. I think the important thing is that no matter what Kevin has done in the past, no one deserves to have this happen to them when they pass out.

Kevin: I didn’t pass out. I was awake. Someone held me down and shaved all my body hair and superglued it to my face and my palms.

Gary: So, you know who did this to you?

Kevin: Yeah.

Gary: Who?

Kevin: Well.. she told me if I say anything, she’d do it again.

[ Irene double-points her fingers between her eyes and Kevin’s direction ]

Gary: Alright, well.. I guess we’ll break for lunch. [ notices Irene’s hand gestures ] This kind of gives you away, so you don’t want to do that. When we come back, someone’s going to have to explain how my car got in the swimming pool. So, start thinking about that, everybody.

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 2

05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Jon Heder’s Monologue

…..Jon Heder
Audience Member…..Liz Cackowski
Leopold Samsonite…..Jason Sudeikis
Jose…..Fred Armisen
Kip…..Will Forte

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Jon Heder!

[ the audience cheers and screams enthusiastically ]

Jon Heder: Thank you! Thank you very much! [ the audience continues to cheer; Jon checks his watch ] Come on! Alright, uh.. now, most of you probably know me from a movie called “Napoleon Dynamite.” [ the audience cheers their recognition ] Yeah, it’s a movie that a bunch of college friends and me made, for very little money, and, uh.. went on to Sundance and took off, and now I’m here hosting “Saturday Night Live.”

[ audience cheers and screams; one joker yells: “Vote For Pedro!” ]

Jon Heder: [ looks into the audience ] Uh.. yes? you have a question?

Audience Member: Um.. was the character Napoleon Dynamite based on a real person?

Jon Heder: Uh, no. He was not. He was based on a number of people I knew in college, and some family members of mine.

Voice: Jon?

Jon Heder: Yes. You.

[ a man dressed similar to Napoleon Dynamite stands up in the audience ]

Leopold Samsonite: Are you sure that the character Napoleon Dynamite wasn’t based on anybody?

Jon Heder: Hey! Hey, it’s my old college buddy, Leopold Samsonite. What are you doing here?

Leopold Samsonite: That’s a stupid question. I’m watching the show. Gosh!

Jon Heder: I haven’t seen you in a couple of years.

Leopold Samsonite: Yeah, since college. Hey, Jon, I finally saw that movie you were in.

Jon Heder: You mean, “Just Like Heaven”, with Reese witherspoon.

Jon Heder: No! No one saw that. Idiot! Back to my question: Was that movie “Napoleon Dynamite” about me?

Jon Heder: No, of course not.

Leopold Samsonite: Yeah, I didn’t think so, but a lot of people think it is.

Jon Heder: Like who?

Leopold Samsonite: Like Jose. Tell him yourself, Jose.

[ Jose, who bears a striking resemblance to Pedro, stands to Leopold’s left. He wears a shirt that reads “Vote For Jose.” ]

Jon Heder: Oh, hey, Jose! How have you been?

Jose: I’m okay. I like your bangs.

Jon Heder: Thanks. Uh, Jose, just so you know, all the characters in “Napoleon Dynamite” are fictional.

Leopold Samsonite: See, Jose? I told you that flippin’ character wasn’t based on me!

[ suddenly, a Kip lookalike stands to Leopold’s right ]

Kip: I don’t know. It really seems like it.

Leopold Samsonite: Shut up, idiot! Why are you even here?

Kip: Because Jose is right. Just leave me alone, I’m texting a girl. [ averts his attention to a handheld electronic device ]

Jon Heder: Hey, Leopold, honest. The character Napoleon isn’t based on you in any way.

Leopold Samsonite: Yeah, I didn’t think so. Because you don’t have these sweet moves.

[ Leopold makes his way next to Jon at Home Base, and, with hands in pockets, shows off his dance skills, including wild, flurried disco moves. Accepting the challenge, Jon shows off a few sweet moves of his own, until, finally, they dance in tandem. ]

Jon Heder: [ as Jose and Kip join them on stage ] Alright, we’ve got a great show tonight! Ashlee Simpson is here. so stick around, we’ll be right back.

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 2


Song appears
on the album:

I Am Me

05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Ashlee Simpson performs “Catch Me When I Fall”

…..Jon Heder
…..Ashlee Simpson

Jon Heder: Ladies and gentlemen – Ashlee Simpson!

Ashlee Simpson: I wrote this song after my last “Saturday Night Live” experience.

“Is anybody out there
Does anybody see
That when the lights are off something´s killing me
I know it seems like people care
‘Cause they´re always around me
But when the day is done and everybody runs.

Who will be the one to save me from myself
Who will be the one who´s there
And not ashamed to see me crawl
Who´s gonna catch me when I fall.

When the show is over
And it´s empty everywhere
It´s so hard to face going back alone
So I walk around the city
Anything, anything to clear my head
I´ve got nowhere to go nowhere but home.

