Category: 2014

Dance Vlog

Janelle… Sasheer Zamata

Teddy Pascalis… Kyle Mooney

Dad… Chris Rock

Michael… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Jannele starting her youtube video]

Janelle: What’s up YouTube? It’s your girl Janelle, A.K.A. Nasty-nelle, A.K.A. Janelle. And I’m pumped to bring you my Dad00th dance tutorial. Shoutout to whoever started that countdown to my Janelle8th birthday. Don’t know what that’s about but whatever. We’re live streaming today, so holla at me in the comment section. And holla at my best friend, he’s one of my day ones. His name is Teddy Pascalis, A.K.A. Pants Gets Wets.

Teddy Pascalis: Nobody calls me that anymore.

Janelle: Yes they do. Anyway, we’re gonna learn the Nae Nae today. A move that came from early African dance, or Miley Cyrus.

[Teddy Pascalis walks in front of the camera]

Teddy Pascalis: Yes, and just so you guys know, dancing is one of my biggest fears. Right after spiders and my older brother Dyan. But I’ll do it for you. [stares at Janelle] I’ll do anything for you.

Janelle: [not noticing] I know, you say it everyday. Okay, [music starts] in order to Nae Nae, [Janelle and Teddy Pascalis stand to dance] you gotta put one arm up like this, right? Teddy, put a little higher. Now, start moving your hips. It’s real easy. All right, get in there. [Janelle is dancing but Teddy Pascalis is just moving his body.]

[Dad opens the door and enters the room]

Dad: Hey, hey, Janelle. You’re Janelle5 now. You cannot have the door closed. And there’s a boy in your room. Dad! Oh my god! [music stops] He’s not a boy. He’s just Teddy.

Teddy Pascalis: Yeah.

Janelle: Can you please leave? It’s live streaming.

Dad: Oh, I’m not going anywhere. Your brother told me you’re up here dancing on the internet.

[Michael peeking from the door]

Michael: I did. I told on you. Ooh! You in trouble. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Dad: Michael! Go sweep the driveway.

Michael: Dad! That’s not even a real chore.

Dad: What’s all this?

Janelle: Those are my fans, dad. They are just commenting on the video.

Dad: Okay. [Dad comes close to the computer] Who is Nuggettugget9-5, and why is he saying, “#woodbang”? What the hell is fap? I’m fapping. She makes me wanna fap. Michael! [Michael runs in] What’s fap mean?

Michael: Um, it’s what you caught me doing in my bedroom and we still haven’t talked about it.

[Michael runs out]

Dad: What? Hey, no fapping!

Janelle: Dad, you’re embarrassing me in front of my just my friend.

Teddy Pascalis: I love you.

Janelle: Argh! Dad, can I just finish doing the Nae Nae?

[Janelle starts dancing a little]

Dad: That’s too grown!

Janelle: Okay fine. I’ll show you guys the copperhead. It’s easy. It’s like a standing push up. I barely even move.

Dad: I’m watching you.

[Janelle is showing how to do the copperhead]

Teddy! Keep your hands out of pockets!

Janelle: Okay, let’s try with the music. [music starts and Janelle starts the move]

[Janelle starts to shake her butt turning back]

Dad: No, no, no, no! [Dad runs to the computer and starts pressing random buttons on the keyboard.]

Janelle: Dad!

Dad: What’s happening? [He turned the video black & white]

Janelle: Dad! You’re changing the filter. Dad! Stop it!

Dad: Janelle. Either you don’t realize how much your body has matured over the summer, or you’re literally trying to kill me.

Janelle: Dad, there’s nothing sexy about that dance.

Dad: Oh, yeah? Teddy, stand up!

[Teddy is sitting with a pillow covering his lap to stomach.]

Teddy Pascalis: No, thank you sir.

Janelle: What dance am I supposed to do, dad? This is a dance vlog, and it means everything to me.

Dad: Okay, I’ll show you what dancing is. Put on some song.

[Janelle plays a music]

[Dad looking at the camera] No fapping!

[Dad starts dancing]

See Janelle? This is dancing. Whoo! [Janelle starts dancing like her dad] Get it! There you go!

[Janelle slowly starts moving her body differently and then dances her own dance.]

