Teenager: Let’s face it – pizza blows. And burgers? Forget it.
Instead, get your face into new KCF Shredders – juicy iceberg lettuce and tangy mayonnaise served in a bag. It’ll rock your world!
And if the regular portion isn’t enough, then just gigantisize it – for 39 cents more, you get a whole pound of iceberg lettuce and three cups of mayo.
And the KCF Schredder Kids Meal gives you a medium Shredder, a small milk, cole slaw and a rice pudding dessert cup. Kids under 12 get free “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” action figures.
Shredder Italiano comes with crisp iceberg lettuce and herb mayo.
Southwestern Shredder has cool iceberg lettuce and sour cream.
[ open on Terry Ferguson shaking people’s hands as thye walk past him on the sidewalk ]
Announcer: Terry Ferguson is a man of the people.
[ cut to Terry waving at people on the sidewalk ]
Announcer: Terry Ferguson believes in a strong America.
[ cut to Terry talking with a black man, flinching his head back as the man talks animatedly with his hands ]
Announcer: Terry Ferguson is pro-education.
[ cut to Terry addressing the camera as he crosses the street ]
Terry Ferguson: Hi! I’m Terry Ferguson, Democratic candidate for the U.S. Senate. Twenty-three years ago, I lost my privates in a fire, leaving me completely unable to have sex with anyone or anything.
[ cut to close-up of Terry’s face ]
Terry Ferguson: Imagine my surprise when the Democratic Party contacted me to run for Senate. Well, I discussed it with my wife, my doctor, even my co-workers down at Foot Locker. They al said, “Why not?” Look – I don’t cheat on my wife, because I can’t! I lost my genitals in a fire! So, vote for me. And I’ll become a Senator. [ hesitant ] In Washington. [ holds his thumb up ]
[ cut to ad card ]
Announcer: Ferguson for Senate. He lost his genitals in a fire.
Terry Ferguson V/O: Paid for by Democrats for Ferguson!
[ open on Terry Ferguson standing in front of an office building ]
Terry Ferguson: I’m Terry Ferguson, abnd I love America! [ holds up his thumb ]
[ cut to American flag with “Terry Ferguson for Senate” ]
Announcer: Terry Ferguson loves America.
[ cut to Terry Ferguson looking confused as a Chinese cook talks. Terry smiles sheepishly. ]
Announcer: Terry Ferguson believes in the power of good times!
[ cut to Terry Ferguson running up to a woman on the street, shaking her hand hesitantly, then steps aside with a confused look on his face ]
Announcer: Terry Ferguson is not a Washington insider like his opponent, Gary Simmons. Let’s look at the facts:
[ cut to picture of Gary Simmons with “Washington Insider” atop a pair of boxes marked “Yes” and “No.” ]
Announcer: Washington insider for over twelve years?
[ “Yes” box is checked ]
[ picture now reads “Interns” atop a pair of boxes marked “Yes” and “No.” ]
Announcer: Interns working under him?
[ “Yes” box is checked ]
[ picture now reads “Genitals” atop a pair of boxes marked “Yes” and “No.” ]
Announcer: Has genitals?
[ “Yes” box is checked ]
[ cut to Terry Ferguson standing in front of a fountain ]
Terry Ferguson: Twenty-three years ago, I lost my genitals in a fire. and since that time, I haven’t had sex with anyone. In fact, the mere thought of sex gives me phantom pains where my privates used to be. Now, look here – the American school systems rank tenth in the nation. That’s not good. Is it? Let’s try to change that. Vote for me.
[ cut to ad card ]
Announcer: Ferguson for Senate. The thought of sex gives him phantom pains in his genitals!
Terry Ferguson V/O: Paid for by Democrats for Ferguson!
…..Colin Quinn Tropical Storm Georges … Kelsey Grammer
Colin Quinn: [in brown suit, standing before WUsodium screen where newspaper graphics and WU iconsfloat in and out of view pointlessly] Ooh! The bigstory this week: more documents released in theClinton and Lewinsky scandal. Actually, that is NOTthe big story this week. It’s just the story thatpeople talk about because the real stories are toofrightening. The story should be about the imminentcollapse of the global economy. Russia and Brazil arebroke. They wanna borrow money. The IMF says thatJapan will have its worst recession since World WarII.
