Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 1

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


October 2nd, 2004

Ben Affleck



Alec Baldwin


James Gandolfini

Presidential Debate
Summary: President George W. Bush (Will Forte) and John Kerry (Seth Meyers) debate.

Recurring Characters: Jim Lehrer, President George W. Bush, John Kerry.



Ben Affleck's Monologue
Summary: Alec Baldwin accuses Ben Affleck of stealing his moves.

First Hosted: 99m.


Dr. Porkenheimer's Boner Juice
Summary: The juice that can keep men sexually-active for up to four hours.

Note: In repeats and rebroadcasts in other episodes, this commercial parody edits out the image of newcomer Rob Riggle sporting a huge erection underneath the bed sheets.


Debbie Downer
Summary: Melodramatic Debbie's (Rachel Dratch) tales of woe ruins the festivities at a friend's (Ben Affleck) birthday party.

Recurring Characters: Debbie Downer.


Swift Boat Veterans For Truth
Summary: Members of John Kerry's former military crew speak of his poor domestic history.


Florida Stop
Summary: James Carville (Ben Affleck) and Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) try in vain to get John Kerry (Seth Meyers) to act more human.

Recurring Characters: John Kerry, James Carville, Bill Clinton.


Nelly and Jaheim perform "My Place"
Also Performed: 02f.

Bio: Jaheim (1978-). R&B singer.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Summary: New Jersey Resident (James Gandolfini) comments on his state's gay governor. Hollywood celebrity Ben Affleck comments about Matt Damon's recent criticisms. Elton John (Horatio Sanz) is filled with hate.

Recurring Characters: Elton John.

Bio: James Gandolfini (1961-). Actor; portrayed crime boss Tony Soprano on HBO's "The Sopranos", 1999-2007.

Note: Amy Poehler takes over the anchor role vacated by Jimmy Fallon, exciting critics over the innovation of having two female anchors hosts the fake news segment.


The Escalator
Summary: The old joke is acted out in the style of a disaster flick when an escalator loses power and panic breaks loose.


Wedding DJ
Summary: An obnoxious disc jockey (Ben Affleck) disrupts a wedding reception.


Nelly performs "We Can Leave Her"
Also Performed: 11/16/02.

The Family
Summary: Alison Jackson's film is a voyeuristic look at the Bush Family partying at Camp David.


Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Appalachian Police Station
Summary: Members of the trailer trash community file police reports.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Netti Bo Dance, Tyler.

TV Funhouse
Summary: The X-Presidents battle President George W. Bush with a little help from Ron Reagan, Jr. and the X X-Presidents.

Note: This cartoon will air on next week's episode hosted by Queen Latifah.

Dan Rather Apology
Summary: Dan Rather (Darrell Hammond) apologizes for his latest faux pas.

Recurring Characters: Dan Rather.

Posin' with Paris Hilton
Summary: Hosting a talk show, Paris Hilton (Maya Rudolph) and Nicole Richie (Rachel Dratch) chat with Nick Nolte (Ben Affleck) and Mose (Will Forte) from "Amish In The City".

Recurring Characters: Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie.

The Recruits
Summary: Representatives from the NBA (Rob Riggle) and a respectable college (Ben Affleck) compete while courting a young basketball player (Finesse Mitchell).

Note: This sketch will air on next week's episode hosted by Queen Latifah.

Dan Rather Apology II
Summary: Dan Rather (Darrell Hammond) apologizes for the previous apology he made.

Recurring Characters: Dan Rather.

Short & Curly
Summary: The shampoo men use to keep their pubic hairs clean and shiny.

Note: This commercial parody will air on next week's episode hosted by Queen Latifah.

Community Focus
Summary: Community members (Horatio Sanz, Rob Riggle, Amy Poehler, Ben Affleck) decide which issues they want to focus on.

Bollywood Tonight
Summary: Indian talk show hostess (Maya Rudolph) interviews fellow Indian actors (Horatio Sanz, Ben Affleck).

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