Category: 2005

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 7

05g: Dane Cook / James Blunt

The Coma

Girlfriend…..Amy Poehler
Doctor…..Chris Parnell
Jerry…..Dane Cook
Kevin…..Will Forte

[ open on exterior, Good Samaritan Hospital, zoom forward ]

[ dissolve to interior, hospital room, as Girlfriend rushes in to meet the Doctor sitting next to comatose Jerry, who lies in a hospital bed ]

Girlfriend: Doctor, I came as soon as you called!

Doctor: We’re seeing some signs that your boyfriend may be waking up.

Girlfriend: Oh, my God. I thought this day would never come.

[ suddenly, Jerry comes back to life with a series of rough, staggering coughs ]

Jerry: [ dazed ] Where am I?

Girlfriend: Jerry!

Jerry: What happened?

Girlfriend: You were in a coma.

Jerry: Can I have some water? [ Girlfriend gives him a glass of water ] What happened?

Girlfriend: Sweetheart, you were in a horrible karaoke accident.

Jerry: [ lapping up the water ] I was so drunk. What day is it? Oh, God, how long have I been out for?

Doctor: 24 hours. It was very touch and go.

Jerry: [ reaching out to Girlfriend ] Oh, thank God that you’re here, babe. This must have been so hard for you.

Girlfriend: Yes.. it was. [ awkwardly ] Um.. We didn’t know if you were gonna wake up, and I had to accept that and move on with my life.

Jerry: [ confused ] Move on with your life?

Girlfriend: Jerry, this is my husband, Kevin.

Kevin: [ steps forward, smiling ] Welcome back, bro.

Jerry: [ outraged ] You got married? I was in a coma for a day!

Girlfriend: It was a long day, Jerry, okay? Kevin was a real comfort to me.

Kevin: Yeah, we hit it off. I saw her in line at Great Adventure, and I knew she was the one.

Jerry: [ offended ] You went to Great Adventure while I was in a coma?!

Girlfriend: [ in her feeble defense ] I was stressed, Jerry! You know I like to ride rollercoasters when I’m stressed!

Jerry: It was one freakin’ day!

Girlfriend: relunctantly ] Jerry, there are a few more things that I have to tell you.

Jerry: Good Lord!

Girlfriend: I sold your car.

Jerry: What?!

Girlfriend: For a dollar.

Jerry: What?!

Girlfriend: Awwww, you know I’m not good at selling things.

Jerry: It was a ’65 Mustang! My Dad gave me that car!

Girlfriend: Please, Jerry. I did what any normal person does when they grieve: I smashed all your records, I buried your golf clubs, I had sex with your brother —

Kevin: [ jumping in ] Which I am fine with, by the way.

Jerry: [ eyes the jacket Kevin is wearing ] Is that my jacket?

Girlfriend: It’s his jacket now. Please don’t yell at my husband.

Jerry: This is crazy! Throughout our whole relationship, I’ve been patient with you, okay? I quit my job for you, I moved here for you, I converted to Christianity for you —

Girlfriend: I know..

Jerry: My God! The penis reduction surgery – for you!

Girlfriend: I know. Thank you for that.

Jerry: This is a steaming pile of bull-crazy!

Doctor: I would watch yourself, Jerry. We don’t want to have to put you back into another coma.

Jerry: What do you mean, put me back into a coma?

Doctor: Well, we medically-induced your coma because you were rude to some of the nurses. These women work hard, and they don’t deserve to be sassed – not on my watch.

Jerry: So, there’s nothing wrong with me?

Doctor: Oh, on the contrary. You had a bad broken toe.

Jerry: Yuo are a terrible doctor!

Doctor: Hmm. And you’re a terrible patient. Keep up that attitude, and you’ll be right back in that coma.

Jerry: [ nonplussed ] You’re threatening me?!

Girlfriend: Sweetheart, look. I can understand that you’re angry. The world has changed, and that must be very scary for you.

Jerry: It was one freakin’ day!

Girlfriend: You missed a lot of thing. You know – your monday night football, the Tuesday morning paper. Our wedding, your funeral —

Jerry: You had a funeral?!

Girlfriend: Don’t worry. I knew you’d be embarrassed about your karaoke accident, so I told everyone that you died from autoerotic asphixiation.

Jerry: [ sarcastic ] Yeah, that’s much less embarrassing.

Doctor: It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Jerry: I’m not ashamed, because I didn’t do it!

Girlfriend: Jerry, it was a great party. Everyone came by and said goodbye to you, we dressed you up like a girl and we took pictures of you.

Kevin: [ proudly ] I won the Limbo contest!

Jerry: Shut it, Kev! [ a beat ] You know what? I think this coma was the best thing that ever happened to me! Because now I get a peak into the darkness which is your stupid, ass-faced head of yours! Okay?! I’m gonna live life to the fullest from now on! I’m gonna bang tons of girls, I’m gonna get back into Motocross, and I’m gonna be Jewish again! But the first thing Im’ gonna do is, I’m gonna kick all three of your asses! [ to Kevin ] Starting with you, pal! [ lunges toward Kevin with his hands clenched ]

Girlfriend: Take it easy, Jerry..

[ Jerry falls to the floor ]

[ dissolve to exterior, Good Samaritan Hospital, zoom forward ]

[ dissolve to interior, hospital room, as Jerry once again lies comatose in his hospital bed. His girlfriend steps forward, now donning reddish hair. ]

[ suddenly, Jerry comes back to life with another series of rough, staggering coughs ]

Jerry: [ immediately ] How lnog was I out?

Girlfriend: 15 minutes.

Jerry: [ looks at her ] You changed your hair?

Girlfriend: Yeah. And I got a divorce.

Jerry: [ relieved ] Oh, thank God.

Girlfriend: But I’m pregnant.

Doctor: [ leans into frame ] And it’s my baby.

Jerry: Nooooooooooooo!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 7

05g: Dane Cook / James Blunt

Fight Back with Victor Ramos

Victor Ramos….Horatio Sanz
Jeremy Oskin….Dane Cook
Nancy Saunders….Amy Poehler

(CAN TV logo)

Announcer: You are watching Can Television. Cable Access of Chicago. Up next Fight Back with Victor Ramos.

(Rock music)

(A dojo like studio with swords and martial arts weapons on the walls. A fist comes out from a door in the back. An attractive business woman sits in the studio)

(Fight Back with Victor Ramos logo)

(Victor Ramos comes out. He´s fat with curly hair and a mustache and also wears a red jacket)

Victor Ramos: Hello everyone. Welcome to Fight Back. I´m your host Victor Ramos. I´m a volunteer neighborhood street guardian. I´m a expert in karate, nunchucks usage, throwing stars and most importantly I am prepared for anything.

Jeremy Oskin: AAAAAHHH!!!!

(A young man wearing the same red jacket attacks Victor rather lamely. Victor blocks the punches)

Victor Ramos: Uh hah! Now allow me to introduce my co-host. He´s my spiritual brother in the struggle against injustice and he´s also the assistant manager of the reptile department at Pet Smart. Please welcome Jeremy Oskin.

(Victor holds up a wooden plank for Jeremy to punch and destroy. Jeremy punches)

Jeremy Oskin: Yiah!(wooden plank is not broken)

Victor Ramos: One more time. (Jeremy punches and it cuts in two) Oh!

Victor and Jeremy: (they bow to each other) Osu.

(They sit)

Jeremy Oskin:(kind of a speech impediment) Thank you for having me in the program. I just like to say a few words. Recently Victor and I we were forced to end our association with the Guardian Angels due to a disagreement over procedure. Apparently it had come to their attention that I was not wearing the proper uniform while patrolling the city´s subway lines.

Victor Ramos: What were you wearing?

Jeremy Oskin: A full rubber Batman costume.

Victor Ramos: And because I was dressed as Robin I had to quit as well. Anyway, let me bring out my first guest. She is the director of security for the Chicago Transit Authority. Miss Nancy–oh, you gonna have to help me with this one. Nancy Squanjack?

Nancy Saunders: Its Saunders. Nancy Saunders.

Victor Ramos: Interesting. Uh, Miss Saunders welcome, now is the city beefing up security in this days of elevated terrorist-s?

Nancy Saunders: Well as of Monday we´ve been performing random bags checks. We´ve also been—

Victor Ramos: Excuse me. Wouldn´t you say the best defense is a strong offense, Miss Squanjack?

Nancy Saunders: Its Saunders.

Victor Ramos: Ok, let me show you a little plan that Jeremy and I have come up with to deal with this suspicious weirdoes. Help me out on this Jeremy.

(Victor and Jeremy get up for a demonstration)

Jeremy Oskin: For this exercise I´ll be playing the good samaritan minding his or her own business. And Victor will be playing an Al-Qaida. (Victor puts on a backpack) “Hey, how are you? What is with that big backpack?”

Victor Ramos: “I´m looking for a place to fix my turban. Can you please tell me where I may find a train full of innocent people?”

Jeremy Oskin: Hmmm. This man says he needs his turban fixed. And that´s weird. Why would he do his business in a train as well? That´s suspicious.

Victor Ramos: Jeremy has realized this is a prime opportunity to quiz the perpetrator.

Jeremy Oskin: “So let me ask you this. Who is the most talented martial artist of all time?”

Victor Ramos: Now, if the perpetrator were to answer anything other than A)Bruce Lee or B)Chuck Norris, he better C) his way out of this country before we kick his ass.

Jeremy Oskin: At which point I would commence my attack with whatever weapons available to me and in this case is a big bag of extra hot Cheetos which I would push into his face. Yipow!(pushes bag into Victor´s face)Then with my trusty throwing star plunge it into his shoulder. Yiah!(he demonstrates) And with my feet and knees which are both registered with the FBI, I would kick his balls.(he demonstrates the stomping)

Victor Ramos: Yes. Now a kick to the testicles is not lethal. Testicles are made out of a spaghetti-o like substance so you would not kill the assailant but merely bring him down.

Jeremy and Victor: Osu. (they bow to each other, sit)

Nancy Saunders: Well, um, that was a wonderful play. But we at the Transit Authority we just can´t randomly attack people.

Victor Ramos: I don´t tell you how to drive a bus. Don´t tell us how to randomly attack people.

Nancy Saunders: I´m not a bus driver. I´m the head of security for the Transit Authority.

Victor Ramos: Whatever you say, Miss Squanjack. If that is your real name.

Nancy Saunders: Its not. Its not my real name.

Victor Ramos: Ok, well that´s all the time we have left. I want to thank my co-host Jeremy Oskin and my special guest Miss Squanjack.

Nancy Saunders: Its Saunders!(almost losing her cool)

Victor Ramos: And remember, when in doubt, fight back. Jeremy, lets show ´em what we got.

(Jeremy starts throwing ninja stars into a target. And Victor demonstrates his nunchucks abilities)

(Fight Back with Victor Ramos logo)

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 7

05g: Dane Cook / James Blunt

Goodnights

…..Dane Cook

Dane Cook: Thanks to James Blunt. And thank you to this amazing cast right here, an unbelievable crew, and all my fans who put me here on “Saturday Night Live.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 7

05g: Dane Cook / James Blunt

An SNL Digital Short

…..Will Forte
…..Andy Samberg
Stranger in background…..Jorma Taccone

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[ dissolve to exterior, apartment building. Pan down to stoop, where Andy sits glumly until Will appears from right and sits beside him ]

Will: Hey.

Andy: Hey.

Will: Got your message. So sorry.

Andy: Thanks. I just keep trying to tell myself he’s in a better place, you know?

Will: You know, it’s all right to feel sad. But the pain goes away. [ holds up a head of lettuce and takes a bite ]

Andy: Yeah. I just wish there was a way to make it go away faster. [ also holds up a lettuce and takes a bite ]

Will: I wish it would, too, bro. I wish it would, too. [ bites into his lettuce ]

Andy: Everytime the phone rings, I keep thinking it’s going to be him, you know? And then I remember. [ bites into his lettuce ]

Will: It’s okay. Let it out. [ bites into his lettuce ]

Andy: [ his mouth full of lettuce as he speaks ] I must look like such an idiot.

Will: Why? Because you care about something, and you’re not afraid to show it? That’s not an idiot. That’s a hero.

Andy: What did I do to deserve you? [ bites into his lettuce ]

Will: You treated me like a friend. [ bites into his lettuce ]

Andy: I don’t know what to say. [ bites into his lettuce ]

Will: Sometimes, you don’t need to say anything.

[ they continue to bit into their heads of lettuce together, as a stranger walks past from the left, also biting into a head of lettuce ]

Announcer: Through good times and bad – lettuce.

[ cut to product graphic, with tag: “Paid for by the United Lettuce Growers Association” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 1


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 1st, 2005

Steve Carell

Kanye West

None

Lorne Michaels

Mike Myers

Adam Levine
NBC Special ReportSummary: President George W. Bush (Will Forte) relunctantly participates in a Q&A session about recent current events.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Tim Russert, Wolf Blitzer, Terry Moran.

Transcript

MontageNote: Tina Fey is credited even though she’s absent from the episode for maternity leave.

Steve Carell’s MonologueSummary: Following his big-screen success as “The 40-Year Old Virgin”, Steve Carell sings about being in league with frat-packers Will Ferrell, Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, and others.

Bio: Steve Carell (1963-). Comedian; auditioned to join cast of SNL in 1995, beat out by Will Ferrell; married to short-term SNL cast member Nancy Walls since 1995; voiced superhero Gary in the Ambiguously Gay Duo” cartoons on short-lived “Dana Carvey Show”, 1996, and SNL, 1996-2002; correspondent on “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart”, 1999-2001; star of the American version of “The Office” since 2005; big-screen credits include “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” (2005).

Also Hosted: 07l.

Transcript

Morgan StanleySummary: Morgan Stanley broker (Will Forte) berates his timid client’s (Fred Armisen) boisterous daughter (Amy Poehler) after school.

Transcript

Jet Blue Flight #292Summary: Female passenger (Amy Poehler) on Jet Blue Flight #292 enjoys the satellite television programming until she views an Aaron Brown (Darrell Hammond) news story revealing that the flight will crash-land. All the while, her oblivious, yet naive, husband (Steve Carell) happily enjoys a variety of entertainment programming.

Transcript

Anderson Cooper 360Summary: Anderson Cooper (Seth Meyers) reports from the floodwaters of New Orleans, as a barrage of inept celebrities build housing for victims of Hurricane Katrina.

Recurring Characters: Tony Danza, Sharon Stone, Al Pacino, Aaron Neville, Geraldo Rivera.

Note: Anderson Cooper says he’s reporting from Jefferson Parish (bordered by Orleans Parish), but, given the set-up and the appearances of Ray Nagin and Aaron Neville, the sketch is more likely set in New Orleans’ Ninth Ward neighborhood, where residential damages match those portrayed in the sketch.

Transcript

The Couple That Should Be DivorcedSummary: Sally (Amy Poehler) and Dan Needler (Seth Meyers) argue with one another while having dinner with recently-engaged friends (Steve Carell, Rachel Dratch).

Recurring Characters: Sally Needler, Dan Needler.

Note: When this sketch was performed last season, Sally and Dan’s last name was “Harrison.”

Transcript

Girls Gone Wild KatrinaSummary: Doug Stanhope (Jason Sudeikis) takes to the floodwaters of New Orleans to hand out rations and rescue Hurricane Katrina victims — aah, aah, aah! But only if those girls flash their boobs!

Transcript

BackstageSummary: Behinds the scenes at Studio 8-H, Maya Rudolph worries that her pregnancy shows, while Lorne Michaels sweats out the possibility of Kanye West causing controversy during his performance. While heading for the stage, Kanye West runs into Mike Myers, whose life hasn’t been easy since they appeared together at the Hurricane Katrina relief telethon.

Transcript

Kanye West performs “Gold Digger” & Touch The Sky”Bio: Kanye West (1977-). Rapper; stirred controversy at the Concert for Hurricane Relief when he proclaimed that “George Bush doesn’t care about black people,” embarrassing fellow presenter, Mike Myers, who was onstage with him at the time.

Also Performed: 07a.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Horatio Sanz substitutes for Tina Fey, who recently gave birth to baby Alice. Horatio Sanz also delivers an editorial about the genius of President Bush. Nightlife correspondent Finesse Mitchell comments on how he accidentally picked up a dude at a club recently. New featured players Bill Hader and Andy Samberg have an Impression-Off.

Transcript

Variety VaultSummary: “The Lundford Twins (Fred Armisen, Steve Carell) Feel Good Variety Hour” returns with another unaired episod from 1967, featuring more unusual song and dance and Granny (Amy Poehler).

Recurring Characters: Henry Quincy Lundford, Lucas Lundford, Granny Crabtree.

TV FunhouseSummary: In a Robert Smigel “Fun With Real Audio” cartoon, Supreme Court nominee John Roberts waffles his responses in a variety of odd situations.

Note: TV Funhouse opens upon return from a commercial break, as it had in its early days, instead of between sketches.

Kanye West and Adam Levine perform “Heard ‘Em Say”Bio: Adam Levine (1979-). Musician; lead singer/guitarist of Maroon 5.

Cameos: 07a.

Debbie DownerSummary: At a wedding reception, Debbie Downer (Rachel Dratch) finds romance with like-minded Bob Bummer (Steve Carell).

Recurring Characters: Debbie Downer.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Katrina RescueSummary: A heroic man (Chris Parnell) goes on a rescue mission in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina and thwarts looters (Kenan Thompson, Finnesse Mitchell).

Taco TownSummary: The world’s largest taco is stuffed to the max with one unhealthy layer after another.

Note: This commercial parody airs on next week’s live show, and repeats a few more times throughout the season.

SonogramSummary: When an expectant mother (Maya Rudolph) goes in for a sonogram, the baby (Rachel Dratch) on the monitor requests that the doctor (Steve Carell) take her mother off Mexican food and Norah Jones music.

Wool SweaterSummary: Keith (Steve Carell) works himself into a frenzy at a Christmas party while waiting to impress his girlfriend, Carrie (Amy Poehler) with his new wool sweater.

Note: This sketch eventually airs in the episode hosted by Dane Cook.

Carol!Summary: Dylan (Steve Carell) is set up on a date with Carol (Horatio Sanz), a cheerful yet skanky overweight woman who changes his life for the better.

Note: This sketch will later air on the episode hosted by Lance Armstrong.

Recurring Characters: Carol, Jim, Amanda.

HospitalSummary: While in the hospital, a man (Horatio Sanz) is treated simultaneously by an optimistic doctor (Steve Carell) and a pessimistic doctor (Chris Parnell).

Talk RadioSummary: Talk radio hosts (Amy Poehler, Seth Meyers, Jason Sudeikis) banter about NBC’s Fall line-up.

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 1

05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West

Anderson Cooper 360

Anderson Cooper…..Seth Meyers
Mayor Ray Nagin…..Finesse Mitchell
Tony Danza…..Fred Armisen
Mamie Thibodeaux…..Maya Rudolph
Cartrell…..Kenan Thompson
Sharon Stone…..Amy Poehler
Al Pacino…..Bill Heder
Ray Romano…..Steve Carell
Aaron Neville…..Horatio Sanz
Geraldo Rivera…..Darrell Hammond

(open on Anderson Cooper doing a show intro standing in front of a rebuilding construction site)

Anderson: Good evening I’m Anderson Cooper. Devastation in New Orleans, families trying to piece their lives together, cars and trees. It’s 7 PM on the east coast, 4 PM on the west. 360 starts now.

(Intro montage of scenes of Katrina devastation with SUPER: Anderson Cooper 360, STATE of EMERGENCY)

Anderson: I’m Anderson Cooper and welcome back to this special edition of 360 from Jefferson Parish, La. I stand here amidst, uh, massive devastation among the ruins of a once great city and yet, somehow, I still manage to look great. I’m here now with New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin. Mayor Nagin, give us an update.

Nagin: (SUPER: Ray Nagin – Mayor of New Orleans) Well… Katrina… oh my god, we were so desperate after Katrina, I asked for 150 million volunteers. That was way too many. So I told everybody to just go home. But then I realized, I shouldn’t have sent everyone home, ya know. We needed some people so, I asked people to come back and it has been an overwhelming show of support, from the whole country. Especially the entertainment community. Although, I DO wanna say, we coulda done without Sean Penn and his boat full of guns. That is not ideal in a crisis situation.

Anderson: So, uh, Mr. Mayor, you have a bit of a celebrity construction crew here.

Nagin: Yes, yes. Despite their general lack of any construction experience, they are helping build this house. I mean, look at that. Tony Danza! (gestures behind him)

(camera and Anderson move back to find Tony Danza working in a long sleeve sport coat – audience applause)

Tony: (thick Italian Danza accent) Hey Anderson! Yeah look at me, I’m really helpin’ out. I’m really doin’ it! (chuckle) Me! Tony Danza!

Anderson: Um uh, it looks like you’re sawing a chair in half Tony. (laughter)

Tony: (stops sawing) It’s the least I could do.

Anderson: Um, let’s take the time to meet the family that will be moving in when this house is finished. This is um, Mamie Thibodeaux (camera moves over to Mamie, pregnant, dressed in curlers and a Miami Heat jersey) um, who completely lost her home in hurricane Katrina but she’s already moving into a new one thanks to the generosity of these very familiar faces. Mrs. Tibodeaux, how are you?

Mamie: (SUPER: MAMIE THIBODEAUX) Well, to think that just a few days ago we didn’t have no house, no food, no clothes… see we still wouldn’t have any clothes if it wasn’t for the good people at the Boudreaux costume shop.

Cartrell: Mama!!

(camera pans over to her 3 young boys, dressed in Halloween costumes, Cartrell dressed as Spongebob Squarepants)

Cartrell: Why I gotta be Spongebob? (laughter & applause)

Mamie: You should just be happy to have clothes on your back Cartrell!

Tony: Hey! (holding up an autographed T-shirt) You guys want a Tony Danza t-shirt?

(All 3 boys shake their heads and mumble no)

Sharon: (off-camera) Ohhh ho! Painting is WONderful!!

(Anderson moves back behind Mamie to Sharon Stone painting a wall and Al Pacino installing a door at a 45 degree angle to the actual door frame)

Anderson: Well uh, this is interesting. Let’s take a look over here. We’ve got a couple of Oscar nominated, uh, carpenters of sorts. We have Sharon Stone & Al Pacino (Al turns around, slouched at the shoulders, and nods at the camera while Sharon smiles widely) um, there we are um.

Sharon: (leaning back and arching her back to talk to the microphone) Hello Anderson!

Anderson: Um, Sharon tell us, do you have any previous experience with construction?

Sharon: (shakes head and chuckles) Absolutely not, but I have partied with a few construction workers.

Anderson: And um, Mr Pacino, um, I’m no expert here, but, I think you’re trying to put a door where a window is supposed to be.

Pacino: Anderson. We are building a new house in New New Orleans. We’ll put the doors wherever we want. (audience chuckles) What?!?! (Pacino turns and looks to his left) Awwww! There a shihtzu stuck in a Spanish oak tree. I go to save that dog. (audience laughs and claps)

(camera pans over and Cartrell has joined Anderson)

Cartrell: Man I’m telling you, he has saved that dog like 5 times already but he keeps goin’ back up in the tree! I’m pretty sure its scared of Pacino.

(gunshot is heard from off camera in direction Pacino went. Cartrell and Anderson cower and look around)

Anderson: Uh we’re hearing some gunshots from outside. Its hard to know exactly what it could be.

(Ray Romano comes around a corner behind Anderson)

Uh hold on I see Mr. Ray Romano is coming inside.

Ray: Yeah, uh hey everybody, its OK. (audience claps in approval of Steve Carell’s impression of Ray Romano’s voice)

Anderson: So uh, tell us Ray, uh, what happened?

Ray: Aaaaaaa, it’s just Sean Penn. He’s shooting at the FEMA helicopters, cause they’re mad that they showed up late.

Anderson: OK, I see and um, what have you been doing out here Ray?

Ray: Aaaaaaa, mostly, trying to keep Sean Penn calm, you know (more gunshots from outside along with helicopters). Its uh, not really working. I better go check on this. On the positive side, I think he’s almost out of ammo.

Anderson: Ok thanks, keep up the good work Ray.

Aaron: (off camera, sung to the tune of “Everybody plays the fool”) “Everybody plays the blues, sometiiiime.”

Anderson: (shakes head) I think we can assume that those dulcet tones can mean only one thing um (Anderson moves to right to find Aaron Neville hammering away) New Orleans’ own Aaron Neville.

(audience cheers)

Aaron: (to the tune of “I don’t know much”) “I don’t know much, but I know how to hammer a nail into a wall, and that may be, all they’re willing to let me do.” (applause as Aaron picks the hammer back up and begins banging).

Anderson: Well from the looks of things, those nails are clearly not going in the right place (the wall has about 30 nails sticking out of it pointing in all different directions) but uh, I think we can rest assured that Mr. Neville’s heart is in the right place. (As he says this, the hammer slips out of Aaron’s hand on the backswing and flies off behind them) Oh my goodness!! Um er, wha, what happened there Mr. Neville?

Aaron: (in Aaron Neville singing style, taking microphone from Anderson) “I got too much cocoa-butter lotion on my hands. Woooo Oooooo!” (hands microphone back to Anderson)

Anderson: (shakes microphone off) People helping people, or more accurately, famous people helping regular people. Its obviously a very exciting time here. (Geraldo Rivera and his cameraman come around the corner behind Anderson and moves up next to him)

Geraldo: This is Geraldo Rivera for FOX news (crowd applause)

Anderson: Actually, no um, its 360 I’m Anderson Cooper (Geraldo turns and looks at him and Anderson sheepishly shies away) um, OK.

Geraldo: I’m reporting live from the cretinous crater of the crescent city catastrophe, where the last few days I’ve saved literally thousands of babies, black babies, white babies, this morning I saved an asian baby. When it comes to saving babies, Geraldo Rivera is colorblind, in fact, I’m about to save this baby right now. (camera pans to one of Mamie’s sons, who is dressed as a baby in yellow PJ’s, blue bonnet and pacifier) He is going to go…

Cartrell: Hey man!

Geraldo: Huh?

Cartrell: He ain’t no baby. He’s 32 years old.

Geraldo: (turns to Cartrell) As you can see, this young man is in the grips of a dastardly delirium brought on by the buffeting blasts of Katrina’s gale force onslaught. My first priority is to get him to safety aboard my flotilla, fashioned from flotsam and jetsam and the silky hairs of my own mustache. (loud gunshots, Geraldo flinches and stays hunched as he and his cameraman hurry off to the right) And that’s it for me, Geraldo Rivera FOX news.

Anderson: (passing Geraldo as he comes back onscreen) Well we will uh, take this as our cue to go as I suspect and… (looks off to the right as we hear sound of a car being started and driven off) yes I’m right, Geraldo has taken our van. This is Anderson Cooper join me tomorrow when I’ll be wearing a new Roberto Cavalli raincoat. You’re watching 360.

(crowd cheers as closing scene SUPER comes up)

Submitted by: Chris Feltham

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 1

05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West

Backstage

…..Maya Rudolph
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Finesse Mitchell
…..Kanye West
…..Mike Myers
…..Steve Carell

(open on Lorne Michaels and Maya Rudolph standing outside Kanye West’s dressing room in the hallway outside the studio. Maya is pregnant and looks to be due any day now.)

Maya: (rubbing her belly) I dunno, I think people can tell.

Lorne: I honestly don’t think so.

Maya: Really? I mean I’m 8 months pregnant, and I think people are kind of on to it by now.

Lorne: I’m standing right next to you and I can’t tell.

(Finesse comes up the hallway and slides past them)

Finesse: Excuse me.

Lorne: Hey! I need you!

Finesse: (pointing at Maya’s belly) I did not do that! (crowd laughs)

Maya: He still works here? (she exits to the front)

Lorne: I need you to do me a favor and check on Kanye, will you?

Finesse: You want me to make sure he’s not gonna say anything crazy before he goes on performance, huh?

Lorne: Exactly, Kee…

Finesse: Finesse!! Look, it’s my third season, Lorne! Finesse!

Lorne: I wasn’t gonna say Kenan. I was gonna say.. (thinking) keeeeep it real.

Finesse: Oh oh ok ok.

Lorne: Just don’t let him know I’m worried. That could make it worse.

Finesse: No no. I got it. I’ll take care of everything.

(Finesse turns and knocks on the door)

Finesse: Knock knock!! (sings) She gives me money!

(Finesse enters the room and the door closes for like a second before Kanye steps out)

Kanye: You sent the black guy in ’cause you thought I was gonna say something crazy?

Lorne: Uh, Kanye LOOK! (points behind the camera, then runs off the other way down the hall)

(Kanye continues down the hall towards the studio. As he turns the corner, while putting on his shades, he comes upon Mike Myers at the craft services, having a coffee. Audience cheers wildly for Mike)

Mike: (awkwardly) So uh… Kanye… hey! So uh… how’s everything goin’? (nervous laugh) I haven’t seen you since uh… when was it?

Kanye: The telethon?

Mike: Oh right. I forgot. The telethon. I got a lotta calls about it. Yeah. Mostly from the FBI and the IRS. They uh… took away my American citizenship (maniacal laughter). Still got my Canadian one to fall back on. You know… I’m a Canuck! Pretty sure my phones tapped. They follow me now.

Kanye: (looking distracted) So uh, everything’s good?

Mike: Yeah, great. (looks like he expects Kanye to slap him)

Kanye: Well uh, party on, Wayne!

Mike: Party on! Party on! (Kanye leaves and Mike turns and begins sobbing on the table)

(crowd claps and Kanye makes his way to stageside entrance)

Steve Carell: Ladies and gentlemen – Kanye West!!

(Kanye comes out and performs “Gold Digger”)

Submitted by: Chris Feltham

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 1

05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West

NBC News Special Report

Tim Russert…..Darrell Hammond
President George W. Bush…..Will Forte
Terry…..Jason Sudeikis
Wolf Blitzer…..Chris Parnell
Nora…..Amy Poehler

[ open on “NBC News Special Report” logo ]

Announcer: This is an NBC News Special Report. Here now, is Tim Russert.

[ dissolve to Tim Russert hunched over at the news desk ]

Tim Russert: Saturday, September 22nd. President Bush, embattled on every front. The war in Iraq. Hurricane Katrina. His top Republican, Tom Delay, asked to step down. And the lowest approval rating of his presidency. Can he, the President, turn it around? The answer is just seconds away. President Bush, speaking live, from the White House. Let’s listen.

[ dissolve to empty podium in the White House press room. Bush approaches the podium. ]

President George W. Bush: Good evening. Before I take any questions, let me just speak to the American people, about the current situation down there in the Gulf. It’s getting better. I’ve been.. to the area. I’ve gone, uh, seven times. [ chuckles ] And I’ve handed out fresh water, to people who needed water. I did this, without my suit jacket on. You know, I know I was a little late getting down there, but, uh.. now I’ve been down there. Seven times. [ holds up seven fingers ] Heck, you know, I might head on back down there tomorrow. That would be eight. [ holds up eight fingers ] You know, whatever it takes. I don’t want to put a number on it. Maybe 10, or 12. You know, people are still trying to get out of there. And I’m going back in. So, you know I’m in total control of this situation.

Now, uh.. here comes the part I hate. Do you, uh.. have.. any questions? [ looks around ] Terry?

Terry: Uh, Mr. President, Democrats and many Republicans are concerned about the amount of spending this administration has been talking about, somewherearound $400 billion, for both the reconstruction and the war in Iraq. Where is this money going to come from?

President George W. Bush: I went through this before, Terry! You know, it’s going to take what it’s going to take! Stop asking where the money is going to come from. You know, Idon’t like that question. You know, the money is going to come.. from.. where money comes from. You know? If you cut taxes, and you spend more, then you get more. That’s simple math. You know, no money coming in. Money going out. It all evens out. Stupid question. [ looks around ] Blitz?

Wolf Blitzer: Mr. President, if I could, I would like to return to those first few days where it seemed like you and your administration were strangely unaware of the devastation that all of America was seeing on TV. Why do you think the response was so slow coming from the White House?

President George W. Bush: As you may remember, Blitz, when this whole thing started, I was on my usual six-week vacation. You know, like every American takes. You know, I had about a week left. Three days into this terrible tragedy, I made the hard decision to cut my vacation short. You know, I still had two days left. You know, I could have cleared a lot of brush in those two days. But I didn’t. I flew right back to the White House, making sure to fly over the devastation for a quick look-see. You know, when I got back, I sat and waited for someone, anyone, to call FEMA for help and no one called. Not the mayor, not the governor. So I waited some more. Still no call. More waiting. More no calling. Those were hard, hard days. I began to wonder, you know, who’s in charge of this situation? You all know me – I couldn’t wait for ananswer. I sprung into action, and held a speech without my suit jacket on. [ looks around ] Nora?

Nora: Mr. President, many key figures in the Republican Party are under federal investigation. Are you going to hold men like Karl Rove responsible for his actions if he’s found guilty?

President George W. Bush: Well, as you know, uh, Karl is currently under investigation, and it’s the policy of this administration not to comment on an ongoing investigation.

Nora: Yeah? What about Tom Delay?

President George W. Bush: Also under investigation.

Nora: Bill Frist?

President George W. Bush: Investigation.

Nora: Scooter Libbey?

President George W. Bush: Investigato!

Nora: Jack Abramoff?

President George W. Bush: Oh, I see where you’re going with this, Nora, and I thank you for your question because this is something I want to talk about: 9/11. September 11th was a wake-up call. Katrina was also a wake-up call. And then Rita came along, and it also woke me up. [ chuckles ] I don’t like wake-up calls. I’m a sleeper-Inner. You know, who knows when the next wake-up call is coming? You know, I just hope the next wake-up call is not: “Live, from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 1

05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West

Debbie Downer

MC…..Kenan Thompson
Woman…..Amy Poehler
Man #1…..Fred Armisen
Man #2…..Horatio Sanz
Debbie Downer…..Rachel Dratch
Bob Bummer…..Steve Carell

[open on reception with bride and groom slow-dancing to the side while four attendees are seated]

MC: All right, put your hands together for Mr. and Mrs. Paul Anderson! All right, I will be back in just a bit. Please, enjoy your dinners!

Woman: Aw, you guys, I love weddings!

Man #1: This is one of the best ever!

Man #2: Aw, and don’t they look perfect together?

Debbie Downer: Yeah, but so did Renée and Kenny.

Woman: What?

Debbie Downer: Zellweger and Chesney. They looked great together, too. Let’s just hope this marriage doesn’t end in [air quotes] “fraud.”

Man #1: What?

Debbie Downer: Wish them luck. The only thing higher than gas prices in this country are divorce rates. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]

[dissolve to jingle montage]

Jingle: “You’re enjoying your day. / Everything’s going your way. / Then along comes Debbie Downer. / Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease. / A car accident or killer bees. / You’ll beg her to spare you, “Debbie, please!” / But you can’t stop Debbie Downer!” [zoom on Debbie’s sad face]

[dissolve to reception]

Man #1: Ah, does anyone else need butter?

Debbie Downer: Oh, none for me, thanks. My doctor says, with my arteries in their condition, it’s highly unlikely I’ll live to see seventy. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: high pitched wah wah wahhhhh]

Bob Bummer: [arriving at table] Hi, I guess I’m supposed to be sitting here. I’m Paul’s friend, Bob.

[everyone at table greets him]

Bob Bummer: [sitting] Wow, great wedding. Look at this spread. Could have used all this food at the Superdome. [camera closes in on Bob’s face with drum: bwommmmm] Let’s all have fun tonight. But let’s be vigilant. According to recent Al Qaeda chatter, they’re going to be aiming for smaller targets. Like weddings. [camera closes in on Bob’s face with drum: bwommmmm]

[dissolve to jingle montage]

Jingle: “Boom wakka wakka wakka / You were mindin’ your own bees wax / to the point where you / can re-lax / but you’re gonna get an earful / of bleak facts / from / Bob Bummer.” [zoom on Bob’s frowning face]

[dissolve to reception]

Man #2: Hey, I think the bride and groom should give each other a smooch! What do you think? [everyone clinks their glasses]

Debbie Downer: Hey, do you think Bob’s single? He’s handsome, smart, and charming. Of course, so was Ted Bundy. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]

[Man #2 drops his fork]

Woman: Debbie, why don’t you just go talk to him?

Debbie Downer: Yeah? He does look fun.

Bob Bummer: The problem that really keeps me up at night is feline AIDS. [camera closes in on Bob’s face with drum: bwommmmm]

Debbie & Bob Bummer: It’s the number one killer of domestic cats.

[“meow meowwwww” sound effect as close up cuts from Debbie to Bob, with one “meow” for each]

Debbie Downer: Wow, I haven’t smiled this much since the Scott Peterson verdict. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: quick wah wah]

Bob Bummer: Oh, Debbie, you make me forget that the coming Asian flue epidemic could take a billion lives. [camera closes in on Bob’s face with drum: bwommmmm]

Debbie Downer: I had heard higher. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: high pitched, quick wah wah]

Man #2: All right, I’m out of here. [stands and leaves]

Debbie Downer: Bob, would I be a fool to ask you to hold me all night?

Bob Bummer: Not at all, but I get up a lot due to my problems with frequent urination. [camera closes in on Bob’s face with drum: bwommmmm]

Debbie Downer: Oh, it’s okay. I’m prone to night terrors. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: very high pitched, quick wah wah]

[remaining man and woman stand and leave without another word]

Bob Bummer: Wanna come to my room, and help me inspect my hotel mattress for human stains? I packed a blacklight.

Debbie Downer: [gasps] I’d like that. I’d like that a lot.

[camera closes in on Debbie and Bob’s faces with trumpet and drum simultaneously playing signature sound effects]

[dissolve to end title card with close-up of Debbie and Bob’s faces]

Jingle: “No, you can’t stop Debbie Downer!”

Debbie & Bob Bummer: Wake up. The corn belt is now the crystal meth belt.

[fade]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 1

05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West

Girls Gone Wild Katrina

Doug Stanhope…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on a slideshow of flood footage ]

[ SUPER: “Plaquemines Parish, Louisiana August 30th 2005” ]

Announcer: We were all touched by the devestation that was left in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. So we traveled to New Orleans to help out with..

[ cut to footage of screaming, jiggling girls from the Girls Gone wild videos ]

Announcer: Girls! Gone! Wild! Katrina!

[ slideshow footage of girls flashing themselves with “Never Before Seen Footage”, “Real Girls”, “Sexy” and “Uncensored” tags covering their breasts ]

Announcer: We flew down in our private party plane with t-shirts and bottles of water, to help out real girls who fell victim to a real hurricane!

[ cut to Doug Stanhope cruising through the floodwaters in a speedboat ]

Doug Stanhope: We’re usually known for making tasteless videos, but we want to do something a little classy, something to help out the unfortunate.

[ reveal an attractive blonde in a cowboy hat standing in the floodwaters behind Doug ]

Attractive Blonde: Hey! Can you give me a ride to the shelter?

Doug Stanhope: Absolutely, absolutely! Show me where babies feed!

[ the attractive blonde lifts her shirt to reveal bare breasts underneath an “Uncensored” tag ]

Attractive Blonde: Whooooooo!!!

Doug Stanhope: Yeah-heh-heh!

[ cut to Doug propelling toward two attractive girls standing in floodwater, as he teasingly waves a couple bottles of water ]

Doug Stanhope: Hey! you guys want some “water”? [ winks at the camera ]

Girls: Yes!

Doug Stanhope: Yeah? Well, show me where the milk comes from! Huh?

[ the two attractive girls lift their shirts to reveal bare breasts underneath “Sexy” and “Hot Hot” tags ]

Announcer: Order today! And discover what real girls will do after a Category 4 hurricane!

[ show two girls exposing their breasts underneath “Hot Hot” and “Sexy” tags, as a midget in a snorkel and a referee outfit pops out of the floodwater giving the thumbs-up to the camera ]

[ cut to Doug drifting toward a woman in a rowboat with her back turned toward him ]

Doug Stanhope: Lady! Show me your —

[ the woman, a FEMA representative, turns around and exposes her breasts without having to be asked fully ]

Doug Stanhope: Hey, hey, hey! Alright, FEMA!

[ more footage of girls standing in floodwater exposing their breasts ]

Announcer: All proceeds go towards rebuilding New Orleans’ famed Bourbon Street.

[ the DVD box cover spins onto the screen ]

Announcer: Girls Gone Wild Katrina! And, if you order today, we’ll include Girls Gone Wild Rita! [ the second DVD box cover spins onto the screen ] Both for only $9.99! Order today!

SNL Transcripts