Colin Jost
Guy who just bought a boat… Alex Moffat
Guy who knows the owner… Ryan Reynolds
[Starts with Colin Jost in his ‘Weekend Update’ set]
Colin Jost: Guys, I don’t know if you heard, but thanksgiving in next week. Here with his thanksgiving dating tips is a guys who just bought a boat.
[Guy who just bought a boat slides in]
[cheers and applause]
Guy who just bought a boat: [singing] Over the river and through my wood
throbble, throbble, and happy spanks-sniffing.
Colin Jost: Oh, god. spanks sniffing? I have not– I’m not complaining but I haven’t seen you out here in a while.
Guy who just bought a boat: True. [Cut to Guy who just bought a boat] I was out of the game for skosh. I was fighting overseas.
[Cut to Colin Jost and Guy who just bought a boat]
Colin Jost: Oh! You were in the military?
Guy who just bought a boat: No. I was fighting over Cs. [Cut to Guy who just bought a boat] She wanted Bs, but I said, “Hey, I’m paying for ‘em. Get the cupgrade.”
[Cut to Colin Jost and Guy who just bought a boat]
No. Now, let’s talk turkey. Shall we? [Cut to Guy who just bought a boat] Here’s some dating tips for the holiday Sleaze. Okay? If you want your feast to be gas-tag blessed, you better be like my high school—prepped.
Colin Jost: Yeah. [Cut to Colin Jost and Guy who just bought a boat] Just before you go on, can I remind you that thanksgiving is a family holiday, okay?
Guy who just bought a boat: Sure, I’ll do my breast. [Cut to Guy who just bought a boat] Now, if you’re at friendsgive and in charge of the turk, don’t be a jerk. Here’s how to make it twerk. Slide some land O’lakes under the skin to make the white meat wet. And bust out the real cranberries and she’s guaranteed to ocean spray. I have a small penis.
Colin Jost: What?
Guy who just bought a boat: Now, [Cut to Colin Jost and Guy who just bought a boat] if you want to get pot-lucky, bring a time tested side to the tabe. [Cut to Guy who just bought a boat] The right side dish leads to slide fish. Stick the landing and you’ll be like stove top. Stuffing an open bird. And trust me, by then she’ll be saying those magic words, “Just use your finger, it’s bigger.” Remember, mac and cheese leads to rack and squeeze.
[Cut to Colin Jost and Guy who just bought a boat]
Colin Jost: [laughing] What’s going on?
Guy who just bought a boat: And … [Cut to Guy who just bought a boat] if you put in the eff before you cornocopulate, everything will be on the menu. Her candied gams. Her vulveeta. Even her green bean asserole. My dong is after myballs.
[Cut to Colin Jost and Guy who just bought a boat]
Colin Jost: Good god, dude.
Guy who just bought a boat: Look. [Cut to Guy who just bought a boat] T-gives is a grande day. Too much for one honcho. So, here to ‘splain the rest is my fra-bra’ from siggie-eps, guy who knows the owner.
[Guy who knows the owner slides in]
[cheers and applause]
Guy who just bought a boat: There’s my guy.
Guy who knows the owner: It’s tight to be here, Cojo. I was jut in the Areola.
[Cut to Colin Jost, Guy who knows the owner and Guy who just bought a boat]
Guy who just bought a boat: Whoa.
Colin Jost: I’m sorry. This guy is not on my list.
Guy who knows the owner: Please, I know the owner.
[Cut to Guy who knows the owner and Guy who just bought a boat]
Guy who knows the owner: Rule numbero un, this thanksgiving, if you want to move out of the friend zone and into her end zone, pay her a compliment. Like, “Nice cooking”. Or “I’d have sex with you.” Remember, class leads to ass. This dong is huge and it can’t get hard. After the main intercourse, you’ll want to loosen your belt. Because it’s time for a long winter’s fap. Takes three hours. Nothing comes out. It’s a loaf of wet bread. Or play your cards right and she’ll slip off her loubou-t pumps and play a little under the table footsie that will have her say, “Is that a giant, old, soft, decaying banana in your pants or are you just not interested to see me?”
[Cut to Colin Jost, Guy who knows the owner and Guy who just bought a boat]
Colin Jost: That’s what she’ll say? I gotta say, that’s just a little hard to unpack.
Guy who knows the owner: So is my wang. It’s a skin slinky color.
Colin Jost: You guys, I’m sorry. You guys have to leave. I’m sorry.
Guy who knows the owner: Hey, hold on. What does gravy have in common with this dude? [pointing at Guy who just bought a boat]
Colin Jost: What?
Guy who just bought a boat: We both come in a boat!
Colin Jost: God. That’s two best friends. Everyone.
Guy who just bought a boat: See you at the parade.