Hey! Hey! Stop it!

Janelle: I can’t help it, dad. This is what my body wants to do.

Dad: Do you want me to send you to Catholic school?

Janelle: Oh, my god! Dad! You ruined this for my 3 million viewers. I hate you.

[Janelle walks out]

Dad: 3 million? Teddy go home.

Teddy Pascalis: Still not a great time for me to stand up sir.

Dad: Oh, Teddy! [looking at the computer] How do you turn this thing off?

[Dad presses a button and changes the filter again.]

Ha-ha-ha-ha. I look crazy. The show is over.

[Live stream on YouTube ends.]

GoProbe

Jamie Fordyce…Taran Killam

TY Brown… Kyle Mooney

Rawson Silver… Beck Bennett

Doctor… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a picture of GoProbe]

[Cut to Jamie Fordyce with a surfing board wearing a surfing suit]

Jamie Fordyce: I’ve been doing this for long time, and there’s never been a camera like GoProbe.

[Cut to video clips of Jamie Fordyce surfing on the ocean waves]

[Cut to TY Brown with his skateboard]

TY Brown: Goes where you go, sees what you see.

[Cut to video clips of TY Brown skateboarding]

[Cut to Rawson Silver with his skiing board]

Rawson Silver: Is there anything GoProbe can’t do?

[Cut to video clips of Rawson Silver skiing]

[Cut to Jamie Fordyce]

Jamie Fordyce: I’ve had adventures all over the world, but when I turned 40, that was a whole new adventure.

[Cut to TY Brown]

TY Brown: I’m not scared to do a 960, but one thing that does scare me is my family’s history of calling cancer.

[Cut to Rawson Silver]

Rawson Silver: That’s why I use Go-Pro. [Cut to commercial shot of GoProbebe with it’s subtitle- ‘For Colonoscopy’]

Narrator: The first GoProbe camera for colonoscopies.

[Cut to Rawson Silver jumping around in a hospital]

Nurse: You ready sir?

Jamie Fordyce: Yeah, Drop in.

[Nurse starts the colonoscopy process]

Ouch!

[Cut to TY Brown lying down in a hospital, raising his legs upwards]

Doctor: Put your legs down sir.

[Cut to Jamie Fordyce in a hospital doing his colonoscopy]

Jamie Fordyce: Now, if I’m not bleeding or boarding, every six months, I’m splunking.

[Cut to Rawson Silver in mountain]

Rawson Silver: This ain’t your grandpa’s colonoscopy.

[Cut to old black&white video where they’re using huge filming camera for colonoscopy.]

[Cut to Jamie Fordyce on a beach]

Jamie Fordyce: You’ll be so stopped by the crystal clear picture, you’ll almost forget there’s a camera Rawson Silver feet up your butt.

[Cut to Jamie Fordyce, TY Brown and Rawson Silver drinking beer on a sofa watching TV]

Narrator: And, you can take the footage home and mess around with it.

[Cut to TY Brown at skateboarding park]

TY Brown: Plus, the 4k resolution makes the diagnosing problem hell simple.

[Cut to the doctor and Rawson Silver in the hospital]

Rawson Silver: Sick!

Doctor: Yes!

[cut to the GoProbe video bumper]

Narrator: Go deeper! GoProbe.

Chris Rock Monologue

Chris Rock

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Rock!

[The band is playing music]

[Chris Rock walks in and to the stage.]

[cheers and applause]

Chris Rock: Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you all. Hey, hey! I’m so excited. It’s great to be back. Great to be in New York. Great to be at Saturday Night Live. It’s great to be here the day after Halloween. I can’t believe some of y’all made it. [audience laughing] You know, yesterday was Halloween. Tomorrow’s the New York city marathon. Yes, scary.

What could go wrong there, right? New York’s gonna be fine. Just like Boston’s fine after the marathon. That Boston marathon was scary. That was scary, man. I love Boston. I love the people there. But that was probably the most frightening, sadistic, terrorist attack ever. Just think about it. 26 miles. 26 miles! [audience laughing] 26 miles is a long drive. [audience laughing] If you call up one of you friends and say, “Hey, man, I need you to pick me up.” “Where you at?” “About 26 miles away!” “You better get Uber!” 26 miles! People jogging for 26 miles. 26! Their knees are hurting. Their feet are killing them. If you’re a woman, your blood is coming out of your tities. [audience laughing] 26 miles! You’ve been training for a year. You finally get to the finish line and somebody screams, “Run!” Wow!

