Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Michael Che: Hey, everybody.
Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
So, an appeal court unanimously upheld the suspension of president Trump’s travel ban. But I mean, who are they to judge? Oh, federal judges? Okay. Minutes after the ruling, president Trump tweeted in all caps, “See you in court.” Honey, you can’t threaten federal judges with more court. And you just lost in court. Trump’s the guy who gets his ass kicked in an alley and then yells out, “Let’s take this outside!” But then Friday, president Trump said he may just file a brand new immigration order instead of appealing to the supreme court. Of course, because nobody actually follows through on an all caps tweet. I once tweeted in all caps, “I AM NEVER DRINKING AGAIN.” and three days later, my account was disabled by NBC for drunk tweeting @meredithvieira.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: True. President falsely claimed in a speech that the media has purposely failed to cover terrorist attacks because when he was flipping through the channels the other night, only TBS was brave enough to air the story of the American scientist gunned down by Libyans.[Picture changes to White House]
A new list of terrorists attacks released by the white hosue this week was also riddled with spelling errors. Or there has been a huge increase in radical Icelandic terrorism. [Paper has “Icelandic” written instead of “Islamic”. While signing new executive orders on crime, president Trump said, “A new era of justice begins and it begins right now.” Then he spent 20minutes struggling to get into batman costume.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kellyanne Conway at right top corner.]
Michael Che: On Thursday, the White House quote, “counseled”, Kenlyanne Conway after she violated a federal ethics rule by promoting Ivanka Trump’s clothing line on Fox News. Counseled? Her job title is literally ‘Counselor to President.’ Trump’s White House is so dysfunctional, that his counselor needs a counselor. That’s like your Uber driver asking you to get out and push.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeff Sessions at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: The senate voted on Wednesday to confirm Jeff Beauregard Sessions as our new Confederate General– sorry, Attorney General. Attorney General. Attorney General. Sessions was rejected for a position as a federal judge in 1986over concerns of racism. But don’t worry, if there’s one thing that makes racists better, it’s age. My grandpa is getting more and more tolerant. Now he says, “My African-American nurse is stealing from me.”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Betsy Devos storming out of a school at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Keep telling your grandpa I’m not his nurse. [Colin Jost laughing] Newly confirmed secretary of education, Betsy Devos, or as I’ve been calling her Bev Bil Devos, was blocked from entering a school by protestors. You know, I can’t remember this many people freaking out over a cabinet positions. My white friend asked me, “Can you believe they’re putting Ben Carson in charge of the projects?” And I was like, “There’s somebody in charge of the projects? Since when? Who the hell is he replacing? The Crips?” You know, the pace of this presidency is exhausting. I never thought I’d say this but I’m starting to feel bad for Donald Trump. In just s span of one day, he was in a losing battle with three federal judges, a decorated war hero and a department store. Dude, pace yourself! Donald Trump can’t keep this up. Not with that old bloated Kentucky fried chicken body. No wonder he is always cranky. He’s probably gassy. Plus, now every time he checks the internet he has to see pictures of Obama in the Caribbean getting his groove back. [Picture changes to Obama jet-skiing] Look at Obama. [cheers and applause] Obama is all tanned, getting henna tattoos. Meanwhile, Trump is force smiling through a 30 second handshake with the prime minister of Japan. Like, “What the f* am I doing here?” It’s sad, man. I hope he quits. Donald, is this really how you want to spend las two years of your life?