Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 5









08e: Josh Brolin / Adele

MacGruber II

MacGruber.....Will Forte
Vicky.....Kristen Wiig
Kyle.....Josh Brolin




[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of a car falling from the sky, a snake, and MacGruber losing his possessions.]

Singers:
MacGruber!
The market's in a freefall, and he lost all his money!
MacGruber!
They repossessed his houseboat, and he had to pawn his saxophone!
MacGruber!
Toilet paper's a luxury now!

[CUT to MacGruber stealing toilet paper and making a run for it, against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to an Italian mafia hideout. SUPERIMPOSE caption, "Italian Mafia Hideout." CUT to a sign marked "Mafia Hideout Control Room" as sirens wail.]

Kyle: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber! This door's welded shut! We're trapped!

Vicky: And, from the looks of this makeshift gamma bomb, this we've only got twenty seconds!

MacGruber: Okay, everybody calm down! Just because time's are tough, doesn't mean we can't make it through with our dignity intact! We just have to stick together!

Vicky: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds!

MacGruber: Right! Kyle! Toss me that bobby pin!

Kyle: [ hands it over ] You got it, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay. Vicky! Hand me that key!

Vicky: [ hands it over ] Right here, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay. Kyle! Give me a thousand-dollar interest-free loan!

Kyle: What?! No!

MacGruber: Just do it! We're running out of time!

Kyle: No, I'm NOT loaning you any more money, MacGruber!

Vicky: TEN SECONDS!!

MacGruber: Okay, okay! Kyle! Hand me that watch!

Kyle: [ looking around ] What -- what watch?

MacGruber: YOUR watch!!

Kyle: No! I got this from my DAD, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Fine! Vicky! Hand me that bottle!

Kyle: [ hands it over ] Here you go!

MacGruber: [ busts the bottle on the countertop and shoves the shards toward Kyle's face ] Give me the watch! GIVE ME THE WATCH!!

Kyle: Okay! [ removes his watch and hands it over ] Here!

MacGruber: Nice... Casio. [ points his bottle shards toward Vicky ] Okay, Vicky... watch.

Vicky: [ whiny ] MacGruber... [ MacGruber snarls at her ] Fine! [ she removes her watch and hands it over ]

MacGruber: [ shakes a sock in front of their faces ] Uh, uh -- all your wallets, wedding rings -- all your valuables. Put 'em in the sock, now! Now, now, now, now, now, now!

[ assorted valuables are put into the sock ]

Vicky: [ whiny ] Nooo... that's gross...

MacGruber: Okay, Vicky -- how much time do we have?

Vicky: You took my WATCH, MacGruber!!

MacGruber: [ frantically digs through the sock ] I got it... I got it... [ he retrieves the watch ] Okay, it looks like we got about ten -- no, no, no! ONE --

[CUT to the Italian mafia hideout exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]


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