Valerie Weber… Ego Nwodim
Brian Sutter… Mikey Day
Dr. John Mitchell… Kenan Thompson
[Starts with “In Depth with Brian Sutter” intro] [Cut to Valerie in her set.]Valerie: Good evening. I’m Valerie Weber filling in for Brian Sutter who like, our colleague over at CNN Chris Cuomo has tested positive for COVID-19. Brian joins us live from his home in Connecticut. Brian, how are you doing?
Brian: Oh, I miss you guys too. Trust me. I’ve been quarantined in my guest house for about 10 days now. Unfortunately, I did pass the virus to my teenage daughter Sarah. She’s doing fine. Although, she is stuck in here with me. So… But we’re getting along okay. Right Sarah? We’re actually using her phone to connect with you guys today. So, I thank her for that. Coz as you know, Valerie, I’m still rocking my old Blackberry.
Valerie: Oh, I know. But, it’s a good thing we got your daughter there to work that camera. Now, Brian, any idea how you might have contracted the virus?
Brian: [he has a face filter turned on] Unfortunately, I do. Look, I was one of the people that did not take early calls for social distancing seriously. And I went to a very crowded bar the night before the bars were ordered to be closed. And I’m almost certain I caught it there.
Valerie: Brian, it looks like there’s some sort of funny filter on the phone there.
Brian: [without filter]Well, um, this is when I feel old. I don’t know what that means. Is the camera okay, Sarah?
Sarah: Yeah.
Brian: Yeah. My daughter says it’s okay on our end.
Valerie: Okay. It’s gone. It’s gone. Yeah. Thought you daughter might have been messing with you there. Now, Brian, are you feeling any better?
Brian: [he has another face filter turned on with squeaky voice and goggly eyes.] You know, I thought so. But I just can’t seem to shake this fever. Um, it came back last night. And nothing seems to relieve the discomfort.
Valerie: Okay. Got you. Um, if you’re just tuning in, the funny filters on Brian are not us.
Brian: [he has another face filter of a pirate] You know, my daughter said the camera looks fine. So, not sure what’s going on, guys.
Valerie: It’s not fine. Brian, are you having any shortness of breath?
Brian: [he has another face filter with no nose and squeaky voice] You know, a little, Valerie. For instance, when I take a deep breath, [when he takes a deep breath, he’s breathing out fire on filter]–
Valerie: Look at this fool.
Brian: –I feel a little tightness up in here, [holding his chest] but it’s not too severe.
Valerie: Alright, alright. Brian–
Brian: And I would just like to say Valerie [now he has another face filter of a small kid], that I am appalled at the federal government’s response to this pandemic. I mean, where is the leadership? The president’s tweeting, in-sighting violence, shame on you, Mr. President. And I’m not afraid to say it. Shame on you.
Valerie: Okay. Yeah. Thank you, Brian. Yeah. Let’s wrap this up. Anything else to add?
Brian: Yes. [now he is a banana with eyes and mouth] To all the people protesting the lockdowns, you look foolish. Take this seriously, please.
Valerie: I’m sure they will now. Thank you, Brian.
Brian: Thank you, Valerie.
Valerie: [sigh] Damn! Coming up after the break, we’ll speak with Dr. John Mitchell, an epidemiologist who– [Dr. John Mitchell also has a cute face filter] I can see also accidentally has a face filter on.
Dr. John Mitchell: Oh, no. It’s intentional, Valerie. My laptop camera is not very flattering, so I thought I’d take myself to a little glue up.
Valerie: Well, it’s working for you, king. Okay. Ha-ha. Stay with us.
[“In Depth with Brian Sutter” outro]