Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 1




04a: Ben Affleck / Nelly

Dr. Porkenheimer's Boner Juice

Woman.....Amy Poehler
Man.....Rob Riggle

[open on a woman in a bedroom, dressed casually in what might be pajamas]

Woman: Are you ready to make the move to a strong and more lasting experience? Now you have a choice. If you're already on an ED treatment, maybe it's time for something new. Many ED specialists are recommending Dr. Porkenheimer's Boner Juice [dissolve to title screen with flame background: "Dr. Porkenheimer's (Boner Juice)"] for a stronger and more lasting experience. [dissolve to woman, shot widens to show that she is sitting on a bed, and a man joins her and places an arm affectionately around her shoulder] Bigger, and stronger. [chuckles] And more meaty. [dissolve to title screen with flame background: "MEATY"] [dissolve to woman] And there's no rush to perform. [dissolve to a goldfish in a fishbowl] It's boners when you feel right. [dissolve to woman] Giant ones. That are thick and sturdy. [dissolve to title screen with flame background: "THICK", "STURDY"] [dissolve to woman] Ask your doctor about a thicker, heavier, longer sexual experience. It's what Dr. Porkenheimer's Boner Juice is all about.

[dissolve to a montage of scenes during disclaimer]

Narrator: [voice over] [woman is getting ready to leave when man beckons her to the bed] Dr. Porkenheimer's Boner Juice is only for men healthy enough for sexual activity. [woman joins man on bed, and he kisses her hand] Do not take Boner Juice if you take nitrates for chest pains, [pan across bedroom while the bed bangs loudly on its springs] or alpha blockers for prostate problems or high blood pressure, [objects shake with the repeated impacts] as this may cause an unsafe drop in high blood pressure. [the hands of a clock race from 8 o'clock to 5 o'clock within seconds] If erection lasts less than four hours, [fishbowl shakes particularly violently] up the dosage by as much as you like. [a candle burns on a shelf]

[dissolve to woman, now with bare shoulders and looking very disheveled]

Woman: My guy? Yeah, he's happy with his boner. [shot widens to show that she is wrapped in the bedsheets, and the man is next to her with a very large erection tenting the sheet]

Narrator: In the rare case the erection should last more than twenty-four hours, call a friend and brag about it. Dr. Porkenheimer's Boner Juice. [dissolve to title screen with flame background: "Dr. Porkenheimer's (Boner Juice)"]

[fade to black]


Submitted by: DavidK93


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