SNL Transcripts: Sarah Michelle Geller: 05/15/99: Get On The Bag!



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 19


98s: Sarah Michelle Geller / Backstreet Boys

Get On The Bag!

Mike…..Will Ferrell
Cathy…..Sarah Michelle Gellar
Parent 1…..Tim Meadows
Parent 2…..Chris Parnell
Umpire…..Horatio Sanz

[ spectators clap ]

Mike: Okay, keep it. Keep your eye on the ball, Brandon. Come on, big fella, base hit. Here we go now.

[ Brandon hits the ball ]

Mike: Oh, that’s a base hit. Nice shot, man, nice shot.

[ spectators clap ]

Male: Way to go, Brandon!

Cathy: Mike, you must be proud of your son. He’s having a great season.

Mike: Oh, thanks, Cathy. But, hey, hey, your son Jason, he’s got a great arm. He’s got a… we’ll see you in the Dodgers Stadium soon.

[ other parents laugh ]

Parent 1: Mike, I mean, Brandon is really stealing the ball this summer.

Mike: Well, if his Math scores was as high as his batting average, I’d have a straight A student.

[ other parents laugh ]

Mike: Okay, Brandon, you don’t want to get picked off. Get on the bag.

Cathy: You know, I haven’t seen Heidi in a while, will you make sure to say hello for me?

Mike: I certainly will. Thanks. She’s actually real busy with her career… shopping.

[ other parents laugh ]

Parent 2: I think my wife’s in the same line of work.

[ other parents laugh ]

Mike: No outs, Brandon. Get on the bag. So, Cathy, how’s, uh, your art gallery going?

Cathy: Pretty well, actually. We just started carrying this terrific sculptor from Costa Mesa.

Mike: Ohhh. Get on the bag!

Cathy: Yeah, he works on iron and marble.

Parent 1: Oh, wow, that sounds interesting. I love art myself.

Mike: GET ON THE BAG!

Cathy: Uhm, well, we’re having some of it this Wednesday. You should all pop by?

Parent 1: [off-screen] Oh, okay.

Mike: You know, my wife and I went to the LA County Museum of Art and saw the Van Gogh Retrospective. BRANDON! GET ON THE DAMN BAG! His, uh, his early sketch work is, is really appealing.

Parent 2: Brandon, uh, maybe you should listen to your dad and stay close to first base, partner.

Cathy: Yeah.

Parent 1: You know, uh, what I always tell my son Nate and uh, “Just go out there and try to have fun”, you know.

Mike: Well, you know, having fun is the name of the game. Hey! SON! ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE AN ASS OF ME? GET ON THE BAG!

Cathy: Hey, you know what? I could go for snow cones. Anyone interested?

Parents 1 and 2: [off-screen] Yeah.

Mike: Oh, thanks, Cathy, but, uh, I got my own snow cone right here. [ takes out a beer ] Anybody else, huh?

Parents 1 and 2: No. Thank you, no.

Cathy: You know, Mike, forgive me for intruding, but I don’t know if it’s appropriate for you to be drinking here in front of the children.

Parent 2: And it is 10:30 in the morning.

Mike: Hey, I just like to relax while I’m at the ball field. You know what I’m saying?

Cathy: I guess so.

Mike: I WILL CHAIN YOU TO A PIPE NEAR A CLOSE SPACE IF YOU DON’T GET ON THE BAG! NOW, GET ON THE BAG!

Cathy: Brandon, everything is gonna be okay. Just do as your father says, please.

Mike: Oh, look. Looks like your boy is about to drive him some runt.

Parent 1: Yeah.

Mike: Let’s go Nathan, ducks on the pond. Woo-hoo!

Parent 1: It’s okay, Nathan, it’s okay. No matter what happens, he can’t hurt you.

Cathy: Come on, Nathan.

[ spectators clap ]

Mike: [clapping] I need you to be a bud, a buddy and drive Nathan in. Come on. Little bingo, little base hit, just relax and focus, wait for your pitch. HEY! BRANDON! HOW DUMB DO YOU THINK I AM? NOW, GET ON THE BAG, DAMN IT. GET ON THE BAG! GET ON THE BAG! GET ON THE BAG!

Umpire: Hey, hey, hey, hey! What are you trying to do? Now, listen, we got 18 nine-year-olds out there scared you’re gonna do something violent to ’em. Now, you have a choice — you can leave or you could stay and shut up and act like an adult.

Mike: Got you. I’m clear, Blue.

Umpire: Good.

Mike: Alright. Hey, let’s just play ball, right, everybody?

Cathy: Mike, I know the name of a very good therapist.

Mike: Thanks. Maybe I’ll get that number from you later. By the way, do you know who I talk to about becoming coach next season? HEY, LISTEN, CRYBABY! I WILL DOWN-SIZE YOUR FACE WITH A SHOVEL IF YOU DON’T GET ON THE BAG. NOW, GET ON THAT BAG! Snow cone, anyone?

Parent 1: [off-screen] Nah, no.

Submitted by: Ellis Mitchell

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SNL Transcripts: Sarah Michelle Geller: 05/15/99: Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 17


98s: Sarah Michelle Geller / Backstreet Boys

Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

Brian Fellow…..Tracy Morgan
Jeff Richmond…..Chris Parnell
Karen Nathan…..Sarah Michelle Geller

[theme song plays…]

Singers: [ voice-over ]
“He loves animals
And they love him back.
Inter-species friends
We ain’t kidding, mac!
Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!
Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!”

Voiceover: Brian Fellow spent four years in Thailand as a volunteer for, and later director of the Southeast Asian Animal Rescue Project. He subsequently served as director of Animal Operations at the San Diego Zoo, and Undersecretary of the Interior for Wildlife Management.

Singers: “Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!”[theme song ends]

Brian Fellow: Good evening and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet. I’m Brian Fellow. And I’m very excited to bring out tonight’s animal guests. So let’s get going! Our first guest is a native of the South American jungle. Please welcome A MONKEY!

Jeff Richmond: Hello.

Brian Fellow: And who are you?

Jeff Richmond: I’m Jeff Richmond of the Cleveland Zoo.

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!

Jeff Richmond: Yes, I know.

Brian Fellow: So what’s up with this monkey here?

Jeff Richmond: Well, Dr. Fellow, Buster here is a capuchin monkey, also called a ring-tailed monkey and he’s 3 years old.

Brian Fellow: So he’s a baby monkey.

Jeff Richmond: No, at three years old, a monkey’s considered an adult.

Brian Fellow: Three years old, an adult? That’s CRAZY!

Jeff Richmond: Um, the habitat area for these monkeys, the rainforest is being threatened by development so the rainforest-

Brian Fellow: The rainforest, that sounds WET!

Jeff Richmond: Yes, it is. It is. Y’know I thought certainly a man with your kind of credentials would y’know be…

Brian Fellow: I’m BRIAN FELLOW.

Jeff Richmond: Yes, I’m well aware, I didn’t mean to insinuate anything by that, I apologize.

Brian Fellow: Oh, that’s okay. Let me tell you, I once saw a video of a monkey washing a cat. Pssht. That’s crazy.

Jeff Richmond: Okay alright, this is nuts. You’ve clearly overstated your credentials. I’m wasting my time here.

Brian Fellow: I’M BRIAN FELLOW. I’M BRIAN FELLOW. I’M BRIAN FELLOW. Good. Go. Take that monster with you and tell him to stop smiling at me. Sorry. That monkey was crazy. Our next guest is a local resident. He probably lives in a meadow or wooded area near you. please welcome, a TURTLE.

Brian Fellow: And who are you?

Karen Nathan: I’m karen Nathan of the Central Park Conservancy.

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow.

Karen Nathan: Okay and this is Henry. He’s a box turtle. Box turtles make their home on dry land. There are abundant sources…

Brian Fellow: He’s a snappin’ turtle?

Karen Nathan: No he’s a box turtle and box turtles live in an environment where they can find…

Brian Fellow: Does he bite?

Karen Nathan: No.

Brian Fellow: ‘Cause I don’t wanna get bit by a snappin turtle. Yipes. I once got bit by one.

Karen Nathan: Okay look see this is a box turtle and box turtles don’t bite. They eat plants and the occasional bugs…

Brian Fellow: Do you think he can escape from his cage? ‘Cause I don’t wanna get bit.

Karen Nathan: Box turtles don’t bite. Alright, be cool, it’s just a little turtle.

Brian Fellow: If he bites me, I’m gonna kill it!

Karen Nathan: Alright look, you clearly lied on your resume, you never worked for the San Diego Zoo or the Department of the Interior. You don’t know anything about animals!

Brian Fellow: I’M BRIAN FELLOW.

Karen Nathan: No, you’re a buffoon.

Brian Fellow: Sorry again. That’s all the time we have. Join us next week when our guests will be a dog and a baby dog. I’m Brian Fellow.

Submitted by: Mark Fritzel

SNL Transcripts