Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 18
The Ladis Man
Leon Phelps…..Tim Meadows
[fade up to Leon Phelps sitting in his room with “The Ladies’ Man” superimposed; lights are down]
Voiceover: Oh yeah! It’s time for The Ladies’ Man!
[title fades out, lights come up]
Leon Phelps: Hey hey…[laughs] Thank you! What’s happenin’ everybody, and welcome to “The Ladies’ Man.” The loveline with all the right responses to your romantic queries! I’m Leon Phelps, and how y’all doin’ tonight? Hm? [cheers and applause] Yeah….That’s good. I’m doin’ pretty fine, I’ve got my [shows bottle of Courvoisier] Courvoisier right here! [some applause] That’s right! And very soon, I will take your calls, but before I take any calls, I will be joined tonight by a very sexy and very special lady, who has done more to educate this country on the ways of love than anyone else on the planet. Will you please welcome my guest, Ms. Monica [claps] Lewinsky. [cheers and applause] Come on [stands up] everybody! Yeah!
[enter Monica Lewinsky]
Monica Lewinsky: Thank you! [she and Leon kiss each other on the cheek]
Leon: Ooh, yeah! Have a seat. [he and Monica sit down] Oh, you are looking good, baby!
Monica: Oh, thank you!
Leon: Ye-e-eah! Now, Miss Lewinsky will be quite helpful to us because, uh, I have been told that when it comes to matters of the heart in her own personal relationships, uh, she is known for showing very good judgment, is that correct?
Monica: That’s right, Leon.
Leon: That’s right.
Monica: In fact, um…I’d say I’ve really only been wrong once!
Leon: M hm! Well, you know, we all make mistakes, you know? That’s why God invented the Mexican divorce, you know? So uh, how about we take some calls, all right?
Leon: All right….Go ahead caller, you’ve got “The Ladies’ Man.”
Caller #1: Hello, Ladies’ Man?
Leon: Oooh, it’s a lady! Ha ha! What seems to be your query?
Caller #1: Um, I’m worried, um, I’ve started a relationship with someone at work.
Leon: Yeah. Well, you know, I know that they always say that you should not dip your wang in the company ink, um, but…you know, I think that people should feel free to dip their wangs into anything around the office. You know…Wite-Out, coffee, a box of paper clips, it does not matter.
Caller #1: Right, right. Well, well a – anyway, this guy at work is considerably [Leon takes a sip of Courvoisier] older than me…
Caller #1: …and also, he’s my boss.
Leon: Oh, your boss? Uh, well Monica, maybe you should answer this one.
Caller #1: Um…
Monica: Um, well, I’d say it’s not a good idea to get involved with people you work with. Believe me. Uh, [chuckles] first, people around the office start gossiping, and the next thing you know, your face is all over Arabic newspapers.
Leon: Ye-eah! I know that’s what happens to me all the time!…Anyway, let’s take another call, go ahead, caller.
Caller #2: Hello, Ladies’ Man. Um, my long-time boyfriend recently took a job in another [takes a sip of Courvoisier] state, and this long-distance relationship is really tearing us apart.
Leon: [after a long pause] M hm.
Caller #2: You know, so, do you think we should try phone sex?
Leon: No. Absolutely not. Um, as one who has tried it, I can tell you it is not good idea to have sex with a phone….Yeah.
Monica: Leon, that’s not what phone sex is.
Leon: [chuckles] Yeah listen, I know, Monica, um…but I had to try it anyways, you know? U – um…you know, I was really drunk one time, and uh…you know, it was one of those, uh, Garfield phones, and uh [some applause]…I’ll be damned if that little orange bastard didn’t start looking good one night! [applause]…But anyway, Monica, maybe the – maybe you can shed some light on the subject.
Monica: [chuckles nervously] Well, um, I did have phone sex with this one guy…
Leon: [nods] Mm.
Monica: His name doesn’t really matter.
Leon: Ye-e-eah! Uh, why don’t we just call him “William Howard Taft,” all right?…And I think you know who I mean by “William Howard Taft.”
Monica: Anyway caller, uh, my only advice about phone sex would be if you do it…don’t tell anybody about it!
Leon: Hm hmm! Well, you know, you could probably tell your best friend though, right?
Monica: No. [chuckles dryly]
Leon: Well, I mean if she was an older, unattractive type lady? [cheers and applause]…Huh? [he and Monica look at each other and laugh]
Monica: Definitely not!
Leon: Okay then! That’s your answer there, caller, thank you!…Next caller.
[cars are zooming by in the background of caller #3’s line]
Caller #3: [undistinguishable between male or female] Hello, Ladies’ Man?
Leon: Heey, it’s a…well, I’m not sure what it is, exactly.
Caller #3: It’s Linda Tripp, Leon.
Leon: Ohhh, well it’s Linda Tripp, [cut to picture of Linda Tripp as played by John Goodman with caption “ON PHONE: Linda Tripp”] everybody! [cheers and applause] Welcome, uh…welcome to the show, Linda!
Linda Tripp: Thanks, Leon.
[cut to Leon and Monica]
Leon: Uh, you have to speak up, honey, I can barely hear you.
Linda: I’m in a phone booth outside a Dunkin’ Donuts on the Jersey Turnpike. Traffic’s pretty heavy.
Leon: Yeah, w – w…well, what seems to be your query?
Linda: Well, [clears throat] you know how I’m the most hated person in America?
Leon and Monica: [looking at each other] Yeah.
Linda: Well, I was just wondering, since you have Monica on the show, maybe she could find it in her heart to forgive me. [clicking noises are now heard on the line]
Monica: Forgive you? [Leon and she begin looking puzzled] After what…wait! What’s that clicking noise, Linda? Are you recording this?!
Linda: No. Uh, people driving by are throwing cans and bottles at me. So what do you say, Monica? Do you think you can forgive me?
Monica: No way.
Leon: Well, there you have it, uh, you heard it here first. Uh, for the rest of her life, Miss Lewinsky will hold a bitter, heart-felt grudge against John Goodman. Okay? But, um, that is all the time that we have on “The Ladies’ Man.” But before I go, uh, Monica, I’d be remissed, um, if I didn’t ask you the one question that is on everybody’s mind.
Monica: Oh. [takes a deep breath] Okay!
Leon: Okay. Just exactly how big do you think the opening weekend for Star Wars will be? [applause and cheers]
Monica: Oh…it’ll be huge.
Leon: Ye-eah, huge! I knew it! Ye-e-eah! [cheers and applause]…All right, then! Well, thank you Monica, very much, and we’ll see you next time on “The Ladies’ Man.”
[fade up title; Leon and Monica chat as the lights dim]
[fade to black]
Submitted by: Gregory Larson