SNL Transcripts: Cuba Gooding Jr.: 05/08/99: The Ladis Man

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 18

98r: Cuba Gooding Jr. / Ricky Martin

The Ladis Man

Leon Phelps…..Tim Meadows
…..Monica Lewinsky

[fade up to Leon Phelps sitting in his room with “The Ladies’ Man” superimposed; lights are down]

Voiceover: Oh yeah! It’s time for The Ladies’ Man!

[title fades out, lights come up]

Leon Phelps: Hey hey…[laughs] Thank you! What’s happenin’ everybody, and welcome to “The Ladies’ Man.” The loveline with all the right responses to your romantic queries! I’m Leon Phelps, and how y’all doin’ tonight? Hm? [cheers and applause] Yeah….That’s good. I’m doin’ pretty fine, I’ve got my [shows bottle of Courvoisier] Courvoisier right here! [some applause] That’s right! And very soon, I will take your calls, but before I take any calls, I will be joined tonight by a very sexy and very special lady, who has done more to educate this country on the ways of love than anyone else on the planet. Will you please welcome my guest, Ms. Monica [claps] Lewinsky. [cheers and applause] Come on [stands up] everybody! Yeah!

[enter Monica Lewinsky]

Monica Lewinsky: Thank you! [she and Leon kiss each other on the cheek]

Leon: Ooh, yeah! Have a seat. [he and Monica sit down] Oh, you are looking good, baby!

Monica: Oh, thank you!

Leon: Ye-e-eah! Now, Miss Lewinsky will be quite helpful to us because, uh, I have been told that when it comes to matters of the heart in her own personal relationships, uh, she is known for showing very good judgment, is that correct?

Monica: That’s right, Leon.

Leon: That’s right.

Monica: In fact, um…I’d say I’ve really only been wrong once!

Leon: M hm! Well, you know, we all make mistakes, you know? That’s why God invented the Mexican divorce, you know? So uh, how about we take some calls, all right?

Monica: Okay.

Leon: All right….Go ahead caller, you’ve got “The Ladies’ Man.”

Caller #1: Hello, Ladies’ Man?

Leon: Oooh, it’s a lady! Ha ha! What seems to be your query?

Caller #1: Um, I’m worried, um, I’ve started a relationship with someone at work.

Leon: Yeah. Well, you know, I know that they always say that you should not dip your wang in the company ink, um, but…you know, I think that people should feel free to dip their wangs into anything around the office. You know…Wite-Out, coffee, a box of paper clips, it does not matter.

Caller #1: Right, right. Well, well a – anyway, this guy at work is considerably [Leon takes a sip of Courvoisier] older than me…

Leon: Mm.

Caller #1: …and also, he’s my boss.

Leon: Oh, your boss? Uh, well Monica, maybe you should answer this one.

Caller #1: Um…

Monica: Um, well, I’d say it’s not a good idea to get involved with people you work with. Believe me. Uh, [chuckles] first, people around the office start gossiping, and the next thing you know, your face is all over Arabic newspapers.

Leon: Ye-eah! I know that’s what happens to me all the time!…Anyway, let’s take another call, go ahead, caller.

Caller #2: Hello, Ladies’ Man. Um, my long-time boyfriend recently took a job in another [takes a sip of Courvoisier] state, and this long-distance relationship is really tearing us apart.

Leon: [after a long pause] M hm.

Caller #2: You know, so, do you think we should try phone sex?

Leon: No. Absolutely not. Um, as one who has tried it, I can tell you it is not good idea to have sex with a phone….Yeah.

Monica: Leon, that’s not what phone sex is.

Leon: [chuckles] Yeah listen, I know, Monica, um…but I had to try it anyways, you know? U – um…you know, I was really drunk one time, and uh…you know, it was one of those, uh, Garfield phones, and uh [some applause]…I’ll be damned if that little orange bastard didn’t start looking good one night! [applause]…But anyway, Monica, maybe the – maybe you can shed some light on the subject.

Monica: [chuckles nervously] Well, um, I did have phone sex with this one guy…

Leon: [nods] Mm.

Monica: His name doesn’t really matter.

Leon: Ye-e-eah! Uh, why don’t we just call him “William Howard Taft,” all right?…And I think you know who I mean by “William Howard Taft.”

Monica: Anyway caller, uh, my only advice about phone sex would be if you do it…don’t tell anybody about it!

Leon: Hm hmm! Well, you know, you could probably tell your best friend though, right?

Monica: No. [chuckles dryly]

Leon: Well, I mean if she was an older, unattractive type lady? [cheers and applause]…Huh? [he and Monica look at each other and laugh]

Monica: Definitely not!

Leon: Okay then! That’s your answer there, caller, thank you!…Next caller.

[cars are zooming by in the background of caller #3’s line]

Caller #3: [undistinguishable between male or female] Hello, Ladies’ Man?

Leon: Heey, it’s a…well, I’m not sure what it is, exactly.

Caller #3: It’s Linda Tripp, Leon.

Leon: Ohhh, well it’s Linda Tripp, [cut to picture of Linda Tripp as played by John Goodman with caption “ON PHONE: Linda Tripp”] everybody! [cheers and applause] Welcome, uh…welcome to the show, Linda!

Linda Tripp: Thanks, Leon.

[cut to Leon and Monica]

Leon: Uh, you have to speak up, honey, I can barely hear you.

Linda: I’m in a phone booth outside a Dunkin’ Donuts on the Jersey Turnpike. Traffic’s pretty heavy.

Monica: Figures.

Leon: Yeah, w – w…well, what seems to be your query?

Linda: Well, [clears throat] you know how I’m the most hated person in America?

Leon and Monica: [looking at each other] Yeah.

Linda: Well, I was just wondering, since you have Monica on the show, maybe she could find it in her heart to forgive me. [clicking noises are now heard on the line]

Monica: Forgive you? [Leon and she begin looking puzzled] After what…wait! What’s that clicking noise, Linda? Are you recording this?!

Linda: No. Uh, people driving by are throwing cans and bottles at me. So what do you say, Monica? Do you think you can forgive me?

Monica: No way.

Leon: Well, there you have it, uh, you heard it here first. Uh, for the rest of her life, Miss Lewinsky will hold a bitter, heart-felt grudge against John Goodman. Okay? But, um, that is all the time that we have on “The Ladies’ Man.” But before I go, uh, Monica, I’d be remissed, um, if I didn’t ask you the one question that is on everybody’s mind.

Monica: Oh. [takes a deep breath] Okay!

Leon: Okay. Just exactly how big do you think the opening weekend for Star Wars will be? [applause and cheers]

Monica: Oh…it’ll be huge.

Leon: Ye-eah, huge! I knew it! Ye-e-eah! [cheers and applause]…All right, then! Well, thank you Monica, very much, and we’ll see you next time on “The Ladies’ Man.”

[fade up title; Leon and Monica chat as the lights dim]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Cuba Gooding Jr.: 05/08/99: Lotto I

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 18

98r: Cuba Gooding Jr. / Ricky Martin

Lotto I

Father…..Will Ferrell
Mother…..Molly Shannon

[Fade up to a dissolving series of slow-moving shots of a baby in a home, along with its mother and father loving it and taking care of it. The last shot in the series is the father, worried. The song “Always” by Patsy Cline plays throughout the commercial.]

“I’ll be loving you, always
With a love that’s true, always…”

Voiceover: You love them so much. And because you love them, you owe it to them to think about the future. Life doesn’t always work out the way we’ve planned. What would happen to them if something happened to you? [dissolve from the worried father to Lotto logo] Lotto. [fade up “for the ones you love” underneath the logo] For the ones you love.

[cut to a shot of the baby] [fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Cuba Gooding Jr.: 05/08/99: Lotto II

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 18

98r: Cuba Gooding Jr. / Ricky Martin

Lotto II

Black Man…..Tracy Morgan
Country Man…..Chris Kattan
Gas Station Attendant…..Horatio Sanz

[fade up to a black man]

Black man: The odds was against me.

[cut to a gas station attendant]

Gas station attendant: “Why don’t you give up?” they said.

[cut to a country man]

Country man: “People like you are just wasting your time.”

[cut to a middle-aged woman talking; moderately soft piano music plays throughout the rest of the commercial]

Announcer: All across America, people like these are [cut to a Native American man talking] proving the experts wrong. Believing in themselves and beating the odds. [dissolve to Lotto logo] Lotto.

