[Starts with SNL monologue intro]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Woody Harrelson.
[Cheers and applause]
[Music playing]
[Woody Herrelson walks to the stage]
Woody Herrelson: Thank you. Thank you very much. What an honor to be here on this stage hosting the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. [Cheers and applause] Now. I’ve been working for a long time and I’d like to tell you I’m the same old Woody you know and love. But never before in 34 years since the mantle of fame was thrust upon these overbroad shoulders. If I’d been what I am now, a fashionista. [Cheers] I mean look at me. [A cover page of Esquire magazine appears. Woody Harrelson is on the cover page.] I’m a darn damn cover boy.
The best dressed list is new territory for me. I’ve been on the worst dressed list many times and for good reason. You know I never, I never used to think about what I wore. I guess I was anti-fashion because it always seemed to me there were more important things to focus on. The ice is melting. The Amazon is burning. Our water, food and air polluted. But now that I’m a fashionista all that’s forgotten. Because now I care about one thing and one thing only, looking good.
So I asked my buddy Dapper Dan to realize my dream of the ultimate in evening wear. And I am not talking about this tux by the way.
[Woody starts to open his tuxedo. He’s wearing a pajamas inside.]
[Cheers and applause]
Pajamas. Their time has come. Now, I’ve been an actor for a long time. I usually play murderers or the people they murder. So, I’m used to saying other people’s words. You know, I’ll even do it later in the show. You’ll see. But the monologue is the only time I’m speaking for myself. Now writers have kept offering to help me to make sure I don’t say the wrong things. But as a fashion icon, I’m poised. I don’t wear the wrong thing and I don’t say the wrong thing. [Laughter] I mean I weren’t born yesterday. I didn’t just get off the boat. Oh cheese, it’s ironic. You know, that sounds like I’m slandering immigrants. I’m not. You know I think immigrants make this country great.
[Cheers and applause]
But let’s face it, most of them, they don’t come by boat anymore. I mean they just walk right in. Right? I mean we see that every day on the news. I mean, well, Fox News anyway. Oh jeez. You know, if what I just said offended Fox News viewers I apologize. And if I heard the one Fox viewer who is also an immigrant, well, I apologize to you Madam First Lady.
[Applause]
She is an immigrant. You know, a white immigrant. But I guess that still counts. You know, but I don’t know why they’re worried about Mexico because the Chinese are taking over everything. They took over my whole house. My wife’s Asian, my daughters are Asian. And I can say this, because I’m Asian. Cauc-asian.
[Laughter]
You know me. I’m straightforward. I don’t pussyfoot around. Oh my God. I didn’t mean to say pussyfoot. I misspoke there. And if I hurt anyone who has pussy feet, I apologize to you people. No, no, I didn’t mean to say you people. I just was making it worse. Okay, so maybe let’s just skip ahead. Yeah. Next card. Next one. Keep going. Well thank God I didn’t say that. You know what? Just drop all the cards, okay? All right. We have a great show tonight. Billy Eilish is here.
[Cheers and applause]
If you choose to stick around. We’ll be right back.