98r: Cuba Goding, Jr. / Ricky Martin
Improvised Bible Miniseries
Jasper Flynn....Chris Parnell
Paul....Cuba Gooding Jr.
(Opens with a helicopter view of the TV studio and
parking lot. Cut to the inside of it, TV movie set of
religious film. Director Jasper Flynn is in the middle
of the set, has a camera lens hanging from the neck,
busy people on the set)
Jasper Flynn: Are they miked?
Jasper Flynn: OK, we'll go mic them. (Barry leaves)OK,
people!, gather round!, gather round!(Actor dressed as
Jesus joins Jasper on the set and so is black actor
with a dreadlocks wig dressed as an apostle. He plays
Paul) My name is Jasper Flynn and as some of you may
know I directed "The Noah's Ark" miniseries for ABC.
Paul: Oh, you did a really great job.
Jesus: Really good job.
Jasper Flynn: OK, simmer down. Its come to our
attention that CBS is planning a miniseries based on
the life of Jesus. So we here at NBC are going to
steal that idea and get our version out before they
Jesus: Well, isn't the CBS one coming out in 3 weeks?
Jasper Flynn: Yes, that's why we're starting shooting today.
Paul: Today?! I haven't even seen a script yet.
Jasper Flynn: Oh, there is no script. No time. We're
gonna have to improvise it.
Jesus: You know, I don't feel comfortable improvising the Bible.
Paul: Yeah, I haven't read the Bible in like 10 years.
Jasper Flynn: Hey!, don't worry. It'll come back to
ya. OK, places! This is the scene where Jesus makes
Paul the disciple and....Action!
(Jasper leaves scene, biblical music plays. Actors are
frozen with fear, unsure of their movements, nervous)
Jasper Flynn: (off camera) Go ahead! Improvise!
Jesus: Hey, you must be Paul. What's up?
Paul: Nothing. Um,um, I'm just.....with you. Because
of the power.....of your light.
Paul:(Breaks character, music stops)Look, look I don't want to do this.
Jesus: Yeah, I don't wanna....
Jasper Flynn:(gets up, joins the actors)That's great!,
that's great! Keep rolling, listen just draw from your
own experiences. What would you do in this situation?
Go!(leaves, music resumes)
Paul: So...you're pretty powerful, man. You got a lot of powers. Can you fly?
Jesus: Yeah, yeah I can fly and I've got heat vision.
Paul: Wow!, things sure are exciting....in here olden times.
Jasper Flynn:(from his chair)Good! That was crisp! Now
remember, this is the first time you've met!
Jesus: So Paul...I hear you're good at discipling.
Paul: Who,...who told you that?
Jesus: Uh,um,um, you know....Barry.
Paul: Oh, how, how is Barry, J-J-J-Jesus?
Jesus: He's good, he's good. Yeah, I don't know, Barry is weird sometimes.
Paul: Yeah, I guess. Barry and I went to soccer camp together.
(Jasper from his director's chair, chooses a crew member holding a boom mike next to him)
Jasper Flynn: You! I like your look. You play Barry. Get in there!
Jasper Flynn: Hey!, do it! You're Barry, go!
(Barry mic on hand and contemporary street clothes
reluctantly joins the religious scene with Paul and
Barry: Hey, losers.
Paul: What's up Barry?
Jesus: How is it going, B-man?
Barry: Well, what's up Jesus? (Breaks character) Come on, man! This stinks!
Jasper Flynn: Cut!, cut! That was great! That was great! (Joins them on the scene)
Paul: No, it wasn't.
Jasper Flynn: Aaaaah!, I think we're into something!
OK, we've got that scene. Let's go to the part where
Jesus betrays Barry.
Jesus: Wait, wait. Jesus betrays Barry? That's not in the Bible.
Jasper Flynn: Well, the National Broadcasting Company
says it is. So, action! (leaves)
Jesus: You, you should probably make an entrance.
Barry: Oh. (leaves)
Paul: So, what's up with Barry? Is he coming to the
party you're having tonight or what?
Jesus: No, he can't. You didn't hear? Barry died.
Jasper Flynn: Ha, ha, ha. Nice try. Cue Barry!
Go! (pushes Barry out to the scene)
Barry: What's up Jesus? You talking smack about me?
Jesus: What if I am?
Barry: Well, then I'll beat you till I break a sweat!
How about that! (drops mic, pushes Jesus)
Jesus: All right!(pushes back)
Barry: You want some of this!(Paul breaks them up)
Paul: Come on!, come on! Come on, Barry! Come on,
Jesus! Don't fight, you guys! I mean, come on! You
guys have been friends since the Coast Guard. I mean,
Jesus you named your kid Barry! So, come on guys. What
do you say we get a bucket of cold Rolling Rocks and
sit on a roof and watch the planes land, huh? Come on.
(Breaks character one more time)
Jesus: This sucks!
Jasper Flynn: Hey! Zip it, Jesus!
(Fades to black)
(Caption: Two Weeks Later)
Promo: NBC Miniseries. The New Testament
Announcer: And now the conclusion of the epic saga
that is "The New Testament" on NBC.
(Cut to a modern times teenager room. Posters, soft
rock music plays. Jesus sits on the edge of bed and
lifts weights with his right arm. Paul plays
basketball with little sponge ball and little basket
hoop that's on top of the dresser)
Caption: Jerusalem 30 A.D.
Paul: Hey, Jesus! Where's Barry at?
(Barry walks in the door)
Barry: What's up, bro-hams!!
Paul: What you been up to, Bare?!!(shake hands)
Barry: Hey, man! I don't know. Killing the devil. Barry Power!!!
(Scene freezes with Barry raising his fist, big smile on his face)
Caption: THE END?
(Cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel