Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 18

98r: Cuba Goding, Jr. / Ricky Martin

Improvised Bible Miniseries

Jasper Flynn....Chris Parnell
Barry....Horatio Sanz
Jesus....Will Ferrell
Paul....Cuba Gooding Jr.

(Opens with a helicopter view of the TV studio and parking lot. Cut to the inside of it, TV movie set of religious film. Director Jasper Flynn is in the middle of the set, has a camera lens hanging from the neck, busy people on the set)

Jasper Flynn: Are they miked?

Barry: No.

Jasper Flynn: OK, we'll go mic them. (Barry leaves)OK, people!, gather round!, gather round!(Actor dressed as Jesus joins Jasper on the set and so is black actor with a dreadlocks wig dressed as an apostle. He plays Paul) My name is Jasper Flynn and as some of you may know I directed "The Noah's Ark" miniseries for ABC.

Paul: Oh, you did a really great job.

Jesus: Really good job.

Jasper Flynn: OK, simmer down. Its come to our attention that CBS is planning a miniseries based on the life of Jesus. So we here at NBC are going to steal that idea and get our version out before they do.

Jesus: Well, isn't the CBS one coming out in 3 weeks?

Jasper Flynn: Yes, that's why we're starting shooting today.

Paul: Today?! I haven't even seen a script yet.

Jasper Flynn: Oh, there is no script. No time. We're gonna have to improvise it.

Jesus: You know, I don't feel comfortable improvising the Bible.

Paul: Yeah, I haven't read the Bible in like 10 years.

Jasper Flynn: Hey!, don't worry. It'll come back to ya. OK, places! This is the scene where Jesus makes Paul the disciple and....Action!

(Jasper leaves scene, biblical music plays. Actors are frozen with fear, unsure of their movements, nervous)

Jasper Flynn: (off camera) Go ahead! Improvise!

Jesus: Hey, you must be Paul. What's up?

Paul: Nothing. Um,um, I'm just.....with you. Because of the power.....of your light.

Jesus: Thanks.

Paul:(Breaks character, music stops)Look, look I don't want to do this.

Jesus: Yeah, I don't wanna....

Jasper Flynn:(gets up, joins the actors)That's great!, that's great! Keep rolling, listen just draw from your own experiences. What would you do in this situation? Go!(leaves, music resumes)

Paul:'re pretty powerful, man. You got a lot of powers. Can you fly?

Jesus: Yeah, yeah I can fly and I've got heat vision.

Paul: Wow!, things sure are here olden times.

Jasper Flynn:(from his chair)Good! That was crisp! Now remember, this is the first time you've met!

Jesus: So Paul...I hear you're good at discipling.

Paul: Who,...who told you that?

Jesus: Uh,um,um, you know....Barry.

Paul: Oh, how, how is Barry, J-J-J-Jesus?

Jesus: He's good, he's good. Yeah, I don't know, Barry is weird sometimes.

Paul: Yeah, I guess. Barry and I went to soccer camp together.

Jesus: Oh!

(Jasper from his director's chair, chooses a crew member holding a boom mike next to him)

Jasper Flynn: You! I like your look. You play Barry. Get in there!

Barry: No.

Jasper Flynn: Hey!, do it! You're Barry, go!

(Barry mic on hand and contemporary street clothes reluctantly joins the religious scene with Paul and Jesus)

Barry: Hey, losers.

Paul: What's up Barry?

Jesus: How is it going, B-man?

Barry: Well, what's up Jesus? (Breaks character) Come on, man! This stinks!

Jasper Flynn: Cut!, cut! That was great! That was great! (Joins them on the scene)

Paul: No, it wasn't.

Jasper Flynn: Aaaaah!, I think we're into something! OK, we've got that scene. Let's go to the part where Jesus betrays Barry.

Paul: What?!

Jesus: Wait, wait. Jesus betrays Barry? That's not in the Bible.

Jasper Flynn: Well, the National Broadcasting Company says it is. So, action! (leaves)

Jesus: You, you should probably make an entrance.

Barry: Oh. (leaves)

Paul: So, what's up with Barry? Is he coming to the party you're having tonight or what?

Jesus: No, he can't. You didn't hear? Barry died.

Jasper Flynn: Ha, ha, ha. Nice try. Cue Barry! Go! (pushes Barry out to the scene)

Barry: What's up Jesus? You talking smack about me?

Jesus: What if I am?

Barry: Well, then I'll beat you till I break a sweat! How about that! (drops mic, pushes Jesus)

Jesus: All right!(pushes back)

Barry: You want some of this!(Paul breaks them up)

Paul: Come on!, come on! Come on, Barry! Come on, Jesus! Don't fight, you guys! I mean, come on! You guys have been friends since the Coast Guard. I mean, Jesus you named your kid Barry! So, come on guys. What do you say we get a bucket of cold Rolling Rocks and sit on a roof and watch the planes land, huh? Come on.

Barry: OK.

(Breaks character one more time)

Jesus: This sucks!

Jasper Flynn: Hey! Zip it, Jesus!

(Fades to black)

(Caption: Two Weeks Later)

Promo: NBC Miniseries. The New Testament

Announcer: And now the conclusion of the epic saga that is "The New Testament" on NBC.

(Cut to a modern times teenager room. Posters, soft rock music plays. Jesus sits on the edge of bed and lifts weights with his right arm. Paul plays basketball with little sponge ball and little basket hoop that's on top of the dresser)

Caption: Jerusalem 30 A.D.

Paul: Hey, Jesus! Where's Barry at?

(Barry walks in the door)

Barry: What's up, bro-hams!!

Paul: What you been up to, Bare?!!(shake hands)

Barry: Hey, man! I don't know. Killing the devil. Barry Power!!!

(Scene freezes with Barry raising his fist, big smile on his face)

Caption: THE END?

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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