And now, this week, our administration makes a bigannouncement that we have a seventy billion dollarsurplus. Why is that in the news? They should shut up.We shouldn’t be talking about our surplus when allthese countries are tapped out. You know how when yourfriend wants to borrow money and you have to pleadpoverty? … Our country should be like, “Nah, man,I’m broke, too. Yeah. … Ah, I gotta pay for thosehurricanes. You know, why don’t you ask Germany? Iheard they just got a new Chancellor. Ask India, theyjust did nuclear testing, you know? Ask Canada, theydon’t have anything fun to do with their money. Itjust sits there, you know?”
But it’s scary talking about a real problem so,instead, we talk about the White House soap opera,squeeze every last stupid irrelevant detail out of thebig sex scandal. “What was she wearing? — ooooh!” Ourcountry’s a bunch of junior high school kids passingnotes to each other right now. “Ooh, he likes EleanorMondale! Ewwww!” You know, following politics used tomean knowing which congressman voted for Farm Aid.Now, it means knowing what color the thong was, allright? Although, I will be the first to admit ifEleanor Mondale gets in the mix in this, I will find arenewed interest in this case, all right? She’s gonnabring new life to this like when Alyssa Milano joined”Melrose Place,” all right?
[Music, dissolve to WU montage]
Announcer V/O: And now, from the news capitalof the world, it’s Weekend Update with ColinQuinn.
[GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE WITH COLIN QUINN – Dissolveto Colin at WU desk. Cheers and applause.]
Colin Quinn: Oh, my God! Oh, folks, no! Thankyou. Hi, I’m Colin Quinn.
Linda Tripp took a lie-detector test this week todetermine whether she tampered with a tapedconversation she had with Monica Lewinsky. The testsshowed that every answer she gave was truthful, exceptone: “200 pounds.” … Ah, all right.
Kenneth Starr — some people are still calling thisguy, by the way, the “Whitewater special prosecutor”– Kenneth Starr. Hey, when’s the last time you heardthis guy talk about the Whitewater Scandal? Isn’t thiskind of like saying “Heisman Trophy winner O.J.Simpson”? … [delayed applause] Thanks, folks. Came alittle late.
Another former White House intern was arrested in NewYork for stalking George Stephanopoulos. The judgetold the woman, “Hey, go pick on somebody your ownsize.” …
Upon his retirement, former White House PressSecretary Mike McCurry received a call from SenatorKennedy congratulating him on his seventy home runs…. [some applause]
U.S. officials and experts say that Iraq is close tobuilding a nuclear weapon. Translation: The U.S. willsoon be bombing the crap out of Iraq. … That’s whatit means.
Last week, Iran announced that it was dropping thedeath sentence on Salman Rushdie. Then, this week,they announced that the death sentence still stood.Rushdie’s reaction will be seen on Iran’s hit show”Fundamentalists Bloopers and Practical Jokes.” …[some applause]
In Washington, Benjamin Netanyahu and Yasser Arafatagreed to go ahead with peace talks that could occuras soon as mid-October. When these two guys gettogether they have disagreements. But one thing theyall agree on – is that the room smells a little funky….
While Hurricane Georges has been downgraded to a”tropical storm,” it has already set records as thelongest, rainiest storm of the season. In a dramaticdevelopment, Weekend Update has captured the followingsatellite images of Tropical Storm Georges.
[Cut to Georges, a sophisticated French gentlemancomplete with slicked back hair, mustache, ascot, apurple robe, champagne glass, cigarette and holder. Hesits on a yellow sofa with a poodle as noisy windblows and huge storm clouds race by in the background.SUPER: LIVE / VIA SATELLITE — 2ND SUPER: TropicalStorm Georges]
Tropical Storm Georges: [thick French accent]Ah, bonsoir, mes amis! I am Tropical Storm Georges…. The most beautiful and sensuous of all the severeweather systems. My actual birth name is Jean FrancoisGeorges Le Grand. But the stupid National WeatherService shortened it to “Georges.” They have no class.They are just jealous. The Weather Service is nothingto me, I spit on them. [spits] You see, that justcaused a flash flood in Mississippi [pronounced “Massa sappy”]. Like I was saying, when Georges decides toinvade an American city, it’s not just a storm — itis art. Every power failure I cause is like the strokeof a brush on a canvas. Every time– Every telephonepole I overturn is like a fresh dish of coq auvin — with a petit side of camembert.Every airport I close is like making passionate loveto a woman named Dominique. You stupidAmericains with your lust for money, your festfood and your Brian Benben. [shakes his head withdisgust] Ha ha! … How I long to destroy you. Aurevoir, Colin!
[Cut back to Colin at the desk.]
Colin Quinn: Ah, that was Tropical StormGeorges … [applause] confirming many of our worststereotypes of the French. Tropical Storm Georges,everyone, urrgghh!
Last week, “Rush Hour,” starring Jackie Chan and ChrisTucker, was the number one movie at the box officeagain, making it the most lucrative Black-Asiancombination since Tiger Woods. … [applause]
In an attempt – an attempt to bring Gen X-ers tobowling, AMF Bowling Centers has hired Michael Jordanto hype the sport. They hope Mike can do for bowlingwhat he did for baseball. …
Paul McCartney served as chauffeur when his daughter,Mary, got married this past weekend. Paul stated,”Ringo wasn’t available. He was busy workin’ a prom.”…
Some more bad economic news: the Gillette company hasannounced that they’re going to cut forty-sevenhundred employees. Here’s how it will work: [dissolveto animated footage from an old Gillette commercial ofrazor blades cutting a hair off a man’s face] Thefirst blade cuts the most recent hires … [firstblade cuts the hair – “300”] The second blade cutsanyone nearing their pension … [second blade cutsthe hair – “4399”] And the third blade cuts the guywho tagged out the boss at the company softball game…. [third blade cuts the hair completely – “1” -Dissolve back to Colin at the desk.]
[Photo of John Gotti, Jr.] John “Junior” Gotti wasreleased on ten million dollars bail to house arrestin his Long Island home this week. He’s required towear an electronic ankle bracelet, which most peopleagree is the most tasteful piece of jewelry he’s everworn. …
I’m Colin Quinn. That’s my story and I’m stickin’ toit. Buh-bye..
[Colin waves. Cheers, applause, music. Pull back andfade out.]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 24: Episode 3 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 17th, 1998 Lucy Lawless Elliot Smith None Tina Fey Paula Pell Judge Judy Sheindlin NBC News Special ReportSummary: Arrogant Republicans Henry Hyde (Will Ferrell), Jesse Helms (Darrell Hammond) and Mary Bono (Cheri Oteri) vex America and falunt their inpenetrability. Recurring Characters: Tom Brokaw, Henry Hyde, Jesse Helms. Transcript
Montage
Lucy Lawless’ MonologueSummary: Audience members think Lucy Lawless and “Xena: Warrior Princess” are lesbians. Transcript
Shirt In A CanSummary: Another stained shirt. Dammit! A can of spray paint will solve your wardrobe problems.
Judge JudySummary: Judge Judy (Cheri Oteri) hears the case of a stripper clown (Lucy Lawless) before the real Judy Sheindlin interrupts the proceedings. Recurring Characters: Judge Judy, Burt. Transcript
The History of Presidential Scandal ISummary: Andrew Johnson slept with a bird. Transcript
MSNBC: White House In CrisisSummary: Female MSNBC reporters treat the Clinton scandal with a slumber party mentality. Transcript
TV FunhouseSummary:Despite their animosity toward one another, Howard Stern and “Saturday Night Live” are a ratings success when bred together in Rob Smigel’s “Fun With Real Audio” segment.
Stevie Nicks’ Fajita RoundupSummary: Stevie Nicks (Lucy Lawless) sings fajita-themed parodies of her popular songs to promote her new restaurant. Transcript
The How Do You Say, Ah Yes, ShowSummary: Sexy Antonio Banderas (Chris Kattan) chats with the author of a book on Lyme Disease (Lucy Lawless). Recurring Characters: Antonio Banderas. Transcript
The History of Presidential Scandal IISummary: Lyndon B. Johnson’s whores had a special nickname for him. Transcript
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Colin Quinn is nearly stabbed twice by Chucky the murderous doll, who pretends to deliver serious commentaries on the Clinton scandal and the World Series. Transcript
Elliot Smith performs “Waltz #2”
BiographySummary: Drunken Jack Perkins (Darrell Hammond) narrates a biography on the life of Puff Daddy (Tim Meadows). Recurring Characters: Jack Perkins, Puff Daddy.
The CulpsSummary: Marty (Will Ferrell) and Bobbie Mohan-Culp (Ana Gasteyer) sing a medley at the World Series. Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbie Mohan-Culp.
SummaryAfter a two-year absence, the art of the Featured Player returns to SNL, as producer Lorne Michaels struggles to rebuild the male cast with the departure of Norm MacDonald and the reluncant firing of Jim Breuer. Gen-Xers Jimmy Fallon, Chris Parnell and Horatio Sanz are the talented new guys joining the already-talented cast that includes annual favorites Will Ferrell and Ana Gasteyer, as well as continued promising performances by Chris Kattan and Tracy Morgan, who enthrall the audience whenever they’re given a chance to perform on the show. Kattan gets away with an amusing Antonio Banderas parody, while Morgan shines in a live-action biography of yesteryear cartoon star Fat Albert, starting a new tradition of cast members portraying nearly forgotten cartoon characters. Among fan highlights for the 1998 season, former White House intern Monica Lewinsky makes several cameos during the Cuba Gooding, Jr.-hosted episode, youngest-host ever Drew Barrymore returns to host after seventeen years, and John Goodman celebrates his tenth time hosting, joining the higher ranks with original cast favorites Buck Henry and Steve Martin.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 24: Episode 1 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
September 26th, 1998 Cameron Diaz Smashing Pumpkins None Hugh Fink Dan Aykroyd Steve Martin Oprah 2002Summary: In the year 2002, Oprah Winfrey (Tim Meadows) the key players in the 1998 Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) and Monica Lewinsky (Molly Shannon) sex scandal. Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey, Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinsky, Linda Tripp. Transcript
MontageNote: After a year’s absence, featured performers are included in the cast, though newcomers Jimmy Fallon, Chris Parnell and Horatio Sanz are not credited in this episode.
Cameron Diaz’s MonologueSummary: Cameron Diaz confronts an innocent audience member (Hugh Fink). Also Hosted: 01p, 04p. Transcript
MasterCard
The ViewRecurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Meredith Viera, Starr Jones, Debbie Matenapolous.
Oops! I Crapped My PantsSummary: Undergarments for the elderly that can hold up to a gallon of fecal matter. Transcript
The Ladies ManSummary: Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) and a local actress (Cameron Diaz) recreate scenes from the KennethStarr Report. Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps. Transcript
The Best of the First 20 MinutesSummary: SNL’s latest episode is rushed to videotape before it has even fully aired.
The New Hollywood SquaresSummary: The celebrity-filled board has collapsed, but the game show will go on.
TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel’s “Fun With Real Audio” features outtakes of President Bill Clinton’s address on the Starr Report. Transcript
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Dominican Lou (Tracy Morgan) tries to sell Gary Giatti’s record-breaking baseball. Recurring Characters: Dominican Lou. Transcript
Roxbury GuysSummary: Roxbury Guys Doug (Chris Kattan) and Steve Butabi (Will Ferrell) lose the girl (Cameron Diaz) to aged Festrunk Brothers, Georg (Dan Aykroyd) and Yortuk (Steve Martin). Recurring Characters: Doug Butabi, Steve Butabi, Georg Festrunk, Yortuk Festrunk. Transcript
Witches BrewSummary: A trio of witches use metaphors to describe their foul-smelling brew. Transcript
Gap Ad IRecurring Characters: President Bill Clinton. Transcript
Jingleheimer JunctionSummary: Newcomer Fred Friendship (Will Ferrell) ruins the sanctimony of the Jingleheimer acronoym. Transcript
Gap Ad IIRecurring Characters: Hillary Clinton. Transcript
Spice Girls
MaakiesSummary: In a film by Tony Millionaire, a crow’s dead-end job finally leads him to a suicide purchase.
Gap Ad IIIRecurring Characters: Kenneth Starr. Transcript
(Opens with a shot of foggy mountains, cut to 3witches dressed in black, stirring a big, black,boiling pot with wooden sticks. The 3 witches chant intheir witchy voices)
All: “Double!, double! Toil andtrouble! fire burn and cauldron bubble!”(Evil laughs)
Witch 1: Eye of newt shall seal thy fate!(drops somein the pot)
Witch 2: And wing of bat turns love to hate!(Dropssome too, in the pot)
Witch 3: More!, more! My sisters put some more tostrengthen this dread elixir!
Witch 2: Yes, yes my sisters. Stir round, stir round
(The 3 keep stirring)
Witch 1: Yes, yes boy!(normal voice, no witchyvoice)This is starting to get pretty rank!
Witch 3: (normal voice, no witchy voice)Oh God! Itstinks! Ugh! What did you put in there!
Witch 1: I don’t know, man but it’s really nasty! It’sstarting to get a skin on it!
Witch 2: (normal voice)What is that smell like?!
Witch 3: It smells like a….(smells)like a men’s roomat a truck stop!
Witch 1: Uh-huh, its worse than that! Its like analley behind an Indian restaurant.
Witch 2: No, that’s not it. It smells like somebodypeeing on a pile of burning hair!
Witch 3: Its terrible! The pot is ruined now!
(They all cover their noses)
Witch 1: Man alive!! What is that smell?!
Witch 2: God!, it smells like a cafeteria steam trayfull of ass!!
Witch 3: No, it’s more like someone dropped a rancidpork chop into a port-o-toilet.
Witch 1: Ugh! I got it. It smells like a bunch oflongshoremen having sex in a butcher shop.
Witch 2: This is just plain stinky!
Witch 3: My eyes are starting to water!
Witch 2: What is that?!(coughs)
Witch 3: It smells like they’re cremating people nextto like a hot dog factory!
Witch 1: Oh! This reeks!
Witch 2: It smells like tuna fish….tuna fish watereddown, served through Andre the giant’s ass!!
Witch 1: Oh, my God!
Witch 3: No. It’s more like…
Witch 1: Its like a porno theater or something. Aporno theater after the air conditioning broke.
Witch 3: Oh, oh man!
(Voice from down the valley, off camera)
Voice 1: Hey! What the holy hell are you witchesburning up there?!!
Witch 3: Sorry! Got a little out of control.
Voice 1: I’ll say it got a little out of control! Goodnight nurse! It smells like a jock strap full ofcottage cheese!!
Witch 2: Hey!, once again, you know, sorry!!
Witch 3: Sorry!
Witch 1: We should really do something about this.
Witch 3: Yeah.
(Another witch arrives, witchy voice)
Witch 4: Hello my sisters! Sorry I’m latebut…(normal voice)Sweet mother of pearl!! What thehell happened up here!!
Witch 3: Everything is under control.
Witch 4: My aunt Fanny’s ass is under control! Itsmells like a sumo wrestler took a dump on a burningtire!!
Witch 2: Listen, we just don’t know what to do!
Witch 4: Well, you better do something! It smells likea trucker’s roid cushion!
Witch 1: I think I have something that might cover upthe smell.
Witch 4: Forget that! I’m outta here! Damn!!
(Witch 1 produces a bottle and drops a green liquidfrom the bottle into the pot. Green steam rises up)
Witch 1: This should do it. I think it will be fine.
(The 3 witches make disgusted faces)
All: Aaaaaawwwww!!!!!
Witch 1: It made it worse!!
Witch 2: Oh, my God! Look! It’s spreading down intothe valley.
(Voices from down the valley, off camera)
Voice 2: Oh! That is terrible!
Voice 1: What is that?!! It stinks!!
Voice 2: It smells like zombie poo!
Voice 3: That is nasty! It smells like sasquatch’snuts!!
Voice 1: Oh, man! That is rough!
Witch 2: Sorry! Look, it got out of hand!
Voice 2: Got out of hand? It smells like a diaper fullof shrimp!
Witch 1: We should get out of here, really. Yeah, weshould just get out of here.
Witch 3: Yeah.
Witch 2: Hey! Sorry everyone! It was our bad!
Witch 3: Sorry!
Witch 2: Sorry!
Witch 3: Sorry!
(Witches leave. Camera pans across and there’s the twosinging dudes from There Something About Mary. Oneplays a little tambourine and the other plays theguitar and sings)
Jonathan Richman: That fragrance came wafting from thehill and from the moor, how shall we describe thatodor so pure, how shall we describe that odor sosweet, how about rotten pumpkins and Keith Richardsfeet.(laughs)
[Pompous broadcast news music accompanies the FUN WITHREAL AUDIO PRESENTS title card featuring the usualanimated, grinning reel-to-reel tape machine. Cut to asecond title card: PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS OUTTAKES. Apair of hands holding a filmmaker’s clapboard isvisible on the right. Cut to President Bill Clinton,seated at his desk in the Oval Office, addressing thecamera, attempting to deliver his August 17, 1998″Address to the Nation on Testimony Before theIndependent Counsel’s Grand Jury.”]
Bill Clinton: This afternoon, I testifiedbefore the Independent Counsel and the grand jury. Ianswered– I–
[Clinton pauses, looks down, gestures to someone underthe desk. After a moment, a busty blonde woman emergesfrom beneath the desk and exits. The pair of handswith the clapboard appears from the right and signalsa second take.]
Bill Clinton: [continues] … before theIndependent Counsel and the grand jury. [IndependentCounsel Kenneth Starr skulks into view behind Clinton,holds up a blue dress stained with presidential semento the camera, then exits.] I answered their questionstruthfully … [Starr returns, holds up stained reddress, then a pair of stained high-heeled shoes.] …including questions about my private life. [Starrexits quickly as Clinton turns to look at him.]Questions no American citizen would–
[Starr returns and holds up a purple dress that isdrenched and dripping with presidential bodily fluids.Clinton jumps up and attacks Starr – they bitch-slapone another. Clapboard signals a third take. Cut toClinton, alone again, seated at his desk, addressingthe camera.]
Bill Clinton: Good evening. This afternoon, Itestified before the Independent Counsel and the grandjur–
[Camera pulls back slowly to reveal semen stains onthe front of the desk. An aide rushes into view andwaves for Clinton to stop. Clinton, palms up, shrugsin confusion. Clapboard signals a fourth take. Cut toa tighter shot of Clinton, seated at his desk,addressing the camera.]
Bill Clinton: This afternoon, I testifiedbefore the Independent Counsel and the gr–
[Framed, semen-stained painting of George Washingtonfalls from above and lands on the desk next toClinton. Clapboard signals a fifth take.]
Bill Clinton: This afternoon, I testifiedbefore the Independent Counsel … [Semen drips fromthe ceiling onto the president’s head] … and thegrand jury– the grand–
[Distracted, Clinton pauses and rubs his semen-stainedhair with his hand. Clapboard signals a sixth take.Cut to Clinton, seated at his desk, addressing thecamera. His hair, caked with semen, sticks straight up– just like the title character in the Cameron Diazfilm “There’s Something About Mary.”]
Bill Clinton: Good evening. This afternoon, Itestified before the Independent Counsel and–
[An aide rushes into view and waves for Clinton tostop. Clinton, palms up, shrugs in confusion.]
Bill Clinton: I did not do anythingimproper.
[As more semen rains down from above, the aide signalsfor help. A man with a towel enters to mop up andnearly slips on the semen-stained floor. Take seven.Cut to Clinton, seated in the White House Map Room,addressing the camera.]
Bill Clinton: This afternoon, in this room,from this chair, I testified before the IndependentCounsel and the grand jury. [The ghost of formerPresident Richard Nixon magically appears next toClinton.] I answered their quest–
[Nixon’s ghost grabs Clinton’s speech from him,crumples it up, tosses it over his shoulder. He thentakes out some blank paper and a pen, handing these toClinton. Nixon then begins to pace the room whiledictating a speech to Clinton who dutifully writes itdown.]
Richard Nixon: [from Nixon’s infamous 1974resignation speech] I must put the interests ofAmerica first. Therefore, I shall resign thepresidency effective at noon tomorrow.
[Clinton looks up, eyes and mouth wide open — hedoesn’t like the sound of that.]
Richard Nixon: [segues into Nixon’s infamous”I’m not a crook” speech] I’m not a crook. Not acrook. Not a crook, crook, crook.
[Clinton jerks a thumb at Nixon, gesturing for theSecret Service to get rid of him. Two agents enter andtry to grab Nixon but he is an intangible ghost andkeeps right on pacing and dictating.]
Richard Nixon: [segues into Nixon’s infamous1950s “Checkers” speech] It was a cocker spaniel dogand our little girl, