Carl Sagan…..Mike Myers
Dean Martin…..Tom Hanks
Sally Struthers…..Victoria Jackson
Crystal Gayle…..Jan Hooks
Isaac Asimov…..Phil Hartman
Paul McCartney…..Dan Carvey
George Hamilton…..Kevin Nealon
…..Dom DeLuise…..Chris Farley
Petula Clark…..Julia Sweeney
Tom Hanks: I miss when Christmas was worry free. When there was no pandemic. And the scariest thing we were worried about was global warming. Back in the day, we thought this was a huge deal. But then it all just magically disappeared. [listening to his ear piece] What’s that? Oh, it’s still here. And it’s still bad. Ah, well, in that case, here’s one of my favorite sketches from my fifth time hosting in 1991.[Cut to the sketch]
Announcer: It’s The Global Warming Christmas Special, with Carl Sagan. Starring Kirstie Alley, Dr. William R Keeler from the Chicago Institute of Meteorological Studies, funnyman Louie Anderson, Professor I. Bennet Eckling, Chief Atmospheric Physicist from the World Resources Institute, Jamie Farr and many, many more. And now, here he is – Carl Sagan![ Carl Sagan enters the summer-styled Christmas village set ]
Carl Sagan: Good evening, and welcome to my first Global Warming Christmas Special. It’s a tradition which I fear will continue for years to come, because, the way things are going, global warming will be around for a long time. Now, here’s someone else who’s been around for a long time, a man who’s hosted many a Christmas show himself – Mr. Dean Martin.[ Dean Martin enters with a glass of vodka and a lit cigarette ]
Carl Sagan: Welcome, Dean. I hope this special will prove to be enlightening and entertaining.
Dean Martin: Hello there, Carl. You just show me where the cue cards and we’ll take care of this whole thing.
Carl Sagan: Okay, Dean, because after all..[ singing ]
“The Earth’s atmosphere operates
as a greenhouse, if you will.”
Dean Martin: “When there’s too much carbon dioxide
it blocks out all the..”
Carl Sagan:“Our CO2 concentration
has risen to 350 parts per million
mostly due to the fossil fuel,
consumption and horizon other trace gases.”
Dean Martin: “Methane, nitrogen oxide
and cho-based molecules..”
Carl Sagan: [ interrupting ] Excuse me, Dean. Dean, that’s not “cho”, that’s “C-H-O-H”, a base molecule for all chlorofloral carbons. I wish you’d shown up for rehearsal.
Dean Martin: Well, it sure looks like “cho” to me, Professor! [ laughs ]
Carl Sagan: Well, perhaps we should simply proceed to the final refrain.
Dean Martin: Oh, lead the way!
Together: “‘Cause you just can’t tell it’s Christmas anywhere!!”
Carl Sagan: Thank you. Dean, join me as we examine Christmas in an artificially-warmed envorinmoent.
Dean Martin: Oh now, hold on there, Einstein! Where’s all the snow?
Carl Sagan: Well, Dean, if you’d paid attention to the lyrics you just sang, you’d realize that in a greenhouse climate, the chief precipitant would be rain.
Dean Martin: Ooh, that ain’t right!
Carl Sagan: Cheer up, Dino. Let’s decorate the greenhouse-affected Christmas tree, shall we? [ they walk over to a group of kids and Sally Struthers decorating a two-foot tall Christmas tree ] Believe it or not, Dean, you’re looking at the world’s largest Christmas tree in our new twisted eco-system.
Dean Martin: Ooh now, that’s so upsetting!
Carl Sagan: And look who’s here trimming the tree. It’s Archie Bunker’s daughter, Sally Struthers. Welcome, Sally.
Sally Struthers: [ visibly upset ] Carl, can I say something?
Carl Sagan: Please.[ close-up of Sally’s tear-streaked face ]
Sally Struthers: We can’t allow this to happen.. Won’t you please, please send money.. to wherever.. money is sent.. to fix.. this terrible.. tree thing.. Please..!
Carl Sagan: Thank you, Sally. Thank you. So you see, folks, if the poles continue to melt as they are, we’ll all be in hot water! [ chuckles at his inane joke ]
Dean Martin: Well, now, what about the folks like me, who already live in the desert?
Carl Sagan: Dean, the mean temperature in Las Vegas will one day rise to 156 degrees, making it uninhabitable and rendering such landmarks as the Aladdin Hotel stark monuments to an age of self-indulgence.
Dean Martin: Ooh, well what about Tahoe?
Carl Sagan: It’ll be fine. Now, here to sing a Yuletide classic, Crystal Gayle and popular science fiction writer Isaac Asimov.[ Crystal Gayle and Isaac Asimov enter, singing ]
Crystal Gayle: Pretty sidewalks
Isaac Asimov: In the air, there’s a feeling Christmas
Crystal Gayle: Silver bells
Isaac Asimov: Tiny silver bells
Crystal Gayle: Silver bells
Isaac Asimov: Tiny silver bells
Crystal Gayle: It’s Christmas time in the city![ Carl throws red paint onto Crystal’s fur coat ]
Crystal Gayle: [ outraged ] Wha-? Hey! What’s this?
Carl Sagan: I’m sorry, Crystal. I realize that global warming is the theme of this special. However, fur is indeed murder!
Crystal Gayle: You got paint in my hair, you nerd! God!
Carl Sagan: Now, then, it’s time for the traditional gift exchange. And look who’s joined us. Former Beatle Paul McCartney and his wife, Linda.
Paul McCartney: Well, we just thought we’d drop by and do our part, ’cause you know, it’s global warming, it’s madness! You know, it’s killing us! You know, the other day I said to Linda, “We’re losing the bloody planet!” And after the planet, what have you got? You can’t live in the sky or in the sun! There’s nowhere to stand! you know, you’d just be falling all the time, and then what have you got? I mean, think about it, you know? You could bring a chair, so that you could have a sit. But if you think that chair’s not gonna fall, you’d be bloody wrong. ‘Cause it will, and then what have you got? You’re right back where you started, standing in the sun without a chair.
Carl Sagan: Thank you, Paul.
Paul McCartney: It’s bloody madness!
Dean Martin: [ interrupting ] Aw, let’s open the presents, Ringo!
Carl Sagan: Very well, Dean. But remember, these gifts have been altered by our environmental neglect.
Dean Martin: Oh yeah, yeah. You sound like a broken record! Now, which one is mine?
Carl Sagan: [ hands Dean a present ] Okay, here you go, Dean. It’s peanut brittle.
Dean Martin: [ excited ] Oh, man, I loves the peanut brittle now.. [ reaches into the box to find a sticky mess ] Oh, wait, hey, hey, what’s going on here now?
Carl Sagan: In the atmosphere greenhouse of tomorrow, molasses-based candies will liquify, even on the mildest days.
Dean Martin: Hmm..
Paul McCartney: It’s madness, I tell you!
Sally Struthers: [ sobbing ] People, we can’t let this happen..!
Dean Martin: [ eating his peanut brittle anyway ] Mmm, well, it’s not bad! [ wipes off his sticky peanut butter fingers in Crystal Gayle’s hair ]
Crystal Gayle: [ annoyed ] What are you doing?! What are you doing?!
Dean Martin: Oh.. sorry..
Carl Sagan: Okay, everybody, we’ve had some fun, but now it’s time for a special Christmas message from our guest, Mr. George Hamilton.[ dissolve to George Hamilton’s pre-taped message ]
George Hamilton: Hello, everyone. Does my tan frighten you? Perhaps, it should. What you’re looking at is the tan of the future. Unless America changes it ways, when I look at a knockout babe like Dyan Cannon, and I see the ravages that ozone depletion has wrought on her leathery, flaking skin, I think, “My God, what have these fools done?” For those of my generation – for John Derek, for Bob Guccione – it may be too late. But who will speak for the Rob Lowes? For the Chad Lowes? For the Lorenzo Lamas’? Or the two Coreys? What kind of tan can they expect? Certainly not a healthy, golden tan. Not even a tawny bronze. The best they can hope for is a light cocoa. Think about that this Christmas.[ dissolve back to Carl Sagan standing next to Ralph Nader in the Christmas village ]
Carl Sagan: Now, we will enjoy a rendition of “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas”, by my colleague Ralph Nader.[ drunken Dean Martin rushes into the scene ]
Dean Martin: Oh now, alright boy, alright, that’s very nice! Now, you’re a nice fella, but we all get the idea! Now, let’s do a real Christmas show! Ladies and gentlemen, The Vogue Gold Diggers![ Vogue Gold Diggers dance into the Christmas village ]
Dean Martin: Mr. Dom DeLuise![ Dom DeLuise enters, tosses a rubber chicken and blows a kiss to the audience ]
Dean Martin: Miss Petula Clark![ Petula Clark runs into the Christmas village ]
Dean Martin: [ to Carl Sagan, pleased ] Well, now, boy.. boy, what did you think there?
Carl Sagan: Interesting. It harks back to a time when Christmas specials were wasteful and excessive.
Dean Martin: Oh, that’s right. [ to one of the Vogue Gold Diggers ] Oh, Lydia? Take care of my friend here.[ Lydia hugs Carl ]
Carl Sagan: Thank you, Dean!
Dean Martin: Don’t mention it. We’ll be right back!