[cut to an Asian woman]

Asian woman: I didn’t give up. [fade up caption “$50 Winner”]

[cut to country man]

Country man: I didn’t give up. [fade up caption “Won Extra Play”]

[cut to gas station attendant]

Gas station attendant: I didn’t give up. [fade up caption “$75 Winner,” then fade up “Shared with four co-workers” underneath]

[cut to Native American man]

Native American man: I didn’t give up. [dissolve to wider shot of Native American man with the other five people behind him; fade up caption “$11 Million Jackpot,” then fade up “Missed by only two digits” underneath]

[cut to Lotto logo]

Announcer: Lotto.

[cut to black man]

Black man: Don’t ever let them tell you you can’t make it. [fade up caption “Non-Winner”]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Cuba Gooding Jr.: 05/08/99: Looking for Monica I

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 18

98r: Cuba Gooding Jr. / Ricky Martin

Looking for Monica I

…..Molly Shannon
…..Tim Meadows
Barbara Walters……Cheri Oteri

[ applause ]

Molly Shannon: Oh my god, Ricky Martin is so cute.

Tim Meadows: I know… God, it’s crazy.

Molly Shannon: Yeah.

Tim Meadows: Oh, he’s so cute.

Barbara Walters: Pardon me. I’m… Barbara Walters. World-renowned celebrity journalist, veteran anchor, and co-host of the hard-hitting news magazine, 20/20. Can you tell me where I might find tonight’s host, Miss Monica Lewinsky?

Molly Shannon: Well, she’s not the host, actually.

Barbara Walters: You see, I have to return a pack of gum to her. She left it in her dressing room right after our highly-rated, exclusive interview, on ABC.

Tim Meadows: Well, um, I could give it to her if you want.

Barbara Walters: I prefer to see her in person.

Molly Shannon: Well… it’s just a pack of gum. I mean, she probably doesn’t even care.

Barbara Walters: For the love of Pete, quit grilling me, you hussy. [ gasp ] Aah.

Tim Meadows: Why da-, why do you wanna see her so bad?

Barbara Walters: If you must know, Tim, I have more questions to ask about the phone sex. You see, I’m in a long-distance relationship with Rupert Murdoch, and I’m ready to take it to the next level. So, I need her advice.

Molly Shannon: Hm, you know what? Maybe try the ninth floor dressing rooms.

Barbara Walters: Ninth floor dressing rooms.

Molly Shannon: Mm-hm.

Barbara Walters: Where are they?

Tim Meadows: Ninth floor.

Barbara Walters: Aah. [ walking away ]: Monica… Monica…

Submitted by: Ellis Mitchell

SNL Transcripts | Special Cable TV Promotions |

SNL Transcripts: Cuba Gooding Jr.: 05/08/99: Looking for Monica II

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 18

98r: Cuba Gooding Jr. / Ricky Martin

Looking for Monica II

Barbara Walters……Cheri Oteri

Barbara Walters: Hola. Donde esta la Monica Lewinsky?

[ no response ]

Barbara Walters: Le Monica, le in turner con nos belones grandes.

[ crowd laughs ]

Barbara Walters: Le Monica le chica con thong for presidential.

Janitor: Ah! Ella es a fue por alli. Le esta traendo pizza para Lorne Michaels.

Barbara Walters: Ah!

[ Walters gives the janitor some change ]

Barbara Walters: Here you are. Gracias.

[ Walters walks away and the janitor throws away the money angrily ]

Submitted by: Ellis Mitchell

SNL Transcripts | Special Cable TV Promotions |

SNL Transcripts: Cuba Gooding Jr.: 05/08/99: Cuba Gooding Jr.’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 18

98r: Cuba Gooding Jr. / Ricky Martin

Cuba Gooding Jr.’s Monologue

…..Cuba Gooding, Jr.
Female Audience Member…..Tina Fey
…..Horatio Sanz
…..Jimmy Fallon

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Cuba Gooding, Jr.

Cuba: It is great to be back in New York. Actually, actually I was born in the South Bronx and I know you people know the South Bronx! Yeah, it’s good to see the old neighborhood…from the safety of a helicopter. When they asked me to host the show myfirst reaction naturally was great, it’ll be so nice to go back home, and my second was, how much do I get paid?

Audience member: (Blurts out) Show me the money!

Cuba: They told me — hey, listen now, wait, watch out, it’s my show. They told me, they told me a thousand dollars. Now, I’m a famous movie star, c’mon I won an Oscar for Jerry Maguire. A thousand dollars? A thousand dollars so you know, you know what I had to say to ’em. I said, “Can I have fifteen hundred?” and they said yes so it all worked out. So, I’m here in New York and I’m walking to work and I pass a Brinks armored truck in front of a bank. I’ve never seen a whole truck filled with stacks of hundred dollar bills, so I went up to the two guards and I said, “Can I check out what’s in the truck? May I peruse thecurrency?”

Crewmember guy’s mind: This I weird, why doesn’t he just say, “Show me the money?” He’s gotta say it. Say it!

Cuba: So, I went on my way. And later I ran into a friend of mine who had just bought some really old civil war coins, you know? And he was describing them to me and telling me how great they were. So I just looked at him and I was like, “Hey! Can I take a gander at those coins?” and he said, “Hey man c’mon, c’mon ask me the way I want you to ask me. What’s the magic phrase, what’s the phrase from that movie?” so I said, “Okay, fine, I’ll say it I’ll say it…Gimme the gun, Trey!” you know that’s from Boyz in the Hood.

Female audience member’s mind: (Sitting in audience) Just say, “Show me the money”, c’mon. I’m gonna get up there and say it. (Starts to get up then sits back down) No I’m not.

Horatio Sanz’s mind: (Off stage) You sick son of a bitch! Just say, “Show me the money”, dah, say it!

Jimmy Fallon’s mind: (Off stage) This is the guy, right? This is the guy who said it right; I’m not crazy, right? Maybe it’s not him, maybe I’m crazy. Oh my God, I’m crazy! Oh no wait, wait it is him. Okay, all right calm down. Don’t let anyone see you. Maintain…maintain.

Horatio Sanz’s mind: Why doesn’t he just say, “Show me the money?” I can’t believe this, Jimmy.

Jimmy Fallon’s mind: I know, why doesn’t he just say it, Horatio? Wait a minute, how are we talking to each other in our thoughts? Oh my God! I am crazy! Why can’t he just say, “Show me the money!”

Cuba: …and I ended up passing on it. We’re gonna have a great time tonight, and oh…by the way, Show me the money! (Proceeds to do some break dance/touchdown dance thing)

Submitted by: Joe Ibañez

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Cuba Gooding Jr.: 05/08/99: Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 18

98r: Cuba Gooding Jr. / Ricky Martin

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
Jesse Jackson…..Darrell Hammond
…..Jimmy Fallon

[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin Quinn: Hi! I’m Colin Quinn. Thank you….Thank you, folks!

This week, Kosovo refugees were greeted by Hillary Clinton as they arrived at Fort Dix, New Jersey. Mrs. Clinton told the refugees that they will have, quote, “the full support” of her and her husband. Followed by, “Hey, where is my husband?” Then, “Has anyone seen my husband?” And finally, “Okay, where’d that gypsy slut with the D cups go?”

As they settled into their temporary quarters in New Jersey, the weary travelers all had the same question: “What’s that smell?” [applause and some cheers]…[mocking a cheering audience member] Ye-es, Jersey…

Yesterday, NATO jets accidentally bombed the Chinese Embassy in Belgrade. The bombing marks a setback for both the peace plan and for Al Gore’s fundraising efforts.

Yesterday they hit the Chinese Embassy; before that, cluster bombs on a hospital and a market; plus earlier this week, a bus. Gee guys, good publicity stunt for NATO! Good move! But you missed the orphanage full of nuns and kittens!…These guys have the aim of Ted Kennedy at a Bennigan’s urinal. [applause and cheers]

In a “60 Minutes” interview with Milosevic’s wife, Mirjana Markovic, she complained about the nickname the West has given her husband: “The Butcher of the Balkans.” She also said she didn’t think it was fair when they called Kenny Rogers “The Coward of the County.”

A jury yesterday ordered “The Jenny Jones Show” to pay 25 million dollars to the family of a gay man who was shot and killed by a guest on the show after he revealed he had a crush on him. In order to prevent this from happening again, the producers of the show have hired a new security guard. [photo of Hugh Hefner]…You know, if every guy went around killing guys who had crushes on them, I would’ve murdered Chris Kattan years ago.

Well, May is here, and it’s just a matter of days until they finally release The Phantom Menace. [photo of Amy Fisher; some applause]

Amy Fisher was granted parole this week after doing seven years in prison, and should be released sometime next week. Fisher says she looks forward to a productive life, and hopes to meet a special man, fall in love, and shoot his wife in the head. [some applause]

Question: what do you get when you cross Joey Buttafuoco with a college education? Answer: [photo of Bill Clinton; cheers and applause]…And you know he’s watching tonight! [cheers and applause]…Sittin’ home right now, watchin’ us…

A…after a meeting with the Reverend Jesse Jackson, Serbian president Slobodan Milosevic released the uh, three American prisoners of war after holding them captive for 32 days. Apparently, white guilt even works in Yugoslavia.

Not one to rest on his laurels, Jackson was in the Midwest this week, where he helped four tornado victims return to their home in Kansas. [doctored photo of The Wizard of Oz characters the Cowardly Lion, the Scarecrow, Dorothy, and the Tin Man featuring Jesse Jackson’s face on Glinda the Good Witch of the North; some applause and cheers]

Now…fresh from convincing Slobodan [looks to his left to see if his guest is there] Milo – Milosevic [chuckles]…to free the three American POWs, please welcome Reverend Jesse Jackson.

[pan over to Jesse]

Jesse Jackson: A-thank you…a-Colin. Let me say this, if you will. I went to Belgrade, not to embarrass our president, but to free those young men. I approached Milosevic with a handshake, not a hand grenade. I spoke to him with a cool head, not a warhead. I brought him a message of peace, not a message from an answering machine with a wacky tape you can buy through an ad on the television or a truck stop! We must not just choose sides, Colin! We must choose peace!

Colin: Now, many believe Milosevic is using you as a PR stunt to dissolve support for the NATO bombing mission.

Jesse: [after a pause] To that, Colin, I would say, let me quote you a passage, if I may, from the comic strip Momma…in which Momma has asked her son, who was in his late 20s, to move out of the house!…And he responds, “I would love to, Momma, if you would only get me the money…for me to do so.” Do you see the ridiculousness of that, Colin? That the boy would move out, only under the auspices of Momma’s generosity via financial means. But for Momma, this presents no solution at ALL! She did not bomb him, Colin….She did it to a brow-beatin’, nitpickin’, and rat-a-tat-tat. Also remind me of sifa-common-funk-a-wink-a-bean, settle on Sunday.

Colin: Uh, let me stop you ’cause I don’t know what you’re talking about, and…but I can’t figure out how you got the POWs released.

Jesse: Well, it’s very simple. W – we all have God inside of us, even Slobodan Milosevic. I reminded him of that — I told him, “I want to go with you to Alderaan, learn the ways of the Force. I want to become a Jedi like my father before me.”

Colin: Wait a minute! That’s from Star Wars.

Jesse: He doesn’t know that! [some applause]…That’s the best part of dealing with someone who doesn’t speak English! I dated a girl from another land once, and I used to quote B.J. Thomas to her. I would say, “Look, Lang-Chou…I can’t fight this feeling…deep inside of me. Girl, [clears throat]…you just don’t realize what you do to me. Ooga-chaka. Ooga-chaka….

Colin: Okay, that’s enough now!

Jesse: …Ooga-chaka….

Colin: Jesse Jackson, everybody! Jesse Jackson.

Jesse: …Ooga-chaka….Ooga-chaka.”

Colin: Chastity, one of the stars of World Championship Wrestling, has been found to be a former porno actress. In an interview, she said she never brought it up because, “What are the chances that a wrestling fan would also watch porno?”

A huge crowd gathered at the Vatican this week to watch Pope John Paul’s beatification of 20th century Italian monk Padre Pio. For those of you unfamiliar with Latin, “Padre Pio,” translated, means “Puff Daddy.”

Responding to a protest by the ACLU, a tablet from the Ten Commandments was taken down from in front of a Kansas municipal building because they felt government buildings shouldn’t contain religious messages. The tablet read, “Thou shalt not kill, Bingo Friday at 8:30.”

This week, the Tony Awards nominations were announced, and Nicole Kidman, who appeared nude in The Blue Room, was not nominated. And I just want to say one thing to the committee: thanks….Because the last thing we need is for her to get nominated, and then have other hot, young actresses take their clothes off on Broadway. Thanks again. [scattered applause]

This week, Judd Nelson announced it’ll be his last season on the show “Suddenly Susan.” Where the hell is he going? Hey, Judd! It was a nice comeback, but don’t get too frisky, you know?…Call Andrew McCarthy, ask him what it’s like to eat out of a garbage can, buddy boy. [groans and boos]…All right. He’s not really eating out of a garbage can!

According to an investigative report, Tae-Bo creator Billy Blanks has been misleading people about his credentials, including being a nine-time world champion and captain of the Olympic karate team. See that? I should kick his ass….And I would, too, but I’m only on my second tape.

Two upcoming presidential biographies claim Abraham Lincoln was a homosexual. Apparently he plunged the country into civil war, because he hated cotton….I guess if George Washington was the father of our country, then Abraham Lincoln’s the unmarried uncle nobody talks about. [little reaction]

This week, the first advance reviews of the new Star Wars movie came out. Really excited about it is Jimmy Fallon!

[pan over to Jimmy, who has his guitar]

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Colin….In – in two weeks, uhh, the big movie comes out, and I’m totally psyched to see it, man. Uh, the buildup is huge, I mean, there’s people camped out for weeks just to get tickets, you know?

[plays guitar and sings a parody of “Every Morning” by Sugar Ray; lights dim to blue]

“Every morning there’s a line around my corner ’cause I live next to the Cineplex
The scalpers wanted, like, two hundred for a ticket; didn’t have it, so I wrote them a check
I just can’t believe it, George Lucas is a genius, Star Wars is back again
First I’m gonna see it, and then I’m gonna see it again

Every morning
“Shut the door baby, the movie just started.”
‘Cause every morning–” [song ends]

Something like that. And Sam – Sam Jackson’s [cheers and applause] in it, too. He’s, uh…he’s cool, man. He – he’s cool, he’s gonna play this guy, uh, named Mace Windu.

[sings a parody of “My Name Is” by Eminem with the song’s accompanying beat; does not play guitar]

“Hi, kids! Do you like sci-fi action with Sam Jackson?
Gonna blow up like Titanic with Bill Paxton
Cool brother with the bald head and goatee
Isn’t he the first black guy to be in Star Wars since Billy Dee?

Hi! My name is– what?
My name is– who?
My name is– chik-a-chik-a
Mace Windu!” [end of song; cheers and applause]

And uh, [laughs] I’m, uh…my all-time, uh…my all-time favorite – favorite character is still one of my all-time favorites, so I’m psyched to see him. So it’s gonna be like, uh…

[plays guitar and sings a parody of “Livin’ La Vida Loca” by Ricky Martin]

“He says the Force is with you, then he leans on a small cane
He’ll make you lift things up without him, he’ll make you use your brain
And then you’ll go insane

Gives Jedi advice, livin’ la vida Yoda
He won’t tell you twice, livin’ la vida Yoda
A swamp is where he lives, he looks like Abe Vigoda
He tells it like it is, livin’ la vida Yoda
Livin’ la vida Yoda
Livin’ la vida Yoda.” [end of song; cheers and applause]

Thank you.

Colin: Jimmy Fallon, everybody!

Jimmy: Thank you.

Colin: Jimmy Fallon! I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it! Good night!

[Jimmy plays the melody to the Ricky Martin song]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Sarah Michelle Geller: 05/15/99

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 19

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


May 15th, 1999

Sarah Michelle Geller

Backstreet Boys


David Boreanaz

Seth Green

Ryan Shiraki
Culps Graduation MedleyRecurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbi Mohan-Culp.


Sarah Michelle Gellar’s MonologueTranscript

Tiger Beat’s Ultra Super Duper Dreamy Love ShowRecurring Characters: Susie Jessica Dibbins, Gladys Stubbs, Sarah Margaret Connolly, Sissy Germane Daphne.


The ZimmermansRecurring Characters: Josh Zimmerman, Laura Zimmerman.


Get On The Bag!Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: The Ginsburg Gang.

Shame Attack

Backstreet Boys perform “I Want It That Way”

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnRecurring Characters: Amy Fisher, Billy Dee Williams.


Dusty’s LoveRecurring Characters: Paul Williams.

Nickelodeon Press ConferenceRecurring Characters: Rosie O’Donnell, Britney Spears, Eminem.

Holding Your Own Boobs Magazine

Backstreet Boys perform “All I Have To Give”

Brian Fellow’s Safari PlanetRecurring Characters: Brian Fellow.



SNL Transcripts | Special Cable TV Promotions |

SNL Transcripts: Sarah Michelle Geller: 05/15/99: Get On The Bag!

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 19

98s: Sarah Michelle Geller / Backstreet Boys

Get On The Bag!

Mike…..Will Ferrell
Cathy…..Sarah Michelle Gellar
Parent 1…..Tim Meadows
Parent 2…..Chris Parnell
Umpire…..Horatio Sanz

[ spectators clap ]

Mike: Okay, keep it. Keep your eye on the ball, Brandon. Come on, big fella, base hit. Here we go now.

[ Brandon hits the ball ]

Mike: Oh, that’s a base hit. Nice shot, man, nice shot.

[ spectators clap ]

Male: Way to go, Brandon!

Cathy: Mike, you must be proud of your son. He’s having a great season.

Mike: Oh, thanks, Cathy. But, hey, hey, your son Jason, he’s got a great arm. He’s got a… we’ll see you in the Dodgers Stadium soon.

[ other parents laugh ]

Parent 1: Mike, I mean, Brandon is really stealing the ball this summer.

Mike: Well, if his Math scores was as high as his batting average, I’d have a straight A student.

[ other parents laugh ]

Mike: Okay, Brandon, you don’t want to get picked off. Get on the bag.

Cathy: You know, I haven’t seen Heidi in a while, will you make sure to say hello for me?

Mike: I certainly will. Thanks. She’s actually real busy with her career… shopping.

[ other parents laugh ]

Parent 2: I think my wife’s in the same line of work.

[ other parents laugh ]

Mike: No outs, Brandon. Get on the bag. So, Cathy, how’s, uh, your art gallery going?

Cathy: Pretty well, actually. We just started carrying this terrific sculptor from Costa Mesa.

Mike: Ohhh. Get on the bag!

Cathy: Yeah, he works on iron and marble.

Parent 1: Oh, wow, that sounds interesting. I love art myself.


Cathy: Uhm, well, we’re having some of it this Wednesday. You should all pop by?

Parent 1: [off-screen] Oh, okay.

Mike: You know, my wife and I went to the LA County Museum of Art and saw the Van Gogh Retrospective. BRANDON! GET ON THE DAMN BAG! His, uh, his early sketch work is, is really appealing.

Parent 2: Brandon, uh, maybe you should listen to your dad and stay close to first base, partner.

Cathy: Yeah.

Parent 1: You know, uh, what I always tell my son Nate and uh, “Just go out there and try to have fun”, you know.

Mike: Well, you know, having fun is the name of the game. Hey! SON! ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE AN ASS OF ME? GET ON THE BAG!

Cathy: Hey, you know what? I could go for snow cones. Anyone interested?

Parents 1 and 2: [off-screen] Yeah.

Mike: Oh, thanks, Cathy, but, uh, I got my own snow cone right here. [ takes out a beer ] Anybody else, huh?

Parents 1 and 2: No. Thank you, no.

Cathy: You know, Mike, forgive me for intruding, but I don’t know if it’s appropriate for you to be drinking here in front of the children.

Parent 2: And it is 10:30 in the morning.

Mike: Hey, I just like to relax while I’m at the ball field. You know what I’m saying?

Cathy: I guess so.


Cathy: Brandon, everything is gonna be okay. Just do as your father says, please.

Mike: Oh, look. Looks like your boy is about to drive him some runt.

Parent 1: Yeah.

Mike: Let’s go Nathan, ducks on the pond. Woo-hoo!

Parent 1: It’s okay, Nathan, it’s okay. No matter what happens, he can’t hurt you.

Cathy: Come on, Nathan.

[ spectators clap ]

Mike: [clapping] I need you to be a bud, a buddy and drive Nathan in. Come on. Little bingo, little base hit, just relax and focus, wait for your pitch. HEY! BRANDON! HOW DUMB DO YOU THINK I AM? NOW, GET ON THE BAG, DAMN IT. GET ON THE BAG! GET ON THE BAG! GET ON THE BAG!

Umpire: Hey, hey, hey, hey! What are you trying to do? Now, listen, we got 18 nine-year-olds out there scared you’re gonna do something violent to ’em. Now, you have a choice — you can leave or you could stay and shut up and act like an adult.

Mike: Got you. I’m clear, Blue.

Umpire: Good.

Mike: Alright. Hey, let’s just play ball, right, everybody?

Cathy: Mike, I know the name of a very good therapist.

Mike: Thanks. Maybe I’ll get that number from you later. By the way, do you know who I talk to about becoming coach next season? HEY, LISTEN, CRYBABY! I WILL DOWN-SIZE YOUR FACE WITH A SHOVEL IF YOU DON’T GET ON THE BAG. NOW, GET ON THAT BAG! Snow cone, anyone?

Parent 1: [off-screen] Nah, no.

Submitted by: Ellis Mitchell

SNL Transcripts | Special Cable TV Promotions |

SNL Transcripts: Sarah Michelle Geller: 05/15/99: Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 17

98s: Sarah Michelle Geller / Backstreet Boys

Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

Brian Fellow…..Tracy Morgan
Jeff Richmond…..Chris Parnell
Karen Nathan…..Sarah Michelle Geller

[theme song plays…]

Singers: [ voice-over ]“He loves animals
And they love him back.
Inter-species friends
We ain’t kidding, mac!
Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!
Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!”

Voiceover: Brian Fellow spent four years in Thailand as a volunteer for, and later director of the Southeast Asian Animal Rescue Project. He subsequently served as director of Animal Operations at the San Diego Zoo, and Undersecretary of the Interior for Wildlife Management.

Singers: “Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!”[theme song ends]

Brian Fellow: Good evening and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet. I’m Brian Fellow. And I’m very excited to bring out tonight’s animal guests. So let’s get going! Our first guest is a native of the South American jungle. Please welcome A MONKEY!

Jeff Richmond: Hello.

Brian Fellow: And who are you?

Jeff Richmond: I’m Jeff Richmond of the Cleveland Zoo.

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!

Jeff Richmond: Yes, I know.

Brian Fellow: So what’s up with this monkey here?

Jeff Richmond: Well, Dr. Fellow, Buster here is a capuchin monkey, also called a ring-tailed monkey and he’s 3 years old.

Brian Fellow: So he’s a baby monkey.

Jeff Richmond: No, at three years old, a monkey’s considered an adult.

Brian Fellow: Three years old, an adult? That’s CRAZY!

Jeff Richmond: Um, the habitat area for these monkeys, the rainforest is being threatened by development so the rainforest-

Brian Fellow: The rainforest, that sounds WET!

Jeff Richmond: Yes, it is. It is. Y’know I thought certainly a man with your kind of credentials would y’know be…

Brian Fellow: I’m BRIAN FELLOW.

Jeff Richmond: Yes, I’m well aware, I didn’t mean to insinuate anything by that, I apologize.

Brian Fellow: Oh, that’s okay. Let me tell you, I once saw a video of a monkey washing a cat. Pssht. That’s crazy.

Jeff Richmond: Okay alright, this is nuts. You’ve clearly overstated your credentials. I’m wasting my time here.

Brian Fellow: I’M BRIAN FELLOW. I’M BRIAN FELLOW. I’M BRIAN FELLOW. Good. Go. Take that monster with you and tell him to stop smiling at me. Sorry. That monkey was crazy. Our next guest is a local resident. He probably lives in a meadow or wooded area near you. please welcome, a TURTLE.

Brian Fellow: And who are you?

Karen Nathan: I’m karen Nathan of the Central Park Conservancy.

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow.

Karen Nathan: Okay and this is Henry. He’s a box turtle. Box turtles make their home on dry land. There are abundant sources…

Brian Fellow: He’s a snappin’ turtle?

Karen Nathan: No he’s a box turtle and box turtles live in an environment where they can find…

Brian Fellow: Does he bite?

Karen Nathan: No.

Brian Fellow: ‘Cause I don’t wanna get bit by a snappin turtle. Yipes. I once got bit by one.

Karen Nathan: Okay look see this is a box turtle and box turtles don’t bite. They eat plants and the occasional bugs…

Brian Fellow: Do you think he can escape from his cage? ‘Cause I don’t wanna get bit.

Karen Nathan: Box turtles don’t bite. Alright, be cool, it’s just a little turtle.

Brian Fellow: If he bites me, I’m gonna kill it!

Karen Nathan: Alright look, you clearly lied on your resume, you never worked for the San Diego Zoo or the Department of the Interior. You don’t know anything about animals!

Brian Fellow: I’M BRIAN FELLOW.

Karen Nathan: No, you’re a buffoon.

Brian Fellow: Sorry again. That’s all the time we have. Join us next week when our guests will be a dog and a baby dog. I’m Brian Fellow.

Submitted by: Mark Fritzel

SNL Transcripts