SNL Transcripts: Chris Pratt: 09/27/14: NFL on CBS

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 40: Episode 1

14a: Chris Pratt / Ariana Grande


Jim Nantz…..Beck Bennett
Phil Simms…..Taran Killam
Derrick Watkins…..Kenan Thompson
Kyle Jeffries…..Bobby Moynihan
Terry Pope…..Jay Pharoah
Victor Naples…..Chris Pratt
Calvin Williams…..Kyle Mooney
Marvin Ingram…..Michael Che
Willie Sampson…..Pete Davidson
Jeffrie Wilkins…..Chris Pratt
Terrence White…..Kenan Thompson
Lavar Washington…..Jay Pharoah
Tim Stevens…..Colin Jost
Jacob Reynolds…..Jay Pharoah
Donald Washburn…..Chris Pratt
Wendell Jones…..Pete Davidson
Devin Peters…..Kenan Thompson
Bart Doleman…..Chris Pratt
Barry Jenkins…..Kyle Mooney
Greg Watkins…..Kyle Mooney
Abaskuul Solemon…..Jay Pharoah
Kendrick Douglas…..Kenan Thompson
Mrs. Kendrick Douglas…..Leslie Jones
Melvin McDonald…..Chris Pratt

[ open on “NFL on CBS” graphics ] [ dissolve to booth ]

Jim Nantz: Hello, and welcome to “The NFL on CBS”! I’m Jim Nantz, and with me in the booth is Phil Simms!

Phil Simms: Great to be here, Jim!

Jim Nantz: Obviously, the NFL is under tremendous SCRUTINY right now, with a series of embarrassing scandals over the past few weeks.

Phil Simms: Well, they’re trying their best to move forward and start taking responsibility for their actions.

Jim Nantz: Accountability! That’s what the NFL is all about. And I think you’ll see that reflected in today’s player introductions. First, let’s meet the Baltimore Ravens offense.

[ cut to reel of player introductions, highlighted by quick costume changes as the cameras jump from player to player ]

Derrick Watkins: Derrick Watkins. ASSAULT!

Kyle Jeffries: Kyle Jeffries. Manslaughter!

Terry Pope: Terry Pope. I brought an assault rifle to a barbecue!

Victor Naples: Victor Naples. Whole bunch o’ stuff!

Calvin Williams: Calvin Williams. Loitering with an attempt to murder!

Marvin Ingram: Marvin Ingram. I was accused of assault at THE Ohio State University!

Willie Sampson: Willie Sampson. Treason!

Jeffrey Wilkins: Jeffrey Wilkins. Involuntary prostitution!

Terrence White: Terrence White! I OD’d on penis pills!

Lavar Washington: Lavar Washington. I punched a mailman — That’s FEDERAL, baby!

Tim Stevens: And I’m the punter. Tax fraud!

[ return to the booth ]

Jim Nantz: Wow… Certainly a different line than we’re used to seeing.

Phil Simms: Well, there have been a lot of suspensions, so the teams do look significantly different than they did last week.

Jim Nantz: The players look less athletic.

Phil Simms: I noticed that as well!

Jim Nantz: Now, will the players be discussing the punishments they’ve received for their offenses?

Phil Simms: Uh, no… we’re not gonna… [ he shushes Jim ]

Jim Nantz: Now, let’s meet the visiting Carolina Panthers defense!

[ cut to reel of player introductions, highlighted by quick costume changes as the cameras jump from player to player ]

Jacob Reynolds: Jacob Reynolds. Burned down a strip club!

Donald Washburn: Donald Washburn. American Taliban!

Wendell Jones: Wendell Jones. I love cocaine!

Devin Peters: Devin Peters. Stanford!

Bart Doleman: Bart Doleman. I haven’t done nuthin’ yet… but I’m gonna!

Barry Jenkins: Barry Jenkins. I did some weird stuff on a cruise ship!

Greg Watkins: Greg Watkins. I was on that cruise, too — it was pretty fun!

Abaskuul Solemon: Abaskuul Solemon. Somali pirate!

Kendrick Douglas: Kendrick Douglas. I hit my wife.

Mrs. Kendrick Douglas: And I’m his wife! I hit his ass BACK!!

Melvin McDonald: And I’m Melvin McDonald. I sent a picture of my ding-dong to Michelle Obama. Go Panthers!

[ return to the booth ]

Jim Nantz: Well, as you can see, it’s a whole new era for the National Football League.

Phil Simms: So let’s get you straight to the field for kickoff, and we’ll see you back here for the Bud Light Lime-a-Rita Halftime Show, featuring Chris Brown and a very special tribute to Pac-Man Jones.

Jim Nantz: This is the “NFL on CBS”!

[ dissolve to graphics ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Chris Pratt: 09/27/14: State of the Union

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 40: Episode 1

14a: Chris Pratt / Ariana Grande

State of the Union

Candy Crowley…..Aidy Bryant
Roger Goodell…..Chris Pratt
Ray Lewis…..Kenan Thompson
Shannon Sharpe…..Jay Pharoah

Candy Crowley: Welcome to State of the Union, I’m Candy Crowley. Tonight, the NFL in crisis. Recent incidents of abuse from Ray Rice and Adrien Peterson have taken a toll on the league. Now, I’ll confess: I don’t know a lot about football. My Sundays are reserved for Candy Time. I read Nora Roberts novels while a crack team of Korean ladies rehabilitate my feet. But even I know that this league is in trouble. Earlier today, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell tried to take control of things with yet another press conference. Take a look.

Roger Goodell: This has been a tough couple of weeks. But in time of troubles you learn who your friends are, so I wanna thank all the people who stood by me. Red Skins owner, Dan Snyder. Michael Vick, and Saints coach Sean Payton for not holding me to the same standard that I held him. I appreciate it.

Candy Crowley: Joining me now are NFL veterans former Raven lineback, Ray Lewis.

Ray Lewis: Let’s talk about this, Candy.

Candy Crowley: And Hall of Fame, Shannon Sharpe.

Shannon Sharpe: Well… thank you, Candy. It is absolutely a pleasure to be here. It really is.

Candy Crowley: Alright. First let’s talk about Adrian Peterson who is under investigation for child abuse. Ray Lewis, you’re a parent. Have you felt you went too far in disciplining your own child?

Ray Lewis: Well, Candy, children need an education. One way for them to receive that is by going to school. You wake up, you feed the child, get the child dressed send them off.

Candy Crowley: Ok, yes, but I’m asking about you. Have you ever used corpral punishment on a child?

Ray Lewis: A child has a book bag, lunch box, brand new clothes, and I provide those things. So, when you’re talking about teaching somebody something, that’s what we’re paying attention to.

Candy Crowley: Yes, but, what I’m asking is, what about you? Have you ever, say, had a legal problem that might have disrupted your time?

Ray Lewis: I know what you’re getting at. And let me perfectly clear. School buses are yellow, or sometimes orange, depending. Bus pulls up, child gets on. Child goes off to school.

Candy Crowley: Ok, Shannon Sharpe, is this a common problem in the NFL? Have you ever had legal troubles yourself with a spouce or child?

Shannon Sharpe: Candy, look, look… I have never had any legal trouble on my own, dating all the way back to 2010 when I did have some legal problem, so yes, yes.

Candy Crowley: Mr. Sharpe, Why is this such an ongoing problem?

Shannon Sharpe: Well, well, well… I believe… Candy, players in the NFL are trained to be aggressive, ok? When you get off that field you’re full of adrenaline, testosterone, painkillers and Budlight Lime. Ok? The NFL needs to calm these players down, you know, maybe have some herbal tea or a soothing light show. The posibilities go to infinity, Candy.

Candy Crowley: Alright. Let’s look at another clip from Roger Goodell, who I think announce more steps that the NFL is taking on domestic abuse.

Roger Goodell: We want to be part of the solution, so the NFL is organising its own ”Take Back The Night” march on October 8th. What this says is ”We Fight Women”. Oh, excuse me, “We Fight 4 Women”. We Fight Four Different Women? I… No? Yeah, of course not… I’m so sorry…

Candy Crowley: Whatever Goodell is saying he’s certainly firm about it. Ray Lewis, I’ve just been told you did have some legal trouble when you were arrested in 2000. Is this a systemic problem?

Ray Lewis: Schoolbus pulls up. The child goes inside.

Shannon Sharpe: Candy, Candy, may I say something?

Candy Crowley: Yes, I’m sorry, Mr. Sharpe, Did your bowtie just get bigger?

Shannon Sharpe: Ok, Candy… this is a society-wide issue, ok? NFL can possibly solve it, so I’m looking forward to all being solved by the NFL very soon, yes I am.

Candy Crowley: Alright. Let’s take a break to sort this out but first, live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Sarah Silverman: 10/04/14

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 40: Episode 2

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

October 4th, 2014

Sarah Silverman

Maroon 5




60 MinutesSummary: Steve Kroft (Beck Bennett) grills President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) about White House Secret Service gaffes.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.


Sarah Silverman’s MonologueSummary: Sarah Silverman seeks praise from a female audience member before taking questions from her younger self in the audience.


The Fault in Our Stars 2Summary: Cancer teen Theodore (Taran Killam) is repulsed to discover he’s entered a relationship with Ebola teen Olive (Sarah Silverman).

Joan RiversSummary: Joan Rivers (Sarah Silverman) arrives in Heaven and begins to roast other celebrities.

Recurring Characters: Joan Rivers, Benjamin Franklin, Steve Jobs.


WhitesSummary: White dominance won’t last much longer, so let’s all enjoy it while we still can!

Forgotten TV GemsSummary: A look back at an unsuccessful daytime soap opera that portrayed women as friendly toward one another instead of catty and bitchy.

Maroon 5 performs “Animals”

Weekend Update with Colin Jost & Michael CheSummary: Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson). Colin Jost checks with Michael Che to see which black words he can get away with using as a white man. Garage (Kate McKinnon) & Her (Sarah Silverman).

Recurring Characters: Al Sharpton.

RiverboatSummary: A trio of Tina Turner impersonators (Sasheer Zamata, Cecily Strong, Sarah Silverman) lament their lives as they perform “Proud Mary”.

Car RideSummary: Girl’s (Sarah Silverman) confession of overseas infidelity leads to unanounced family turmoil during the ride home from the airport.

PoemSummary: After (Kyle Mooney) discovers he shares a common interest with Ashley (Sarah Silverman), he’s beat up by her jealous boyfriend (Beck Bennett).

Maroon 5 performs “Maps”

VitamixSummary: In an infomercial, (Vanessa Bayer) touts the overpriced blender that her friend (Sarah Silverman) can’t afford.


Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Sarah Silverman: 10/04/14: Goodnights

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 40: Episode 2

14b: Sarah Silverman / Maroon 5


…..Sarah Silverman

Sarah Silverman: Thank you SO much! Thank you to Maroon 5! Thank you to the cast, to Lorne Michaels… to everybody in the world! And, uh… [ she shrugs ] And that’s it.

SNL Transcripts