Mr. Dobbs… Kenan Thompson
Captain… Woody Harrelson
Mr. Dobbs: Attention. Crew, President accounted for, sir.
Captain: Thank you, Mr. Dobbs. At ease. Little fish. there’s trouble out there in the water so they turned us? We’re not going out there with a pants down. No, sir. Uncle Sam gave us first class tickets on a $5 billion nuclear submarine, isn’t that right?
Soldiers: Sir, yes, sir.
Captain: And this lethal Ohio class killer machine has been entrusted to us for one purpose, to defend our country, God’s country. Now the President may call the shots, but this here is my submarine. And it’s a proud boat, isn’t it, Mr. Dobbs?
Mr. Dobbs: Very proud, sir.
Captain: It represents the best of us.
Mr. Dobbs: The absolute best, sir.
Captain: And this ship has noble name doesn’t it, Mr. Dobbs.
Mr. Dobbs: Very normal, sir.
Captain: And what is that name, Mr. Dobbs?
Mr. Dobbs: Mr. dingleberries Gooch Balloon ASDFJKL; 6969, sir.
Captain: Say it again?
Soldiers: Mr. dingleberries Gooch Balloon ASDFJKL; 6969, sir.
Captain: And why does it have that name?
Mikey: Because it was decided by an online poll, sir.
Captain: Why did we let that be the name?
Mikey: Because we didn’t take the poll seriously until it was too late, sir.
Captain: What percentage of people voted for this to be the name?
Soldiers: An overwhelming majority, sir.
Captain: And why did we have a poll in the first place?
Michael: to get more followers on Instagram, si.
Captain: And did this mission succeed?
Bowen: We got more views on our stories, but our followers grew pretty much the normal rate, sir.
Captain: And who is Mr. Dingleberry?
Soldiers: Everyone assumes it was you, sir.
Captain: And what was the runner up in the poll?
Marcello: Dookie Cruiser, sir.
Captain: And was that any better?
Soldiers: If it was shorter but equally bad, sir.
Captain: And what does ASDFJKL; mean?
James: It’s just what you get if you roll your fingers across the keyboard, sir.
Captain: And how to rearrange it and try to pronounce it?
Andrew: By saying ass of a jackal, sir.
Captain: But we decided what?
Mikey: That ass of the jackal was too complicated. And we should just say the letter, sir.
Captain: And did we know how to deal with the semicolon?
Soldiers: We did not, sir.
Captain: So, what did we decide to do?
Devon: We decided to just call it semicolon, sir.
Captain: And who was behind this prank?
Mikey: @GayKevinFromTheOffice420, sir.
Captain: And who is that GayKevinFromTheOffice?
Soldiers: Just a random guy, sir.
[phone ringing]
Captain: Hello, my darling wife. Is it urgent? And why is it urgent? And why are you leaving me? And on which days will I see the kids? Okay, then. Now, who thinks they know why my wife is leaving me?
Soliders: We all do.
Captain: And why is that?
Mr. Dobbs: Because she didn’t want to be Mrs. Dingleberry, sir.
[Submarine starts shaking]
Captain: And who blew up the submarine just now?
Soldiers: We all did, sir.
Captain: And why did we do it?
Bowen: Because we didn’t want to die on something called the Gooch Balloon, sir.
Captain: Damn right. Chief of the boat, dismiss the crew.
Mr. Dobbs: Aye-aye. Mr. Dingleberry crew, fall out.
Soldiers: Yeah!