For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 1
05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West
Goodnights
…..Steve Carell
Steve Carell: Thanks to Kanye West! Mike Myers! [ Myers raises his arm ] Adam Levine! Thank you so much, it’s really a dream come true! Thank you to my family! I had a great time!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 1
05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West
Jet Blue Flight #292
Woman…..Amy Poehler
Larry…..Steve Carell
Pilot…..Chris Parnell
Aaron Brown…..Darrel Hammond
Greg Benedetto…..Seth Meyers
Daniel Lane…..Bill Hader
[open on exterior of aircraft in flight, with caption: “Jet Blue Flight #292; September 21, 2005”]
[dissolve to interior]
Woman: Oh, that was an amazing vacation.
Larry: Oh, three weeks in Burbank. Fantastic.
Pilot: [voice over] Hello, this is your captain speaking. Just wanted to welcome you aboard Jet Blue flight 292, non-stop service to Kennedy Airport. We just reached our cruising altitude, so I’m going to turn off the “fasten seatbelts” sign. Oh, and it looks like we’re going to keep the landing gear down for the duration of the flight. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just FYI.
Woman: The landing gear’s down? Is that normal.
Larry: Oh, honey, don’t worry. This is Jet Blue. Everything’s just a little more relaxed.
Woman: Well, they got 35 channels of satellite TV. That’s enough to make me relax. [they put on headsets, and the woman taps the controls a few times to change the channel]
[dissolve to on-board television set with news report]
Aaron Brown: We now join a breaking story out of Burbank, California. The landing gear on Jet Blue flight 292 has malfunctioned, and the plane is about to attempt an emergency landing in Los Angeles.
[dissolve to plane]
Woman: Oh my God, are you watching this?
Larry: I am. I can’t believe it’s the male seahorse that gets pregnant.
Woman: No, not Animal Planet! That’s our plane on TV!
Larry: Yeah, that’s right honey. I know. On Jet Blue, there is TV on the plane.
Woman: No, our plane is on the TV! The landing gear’s broken; we’re making an emergency landing.
Larry: Honey, I think they would tell us if we were making an emergency landing.
Pilot: [voice over] Attention passengers, slight change of plans. Seems like we’re going to make a little pit stop in Los Angeles. Nothing to worry about. We’re also offering a great selection of Terra Blue potato chips. So sit back and enjoy the flight. Thanks again for flying Jet Blue.
Woman: [wraps her arms around herself] Did you hear that?
Larry: Yeah, Terra Blue because it’s Jet Blue. Very clever.
Woman: No, no, they said we’re making an emergency landing.
Larry: Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, [removes headphones] we’re making a pit stop. Come on, there’s a big difference. Just relax, okay. Oh, “Charles in Charge”! [puts headphones back on]
[dissolve to news report with caption: “Jet Blue: Code Red?”]
Aaron Brown: New details from inside Jet Blue flight 292. Apparently the flight attendants are serving Terra Blue potato chips , a last meal of sorts for the 140 passengers facing almost certain death.
[dissolve to plane, with woman nervously eating Terra Blue potato chips]
[dissolve to news report]
Aaron Brown: Here to comment on the tragedy is aerodynamic specialist Greg Benedetto. And, Greg, just what are those passengers facing?
[split screen and then dissolve to Greg Benedetto with caption: “Greg Benedetto; U.S. Institute of Aeronautics”]
Greg Benedetto: Well, it’s not pretty, Aaron. The front landing gear is twisted in a ninety degree angle. Using a computer model, we’ve predicted precisely how the plane will land. [dissolve to computer graphic of plane landing on runway with small flames under the front] As you can see, [flames expand to encompass wing] you don’t have to be an expert to see that that’s not good. [small explosions wrack the fuselage] Pretty bad. [a large explosion briefly obscures the entire plane] More explosions. And even with fire trucks on the scene [two fire trucks arrive and immediately burst into flames], it’s doubtful that there would be any survivors. [people on fire run frantically from the plane]
[dissolve to split screen]
Aaron Brown: Now, what are those there?
Greg Benedetto: Oh, those are the survivors, but as you can see from the graphic, they’re not going to make it.
Aaron Brown: Wow, that is really terrific stuff, Greg, just amazing what computers can do. [dissolve to plane]
Woman: Oh, my God! Oh, my God, are you watching this?!
Larry: What? What is going on?
Woman: Our plane is going to explode!
Larry: [removes headphones, and “Charles in Charge” theme song is heard] Oh, honey, how could you know that?
Pilot: [voice over] Hey everyone. Hope you’re enjoying your complimentary beverage. Just a heads up, we’re going to do what we like to call a “Jet Blue how do you do,” which is slang for dumping a bunch of fuel in the ocean. Fun little tradition. Anyway, enjoy the flight.
Woman: Did you hear that? We’re dumping fuel.
Larry: Honey, we’re on a plane. Of course we’re dumping fuel.
[woman’s expression conveys disbelief]
[dissolve to news repot]
Aaron Brown: Joining us now is psychologist Daniel Lane. [split screen] And, Dr. Lane, it’s been suggested that some of the passengers may be watching these events unfold on their in-flight televisions, and how could that affect the situation?
[dissolve to Daniel Lane sitting on a leather chair with title: “Dr. Daniel Lane; Emory University]
Daniel Lane: Well, it’s the age-old question: Do you want to know exactly how and when you’re going to die, or would you rather not know?
Aaron Brown: And what is the professional consensus?
Daniel Lane: Oh, you don’t want to know! Knowing makes it, like, ten times worse. [chuckles]
[dissolve to plane]
Woman: Oh, God! Aaaaah!
Larry: I know, I know, Home and Garden. What a channel!
[dissolve to news report]
Aaron Brown: All right, I am just getting word that we’re going live to the runway where the Jet Blue flight is about to explode.
[dissolve to plane]
Woman: Larry, Larry, are we going to die?! I love you!
Larry: Oh, wow! Your breath smells like potato chips.
Woman: Oh, my God! We’re going to land!
[dissolve to footage of flight 292 successfully landing]
[dissolve to plane interior with applauding passengers]
Larry: Game Show Network, no whammies!
Woman: I can’t believe it, we’re alive!
Pilot: [voice over] Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve arrive in Los Angeles. Not exactly Kennedy Airport, but we did land three hours ahead of schedule. Once again, thank you for flying Jet Blue.
Submitted by: DavidK93
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Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 1
Search Now: 
05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West
Steve Carell’s Monologue
…..Steve Carell
…..Kenan Thompson
…..Amy Poehler
…..Horatio Sanz
Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Steve Carell.
Steve Carell: Thank you very much. This is the season premiere of”Saturday Night Live,” and it is the very first show in high-definition. Amazing. Yeah! Now, you may not know this, but about ten years ago, I auditioned for this very show, and it was between me and another guy, and they chose the other guy.
[ show close-up of Will Ferrell dressed as Craig the Cheerleader ]
Steve Carell: Don’t, uh.. don’t be sad for me, because things have been going pretty well. I’m on a hit series, “The Office.” A critically-acclaimed series, “The Office.” And my movie, “The 40 Year-Old Virgin
“, just surpassed $100 million. [ audience cheers ] Now, not a lot of comedies reach the $100 million mark. [ sniffs the air, releasing a heavy sound effect ] Know what that smell is?That is rarified air. See, I’m in the big leagues now. I’m in a category with the Vince vaughns, the Owen wilsons, and the Ben stillers.
[ singing, as he sways into the audience ]
“I’m one of those guys now
Raking the box office numbers.
I’m not bragging, but it’s not bad to brag
When you’re just like Jack Black but better!”
[ Kenan Thompson appears ]
Steve Carell: Hey, Kenan, my movie just made over $100 million!
Kenan Thompson: $100 million?! Who can imagine that much money?!
Steve Carell: I can. I’m the best!
[ continues singing ]
“Hey, move over, will Ferrell
Vince Vaughn, out of my way.
I hear stiller’s a big kiss-ass
And Owen Wilson is gay!”
[ Amy Poehler and Horatio Sanz appear ]
Amy Poehler: I-I-I don’t think Owen Wilson is gay.
Steve Carell: We’re up for the same parts quite a bit. [ a beat ] Hey, guess what, Horatio – my movie broke $100 million. Why don’t you two go buy yourselves a sailboat? [ throws wads of money at Amy and Horatio ]
Horatio Sanz: You’re the best in the biz, Steve carell!
Steve Carell: [ continues singing ]
“I started off on Jon Stewart
Basic cable is way in my past.
Now that I’m box office brilliant
Money falls from my ass!”
[ squats gently, as loud coin sound effects are heard ]
“I look better in high-definition
Which brings out my baby blue eyes
And shows my teeth’s perfect condition
And did I mention money falls from my ass?”
[ squats gently again, as loud coin sound effects are heard ]
“Everyone, out of my way!
(Everyone, out of his way!)
old ladies and has-beens and children
I’m on the top, and I can’t be stopped.
So stand back, Wilson!
Stand back, Ferrell!
Stand back, Vince Vaughn!
Stand back, Stiller!
I am one of you now, I’m go-o-o-o-olllld!!Box-office gold!I’m go-o-o-o-olllld!!”
Steve Carell: We have a great show tonight. Kanye West is here. We’ll be right back.
“I’m go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-olllld….”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 1
05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West
Morgan Stanley
Teacher…..John Lutz
Man…..Will Forte
Ashley…..Amy Poehler
Boyfriend…..Andy Samberg
Dad…..Fred Armisen
[ open on Ashley and her boyfriend standing outside the high school ]
[ tag: “Tappan Regional High School – 2:10 p.m.” ]
[ minivan pulls up to the curb, as an angry man rushes out of it and toward Ashley and her boyfriend ]
Man: You’ve really done it this time, Ashley. Smoking pot at school?
[ Ashley throws her school books to the ground ]
Man: [ bends down to pick up the books ] That’s going to look good on a college application. That’s gonna put you right in the top earning bracket for rest of your life. [ looks at the boyfriend ] Who is this, your dealer? I guess I’m supposed to give him a ride, too? [ throws all the books into the back seat of the minivan ] I’m not kidding when I tell you this, young lady. If you don’t get into a decent college I’m going to empty out your college fund. And so help me, I’ll.. [ thinks of a punishment severe enough ] Buy a boat!
Ashley: Fine!
Man: Fine! [ everyone climbs into the minivan ] You dress like a total whore by the way.
Ashley: I hate you!
Man: Well, I hate stupidity. And you’re going to be paying credit card interest on that street walker outfit until you’re too fat and old to wear it anymore.
Boyfriend: [ whispers to Ashley ] Your Dad’s kind of a dick.
[ now in the driver’s seat, the man violently struggles to adjust the steering wheel ]
Ashley: That’s not my Dad. That’s our Morgan Stanley guy. [ Dad appears in the passenger seat of the minivan ] Hi, Dad.
Dad: Hey, you kids want to go for ice cream?
Man: Damn it, Frank, grow a pair!
Dad: [ silently ] Sorry..
[ Dad looks sullenly out the window, as the Morgan Stanley tag wipes in ]
Announcer: Morgan Stanley, committed to your family’s goals, maybe more than you are.
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 1
05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West
The Couple That Should Be Divorced
Neil…..Steve Carell
Karen…..Rachel Dratch
Sally Needler…..Amy Poehler
Dan Needler…..Seth Meyers
Waiter…..Jason Sudeikis
[open on restaurant interior, with Neil and Karen taking their seats]
Neil: I’ve heard some great things about this restaurant.
Karen: Hey, why are we at a table for four?
Neil: Oh, uh, yeah, honey, I didn’t know how to tell you this, but Sally and Dan Needler are coming.
Karen: Ugh, Sally and Dan Needler? They’re going to fight all night.
Neil: I–well, listen, Dan is my best friend from school, Karen, plus I heard they’ve been going to some counseling. They should be fine.
[Sally and Dan enter]
Sally: Hey, hi guys!
Dan: Hi guys!
Sally: Sorry we’re late. Someone got pulled over.
Dan: And someone has a crush on a highway patrolman.
Sally: Well, at least he paid attention to me.
Dan: Well, of course he did, honey. You were smiling at him so much, he probably thought you were on crystal meth.
Sally: Wow, someone’s in a mood today.
Dan: [yelling over each other] Oh, am I?
Sally: [yelling over each other] Give me a break!
[hard rock jingle plays with still photo montage]
Male Singer: [singing voice over] “Now they’ve been fighting since their wedding day. [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at their wedding] If you ask your friends, they all say. [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing on a tropical vacation] The Needlers. [with title: “The Needlers”] The Couple That Should Be Divorced” Whoo!” [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at Christmas, and title repeated]
Voice Over: The Needlers.
[dissolve to restaurant]
Dan: So, it’s been ages, Neil. What’ve you been up to?
[the Needlers sit at the table]
Neil: Well, this summer I refinished the basement.
Sally: Oh, a finished basement. [to Dan] So it is possible.
Dan: Make you a deal. I’ll finish it as long as I can sleep in it when it’s done.
Sally: Okay, deal.
[they shake hands bitterly while Neil and Karen stare, nonplussed]
Dan: Deal, great.
Waiter: [arriving] Hello, everyone. Can I take your drink order?
Karen: [indicating Neil] Oh, he will have a Manhattan.
Neil: [indicating Karen] And she will have a Merlot.
Waiter: All right.
Sally: And what sort of drink do you think I would have?
Waiter: Well, you look like cosmopolitan type girl to me.
Sally: [laughing, flattered] Oh, cosmpolitan? Okay, that sounds good.
Dan: I’ll let the highway patrolman down easy.
Sally: He never makes anything easy. Why should he start now?
Waiter: Ah, sir, what would you like to drink?
Dan: Can I get a scotch on the rocks?
Sally: Like our marriage.
Dan: And can I get that with a splash of water and, like, sixty sleeping pills? Thank you, that’d be great.
[waiter leaves]
Neil: So, how’s the golf game, Dan?
Dan: The golf game’s going pretty great. High score still wins, right? [Neil and Karen chuckle, but Sally sits stonefaced] [to Sally] How come you never laugh at anything I say?
Sally: Say something funny and I’ll laugh.
Dan: Okay. How’s this? Knock-knock.
Sally: Who’s there?
Dan: I’m miserable every waking second!
[Sally and Dan laugh loudly and mirthlessly while Neil and Karen stare, nonplussed]
Sally: [still laughing] Hilarious!
[laughter stops]
Karen: Does everyone know what they’re getting?
Dan: Yeah, I think I’m going to get this beet salad.
Sally: What?
Dan: [slowly] The beet salad.
Sally: Bee salad?
Dan: [more slowly and with extreme emphasis] Beet salad.
Sally: Well, the first two times, you said “bee salad.”
Dan: Yeah, honey, I have a real craving for putting some bees in my mouth.
Neil: So, um, we have an announcement to make.
Karen: [sotto voce to Neil] Oh! I don’t think this is such a good time!
Neil: [sotto voce to Karen] It’s the only way I can get them to stop talking!
Sally: [brightly] Well, what is it?
Dan: Yeah.
Neil: We’re getting married.
Dan: Oh, my God!
Sally: Congratuations!
Dan: That’s fantastic!
Sally: Let me see the ring! [Karen reaches her hand over the table] Oh, wow, Neil really loves you! Gosh, either your ring is twice as big as mine, or I have grotesquely large hands.
Dan: [faux-sweetly] You have grotesquely large hands.
[Neil and Karen stare, nonplussed]
Sally: So, how did you propose?
Neil: Ah, well, I took her to the beach where we first met.
Karen: He had a boat ready and then he made dinner.
Neil: And we had it on a moonlight sail.
Karen: Yeah.
Sally: Wow, so you didn’t get down on one knee in an Applebee’s parking lot and say, “We might as well do this.”?
Dan: And, tell me, Karen, did you wait the traditional six days before saying yes?
Karen: How’s counseling going?
Dan: Really good.
Sally: Really good, actually. I’m learning that I can be a little judgemental.
Dan: And I get to pay two hundred dollars for her to figure that out.
Sally: [shouting] All right, can I talk to you privately for a second?
Dan: [shouting] Of course you can!
[they stand]
Sally: [shouting] Fine!
Dan: [shouting] I would love to talk to you privately!
[they storm into the kitchen]
Karen: Oh, my God.
Neil: Wow, this is bad.
[the sound of glasses and dishes breaking comes from the kitchen]
Karen: Promise me we’ll never be like that?
Neil: I promise.
[the waiter comes out of the kitchen]
Waiter: Um, hi. Hey, we need you to do something about your friends. They’re being really loud.
Karen: Oh, I’m sorry.
Neil: Are they still fighting?
Waiter: No, no, no; they’re actually having sex in the kitchen.
Karen: No!
Waiter: Oh, yeah, they definitely are. I mean, the busboys are totally into it, but it’s, like, a huge health code violation.
[Sally and Dan return to the dining area]
Sally: Okay, sorry about that, everybody. We will pay for dinner.
Dan: Or, more accurately, I’ll pay for it, but we’ll share the credit?
Sally: [yelling into his face] Son of a bitch!
Dan: [yelling into her face] Oh, what?!
[freeze frame]
[jingle plays with sung voice-over and title: “The Couple That Should Be Divorced”]
Submitted by: DavidK93
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 1
]]>
05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West
Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler
…..Amy Poehler
…..Horatio Sanz
…..Finesse Mitchell
…..Bill Hader
…..Andy Samberg
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, its WeekendUpdate, with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
[cheers and applause]
Amy Poehler Good evening, Im Amy Poehler.
Horatio Sanz: And Im Horatio Sanz.
Amy Poehler Tinas on assignment; she and her husband, Jeff, hada baby girl! [more cheers and applause] Thats right. Alice ZenobiaRichmond was born three weeks ago today, and theyre all doing great,and we send them all of our love. And I think we have a picture.
[a very sloppy drawing of a baby wearing a diaper and glasses is shown,labeled Artists Rendering]
Aww! Thats nice, she has Tinas eyes. Beautiful.
Here are tonights top stories: In the wake of newly-alleged prisonerabuse this week, Senator John McCain said that continued mistreatment ofIraqi prisoners is hurting the nations image. Also hurting thenations image: letting people drown when it rains. [picture of aflooded New Orleans]
Horatio Sanz: While appearing before a Senate committeeinvestigating the Katrina disaster, Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blancosaid, We are looking forward, not backward, at which point she was hitfrom behind by a hurricane. [applause]
Citing rising fuel costs and other expenses, Amtrak announced Tuesdaythat ticket prices nationwide would increase an average of three to fourdollars, starting next Tuesday. While Greyhound can no longer promisetheir passengers that their rides wont be Flintstone-style.
Amy Poehler: Christian conservatives are claiming that the hitdocumentary March of the Penguins supports the theory of intelligentdesign. Meanwhile, backers of evolution claim that intelligent designis refuted in the documentary March of the Bonaduces. [applause]
And now with an editorial is our own Horatio Sanz. [cheers and applause]
Horatio Sanz: President Bush is a genius! The end.
[awkward pause]
Amy Poehler: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Thats it? You know,you have to kind of explain yourself a little bit.
Horatio Sanz: Fine, Ill explicate.
Every time Bush screws up, he gets people off his back by doingsomething even more screwed up. The War in Iraq gets knocked off thefront page by the Karl Rove leak, which gets forgotten because of CindySheehan, then Hurricane Katrina comes along.
Amy Poehler: Oh. OK, and that makes him a genius, how?
Horatio Sanz: Well yes, Amy. I mean, I tried this Bush techniquethis past week, and it was very useful. On Wednesday I showed up twohours late for rehearsal, so to distract people from that, I was alsodrunk. [some applause] Then when somebody asked me if I was drunk, Ipunched Rachel Dratch in the neck. When they were putting her in theambulance, I said, Hey everybody, Im gonna buy lunch! Then I orderedfifty pizzas and left without paying!
Amy Poehler: Youre right, Horatio, President Bush is a genius. And so are you.
It was announced today that Paris Hilton broke off her engagement toParis Latsis. Insiders say she may be involved with a record producer. You can trust these insiders, because they have literally been insideher. [cheers and applause]
Horatio Sanz: Now with a report on New Yorks thriving club sceneis our nightlife correspondent, Finesse Mitchell.
[pan to Finesse; applause]
Finesse Mitchell: Hey, thank you. Hey! Now, the New York clubsare the place to be, and be seen. And I, for one, like to go withKenan, because Kenan is really famous. I mean, Im just snap famous. People see Kenan, they go crazy, Kenan!! They see me and theygo, Ohuh [snapping his fingers in thought] Whats your name,again? So it helps to go with Kenan, you know.
But I still do alright once I get in the club. Like, uh, one timeIdont wanna brag, but this girl came up to me, and she was buyin medrinks all night. But you know how sometimes in-the-club, in-the-darkpretty is different from outside, outside-the-club, in-the-light pretty? Well, you know, to make a long story short, we decided to go hometogether, and on the way home I could see a little bit better now,because she was sittin on the passengers side, and every five secondsthe street lights would shine in and hit her in the face. And everytime the light hit her, I could see her better, so I was like, ooh! Oh! Oh my God! [pretending to hold onto a steering wheel while repeatedlyducking down in disgust] I think this is a man! Oh my God!
But, see, I wasnt sure, because you know, she had nice breasts, but shehad real big hands, so you know, I got a little nervous, so you know, Istarted to check her neck for the Adams apple, cause thats what mygranddaddy taught me in fifth grade, If you not sure, you better checktheir neck! So Im tryin to drive, and look all up under her neck,and see her neck, but I couldnt tell, you know. And so then I turnedthe radio down so I could hear a little bit better, you know, cause itwas so loud in the club. And I turned the radio down and I said,Brenda, are you alright? And she was like, [in a fake high-pitchedvoice] Yes, Im fine! I was like, oh, that dont sound right at all!
So my Spidey-sense is tinglin and everything, andbut I dont panic! Idont panic, I just outsmart her. I start winkin at her, I startblowin kisses at her, and I just purposely took my eyes off the roadand I just kept lookin at her. And thats when I let the car driftonto oncoming traffic on the other side of the road. And then thatswhen she said, Hey, hey, hey [his voice very masculine all of asudden] Watch the road, man, you about to kill us! [applause] And I was like, OH! Youre a dude! Youre a man! Get outta my car,you old pretty man. I didnt know what to say to herhimshim, Ididnt know what to say to him.
But Ive been hiding out in my office ever since, and thats pretty muchthe club report. Yeah.
Horatio Sanz: Nightlife correspondent Finesse Mitchell,everybody! [cheers and applause; Horatio pats Finesse on the back asFinesse winks at the audience]
Amy Poehler: It was reported that Michael Jackson is trying toput his child molestation trial behind him, by reinventing himself as awomanizing hip-hop artist. Hell go by the name The NotoriousC.H.I.L.D. M.O.L.E.S.T.E.R. [applause]
Horatio Sanz: A defense attorney in Pennsylvania has asked ajudge to bar any reference to his clients nickname in an upcomingmurder trial, saying that jurors might prejudge someone called Scuz. Unfortunately, the mans real name is Stabby von Killerson.
Amy Poehler: The maker of Kids Beer, a Japanese soft drink thatlooks like beer and tastes like Coke, plans to market the beverage inEurope and the United States. You know, it has a catchy jingle, but itdoes give a little bit of a mixed message. Its like, Kids Beer isgoodits not beerbut its good beer, beer is goodnot for kidscoolkids drink beerKids Beerit looks like beerdont drink itItsdelicious! [applause]
Horatio Sanz: Thats a catchy jingle.
Amy Poehler: Yeah, it is!
Horatio Sanz: In an interview, hip-hop mogul Suge Knight said heis considering quitting rap in a few years, and becoming a collegefootball coach. And to show hes serious, hes already shot JoePaterno. [some applause]
Amy Poehler: Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher were married Saturdayin a super-secret, Kabbalah-style wedding in California. At thereception, Bruce Willis gave a heartfelt, 35-minute smirk.
Horatio Sanz: Chinese scientists will use GPS technology toobserve the sexual practices of giant pandas I dont have a joke, Ijust think thats cool I wanna keep my eye on that I like to watch Ilike to watch bears screw [cheers and applause]
Amy Poehler: He does. He sure does.
Now I would, uh, like to take a moment to introduce our two new featuredplayers, Bill Hader and Andy Samberg.
[Pan to Bill and Andy. Applause. They both wave to the camera]
Bill Hader: Hello! Hi everybody.
Andy Samberg: Hi!
Bill Hader: Hi, uh, Im Bill Hader.
Andy Samberg: And Im Andy Samberg, and it is good to be here!
Amy Poehler: Now I- now I know Bill here is an impressionist, butI understand Andy also does some great impressions.
Andy Samberg: Uh, thank you Amy. I do, and in fact, we thoughtitd be fun to have a friendly new-guy impression-off. Um, so, actuallyAmy, if youd be so kind as to judge?
Amy Poehler: Oh yeah, absolutely, why not? Uh, time for aWeekend Update Impression-Off. Lets do it!
[title card is shown, with trumpet fanfare; applause]
OK, alright. Alright, Bill, you go first.
Bill Hader: OK, uh, Peter Falk. [hunches over and crosses hiseyes] Lessee, jeez, this guy, this guys WACKO, I tell ya, hes reallyWACKO! Thank you. [applause]
Amy Poehler: That was really good.
Bill Hader: Thank you.
Andy Samberg: Alright, alright. Pretty good, but, uh, how abouta little Jack Nicholson? [clears his throat] Alright, here we go.[without changing his voice at all] Hey, hows it going? Im JackNicholson. Wazzup!!
[Amy and Horatio burst out laughing. Applause. Bill is clearlyunimpressed]
Bill Hader: OK, uh, my next impression is acclaimed English actorJames Mason I have told you before, Lolita, no boys! Thank you.[applause]
Andy Samberg: That was- that was good, but uh, how about a littledash of Julia Roberts? [clears his throat] Hey, hows it going? ImJulia Roberts, the Pretty Woman. Wazzup!!
Amy Poehler: Ha ha ha! Thats hilarious!
Horatio Sanz: Wazzup!!
Amy Poehler: Wazzup!! I love that!
Bill Hader: [clearly confused] OK, uh, for my final impression,Mr. Christopher Walken.
Amy Poehler: Wait! No! No, Bill, Andy should do Christopher Walken!
Horatio Sanz: Yeah, let Andy do it!
Amy Poehler: Yeah!
Andy Samberg: Uh, OK, heres Christopher Walken!
Hey, Im Christopher Walken. You know, Im in lots of movies and junk,Wazzuuuuuppp!! [his tongue hanging out; applause]
Bill Hader: OK
Amy Poehler: Ha ha! He sounded just like him! Wazzup!!Wazzup!!
Bill Hader: OK, you guys, that sounds nothing like ChristopherWalken. And wazzup, thats like a beer commercial from, like, sevenyears ago!
Amy Poehler: Wow, looks like we got a little new guy rivalry.
Andy Samberg: Yeah, maybe your last name suits you, hater!
Bill Hader: [annoyed] Its Hader with a d.
Andy Samberg: [as Bill] Its Hader with a d, Wazzup!![applause]
Amy Poehler: Oh my God! He sounded just like you! He nailedyou!… [calms down] And the winner is Bill Hader.
Horatio Sanz: Yeah.
Andy Samberg: Yeah.
Amy Poehler: Yeah. Bill Hader and Andy Samberg, everyone!
Andy Samberg: New guys! [cheers and applause]
Horatio Sanz: A team of climate experts reported Wednesday thatthe floating cap of ice at the North Pole shrank this summer to itssmallest size in at least a century. Then again, what wouldnt shrinkin water that cold? Ha ha, you know what Im sayin?
Amy Poehler: You know, uh, when I saw it, you were in a sauna, so
Horatio Sanz: Well, you know, uh, thats what they say. Eitherreally hot or really cold heh heh.
Amy Poehler: Is that what they say? [Horatio looks down, embarrassed]
A man returned to his exclusive Hamptons beachfront house after thesummer to find a Bohemian couple having sex in his garden and living inhis home for free. At which point, me and my old man hightailed itoutta there! [some applause]
Rosie ODonnell has joined Harvey Fierstein in the Broadway revival ofthe musical Fiddler on the Roof. Consequently, the roof is now sagging.
For Weekend Update
Horatio Sanz: Im Horatio Sanz.
Amy Poehler: And Im Amy Poehler. Good night and have a pleasanttomorrow.
[cheers and applause; fade]
Submitted by: Mike Arroyo
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 2
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
October 8th, 2005
Jon Heder
Ashlee Simpson
None
Lorne Michaels
Liz Cackowski Harriet Miers Nomination
Summary: Vice-President Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) advises President George W. Bush (Will Forte) that his selection of Harriet Miers (Rachel Dratch) may have been an unwise move.
Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Dick Cheney.
Transcript
MontageNote: Tina Fey and Maya Rudolph are credited even though they’re both absent from the episode for maternity leave.
Note: Chris Parnell is not credited for this episode.
Jon Heder’s Monologue
Summary: During an audience Q&A session, Jon Heder stresses that “Napoleon Dynamite” was not based on real people, but his friends Leopold Samsonite (Jason Sudeikis), Jose (Fred Armisen) and Kip (Will Forte) try to prove him wrong.
Bio: Jon Heder (1977-). Actor; starred in last summer’s independent film “Napoleon Dynamite.”
Transcript
Taco Town
Summary: The world’s largest taco is stuffed to the max with one unhealthy layer after another.
Note: In its original broadcast, a control room glitch caused the fake ad to be interrupted midway by the bumper graphic for the Wilson Bros. Funeral home sketch.
Note: This ad parody was cut after last week’s dress rehearsal.
Transcript
Kaitlin
Summary: Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) presents a fourth grade science project on insects.
Recurring Characters: Kaitlin, Rick.
The Werewolf
Summary: In anticipation of the full moon, a man (Jon Heder) tells his date (Amy Poehler) that he was once bitten by a werewolf and will soon transform. But, because it was only a small bite, the man only grows a hideous moustache.
Transcript
The Misadventures of Tom Delay and Bill Frist
Summary: Tom Delay (Jason Sudeikis) and Bill Frist (Will Forte) hit the road “Thelma & Louise”-style.
Recurring Characters: Tom Delay, Bill Frist, Bill Clinton.
¡Show Biz Grande Explosion!
Summary: Ferecito (Fred Armisen) teases Manuel Pantalones’ (Horatio Sanz) cousin (Bill Hader), and tells guest Jon Heder that Pedro should have been the star of “Napoleon Dynamite.”
Recurring Characters: Ferecito, Manuel Pantalones.
Ashlee Simpson performs “Catch Me When I Fall”
First Performed: 10/23/04.
Lyrics
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Summary: Horatio Sanz continues to substitutes for Tina Fey, who’s on materinty leave. Former food court employee, Tim Calhoun (Will Forte) announces his candicacy for the Supreme Court. In an Update Flashback, Lorne Michaels skirts sexual harassment by teasing Amy Poehler about not wearing a bra.
Recurring Characters: Tim Calhoun.
Transcript
Wilson Bros. Funeral Home
Summary: A group of friends come together in the event of another’s death, but, as the days pass, each member of the group ends up in the casket, until (Jason Sudeikis) suspects foul play. Are the deaths coincedental, or is the gang unwitting victims of a commercial?
Note: Production gaffes abound in great numbers, as cameras focus on actors who aren’t speaking and Rachel Dratch can be glimpsed climbing into her coffin and laughing along with Amy Poehler.
Transcript
Hubbard Systems
Summary: The head (Seth Meyers) of the Hubbard Systems retreat seminar comments on the IT technicians who played pranks on the corporate board members who drank too much during the Hawaiian party the night before.
Transcript
Ashlee Simpson performs “Boyfriend”
Lyrics
Operator Date
Summary: Shy Gary (Jon Heder) is set up on a blind date with Julie (Rachel Dratch), who not only records voice greetings for various companies, but speaks in the same monotone voice when out in public.
Recurring Characters: Julie.
Transcript
The Black Eyed Peas
Summary: An appearance by The Black Eyed Peas (Amy Poehler, Finesse Mitchell, Kenan Thompson, Jon Heder) will liven up any party — order them today.
Goodnights
Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Open Mic NightSummary: Would-be comedians fail miserably when a bar owner (Jason Sudeikis) holds an open mic night.
Wool SweaterSummary: Keith (Jon Heder) works himself into a frenzy at a Christmas party while waiting to impress his girlfriend, Carrie (Amy Poehler) with his new wool sweater.
Note: This sketch was originally cut from the dress rehearsal of the Steve Carell episode, but later appears in the episode hosted by Dane Cook.
ElevatorSummary: A woman’s (Rachel Dratch) date (Jon Heder) fails to impress her building’s other tenants or her elevator operator (Kenan Thompson).
Hit ManSummary: Hit man Mr. Franco’s (Horatio Sanz) task of killing Gordon the snitch (Fred Armisen) is delayed by the incessant laughter of his henchman, Marty (Will Forte).
Note: An altered version of this sketch will air on the episode hosted by Lance Armstrong.
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Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 2
05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson
Harriet Miers Nomination
Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
President George W. Bush…..Will Forte
Harriet Miers…..Rachel Dratch
Alberto Gonzalez…..Horatio Sanz
[ open on exterior, White House, evening ]
[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office ]
Dick Cheney: Uh, Mr. President, before wem eet with Harriet Miers, we should go over what we need to talk to her about.
President George W. Bush: [ looking over notes ] Harriet Miers is a highly qualified judicial nominee.
Dick Cheney: Well, uh, George, you understand that by making this pick we’re opening ourselves to accusations of cronyism.
President George W. Bush: Well, how can you say that? I made this choice based on resume.. and experience. You know, how was I to know that of all of the lawyers and judges in this great country, the most qualified would be my own legal adviser. I mean, what are the odds?
Dick Cheney: You see, that’s what I’m talking about, Sir. If there is even a whiff of impropriety —
President George W. Bush: Dick, relax. You know, I’ll play it down. This wasn’t a choice based on friendship. We’re not even that close. [ presses intercom ] Ashley, send in Ms. Miers.
[ Harriet Miers enters the room, a wide smile on her face ]
Harriet Miers: Bushy!
President George W. Bush: [ equally excited ] Come ‘ere! [ lifts Harriet into his arms ]
Harriet Miers: [ giggling ] Oh, come on, Bushy, put me down!
President George W. Bush: Oh, uh-uh. I want an up-close look at the next member of the United states Supreme Court.
Dick Cheney: [ concerned ] Mr. President, this is exactly what I’m talking about. Could you, uh —
President George W. Bush: what? There’s nothing wrong with this. This is just your garden variety President/judge stuff.
Dick Cheney: Put her down, Mr. President.
President George W. Bush: Uh-uh!
Harriet Miers: Oh, put me down, Sir.
Dick Cheney: [ sternly ] Mr. President.
President George W. Bush: Okay, Dick. [ lowers Harriet to the ground ]
Harriet Miers: Oh, thank you, Sir.
President George W. Bush: Alright, sit down over here on this couch. [ they sit on the couch together ] Alright, Harriet, we just wanted to talk to you before things got too crazy, because over the next couple of months people are gonna be digging into your background.
Harriet Miers: Oh, uh.. that won’t be a problem because, I don’t know if you boys have heard, but, uh.. I don’t have a background. [ she laughs ]
President George W. Bush: isn’t she perfect?
Dick Cheney: Yeah. Be a lot easier If she wasn’t such a close friend.
President George W. Bush: I don’t get it, Dick. You know, I don’t know why everyone says that cronyism is a bad thing. You know, I’m a crony. You’re a crony. This is what we do. Cronyism. Do you think I got into Yale because of my grades? No. I cronied my way in there. You think I got to own a baseball team because I’m a good baseball team owner? Big time crony on that one. Now, hey, you know, look at me now: I’m the President of the United states. You can’t get cronier than this.
Dick Cheney: You’re right there. But it didn’t work out so well with your Buddy Michael brown running FEMA.
President George W. Bush: I chunked it on that one, Dick. Maybe I.. I should have looked harder for a better man but you know me, I don’t like to look harder. You know, for instance, you know I like the Outback Steakhouse. You could.. tell me that the best restaurant in the world is across the Street. But If thehere is an Outback Steakhouse on my side of the street, that’s where I’m eating. I trust it. I like their steaks.
Dick Cheney: I like the Bloomin’ Onion. [ Laughs ] That’s good eatin’!
President George W. Bush: Yes, it is, Dick. All right. But you see what I’m getting at. You know, why look for a five-star restaurant when I got an Outback Steakhouse sitting right here. You know?
Harriet Miers: Thank you, Sir.
President George W. Bush: You know, frankly, I don’t think cronyism will even be an issue with Harriet.
Harriet Miers: Oh, thank you.
Dick Cheney: All right. Good enough for me. Thanks for stopping by, Harriet. Good luck with the confirmation. I think you’ll do just fine. [ Harriet exits the room ] Oh, uh.. Mr. President, Alberto Gonzalez is outside.
President George W. Bush: Oh. Send him in, Dick.
Dick Cheney: Alberto, you’re on.
[ an unhappy Alberto Gomez enters the room ]
President George W. Bush: Alberto. My old Buddy. How long you been waiting out there?
Alberto Gomez: Two weeks.
President George W. Bush: [ smiles ] Get over here! [ Alberto steps closer ] Look, you know.. you’re not.. mad about being passed up for the supreme court again, are you? [ Alberto is silent ] Come on, don’t be like that, Alberto. You’re one of my cronies. You know, maybe there will be another opening in the supreme court. Justice Stevens tripped on the steps the other day. That’s never a good sign. Come on, crony Buddy. [ Alberto is silent ] Say something. Anything.
[ Alberto speaks at last: ]
Alberto Gomez: “Live, from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”
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Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 2
05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson
Operator Date
Gary…..Jon Heder
Julie…..Rachel Dratch
Waiter…..Bill Hader
[ open on interior, coffee shop. Julie sits alone at table as Gary approaches. ]
Gary: Hi, I’m Gary. You must be Julie.
Julie: [ in a monotone voice ] Hi, I’m Julie.
Gary: [ sits ] Nice to finally meet you. I haven’t been on a blind date in a while. So, Doug told me you work in Customer Service?
Julie: That’s right. I do the voice recordings for companies such as United Airlines, Blue Cross and Amtrak.
Gary: Wow, Amtrak. Well, then I guess I have talked to you before.
Julie: I’m sorry, I didn’t get that.
Gary: Oh. [ awkward beat ] Nothing. Stupid joke.
[ Waiter approaches ]
Waiter: Hi. Can I get you something to drink?
Gary: Um.. what do you think, Julie? A latte or a cappuccino, or something?
Julie: Did you say latte or cappuccino?
Gary: Uh.. well, I said both. Do you want a latte or cappuccino?
Julie: My mistake. Cappuccino would be great.
Gary: Two, please.
[ Waiter retreats ]
Julie: Gary, before we go any further, let me get some information.
Gary: Sure.
Julie: Please say your age.
Gary: Oh, yeah! I get that a lot. I know I look young, but I’m actually 29.
Julie: I think you said 19. Did I get that right?
Gary: No, 29.
Julie: I think you said 9. Did I get that right?
Gary: No. Wow. 29.
Julie: Okay. Got it. Sorry. It’s pretty loud in here.
[ Waiter returns with the cappuccinos ]
Waiter: Here you guys go.
Julie: Mmm. Yum.
[ Waiter retreats ]
Gary: You know, um.. Doug didn’t tell me you were so cute.
Julie: You’re not so bad yourself, Gary.
Gary: Would you, uh, like to, maybe want to go see a movie tonight?
Julie: I’d like that. Let me check the movie listings. What movie would you like to see?
Gary: Have you seen “Flight Plan?”
Julie: Let me look that up for you. One second, please. [ holds up a newspaper ] Here it is: “Flight Plan” is playing at 7:15.. 8:45.. 10:00.. and 11:15.
Gary: Uh.. let’s do 7:15.
Julie: Okay. This is a great date.
Gary: It really is. Julie, you know, I’m kind of shy —
Julie: Got it.
Gary: Uh.. since my last relationship —
Julie: Got it.
Gary: — I haven’t been able to ask anyone out —
Julie: Got it.
Gary: That’s why Doug —
Julie: Got it.
Gary: — had to do it for me.
Julie: Got it.
Gary: Anyway, I just feel really lucky to have met you.
Julie: That’s so sweet. Please say that again.
Gary: I feel real lucky to have met you.
Julie: Thank you.
Gary: So, should we go to the movie?
Julie: Let me see If I have this correct: I think you said you wanted to go.. back to my place. Did I get that right?
Gary: Yes, you sure did.
Julie: Okay. Got it.
[ they exit the coffee shop ]
[ fade ]
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Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 2
05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson
Goodnights
…..Jon Heder
Jon Heder: I want to thank Ashlee Simpson! [ she grins and nods ] I want to thank the cast, I’ve had an awesome week! Everybody, good night!
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