SNL Transcripts: Cameron Diaz: 09/26/98: Gap Ad II

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

Gap Ad II

Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer

[fade up to Hillary Clinton in casual clothes playing riffs on an electric guitar; background is white throughout the entire commercial]

[cut to Hillary sitting next to an amplifier]

Hillary Clinton: Bill and I…

[series of two cuts: Hillary jamming on the guitar with amplifier in view, then Hillary sitting next to the amp]

The President and I…

[series of five cuts: close-up of Hillary’s feet while she’s jamming, then Hillary sitting next to the amp and looking in disgust at one of Bill Clinton’s semen-stained ties, then Hillary jamming with more anger, then an extreme close-up of Hillary jamming with the camera moving up from her feet to her guitar, then Hillary with the guitar and amp]

[upset] This is not easy! [takes the guitar and tosses it to the ground]

[cut to Gap logo with “Fit.” underneath; guitar plays the “fall into the Gap” notes]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Cameron Diaz: 09/26/98: Gap Ad III

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

Gap Ad III

Kenneth Starr…..Chris Parnell

[fade up to Kenneth Starr in casual clothes carrying boxes of reports into a room, stacking them up into a 4×3 square; background is white throughout the entire commercial]

Kenneth Starr: My report speaks for itself.

[Kenneth turns on a boombox stacked on a box of reports; “Stone To the Bone” plays, as Kenneth dances and flips around the room] [cut to Gap logo with “Fit.” underneath; guitar plays the “fall into the Gap” notes]

Kenneth Starr: The American people have a right to know!

[fade to black]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Cameron Diaz: 09/26/98: Jingleheimer Junction

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

Jingleheimer Junction

Jingleheimer Joe…..Tim Meadows
Katie Kindness…..Cameron Diaz
Carla Caring…..Ana Gasteyer
Umberto Unity…..Horatio Sanz
Fred Friendship…..Will Ferrell

Jingleheimer Joe: [ entering the set ] Well, hello, hello. Glad to see you all back again with ol’ Jingleheimer Joe for more good times. So, let’s all become friends and get in a togetherness mood, with your good old pals, the Junction Gang.

[ train whistle sound effect. Katie Kindness, with “K” on chest, enters side door ]

Jingleheimer Joe: Katie Kindness!

[ train whistle sound effect. Carla Caring, with “C” on chest, enters side door ]

Jingleheimer Joe: Carla Caring!

[ train whistle sound effect. Umberto Unity, with “U” on chest, enters side door ]

Jingleheimer Joe: And Umberto Unity!

[ the kids are lined up to Jingleheimer Joe’s right: Umberto Unity, Carla Caring and Katie Kindness, the letters on their chests spelling out “UCK” ]

Jingleheimer Joe: Hey, Junction Gang! How are you all today?

Katie Kindness: Better than ever!

Carla Caring: We made a new friend! He’s going to join the Junction Gang!

Jingleheimer Joe: [ curious ] New friend? I didn’t hear anything about a new friend.

Carla Caring: Well, why don’t you meet him?

Katie Kindness: Hey, new friend! Come on down!

( train whistle sound effect. Fred Friendship, with “F” on chest, enters back door, stands next to Katie Kindness, spelling “UCKF”)

Umberto Unity: Meet our new friend, Fred Friendship!

Fred Friendship: “F” is for “Friendship”!

Jingleheimer Joe: Um.. I’m not sure that this is a good idea.

Katie Kindness: Not a good idea? Why, friendship is the best idea!

Carla Caring: In fact, I think Fred Friendship should go to the front of the line!

Jingleheimer Joe: Uh.. no, no. He shouldn’t.

Fred Friendship: [ excited ] Yes, I should!

Umberto Unity: To the front of the line, Fred!

Jingleheimer Gang: [ chanting ] “F”! “F”! “F”! “F”! “F”! “F”! “F”! “F”! “F”!

[ Freddie Friendship dances slowly to the front of the line ] [ cut to “Please Stand By” graphic, showing farmer trying to remove cow from train tracks ] [ cut back to Jingleheimer Joe wrestling Fred Friendship to the ground ]

Jingleheimer Joe: Okay, Fred, that’s enough of you! It’s time for you to get out of here, okay!

Katie Kindness: Jingleheimer Joe, that’s not being friendly.