Who will be the one who´s there
And not ashamed to see me crawl
Who´s gonna catch me when I fall.

It may seem I have everything
But everything means nothing
When the ride that you´ve been on
That you´re coming off
Leaves you feeling lost.

Is anybody out there
Does anybody see
That sometimes loneliness is just a part of me.

Who will be the one to save me from myself
Who will be the one who´s there
And not ashamed to see me crawl
Who´s gonna catch me when I fall
Who´s gonna catch me when I fall.

Who will be the one who´s there
And not ashamed to see me crawl
Who´s gonna catch me when I fall.”

Ashlee Simpson: Thank you!

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 2


Song appears
on the album:

I Am Me

05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Ashlee Simpson performs “Boyfriend”

…..Jon Heder
…..Ashlee Simpson

Jon Heder: Once again – Ashlee Simpson.

Ashlee Simpson:
“Whatcha been doin’?
Whatcha been doin?
Whoa, Whoa,
Haven’t seen ya ’round.

How you been feelin’?
How you been feelin’?
Whoa, whoa,
Don’t you bring me down.

All that stuff about me,
Being with him,
Can’t believe,
All the lies that you told,
Just to ease your own soul,
But I’m bigger than that,
No, you don’t have my back,
No, No, ha!

Hey, how long till my music drowns you out?
Don’t put words up in my mouth,
I didn’t steal your boyfriend,
Hey, how long till you face what’s goin’ on,
Cause you really got it wrong,
I didn’t steal your boyfriend.

Well I’m sorry,
That he called me, ha!
And that I answered the telephone,
Don’t be worried,
I’m not with him,
And when I go out tonight,
I’m going home alone,
Just got back from my tour,
I’m a mess girl for sure,
All I want is some fun,
Guess that I’d better run,
Hollywood sucks you in,
But it won’t spit me out,
Whoa Whoa!

Hey, how long till my music drowns you out?
Don’t put words up in my mouth,
I didn’t steal your boyfriend,
Hey, how long till you face what’s going on?
Cause you really got it wrong,
I didn’t steal your boyfriend,
Hey, how long till you look at your own life,
Instead of looking into mine,
I didn’t steal your boyfriend,
Hey, how long till you’re leaving me alone,
Don’t you got somewhere to go?
I didn’t steal your boyfriend.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, ha!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Please stop telling all your friends,
I’m getting sick of them,
Always staring at me like I took him from ya’.

Hey, how long till my music drowns you out?
Don’t put words up in my mouth,
I didn’t steal your boyfriend,
Hey, how long till you face what’s going on?
Cause you really got it wrong,
I didn’t steal your boyfriend,
Hey, how long till you look at your own life,
Instead of looking into mine,
I didn’t steal your boyfriend,
Hey, how long till you’re leaving me alone,
Don’t you got somewhere to go?
I didn’t steal your boyfriend.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, ha!
Whoa, I didn’t steal your boyfriend,
Whoa, whoa, whoa, ha!
Whoa, I didn’t steal your boyfriend.”

Ashlee Simpson: Thank you guys so much!

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 2

05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Taco Town

…..Bill Hader
…..Jason Sudeikis
…..Andy Samberg

[ open on Bill, Jason and Andy eating tacos at Taco Town ]

Bill: You know what I love about tacos?

Jason: What’s that?

Bill: Everything.

[ they all share their joy with laughter, as Andy mimes milking Bill’s taco]

Jason: Can tacos get any more kick-butt than this?

Announcer: [ chuckles ] Oh, ho ho, they’re about to, all right! New, at Taco Town:

[ the ingredients are continuously filled onto the taco throughout the Announcer’s pitch ]

We take a crunchy, all-beef taco, smother it in nacho cheese, lettuce, tomato and our special southwestern sauce. Then we wrap it in a soft, flour tortilla with a layer of refried beans in-between.

Jason: Sweet!

Announcer: Then we wrap that in a savory corn tortilla with a middle layer of Monterey Jack cheese.

Andy: Awesome!

Announcer: And it gets even awesomer, when we take a deep-fried gordita shell, smear on a little of our special “guacamolito” sauce and wrap that around the outside.

Bill: [ trying to hold this mighty taco ] This is pretty big..

Announcer: But it gets even bigger! Because we bake it in a corn husk filled with pico de gallo, then then wrap that in an authentic Parisian crepe, filled with egg, gruyere, merguez sausage and Portobello mushroom.

Jason: [ getting restless ] Can I eat in now?

Announcer: Sure. But not before we take the whole thing and wrap that in a Chicago style deep dish meat lovers pizza!

Andy: Pizza? Now that’s what I call a taco!

Announcer: Well, it’s not a Taco Town taco until we roll it up in a blueberry pancake, dip it in batter and deep-fry it until it’s golden brown. Then we serve it in all commemorative tote bag filled with spicy vegetarian chili. It’s 15 great tastes all rolled into one.

[ a huge, oversized taco is dropped into a large tote bag, as a cascade of spicy vegetarian chili is poured over it ]

All: Taco Town!

Announcer: The new pizza crepe taco pancake chili bag. Only at Taco Town.

Jason: Taco Town!

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Matthew Brenner

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 2

]]>

05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Horatio Sanz
…..Amy Poehler
Tim Calhoun…..Will Forte
…..Lorne Michaels

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “WeekendUpdate,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Horatio Sanz: Filling in for Tina Fey, I’m Horacio Sanz.

Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Here are tonight’s top stories:

[ picture of Harriet Miers ] On Monday, President Bush nominated your mom to the Supreme Court.

While trying to defend his nomination of Harriet Miers, President Bushadmitted Tuesday he and Miers had never discussed abortion. Said Bush,“Luckily it turned out to be a false alarm.” [some applause]

Horatio Sanz: Many people are upset with President Bush fornominating current White House Counsel Harriet Miers to the SupremeCourt, particularly her law partner, Jacoby.

Amy Poehler: [picture of President Bush giving a televisedspeech] This week, nearly twelve million Americans tuned in to a newepisode of “Lost.”

Horatio Sanz: The U.S. Treasury is featuring a new nickel thathas Thomas Jefferson facing forward, with a hint of a smile. A smilethat says, “You see that slave over there? Yeah, I tapped that ass.”[applause]

Amy Poehler: President Bush’s nominee, Harriet Miers, has comeunder fire from both the left and the right, because of her lack ofexperience. Many are suggesting she withdraw her nomination. Here tocomment is perennial candidate Tim Calhoun.

[Pan to Tim, who holds a stack of note cards. Applause. Tim nervouslyspeaks through a tabletop microphone, in a very soft voice]

Tim Calhoun: Hi, I am Tim Calhoun, and I’m running for SupremeCourt, of America. I think I would make a much better candidatefor Supreme Court than that girl. Here’s why…

[pauses to change cards]

I do not have any Supreme Court experience, but I have served as alawyer for myself, on many occasions… all of which turned outreal bad. Here’s a list of my convictions. One potbrownie…seven shoplift…one cocaine brownie…and thirty more cocainebrownies. I’m real sorry, but I have a sweet tooth.

[pauses to change cards]

I think burning the flag is wrong. But undercooking the flag is even worse.

[pauses to change cards]

As I mentioned before, I have no judge experience. But I have worked ata court for a long time. It was a food court… I served food, at afood court.

[pauses to change cards]

Note from self… don’t mention food court. [Tim stares into the camera inhorror. He speaks under his breath] Oh no… I already mentionedfood court… what do I do what do I do what do I do what do I do…

[pauses to change cards]

Have I mentioned that I worked at a food court? [gasps] How did thatget in there?

[pauses to change cards]

Food court…[changes cards again] food court… food court… foodcourt… [stops at the next card, and looks into the camera] Foodcourt… [changes cards] food court.

[pauses to change cards]

I think gavels should be called law hammers.

[changes cards one final time]

In conclusion, and in summary, vote for me, Tim Calhoun, for SupremeCourt of America… and I will get right to work erasing my permanentrecord.

Amy Poehler: Tim Calhoun, everybody! [cheers and applause]

Horatio Sanz: Fearing a religious backlash because of the title,Sony decided to not release the new Albert Brooks film “Looking forComedy in the Muslim World.” For similar reasons, Sony has also decidednot to release the film “Deuce Bigalow: Osama Bin Gigolo.”

Once a week, recovering illusionist Roy Horn reportedly visitsMontecore, the tiger that mauled him. Though disturbingly, they’reconjugal visits! [some applause; Horatio laughs] You know what thatmeans, right Amy? He gets busy with that tiger! [Amy shakes her head indisbelief]

Amy Poehler: Security in the New York City subway system wasraised on Thursday after reports of specific threats involvingbomb-laden baby carriages and briefcases. The extra security has madecommuting especially difficult for business babies. [Picture of a babystanding on a subway platform, wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase. Some applause. Amy is clearly amused by the picture]

A chimpanzee in China has quit smoking after sixteen years, with thehelp of her keepers. The chimp was able to quit when the keepersstopped buying her cigarettes! [applause; Amy looks off camerafor a moment]

There is a growing concern in the Everglades over the rise of non-nativesnakes, abandoned by pet owners in the swamp. That’s—now Horatio, youactually abandoned a snake in the Everglades, didn’t you?

Horatio Sanz: Yes Amy, my anaconda.

Amy Poehler: Wow, your anaconda! Is it dangerous?

Horatio Sanz: Well, if memory serves…
“My anaconda don’t want none
Unless it’s got buns, hon!”

Amy Poehler: I can do side bends or situps!

Horatio Sanz: But please don’t lose that butt!

Amy Poehler: They toss it, and they leave it,
And I pull up quick to retrieve it!

Horatio Sanz: So ladies!

Amy Poehler: Yeah!

Horatio Sanz: Ladies!

Amy Poehler: Yeah!

Horatio Sanz: Pull up in my Mercedes?

Amy Poehler: Hell yeah!
Shake it, then shake it!
Shake that healthy butt!
Baby got—[Amy stands and dances next to Horatio, grinding her butt against him. Horatio starts laughing. Cheers and applause]
Little in the middle but you got much back!

Keep your snakes out of the Everglades, everybody! [sitting down]

Horatio Sanz: Holy mole! [Amy stands up and grinds again; moreapplause]

Amy Poehler: Kate Moss, who has already lost several endorsementcontracts with Chanel, H & M, and Burberry in the wake of hercocaine-snorting scandal, received an even more embarrassing setbackthis week, when she was dropped as a spokesperson for the cocaineindustry. [hangs her head in shame]

The nation’s energy chief says it will take six months for U.S. Energyproduction and prices to return to pre-hurricane levels. In a boldeffort to hurry the process, President Bush fished out his old “SaveGas, Fart in a Jar” t-shirt. [some applause]

Horatio Sanz: A bar in London opened last weekend, made entirelyof ice, and will be kept at -22 degrees Fahrenheit year-round. Theopening night party was marred, however, when four people died ofhypothermia in the wet t-shirt contest.

BodyWorld, a new exhibit, opened Friday in Philadelphia, featuring acollection of skinless, preserved cadavers in various poses. Or as Ilike to call it, “The View”! [applause]

Amy Poehler: Melissa Etheridge is developing a sitcom with ABCabout what her life might have been like had she not become a musician,but been gay, stayed in Kansas, and taught at a high school. It’scalled, “The Gym Teacher.”

A former nursing home worker in New York State has filled anine-million-dollar federal lawsuit, claiming she suffered mentalanguish and needs anti-anxiety medication, after being forced to proveshe was wearing a bra at work. You know, something very similarhappened to me, let’s take a look:

[Dissolve to tape featuring Amy and Horatio on the “Weekend Update” set,presumably going over their script. Lorne Michaels approaches Amy]

Lorne Michaels: Hey Amy, you wearing a bra?

Amy Poehler: Yeah, Lorne, I am.

Lorne Michaels: What the hell for? [Walks off, giggling. Dissolve back to the live set]

Amy Poehler: Thanks a lot, Horatio.

Horatio Sanz: That was, that was not cool there.

Amy Poehler: No, thanks for sticking up for me, too. Iappreciate that.

Horatio Sanz: Yeah, no problem.

A study has shown that bringing a clown into the operating room mayrelax children who are about to undergo surgery, which proves thatlaughter really is the best medicine… unless you have cancer. Thenyou should get chemo. [prolonged laughter]

Amy Poehler: A Russian Soyuz spacecraft docked at theInternational Space Station Monday. The spacecraft then turned around,and was promptly rear-ended by Lindsay Lohan.

Horatio Sanz: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Horatio Sanz.

Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Good night and have a pleasanttomorrow.

[Cheers and applause. Horatio appears to bless the audience, thenshares a hug with Amy. Fade]

Submitted by: Mike Arroyo

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 2

05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

The Werewolf

Tom…..Jon Heder
Sara…..Amy Poehler
Officer #1…..Jason Sudeikis
Officer #2…..Bill Hader
Nick…..Andy Samberg

[ open on interior, Tom’s apartment, dark. Tom turns on the light as he and his date, Sara, enter the apartment. ]

Sara: Tom, I had such a good time tonight.

Tom: Me, too, Sara. Please, sit down.

Sara: Ah!

[ they sit ]

Tom: Sara. These last three weeks have been amazing.

Sara: I know.

Tom: But there’s something you need to know about me. A secret that I’ve never told anyone.

[ the background music turns ominous ]

Sara: Okay, Tom, whatever it is, we’ll deal with it.

[ a crack of lightning sounds outside ]

Tom: Two years ago.. I was hiking in the northern mountains of Romania. It was a foggy night, and, even with the full moon to guide me, I lost my way. That’s when I saw it.

[ lightning cracks again ]

Sara: It?

Tom: A beast! [ lightning cracks again ] Twice the size of a wolf, with huge fangs and horrible, yellow eyes. It bit me, and I became.. one of the likened.

Sara: Uh.. a werewolf?

Tom: Yes. A hideous half-man, half-beast.

Sara: Oh, my God!

[ a wolf’s howl rises from outside. Tom rushes to the window to look, his eyes focusing on dark clouds exposing the moon’s full surface ]

Tom: [ trembling ] Sara! The full moon is almost upon us! You must leave immediately!

Sara: No, Tom! I want to stay! I don’t care what you become!

Tom: All right! Then, quickly! Bind my hands and feet with these.. [ picks up the shackjles, but can’t find the words ] these things.. these.. chains!

Sara: Tom! You’re scaring me!

Tom: You should be afraid. Soon, I’ll be a wolf.

[ another crack of lightning, as Sara finally makes the decision to bind Tom’s hands and feet with the shackles ]

[ the moon’s surface is fully exposed, and Tom’s transformation begins. Cue stock exterior footage from old horror movies, as a fake wolf’s head bounces between superimpositions between Tom’s head, and a close-up of his eyes turns yellow. ]

[ Sara stands over a hunched Tom. He lifts his head to reveal.. a moustache? ]

Tom: I’m a monster!

Sara: Ohh!! Oh, no!! [ screams, then notices he’s not really a monster after all ] Oh? It’s not that bad.

Tom: Don’t patronize me! I know I look like a wolf!

Sara: Actually.. you look more like Jeff Foxworthy.

Tom: You’re too kind, Sara! But you must fly! As these chains will soon submit to my demon strength! [ begins trying to break free from his shackles ]

Sara: [ crosses her arms ] Tom. Tom, how hard did this beast bite you?

Tom: Really hard! In the arm. [ points to the bite mark on his arm ]

Sara: [ looks at Tom’s bite mark ] There? That looks like a mosquito bite!

Tom: [ still struggling with the shackles ] Aaarrgggghh!! A warlock must have been a spell on these chains! Normally, I can break free!

Sara: Yeah, uh-huh. You can break free with your werewolf strength, and all?

[ a knock at the door ]

Tom: Ah, you’re lucky. I called the police ahead of time, for your safety.

Sara: Ah, good thinking. [ she goes to answer the door, as Tom continues to wrestle with the shackles ]

[ a pair of police officers enter the apartment ]

Officer #1: Hey, Tom, how are ya’?

[ Tom hisses at the police officers ]

Sara: You know each other?

Officer #1: Yeah. Yeah, we come by once a month, uh.. we stopped coming for a little while, and, you know, it really hurt his feelings.

Officer #2: It looks like the, uh.. [ makes quotes sign ] “transformation” is completed.

Tom: Don’t look at me, I’m hideous!

Sara: Uh, I-I don’t know, Tom. I think the moustache is kinda cute!

Officer #2: Yeah! Moustaches are coming back in style!

Officer #1: Sure. Retro.

Tom: Idiots! I will feast on your blood!

Sara: Isn’t that – isn’t that more of a vampire thing?

Tom: No!

Officer #1: So, uh.. is this your first full moon with him?

Sara: Oh, him? Yeah, yeah.

Officer #2: Pretty weird, huh? Like, full moon, and he’s just, like, pow!

Tom: Ahhhh!! Monster strength! Uhhh!! Ahhh!!

[ suddenly, Nicky, carrying a can of beer and sporting a moustache of his own, enters the apartment ]

Nick: Oh, hey, everybody.

[ lightning cracks, as the camera zooms in on Nick’s moustache ]

Officer #1: Hey, Nick.

Officer #2: What’s up, Nicky.

Nick: [ looks over at Tom ] Is it a full moon again?

Officer #1: You know it.

Nick: Man, time really flies.

Sara: Wait a minute, are you a werewolf, too?

Nick: Oh, what? [ points to his moustache ] This? [ laughs ] No, no, it’s just a moustache! Yeah, I liked the way it looked on Tom so much, I decided to grow one myself.

[ Tom howls ]

Nick: Ah-ha. They get it, Tom. You’re a wolf. Hey, you guys. I’m going to head out to a party. You want in?

Sara: Yeah!

Officer #1: Yeah, absolutely.

Sara: A party sounds fun!

Officer #1: Sure, we’ll take the cop car!

Nick: Alright, let’s roll. Check you later, Tom!

[ Nick and the two cops exit Tom’s apartment ]

[ Tom grunts at Sara ]

Sara: Bye, sweetheart, I’ll call you tomorrow. [ runs toward the door ]

Tom: [ frantic ] Can I come?

[ Nick looks back at Tom ]

Nick: Uh, sorry, buddy, it’s a.. human party.

[ everyone else but Tom exits his apartment, and Nick flips the light switch to the Off position ]

Tom: [ sits alone in the darkened apartment ] My curse has.. once again cost me everything I love. [ howls into the night, as lightning flashes ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 2

05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Wilson Bros. Funeral Home

Four Eyes…..Jon Heder
Funeral Director…..Fred Armisen
Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Heath…..Will Forte
Debbie…..Amy Poehler
Bobby…..Kenan Thompson
Judy…..Rachel Dratch
Lou…..Andy Samberg
Paul…..Finesse Mitchell
Announcer…..Darrell Hammond
Cop…..Horatio Sanz

[ open on exterior, Wilson Bros. Funeral Home ]

[ dissolve to interior hallway. Four Eyes steps forward as Funeral Director preps sign reading “In Memorium: Matthew Rogers” ]

Four Eyes: I’m here for Matthew Rogers.

Funeral Director: He’s right in there.

[ Four Eyes enters the viewing area, as a group of friends stand around an open casket ]

Four Eyes: Sorry I’m late. Poor Matthew. What happened?

Jason: Well he was a Counselor at a Summer camp, and while he was teaching the kids about eating right, he was dressed up like a giant sandwich and, well.. a bear came outof the woods and ate him.

Heath: He always loved wearing that sandwich costume.

Debbie: I’m glad you could make it, Bobby.

Bobby: Yeah. You know, I don’t mind driving the 500 miles for Matthew.

Lou: Matthew would be glad that we all got back together.

All: Yeah.

Bobby: Wow. This is so strange. This is only, like, the second funeral I’ve been to in my whole life. I mean, one time, when I was little, this kid died in my neighborhood and they buried him in his little league uniform.

Debbie: I hate funerals. Oh, Heath. [ latches onto Heath for a hug ]

Judy: [ holds up plate of deviled eggs ] Oh, um, I brought deviled eggs if anyone wants one.

Jason: I’m good.

Lou: Me, too.

Paul: [ happily ] Don’t mind If I do.

Bobby: Well, I got to get going. I got a big drive ahead of me.

Four Eyes: I hate that it’s under these circumstances but, it’s great to see all you guys.

Jason: Yeah. Good to see you again, four eyes.

Debbie: What happened to your glasses, four eyes?

Four Eyes: I got Lasik surgery. Don’t need glasses anymore.

Jason: All right, good for you. Hey, let’s promise each other we’ll all see one another before the next funeral, huh?

All: Absolutely. Great to see you guys.

[ dissolve to exterior, Wilson Bros. Funeral Home ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] Two days later.

[ dissolve to interior hallway. Four Eyes steps forward as Funeral Director preps sign reading “In Memorium: Heath Bronson” ]

Four Eyes: I’m here for Heath Bronson.

Funeral Director: He’s right.. through there.

[ Four Eyes enters the viewing area, as his group of friends stand around the open casket ]

Four Eyes: Sorry I’m late. What happened?

Jason: Well, Debbie, you want to take this one?

Debbie: Well, um.. after Matthew’s funeral, Heath came over to my house, and while we were making love, he had a stroke.

Jason: Well, that explains the look on his face.

[ close-up of the grin on Heath’s face ]

Judy: [ holds up plate of stuffed mushrooms ] I, uh.. I baked stuffed mushrooms, if anyone wants one.

Jason: No thanks.

Lou: Me, either.

Paul: [ happily ] Don’t mind If I do!

Bobby: Two funerals in one week. Wow, man, this is tough.

Lou: Oh, yeah, speaking of which, uh.. you guys remember that bear that killed Matthew? Well, I tracked him down and shot him.

Four Eyes: Good job, Lou.

Lou: Thanks, four eyes.

Bobby: Well, I better hit it. I got a big drive ahead of me.

Jason: Yeah, good seeing you guys.

Debbie: You, too. It was great seeing you. Let’s get together, you know —

[ dissolve to exterior, Wilson Bros. Funeral Home ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] One day later.

[ dissolve to interior hallway. Four Eyes steps forward as Funeral Director preps sign reading “In Memorium: Paul Norvaks, Judy Putty” ]

[ the offstage sound of the shuffling of two caskets this time can be audibly heard during the set-up scene ]Four Eyes: I’m here for Paul Norvaks and Judy Putty.

Funeral Director: They’re through there.

[ Four Eyes enters the viewing area, as his group of friends stand around the open casket. Rachel Dratch can be glimpsed falling into the casket and laughing as the scene begins. ]

Four Eyes: Sorry I’m late. Poor Paul and Judy.

Lou: They were so young.

Jason: Yeah.

Four Eyes: What happened?

Jason: Well, you know those mushrooms Judy brought yesterday? They turned out to be poisonous. Paul ate one.

Four Eyes: Did Judy eat the mushrooms, too?

Jason: No, no. Paul realized he’d been poisoned, and with his last ounce of strength.. he strangled Judy.

[ close-up of Paul’s hands in a strangling position ]

Debbie: I’m so sad. Oh, Bobby, hold me.

Bobby: Whoa, easy, Debbie, don’t bring that death box around me! I got a big drive ahead of me.

Jason: Hey, it was good seeing you guys.

All: You, too. Yeah, good seeing you again!

[ dissolve to exterior, Wilson Bros. Funeral Home ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] One day later.

[ dissolve to interior hallway. Four Eyes steps forward as Funeral Director preps sign reading “In Memorium: Bobby Windetta” ]

Four Eyes: I’m here for Bobby Windetta.

Funeral Director: He’s right.. through there.

[ Four Eyes enters the viewing area, as his group of friends stand around the open casket ]

Four Eyes: Sorry I’m late. Poor Bobby.

Jason: Yeah, he was so young.

Four Eyes: What happened?

Jason: Well, it seems Bobby was tired from all that driving he’d been doing. So he pulled over on the side of the road to sleep, and he was attacked by a pack of hobos.

Four Eyes: I see he was buried in his little league uniform.

Jason: Mmm hmm.

Lou: Yeah, it was his last request.

Jason: Hey, it was good seeing you guys again.

All: It was. Good seeing you. Yeah, it was great to see you, no matter what.

[ dissolve to exterior, Wilson Bros. Funeral Home ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] One day later.

[ dissolve to interior hallway. Four Eyes steps forward as Funeral Director preps sign reading “In Memorium: Lou Wagner” ]

Four Eyes: I’m here for Sweet Lou Wagner.

Funeral Director: He’s right through there.

Four Eyes: Okay.

[ Four Eyes enters the viewing area, as his group of friends stand around the open casket ]

Four Eyes: Sorry I’m late. Poor Lou. What happened? Ah yeah, you remember that bear he killed? Well, that bear’s brother wanted revenge, so he tracked Lou down and killed him.

Debbie: I heard that Lou got shot.

Jason: Yeah, he did. The bear shot him.

Debbie: Oh. We should kill that bear.

Jason: Well, it’s too late. After the bear shot Lou, he turned the gun on himself.

Four Eyes: That’s horrible.

Jason: Hey, it’s great seeing you guys.

Debbie: It’s great seeing you always. It’s always great to see you guys, really!

Jason: It is. It is.

[ dissolve to exterior, Wilson Bros. Funeral Home ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] You’re not going to believe this but.. the very next day..

[ dissolve to interior hallway. Four Eyes steps forward as Funeral Director preps sign reading “In Memorium: Debbie Lassen” ]

Four Eyes: I’m here for Debbie Lassen.

Funeral Director: She’s right through there.

Four Eyes: Okay.

[ Four Eyes enters the viewing area, as his group of friends stand around the open casket ]

Four Eyes: Sorry I’m late. Poor Debbie. What happened.

Jason: Well, her boss got all pissed because she’d been taking so many sick days to go to funerals. So he fired her. She was so disappointed that she jumped in front of a bus.

Four Eyes: Oh, this has been a rough week.

Jason: Yeah. Hey, it’s good seeing you, though.

Four Eyes: Yeah, you know it, friend.

Jason: Take care, alright.

Four Eyes: Yeah.

[ Four Eyes exits ]

Jason: [ thinking out loud ] You know what? This is all too much of a coincidence. Who’s behind this? [ thinking ] Follow the money. Who is making a profit from this? [ Funeral Director enters suddenly, pointing a gun ] Oh, my God.

Funeral Director: So I see you figured out the plan. Too bad you won’t be alive to tell anybody about it. [ shoots and kills Jason ]

Four Eyes: [ re-enters ] Oh, my gosh, what have you done?

Funeral Director: This brainiac figured out our plan.

Four Eyes: Good job! He was the last one, and now none of them will call me four eyes again. I can finally put my glasses back on. [ puts on a pair of glasses ] Ahhh, that’s better. Ao, how much money did we make from all these funerals?

Funeral Director: $300 a funeral.

Four Eyes: We got away with it! Now I have enough money for Lasik surgery! Now who’s laughing? [ a knock at the door ] who is it?

[ two cops enter ]

Cop: It’s the police. We heard gunshots.

Four Eyes: Oh, crap!

Funeral Director: [ points at Four Eyes ] He did it. I just work here.

Cop: You’re coming with me, four eyes. Let’s go! [ grabs Four Eyes and drags him away ]

Four Eyes: No, don’t call me that!

[ Funeral Director steps forward ]

Funeral Director: What you’ve just witnessed is a re-enactment, showing what some unscrupulous funeral directors would do to make a profit. But at the Wilson Bros. Funeral Home, we don’t do that. So come on down. If you say tell us you saw this commercial, we’ll give you 10% off. That’s a Wilson Bros. guarantee.

[ dissolve to exterior ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 3


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 22nd, 2005

Catherine Zeta-Jones

Franz Ferdinand

None

None
Special ReportSummary: President George W. Bush holds an obviously scripted Q&A sessions with American soldiers stationed in Iraq.

Recurring Characters: Brit Hume, President George W. Bush.

Transcript

MontageNote: Maya Rudolph is credited even though she’s absent from the episode for maternity leave.

Note: Chris Parnell is not credited for this episode.

Catherine Zeta-Jones’ MonologueSummary: Though initially nervous about hosting, Catherine Zeta-Jones is ready to make herself look foolish on live television — after all, as she sings, “They Can’t Take My Oscar Away.”

Bio: Catherine Zeta-Jones (1969-). Actress; married to actor Michael Douglas since 2000; reprises her role as the wife of Zorro in “The Legend of Zorro” (2005).

Butt Cancer Treatment CenterSummary: Butt cancer survivor (Jason Sudeikis) uses gross euphemisms to describe his recent treatment.

Transcript

Newsnight with Aaron BrownSummary: Stationed in the ruins of Pashwan, reporter Suzanne Carbonal’s (Catherine Zeta-Jones) personal hygeine begins to take its toll.

Recurring Characters: Aaron Brown.

Transcript

Dancer PartySummary: Sophie’s (Catherine Zeta-Jones) boyfriend, John (Seth Meyers), is uncomfortable being the only straight-laced attendee of a party inhabited by Bob Fosse-like dancers.

Franz Ferdinand performs “Do You Want To”Bio: Scottish rock quartet named after the Austro-Hungarian Archduke whose murder sparked World War I; members: bassist Bob Hardy, guitarist Nick McCarthy, drummer Paul Thomson, and singer/guitarist Alex Kapranos.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Doral High School football coach Donnie Freeman (Jason Sudekis) is oblivious to his lacking coaching schools. The voice of Don Pardo hits on Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Blind prop comic Pep Walters (Fred Armisen) stumbles through one of his jokes. A lone screen capture at the end of the broadcast pays tribute to the recent death of former cast member Charles Rocket.

Transcript

Italian HotelSummary: Italian hotel owner Vinny Vedecci (Bill Hader) and his employees (Fred Armisen, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Horatio Sanz) make stereotypical pop culture references to a group of American tourists (Amy Poehler, Jason Sudekis, Kenan Thompson).

Recurring Characters: Vinny Vedecci.

Access HollywoodSummary: Sharon Stone (Amy Poehler) writes the song “Feed the Wet Ones” to raise money for the victims of Hurricane Katrina.

Recurring Characters: Sharon Stone, Aretha Franklin, Nick Carter.

Creighton Boys SchoolSummary: Fellow language teachers (Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch) are jealous of the popularity of the hot new French teacher (Catherine Zeta-Jones).

Transcript

Franz Ferdinand performs “Take Me Out”

Musical VowsSummary: A bride (Catherine Zeta-Jones) and groom (Will Forte) sing a bawdy tune about their courtship, then proceed to spank one another in front of distraught family members.

Transcript

Morgan StanleySummary: Morgan Stanley broker (Will Forte) berates his timid client’s (Fred Armisen) boisterous daughter (Amy Poehler) after school.

Note: Repeat from 10a.

Schatzki’s DeliSummary: Brad Scheinwald’s (Seth Meyers) secret meeting with an actress (Amy Poehler) to play the lead in an Emily Dickinson biopic goes awry when Grandpa Abe (Rachel Dratch) shows up with a Spanish TV actress (Catherine Zeta-Jones) he feels would be better suited to star in the role.

Recurring Characters: Brad Scheinwald, Abe Scheinwald.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

J.J. CasualsSummary: Jack Johnson (Andy Samberg) promotes shoes shaped like feet, for the casual person who prefers to walk around barefoot.

Note: This commerical parody later appears in the episode hosted by Jason Lee.

OutsidersSummary: Talk show format for the unpopular crowd.

Secret Democrat MeetingSummary: Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler), John Edwards (Will Forte), Howard Dean (Jason Sudeikis), Al Gore (Darrell Hammond), and John Kerry (Seth Meyers) convene in secret to discuss the 2008 nomination.

Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, Howard Dean, Al Gore, John Kerry.

Sexy DentistSummary: A seductive dentist (Catherine Zeta Jones) sexually harrasses her patient (Horatio Sanz).

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 3

05c: Catherine Zeta-Jones / Franz Ferdinand

The Butt Cancer Treatment Center

Wife…..Amy Poehler
Husband…..Jason Sudeikis

[In a kitchen; Wife and Husband Sudeikis address the camera earnestly.]

Wife: There’s some things men don’t like to talk about.

Husband: Like butt cancer.

Wife: Yes. Like butt cancer. Did you know that cancer of the dumper affects one in every forty men? But if detected early, it’s often successfully treated.

Husband: If it weren’t for the doctors at the Butt Cancer Treatment Center, I might not be here today.

Wife: We owe so much to the Butt Cancer Treatment Center.

Husband: We do. I was so worried about my pooper. Then one of the specialists at the Center fiddled around with my buns, and found the problem.

Wife: That’s usually all it takes. They diddle your pooper and then you know.

Husband: Knowledge is power.

Wife: If you’re a man over 30 and you’re concerned, you should have someone put a finger up your fartbox.

Husband: My butt is clean and free and living the good life.

Wife: Your fudge factory deserves the best.

[Cut to picture of building, with sign: The Butt Cancer Treatment Center ]

Female voice V/O: The Butt Cancer Treatment Center. Let us check out your stinker.

Submitted by: http://donboy.blogspot.com/

SNL Transcripts