Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 18
98r: Cuba Goding, Jr. / Ricky Martin
Improvised Bible Miniseries
Jasper Flynn….Chris Parnell
Barry….Horatio Sanz
Jesus….Will Ferrell
Paul….Cuba Gooding Jr.
(Opens with a helicopter view of the TV studio andparking lot. Cut to the inside of it, TV movie set ofreligious film. Director Jasper Flynn is in the middleof the set, has a camera lens hanging from the neck,busy people on the set)
Jasper Flynn: Are they miked?
Barry: No.
Jasper Flynn: OK, we’ll go mic them. (Barry leaves)OK,people!, gather round!, gather round!(Actor dressed asJesus joins Jasper on the set and so is black actorwith a dreadlocks wig dressed as an apostle. He playsPaul) My name is Jasper Flynn and as some of you mayknow I directed “The Noah’s Ark” miniseries for ABC.
Paul: Oh, you did a really great job.
Jesus: Really good job.
Jasper Flynn: OK, simmer down. Its come to ourattention that CBS is planning a miniseries based onthe life of Jesus. So we here at NBC are going tosteal that idea and get our version out before theydo.
Jesus: Well, isn’t the CBS one coming out in 3 weeks?
Jasper Flynn: Yes, that’s why we’re starting shooting today.
Paul: Today?! I haven’t even seen a script yet.
Jasper Flynn: Oh, there is no script. No time. We’regonna have to improvise it.
Jesus: You know, I don’t feel comfortable improvising the Bible.
Paul: Yeah, I haven’t read the Bible in like 10 years.
Jasper Flynn: Hey!, don’t worry. It’ll come back toya. OK, places! This is the scene where Jesus makesPaul the disciple and….Action!
(Jasper leaves scene, biblical music plays. Actors arefrozen with fear, unsure of their movements, nervous)
Jasper Flynn: (off camera) Go ahead! Improvise!
Jesus: Hey, you must be Paul. What’s up?
Paul: Nothing. Um,um, I’m just…..with you. Becauseof the power…..of your light.
Jesus: Thanks.
Paul:(Breaks character, music stops)Look, look I don’t want to do this.
Jesus: Yeah, I don’t wanna….
Jasper Flynn:(gets up, joins the actors)That’s great!,that’s great! Keep rolling, listen just draw from yourown experiences. What would you do in this situation?Go!(leaves, music resumes)
Paul: So…you’re pretty powerful, man. You got a lot of powers. Can you fly?
Jesus: Yeah, yeah I can fly and I’ve got heat vision.
Paul: Wow!, things sure are exciting….in here olden times.
Jasper Flynn:(from his chair)Good! That was crisp! Nowremember, this is the first time you’ve met!
Jesus: So Paul…I hear you’re good at discipling.
Paul: Who,…who told you that?
Jesus: Uh,um,um, you know….Barry.
Paul: Oh, how, how is Barry, J-J-J-Jesus?
Jesus: He’s good, he’s good. Yeah, I don’t know, Barry is weird sometimes.
Paul: Yeah, I guess. Barry and I went to soccer camp together.
Jesus: Oh!
(Jasper from his director’s chair, chooses a crew member holding a boom mike next to him)
Jasper Flynn: You! I like your look. You play Barry. Get in there!
Barry: No.
Jasper Flynn: Hey!, do it! You’re Barry, go!
(Barry mic on hand and contemporary street clothesreluctantly joins the religious scene with Paul andJesus)
Barry: Hey, losers.
Paul: What’s up Barry?
Jesus: How is it going, B-man?
Barry: Well, what’s up Jesus? (Breaks character) Come on, man! This stinks!
Jasper Flynn: Cut!, cut! That was great! That was great! (Joins them on the scene)
Paul: No, it wasn’t.
Jasper Flynn: Aaaaah!, I think we’re into something!OK, we’ve got that scene. Let’s go to the part whereJesus betrays Barry.
Paul: What?!
Jesus: Wait, wait. Jesus betrays Barry? That’s not in the Bible.
Jasper Flynn: Well, the National Broadcasting Companysays it is. So, action! (leaves)
Jesus: You, you should probably make an entrance.
Barry: Oh. (leaves)
Paul: So, what’s up with Barry? Is he coming to theparty you’re having tonight or what?
Jesus: No, he can’t. You didn’t hear? Barry died.
Jasper Flynn: Ha, ha, ha. Nice try. Cue Barry!Go! (pushes Barry out to the scene)
Barry: What’s up Jesus? You talking smack about me?
Jesus: What if I am?
Barry: Well, then I’ll beat you till I break a sweat!How about that! (drops mic, pushes Jesus)
Jesus: All right!(pushes back)
Barry: You want some of this!(Paul breaks them up)
Paul: Come on!, come on! Come on, Barry! Come on,Jesus! Don’t fight, you guys! I mean, come on! Youguys have been friends since the Coast Guard. I mean,Jesus you named your kid Barry! So, come on guys. Whatdo you say we get a bucket of cold Rolling Rocks andsit on a roof and watch the planes land, huh? Come on.
Barry: OK.
(Breaks character one more time)
Jesus: This sucks!
Jasper Flynn: Hey! Zip it, Jesus!
(Fades to black)
(Caption: Two Weeks Later)
Promo: NBC Miniseries. The New Testament
Announcer: And now the conclusion of the epic sagathat is “The New Testament” on NBC.
(Cut to a modern times teenager room. Posters, softrock music plays. Jesus sits on the edge of bed andlifts weights with his right arm. Paul playsbasketball with little sponge ball and little baskethoop that’s on top of the dresser)
Caption: Jerusalem 30 A.D.
Paul: Hey, Jesus! Where’s Barry at?
(Barry walks in the door)
Barry: What’s up, bro-hams!!
Paul: What you been up to, Bare?!!(shake hands)
Barry: Hey, man! I don’t know. Killing the devil. Barry Power!!!
(Scene freezes with Barry raising his fist, big smile on his face)
Caption: THE END?
(Cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