That is horrible, man! But hey, the good people of Boston bounced back. That’s right. And New York bounced back. That’s right. In New York, we had our own terrorist attack. And we bounced back. That’s right. Now, we got the Freedom Tower. Have you seen the Freedom Tower? You can see it no matter where you at. If you cannot see it from here, then you’re at Connecticut.

Freedom Tower, anywhere you look. They should change that to the Freedom Tower to “Never Going In There Tower.” Because I’m never going in there. [audience laughing] There is no circumstance that will ever get me in that building. Are you kidding me? [cheers and applause] My god! What do they have? Does this building duck? [audience laughing] What are they thinking? Who is the corporate sponsor? Target? [audience laughing] Stop it! In the same spot, they put another skyscraper? What kind of arrogant Floyd Mayweather crap is this? In the same? What businesses are they going to put in the Freedom Tower? They better put some mandatory stuff in there. Stuff that you can’t get out of, like IRS, family court, [audience laughing] DNV. Because if they put sunglass hut in there, it’s going to be empty. [audience laughing] I am never going in the Freedom Tower, man. Are you kidding me? The same spot! Hey, I got robbed in 48th about 20 years ago. I have not been back there. No. I am never going in the Freedom Tower. I don’t care if Scarlett Johansson is butt naked on the 89th floor in a plate of ribs, I’m not going in there. [audience laughing] No, no, no.

People are like, “Come on, man! Don’t joke about the Freedom Tower.” That’s has something to do with 9/11. Hey, I’m not joking about 9/11. I’m not! But you got to realize, we are in America. And in America, there are no sacred days because we commercialize everything. We’re only 5 years away from 9/11 sales. [audience laughing] That’s right, you’re going to hear it on the radio, “Come on down the Red Lobster. These shrimp are $9.11.” That’s right. It doesn’t matter what the holiday is. Martin Luther King day, it’s gotta be the same thing. You’re gonna be watching TV like, “These Toyotas are practically free at last, free at last!” [audience laughing] “These Toyotas are practically free at last.” This MLK birthday, Madias gotta dreams.”

It’s America. We commercialize everything. Look what we did to Christmas. Christmas! Christmas is Jesus’s birthday. It’s Jesus’s birthday. I don’t know Jesus. But from what I’ve read, Jesus is the least materialistic person to ever roam the earth. No bling on Jesus. Jesus kept a low profile and we turned his birthday into the most materialistic day of the year. Matter of fact, we have the Jesus’s birthday season. It’s a whole season of materialism. Then, at the end of the Jesus’s birthday season, we have the nerve to have an economist come on TV and tell you how horrible the Jesus birthday season was this year. “Oh, we had a horrible Jesus’s birthday this year. Hopefully business will pick up by his crucifixion. Yes! [audience laughing]

But you know, you try to help. Jesus tried to help– [cheers and applause] Jesus tried to help. Hey, I tried to help. You get hurt for helping. That’s what happens. I went down to Washington DC for a anti-gun event. Okay? Anti-gun thing at White House. I’m not big anti-gun but I just think there should be some regulations, just in case. The same way I can’t drive any nascar down the street, I shouldn’t be able to have a machine gun in my house across the street from the school, okay? It’s simple, right? [cheers and applause] No, no, no.

I go to this thing and there’s me and a bunch of celebrities. And we speak out against guns. Then I come home and I check out my website. I look at my website and there’s all these threats on there. “I’mma kill you. I’mma put one in your head. I’ll slit your throat. Don’t you dare come between me and my weapon.” And I realized, “Oh, my god! I need a gun!”  [audience laughing] I need a gun. And from that moment on, I said I will never get involved in any charity or cause for the rest of my life. You on your own. I don’t care what disease it is, I don’t care if it’s protecting kids, the environment, I don’t care. If you see me talking about disease, I got it! [audience laughing]

Hey, we got a great show for you tonight. Prince is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

[cheers and applause]

 

Bank Robbers

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Johnny… Bobby Moynihan

Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Sasheer Zamata

Kate McKinnon

Taran Killam

[Starts with a woman walking in the bank]

[Cut to people withdrawing and depositing money]

[Cut to Aidy screaming. The robbers run in with guns.]

