Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley

Stuart Smalley.....Al Franken



Stuart Smalley V/O: I deserve good things. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am attractive person. I am fun to be with.

Announcer: "Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley". Stuart Smalley is a caring nurturer, a member of several 12-step programs, but not a licensed therapist.

[ open on Stuart giving himself a pep talk in his full-length mirror ]

Stuart Smalley: I'm gonna do a terrific show today, and I'm gonna help people because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me.

Hello. I'm Stuart smalley. Uh.. before I start the Halloween show, I just want to make amdes for yesterday's show, in which I said Madonna was shame-based and sick in her own disease. I.. I had no right to take Madonna's inventory. As we say in Program, when you point a finger at someone, you have three fingers pointing back at you.. and.. I guess.. a thumb pointing up at God. Or something. Whatever. I don't know. I'm sorry. Okay.

Anyway, today is Halloween, and I decided to wear a costume, as a treat to my inner child. It's a skeleton, because it's scary, and because it reminds me that I'm a human being. And that's.. okay. That's what I am. And, besides, I think it makes me look thinner. Now, I had thought of trying to come up with something a little more creative or original, like dressing up as a feeling. But what does dread look like, you know, other than my mother? Anyway, of course I'm gonna be home tonight when all the little ghosts and goblins knock on my door "Trick-or-treat." And I decided not to give out any candy, because I don't want to enable any little sugar addicts, which, believe me, I was. I used to go home with my big bag of candy and eat it all in one night, and get sick and try to puke.. but I couldn't, and that's why I weighed nearly 300 pounds. Believe me, binging was not a problem; purging, I ust could not do. So, instead of candy this year, I've decided to give out rice cakes. A few kids might be disappointed, but that's.. okay. It's their problem.

Anyway, tonight I've decided to do something a little different. Take a risk. Tonight, I'm going to tell a scary story. You're going to be frightened, but that's.. okay. It's Halloween. It's appropriate. Okay. Now, close your eyes. Come on, only you can help you. That's good. Okay.

It's a dark, dark night. And this 12-year-old girl is at home babysitting for her little brother and sister, who are asleep upstairs. And she's really scared, because it's a big house, and because it's a dysfunctinoal family, and it's just a scary place to begin with. When suddenly, the phone rings. She picks up, and the voice on the other end says.. [ mumbles incoherently ] And the girl says, "What?" And the voice says.. [ mumbles incoherently ] So she hangs up the phone, now she's really scared! So she runs upstairs and checks on the kids, and they're fine, so she goes back downstairs. But she's really scared, so she eats soem Sara Lee, or something.

And then, the phone rings again. She picks it up, and the voice says.. [ mumbles incoherently ] Well, now she's really scared, and she calls up the operator and says, "I'm getting all these weird calls, and it's scary!" And the operator says, "Hang up, and we'll stay on the line and see if we can trace it."

So, the girl hangs up the phone, and right away the phone rings. She picks it up, and the voice says.. [ mumbles incoherently ] And just then, the operator jumps on the line and says, "The call's coming from inside the house! It's your father, and he's been drinking!"

Isn't that scary? But don't worry, it's okay. The operator reported the incident to the Department of Youths and Family Services. They did the intervention, the father is in AA, the girl's in Al-ateen, and the whole family's in therapy. Now, isn't that a great Halloween story. It's scary, but with a positive ending.

You know what, I think this has been one of my best shows ever! And, you know what? I deserve it. Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me.


SNL Transcripts