Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 8

08h: Paul Rudd / Beyonce

Suicide Jumper

Louis....Will Forte
Jamie....Bill Hader
Suicide Jumper aka Cornelius....Paul Rudd

(Opens with an emergency situation, sirens wail, police cars arrive. A suicide jumper is standing on a ledge ready to jump.)


(Cut to two rescue workers. Louis is older, he has a mustache and glasses. Jamie is younger and the rookie at the scene. They both look up at the ledge of the building and so does a small crowd of onlookers in the back.)

Jamie: He certainly seems resigned to jump off that building.

Louis: Indeed he does, indeed he does.

Jamie: Louis, give me a shot at this one.

Louis: No, Jamie. I think I better take it. One little rookie mistake and this guy is a Jackson Pollock painting all over the pavement. Watch and learn. (Over loudspeaker) Sir, what is your freaking problem?

Suicide Jumper: Whatīs my freaking problem?! Iīll tell you what my freakingīproblem is! I lost all my money in the stock market and to top it off I found out my girlfriend is banging my psychic! And you know what the worst part is?! He predicted this was gonna happen! So "f" it! Iīm gonna jump!

Louis:(to Jamie) Ah, looks like this is a sensitive case but donīt worry. I think I figure out the perfect strategy to talk him down. (Over loudspeaker) Donīt!

Suicide Jumper: No! Iīm gonna do it! Iīm gonna jump!

Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Donīt!

Suicide Jumper: I donīt have any reason to live anymore!

Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Donīt !

Suicide Jumper: Iīve been with Carlie for 10 years!

Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Donīt!

Suicide Jumper: 10 years!

Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Donīt!

Suicide Jumper: What the hell am I gonna do now?!

Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Donīt!

Suicide Jumper: I got no money!

Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Donīt!

Suicide Jumper: I got no girlfriend!

Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Donīt!

Suicide Jumper: And now Iīve got to get another psychic too!

Louis:(Over loudspeaker) Donīt!

Suicide Jumper: Please, stop saying that!

Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Donīt!

Suicide Jumper: Youīre making me feel like jumping even more!

Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Donīt! (to Jamie) Ah, this is one nut Iīm having a hard time cracking.

Jamie: Can I make a suggestion?

Louis: Suggest away.

Jamie: Try to build a rapport.

Louis: Oh, Jamie. Great idea! One freaking rapport coming up. (Over loudspeaker) Hey, whatīs your name?

Suicide Jumper: Cornelius.

Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Cornelius? Thatīs a stupid name. Look, Cornelius. Donīt!

Suicide Jumper: I swear to God I will do this, man!

Louis:(Over loudspeaker) Donīt!

Suicide Jumper: I got nothing to live for!

Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Donīt!

Suicide Jumper: Absolutely nothing....

Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Donīt!

Suicide Jumper: Look, you say "donīt" one more time and Iīm gonna jump off this building!

Louis:(Over loudspeaker) Do not!

Suicide Jumper: Iīm gonna do it!

Louis: (to Jamie) Well, this one is a lost cause. Letīs clear a spot for him to jump and get our towels and cleaning supplies ready. (Over loudspeaker) Ok, let it rip!

Suicide Jumper: Fine. Here I go!

Jamie: You mind if I get a crack at this?

Louis:(Over loudspeaker) Ok, wait, wait, wait! Donīt, donīt! Do not! My partner here would like to practice on you a little.

Suicide Jumper: Practice?

Louis: (Over loudspeakers) Yeah, thanks for understanding. Just, you know, give him a minute or two and then whenever you feel like jumping, go for it. But can I ask you a favor that could help with our cleanup process? If you could just zip up your sweatshirt and put on your hood, it could really help us with splashback. (to Jamie) All right, take her home, newbie.

Jamie: I, Iīm really nervous. (Over loudspeaker, meekly) Hey, Cornelius. My name is Jamie. How are you?

Suicide Jumper: Iīm bad!

Jamie: (Over loudspeaker) Why donīt you try to be good?

Suicide Jumper: What?!

Jamie: (Over loudspeaker) Ah, you want to play some ping-pong?

Suicide Jumper: No!

Jamie: (Over loudspeaker) Foosball?

Suicide Jumper: No!

Jamie: (Over loudspeaker) Change your mind about the ping-pong?

Suicide Jumper: No!

Jamie: (Over loudspeaker, barely audible) Oh, look, donīt.

Suicide Jumper: You guys are nuts!

Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Ok, just one more minute! Donīt, donīt. Do not! (to Jamie) Look, Jamie. You were doing great. Ok. Just speak from your heart.

Jamie: Ok, Iīll try. (Over loudspeaker) Look, Cornelius... I know how you feel cause Iīve been in your shoes. (Sentimental music) I was on a ledge about to jump and a very special man came into my life and he talked me down. He's been my best friend ever since and I know heīs gonna hate me for saying this....

Louis: ( emotional) Donīt...

Jamie: No, Louis. I want you to know something.

Louis: Donīt.

Jamie: No, I need to say this.

Louis: Donīt.

Jamie: I love you.

Louis: Aww, Iīm gonna cry.

Suicide Jumper: What the hell are you guys doing?!

Louis: Jamie, thereīs something I want to tell you...

Suicide Jumper: IīM GONNA JUMP!

Louis and Jamie: (Over loudspeaker) Donīt!

Louis: Jamie, I just want you to know...

Jamie: (emotional) Donīt.

Louis: That you make me....

Jamie: Donīt.

Louis: Incredibly proud.

Suicide Jumper: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

(Cornelius jumps to his death. Louis, Jamie and the crowd of onlookers follow the drop of Cornelius)

(Crash! The body lands on a car and the alarm goes off. Jamie takes his beeper out and turns it off.)

Jamie: Sorry, Louis. I let you down.

Louis: No way. At the end of the day our jobs is about one thing and one thing only. Getting them off the building. And that gentleman is off the building in a very real way.

Jamie: We did our jobs?

Louis: With flying colors. Ah, speaking of flying colors, he didnīt zip his sweatshirt. Splashback!

Jamie: Splashback!


(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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