Beck: Everybody listen up. [robbers open their masks] This is exactly what you think it is. So do us a favor and get down on the floor.

[Cut to everyone in the bank getting down.]

Johnny: [yelling] Ay, I said get down on the floor.

[Cut to Kenan scared but standing]

Kyle: Looks like this guy needs a little help. Johnny, get me a chair.

[Johnny brings a chair. Johnny and Kyle nicely helps Kenan to sit on a chair as he couldn’t get down because he was using mobility aid.]

Kyle: Alright, here you go.

Johnny: Wheels. Be careful.
Kenan: Thank you very much.

[the robbers get back to robbing]

Beck: Fine, this is how this is going to work. You do exactly what we say and we’re all going to have a real good time.

[Kyle jumps with his gun pointing at a lady who is still standing]

Kyle: What’s your problem?

Sasheer: [panicking] I don’t know. I’m sorry.

Johnny: Oh, no! Little princess ain’t in fairy tale land no more. Hey, do you want some water? \
Kyle: Sparkling or still?

Sasheer: What?

Johnny: He said sparking [reloads his gun] or still?

Sasheer: Still.

[cut to Kyle getting water from the filter for Sasheer]

Kyle: Okay. Gotta keep hydrated.

Sasheer: Oh, thank you.

[Cut to Kate sitting down. Beck is walking towards her.]

Beck: Every banks gotta have a manager. Right? There she is. Come on, stand up. [Beck holds Kate and pulls her up.] You know the drill. Now, while I take your lovely manager back to the vault, I trust that there ain’t gonna be any interruptions.

[Cut to Johnny]

Johnny: And if we hear one little peep out of any of you, you’re gonna be spending the night at DG cemetery.

[Cut to a man hugging a boy. The boy lets his marble ball go. The ball rolls to Kyle. Kyle picks it up and walks to them.]

Kyle: Does this belong to you little boy?

[Cut to the man and the boy]

Taran: Do not hurt my son.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Oh, we ain’t gonna hurt him. We’re just gonna teach him a lesson. On how learning can be fun.

[Kyle wears a cap and starts teaching the boy]

Greetings, I am a union soldier. The year is Beck8KateJohnny and I am Beck9 years old. I am very hungry. And the winters are blistering cold.

[Cut to the man and the boy]

The boy: Wow, cool!

[Cut to Kyle]

[Johnny walks in with a hat]
Johnny: And I am a confederate soldier. On the battlefield, we are enemies. But at home, we are brothers.

[Cut to Aidy screaming]

[Kyle walks to Aidy]

Kyle: You think that’s scary? [Aidy was watching a movie on TV] Wait till you find out that she is actually– Wait! I’m going to ruin it.

[Johnny walks in with popcorn.]

Kyle: Hey, you need any butter?

Aidy: Yes, please.

[Kyle puts the butter on popcorn.]

[Cut to the vault. Kate is putting the money in the bag.]

Beck: I just realized, I know exactly what a girl like you needs.]

[Kate looking worried]
Kate: What?

Beck: Something like this. [Beck puts on a puppy pin on her coat]

Kate: Charlie!

[blasting sound]

[Aidy screaming]

[Cut to Johnny and Kyle. They popped the confetti blaster. They bring a cake for Aidy with birthday candles.]

Johnny: Surprise!

Aidy: How did you know?

Kyle: We stole your wallet!

[Beck comes in running]

Beck: Alright everyone. Thank you so much for your cooperation. And now, we finally get to finish this song and dance.

[The robbers put guns away and start singing and dancing]

Look I got the money, sorry if we scared you

now it’s time to go.

[Robbers point the guns again and walk out]

Porn Stars with Seth Rogen and James Franco – Sunseeker Yachts

Brecky….Vanessa Bayer

Friend….Cecily Strong

Captain Jack Swallow….James Franco

James Franco….Seth Rogen

Brecky: Luxurence
Friend: Frills
Brecky: Lavishable
Friend: Disrabable
Both: The amazement. Sun Sinker Yachts. (They wildly mispronounce ‘yachts’ everytime)
Friend: All the glycerince of a floating sea castle
Brecky: You’ll feel like a real housewife of Atlantis
Both: With Sunsinker Yachts.
Brookie: Hi, we aren’t porn stars anymore. I’m Brecky.
Friend: No, that’s your name.
Brecky: And we aren’t porn stars anymore. But that doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy the freedom of standing at the front of a ship and getting blasted in the face.
Friend: And they’re perfect. For occasions like:
Brecky: Whale Washing
Friend: Jail release party
Brecky: Hey, you just knocked over a lighthouse you idiot
Friend: and Bermuda four-way. I guarantee it. You’ll feel like you’re getting it in all the portholes in once.
Brecky: You’ll feel like you’re on the maiden voyage of the Tightanus
(the guys are wheeled on stage in boats, dressed as captains)
Seth: Did someone say
James: That sounds fishy?
Both girls: No, not yet, no… (the guys are wheeled offstage) With Sunsinker Yachts.
Friend: One time I thought I banged a merman, but it was just a guy with long hair and eczema. I was like, “We’re gonna need a bigger throat. Thanks Yachts.”
Brecky: I lost my foot, in my butt. It used to be on my leg, until I tried to kick a squirrell and missed really bad. Now when someone’s like, “Sit on it,” I’m like, “You mean stand on it?” And either way, they’re like, “Get out of here.”
Friend: One time, I thought I got banged into another dimension like Innersmaller, but I was just stuck in a pull-out couch. I was like, “What does pull out mean?”
Brecky: Hey remember getting water in your ear? It’s like…
(they both ‘practice’ getting water out of their ear and ad lib ‘get out of there,’ ‘that’s my ear,’ etc.)
(the guys are wheeled on stage in boats, dressed as captains)
Seth: Did someone say
James: That sounds fishy?
Girls: Okay, go now, go…
(the guys stand up out of the boats)
James: Hi, I’m captain Jack Swallow of the Black Pearl Necklace
Seth: And I’m James Franco
James: We’re the captains of Nautical-themed pornography. You might remember me as Tom Yanks in the move Blastaway.
Seth: And I was the star of the TV series Freaks and Queefs
James: But you don’t need a PhDong in Ocean Porn to appreciate Seersucker Yachts. Seersucker Yachts, They’re Yachts in Seersucker suits! Cause, why not? Yachts can be fancy too sometimes.
Brecky: Hey, what are you saying? We’re trying to do this AD and get free boats from
Both Girls: Sunsinker Yachts.
Both Guys ad lib: Oh right, The crime, Wink wink, etc…
Seth: So, dress your yacht up in a seersucker suit like he’s at the Kentucky Furby
James: And to our high school film teacher who said, “You’ll never star in 300 underwater pornos,” Why would you say that, dude?
Seth: So get sunsinker Yachts today. The only thing you need to bring is…
(simultaneously)
Brecky: A sense of adventure
Friend: Butt beads
Guys: With Sunsinker Yachts!

SNL Transcripts: Chris Pratt: 09/27/14




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 40: Episode 1


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>




Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


September 27th, 2014

Chris Pratt

Arianna Grande

None

Anna Faris

The Weekend

None
State of the UnionSummary: Candy Crowley (Aidy Bryant) discusses the NFL’s recent troubles with Ray Lewis (Kenan Thompson) and Shannon Sharpe (Jay Pharoah).

Recurring Characters: Candy Crowley, Shannon Sharpe.

Transcript

Montage

Chris Pratt’s MonologueSummary: Chris Pratt sings a song about how great it is to host “Saturday Night Live”.

Cialis TurntSummary: Man (Taran Killam) uses extra-strength erection pill to ensure he has a stylin’ boner.

ToysSummary: On his birthday, a lonely boy’s (Kyle Money) wish for his He-Man (Chris Pratt) and Lion-O (Taran Killam) toys to come alive backfires when they’d rather fondle one another and hit on his mom (Aidy Bryant).

Animal HospitalSummary: Nurses (Cecily Strong, Kate McKinnon, Chris Pratt) at veterinarian’s office alert customers that their pets have died.

MarvelSummary: New line of Marvel films are made with no original thought and guaranteed to attract audiences everywhere.

Ariana Grande performs “Break Free”

Weekend Update with Colin Jost & Michael CheSummary: Girl (Cecily Strong). Leslie Jones comments on being a single black woman in today’s world. Pete Davidson comments on the business sensibility in going down on a guy. Colin Jost and Michael Che advise President Barack Obama to cheer up by delivering sensible advice.

Recurring Characters: Girl.

Booty RapSummary: At a bar, (Aidy Bryant) hits on (Chris Pratt) by rapping about her big fat ass.

Bad BoysSummary: In a spoof of 90’s sitcoms, (Chris Pratt) falls in with a group of young bad boys, nearly alienating himself from his roommates (Beck Bennett, Kyle Mooney).

NFL On CBSSummary: Members of the Baltimore Ravens and the Carolina Panthers introduce themselves and list their recent crimes.

Transcript

Ariana Grande and The Weekend perform “Love Me Harder”

Puzzle World 6Summary: Man (Chris Pratt) and woman (Vanessa Bayer) from Puzzle World make out every time their test users complete a puzzle piece.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Chris Pratt: 09/27/14: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 40: Episode 1



14a: Chris Pratt / Ariana Grande

Goodnights

…..Chris Pratt

Chris Pratt: Thank you!… to Ariana Grande. The Weekend. My lovely, darling wife Anna. The cast, the crew, my friends, my family watching. To everybody. Thank you! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Chris Pratt: 09/27/14: NFL on CBS



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 40: Episode 1















































14a: Chris Pratt / Ariana Grande

NFL on CBS

Jim Nantz…..Beck Bennett
Phil Simms…..Taran Killam
Derrick Watkins…..Kenan Thompson
Kyle Jeffries…..Bobby Moynihan
Terry Pope…..Jay Pharoah
Victor Naples…..Chris Pratt
Calvin Williams…..Kyle Mooney
Marvin Ingram…..Michael Che
Willie Sampson…..Pete Davidson
Jeffrie Wilkins…..Chris Pratt
Terrence White…..Kenan Thompson
Lavar Washington…..Jay Pharoah
Tim Stevens…..Colin Jost
Jacob Reynolds…..Jay Pharoah
Donald Washburn…..Chris Pratt
Wendell Jones…..Pete Davidson
Devin Peters…..Kenan Thompson
Bart Doleman…..Chris Pratt
Barry Jenkins…..Kyle Mooney
Greg Watkins…..Kyle Mooney
Abaskuul Solemon…..Jay Pharoah
Kendrick Douglas…..Kenan Thompson
Mrs. Kendrick Douglas…..Leslie Jones
Melvin McDonald…..Chris Pratt

[ open on “NFL on CBS” graphics ]

[ dissolve to booth ]

Jim Nantz: Hello, and welcome to “The NFL on CBS”! I’m Jim Nantz, and with me in the booth is Phil Simms!

Phil Simms: Great to be here, Jim!

Jim Nantz: Obviously, the NFL is under tremendous SCRUTINY right now, with a series of embarrassing scandals over the past few weeks.

Phil Simms: Well, they’re trying their best to move forward and start taking responsibility for their actions.

Jim Nantz: Accountability! That’s what the NFL is all about. And I think you’ll see that reflected in today’s player introductions. First, let’s meet the Baltimore Ravens offense.

[ cut to reel of player introductions, highlighted by quick costume changes as the cameras jump from player to player ]

Derrick Watkins: Derrick Watkins. ASSAULT!

Kyle Jeffries: Kyle Jeffries. Manslaughter!

Terry Pope: Terry Pope. I brought an assault rifle to a barbecue!

Victor Naples: Victor Naples. Whole bunch o’ stuff!

Calvin Williams: Calvin Williams. Loitering with an attempt to murder!

Marvin Ingram: Marvin Ingram. I was accused of assault at THE Ohio State University!

Willie Sampson: Willie Sampson. Treason!