Fred Friendship: No, it’s not!

Carla Caring: Maybe we should sing the “Togetherness Song” for Jingleheimer Joe.

Fred Friendship: Yeah, let’s do it! I’ll go stand over there with the Gang!

Jingleheimer Joe: No. No, you won’t! You’ll stand right here.

[ music intro starts song ]

Jingleheimer Gang: [ singing ] “You can’t have togetherness, without four things:”

Carla Caring: “Caring.”

Katie Kindness: “And Kindness.”

Fred Friendship: “Friendship!”

Umberto Unity: “And Unity.”

Jingleheimer Gang: [ singing ] “Come see what joy these four can be.”

Jingleheimer Joe: Okay, uh.. that’s great. Now, we’re gonna..

Carla Caring: Letter Call-out!

Fred Friendship: [ moving forward ] “F”!

Umberto Unity: [ moving forward ] “U”!

[ cut to “Please Stand By” graphic, showing farmer trying to remove cow from train tracks ] [ cut back to Jingleheimer Gang, Katie Kindness moving forward ]

Jingleheimer Gang: “K”!

Jingleheimer Joe: Okay. Alright. I think that’s enough. That’s enough.

Katie Kindness: No, it’s not. It’s time for “Mish-Mash Mix-em-up.

Jingleheimer Gang: Yeah!

Carla Caring: Spread out, everyone, until someone says, “Freeze!”

[ the Jingleheimer Gang starts to spin around one another in different combinations – Fred Friendship around Umberto Unity, Carla Caring around Katie Kindness and other combinations, until “U-C-K” can be seen with Fred Friendship almost turned completely around. ]

Jingleheimer Joe: That’s it! Stop it! [ rushes Fred Friendship ] No, no, no!!

[ cut to “Please Stand By” graphic, showing farmer trying to remove cow from train tracks ] [ cut back to Jingleheimer Joe wrestling Fred Friendship to the ground ]

Jingleheimer Joe: I’ve had enough of you! Get out of here, Fred!

Fred Friendship: [ hurt] Ow! I just want to be with my friends!

Umberto Unity: We’re supposed to be learning about friendship, Joe.

Jingleheimer Joe: Shut up, Umberto!

Fred Friendship: Whoa. I think somebody around here has completely missed our message of togetherness.

Katie Kindness: I think we’d better tell him what we’re all about.

Fred Friendship: This song’s about Togetherness.

Katie Kindness: [ starts singing ] “What we’re spelling out for you-ou.. Is really, really good to do-oo. Caring and kindness are the perfect fit.”

Umberto Unity: [ singing ] “You can do it anywhere! In a parking lot or on a chair!”

Carla Caring: [ singing ] “Inside and outsi-i-i-ide!”

Jingleheimer Gang: [ singing and gyrating ] “In and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out..” [ backs now turned ]

Katie Kindness: [ turns around singing, reveals “K” ] “Oh, yeah!”

Carla Caring: [ turns around singing, reveals “C” ] “Baby!”

Umberto Unity: [ turns around singing, reveals “U” ] “Baby!”

Jingleheimer Joe: [ once again rushes Fred Friendship before he can turn around ] Noooooo!!!

[ Jingleheimer Joe wrestles Fred Friendship to the ground one last time, as “Jingleheimer Junction” ends ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Cameron Diaz: 09/26/98: The Ladies Man

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

The Ladies Man

The Ladies’ Man/Bill Clinton…..Tim Meadows
Julie/Monica Lewnsky…..Cameron Diaz

Leon Phelps: Yeah..! Right! What’s up, and thank you very much! And what is hapnin’? Uh, welcome to “The Ladies Man”, the loveline with all the right responses to your romantic queries! I’m Leon Phelps, and how y’all doin’ tonight? (Crowd cheers) Yeah? Well that’s good! I’m doing fine, and I got my Courvosier right here! …And I also got my Starr Report! Oh yeah! That’s right. Now I have read this report, and I have to say this is really good. This is very, very good, you know. I especially like the parts on the obstruction of justice, the purgery charges, and also, the stuff about the BJ’s. That was good! You know, Ilike this so much, that in fact, that tonight, I’d like to perform, theatrically perform, some of it for you. All right, so without furder ado, this is another episode of what I’d like to call, “The Ladies’ ManPresents”!

[ “Alfred Hitchcock Presents” music pots up, as Leon steps behind a silhoette of himself holding a glass of Courvosier ]

Yeah, I like that! All right now, here in the Oval Office, for this demonstration, I will be playing President Bill Clinton. And, uh, you will know me as the Clinton because I will be wearing this wig.Right? Right. Now here to assist me, is a very talented performer, from our community theater group. She has appeared in “Our Town”, in “Uncle Vonya”, and her picture has appeared in numerous phone sex ads. Soplease welcome the lovely Julie. How about it?

Julie: Hi Leon!

Leon Phelps: Now Julie, you tell them what role you’ll be playin’ tonight.

Julie: Well Leon, I will be playin’ Ms. Monica Lewinsky.

Leon Phelps: Yeah, that’s right. Well now Julie is not as fat, and therefore as not as sweet as Monica, but I think you will agree she is no bus station skank!

Julie: Well thank you Leon, should we get started?

Leon Phelps: Well yes we shall! Oh, sh.. she is so propesion… profedsional. Oh, I’m so sor… Ok! Yes, yes, yes! But Julie, take your place and we will begin. Here is sexual encounter number 1, or what’d Ilike to call, “The Oral Office”! (He puts the wig on) Four score and seven years ago… Oh! (He bumps into Monica) Well hello there!

Julie: Hello, my name is Monica!

Leon Phelps: My name is President Bill Clinton!

Julie: Look, I’m wearing a thong…

Leon Phelps: Oh yeah, that is nice… Uh, I mean yes, that is very good!

Julie: We have quite a chemistry, don’t we?

Leon Phelps: Yes we do! Can I kiss you? (they kiss) And freeze! Yeah! Now that was not bad! But I have to say, he asted to much time to get where he really wanted. And that is very sad, you see! Now check out how the Ladies’ Man would handle the situation, ok? Julie, if you will?

Leon Phelps: Hello there, sexy!

Julie: Hello. My name is Monica Lewinsky.

Leon Phelps: Oh yeah..? Well let me get a couple of handfulls of that big butt!

Julie: Yeah, okay.

Leon Phelps: And freeze! Now you see, how little time I wastedbefore I grabbed her butt? See? I did not kiss her, I just went straight for the caboose, you see! Now let’s move on to the time when the president will have a pizza delivered to him by Monica. Okay? That leads to sexual encounter number 2, or what I have named, “The Pres Gets Him a Slice”!

Leon Phelps: And by signing this, I will make this a law!

Julie: Mr. President?

Leon Phelps: Oh, Monica!

Julie: I brought you a pizza!

Leon Phelps: I hope it’s a pizz’of ass!! *RING RING RING!* Hello there Senator Congressman! Yeah! How’s it comming with you making that bill? Mmm-hmmm! (he points his finger down to his wang, expecting a BJfrom Monica) Yeah! Uhh-huh! Yeah! Okay, that’s it! That’s right! Now we’ll just have to make that a law! And freeze!! Now, I must say I have done many things while having my wang moutha-fied, you know. I havedone so many things. I have mowed the lawn, I have pumped the gas, I’ve even cooked eggs! But I’ve never talked to a congressman! So, Mr. President, I salute you, for doing a job, while having a job done to you! Saaluute! (they salute) Thank you. But now comes the hard part. Like every good wang-to-mouth relationship, there comes a time to call it off. And as we know, the president has a very hard time ending hisrelationships. But there’s a very, very smooth way this can get done which brings us to my 3rd vignette, which I call, “Yeah, That Was Nice, But I Think you Should Get Going”. Julie, if you will? (She gives hima BJ)

Julie: (She gets up) You know, anyway, incase you were, um, going to change the educational system…

Leon Phelps: And freeze! So there you have it! Our president is quite a lover, but you have to say, he is no Ladies’ Man, you know? I would like to thank my assistant Julie. Julie, tell us where you will be performing next?

Julie: Right now, I am in the production of Cole Porter’s “Anything Goes”!

Leon Phelps: Well, I dont know about this Cole Porter dude, but I’m game to see it! Haha! And I’ll see you later on on “The Ladies’ Man”!

Submitted by: Lonnie Fukuda

SNL Transcripts