Jeffrey Wilkins: Jeffrey Wilkins. Involuntary prostitution!

Terrence White: Terrence White! I OD’d on penis pills!

Lavar Washington: Lavar Washington. I punched a mailman — That’s FEDERAL, baby!

Tim Stevens: And I’m the punter. Tax fraud!

[ return to the booth ]

Jim Nantz: Wow… Certainly a different line than we’re used to seeing.

Phil Simms: Well, there have been a lot of suspensions, so the teams do look significantly different than they did last week.

Jim Nantz: The players look less athletic.

Phil Simms: I noticed that as well!

Jim Nantz: Now, will the players be discussing the punishments they’ve received for their offenses?

Phil Simms: Uh, no… we’re not gonna… [ he shushes Jim ]

Jim Nantz: Now, let’s meet the visiting Carolina Panthers defense!

[ cut to reel of player introductions, highlighted by quick costume changes as the cameras jump from player to player ]

Jacob Reynolds: Jacob Reynolds. Burned down a strip club!

Donald Washburn: Donald Washburn. American Taliban!

Wendell Jones: Wendell Jones. I love cocaine!

Devin Peters: Devin Peters. Stanford!

Bart Doleman: Bart Doleman. I haven’t done nuthin’ yet… but I’m gonna!

Barry Jenkins: Barry Jenkins. I did some weird stuff on a cruise ship!

Greg Watkins: Greg Watkins. I was on that cruise, too — it was pretty fun!

Abaskuul Solemon: Abaskuul Solemon. Somali pirate!

Kendrick Douglas: Kendrick Douglas. I hit my wife.

Mrs. Kendrick Douglas: And I’m his wife! I hit his ass BACK!!

Melvin McDonald: And I’m Melvin McDonald. I sent a picture of my ding-dong to Michelle Obama. Go Panthers!

[ return to the booth ]

Jim Nantz: Well, as you can see, it’s a whole new era for the National Football League.

Phil Simms: So let’s get you straight to the field for kickoff, and we’ll see you back here for the Bud Light Lime-a-Rita Halftime Show, featuring Chris Brown and a very special tribute to Pac-Man Jones.

Jim Nantz: This is the “NFL on CBS”!

[ dissolve to graphics ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Chris Pratt: 09/27/14: State of the Union



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 40: Episode 1







14a: Chris Pratt / Ariana Grande

State of the Union

Candy Crowley…..Aidy Bryant
Roger Goodell…..Chris Pratt
Ray Lewis…..Kenan Thompson
Shannon Sharpe…..Jay Pharoah

Candy Crowley: Welcome to State of the Union, I’m Candy Crowley. Tonight, the NFL in crisis. Recent incidents of abuse from Ray Rice and Adrien Peterson have taken a toll on the league. Now, I’ll confess: I don’t know a lot about football. My Sundays are reserved for Candy Time. I read Nora Roberts novels while a crack team of Korean ladies rehabilitate my feet. But even I know that this league is in trouble. Earlier today, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell tried to take control of things with yet another press conference. Take a look.

Roger Goodell: This has been a tough couple of weeks. But in time of troubles you learn who your friends are, so I wanna thank all the people who stood by me. Red Skins owner, Dan Snyder. Michael Vick, and Saints coach Sean Payton for not holding me to the same standard that I held him. I appreciate it.

Candy Crowley: Joining me now are NFL veterans former Raven lineback, Ray Lewis.

Ray Lewis: Let’s talk about this, Candy.

Candy Crowley: And Hall of Fame, Shannon Sharpe.

Shannon Sharpe: Well… thank you, Candy. It is absolutely a pleasure to be here. It really is.

Candy Crowley: Alright. First let’s talk about Adrian Peterson who is under investigation for child abuse. Ray Lewis, you’re a parent. Have you felt you went too far in disciplining your own child?

Ray Lewis: Well, Candy, children need an education. One way for them to receive that is by going to school. You wake up, you feed the child, get the child dressed send them off.

Candy Crowley: Ok, yes, but I’m asking about you. Have you ever used corpral punishment on a child?

Ray Lewis: A child has a book bag, lunch box, brand new clothes, and I provide those things. So, when you’re talking about teaching somebody something, that’s what we’re paying attention to.

Candy Crowley: Yes, but, what I’m asking is, what about you? Have you ever, say, had a legal problem that might have disrupted your time?

Ray Lewis: I know what you’re getting at. And let me perfectly clear. School buses are yellow, or sometimes orange, depending. Bus pulls up, child gets on. Child goes off to school.

Candy Crowley: Ok, Shannon Sharpe, is this a common problem in the NFL? Have you ever had legal troubles yourself with a spouce or child?

Shannon Sharpe: Candy, look, look… I have never had any legal trouble on my own, dating all the way back to 2010 when I did have some legal problem, so yes, yes.

Candy Crowley: Mr. Sharpe, Why is this such an ongoing problem?

Shannon Sharpe: Well, well, well… I believe… Candy, players in the NFL are trained to be aggressive, ok? When you get off that field you’re full of adrenaline, testosterone, painkillers and Budlight Lime. Ok? The NFL needs to calm these players down, you know, maybe have some herbal tea or a soothing light show. The posibilities go to infinity, Candy.

Candy Crowley: Alright. Let’s look at another clip from Roger Goodell, who I think announce more steps that the NFL is taking on domestic abuse.

Roger Goodell: We want to be part of the solution, so the NFL is organising its own ”Take Back The Night” march on October 8th. What this says is ”We Fight Women”. Oh, excuse me, “We Fight 4 Women”. We Fight Four Different Women? I… No? Yeah, of course not… I’m so sorry…

Candy Crowley: Whatever Goodell is saying he’s certainly firm about it. Ray Lewis, I’ve just been told you did have some legal trouble when you were arrested in 2000. Is this a systemic problem?

Ray Lewis: Schoolbus pulls up. The child goes inside.

Shannon Sharpe: Candy, Candy, may I say something?

Candy Crowley: Yes, I’m sorry, Mr. Sharpe, Did your bowtie just get bigger?

Shannon Sharpe: Ok, Candy… this is a society-wide issue, ok? NFL can possibly solve it, so I’m looking forward to all being solved by the NFL very soon, yes I am.

Candy Crowley: Alright. Let’s take a break to sort this out but first, live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Sarah Silverman: 10/04/14




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 40: Episode 2


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>





Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


October 4th, 2014

Sarah Silverman

Maroon 5

None

None

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60 MinutesSummary: Steve Kroft (Beck Bennett) grills President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) about White House Secret Service gaffes.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

Montage

Sarah Silverman’s MonologueSummary: Sarah Silverman seeks praise from a female audience member before taking questions from her younger self in the audience.

Transcript

The Fault in Our Stars 2Summary: Cancer teen Theodore (Taran Killam) is repulsed to discover he’s entered a relationship with Ebola teen Olive (Sarah Silverman).

Joan RiversSummary: Joan Rivers (Sarah Silverman) arrives in Heaven and begins to roast other celebrities.

Recurring Characters: Joan Rivers, Benjamin Franklin, Steve Jobs.

Transcript

WhitesSummary: White dominance won’t last much longer, so let’s all enjoy it while we still can!

Forgotten TV GemsSummary: A look back at an unsuccessful daytime soap opera that portrayed women as friendly toward one another instead of catty and bitchy.

Maroon 5 performs “Animals”

Weekend Update with Colin Jost & Michael CheSummary: Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson). Colin Jost checks with Michael Che to see which black words he can get away with using as a white man. Garage (Kate McKinnon) & Her (Sarah Silverman).

Recurring Characters: Al Sharpton.

RiverboatSummary: A trio of Tina Turner impersonators (Sasheer Zamata, Cecily Strong, Sarah Silverman) lament their lives as they perform “Proud Mary”.

Car RideSummary: Girl’s (Sarah Silverman) confession of overseas infidelity leads to unanounced family turmoil during the ride home from the airport.

PoemSummary: After (Kyle Mooney) discovers he shares a common interest with Ashley (Sarah Silverman), he’s beat up by her jealous boyfriend (Beck Bennett).

Maroon 5 performs “Maps”

VitamixSummary: In an infomercial, (Vanessa Bayer) touts the overpriced blender that her friend (Sarah Silverman) can’t afford.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts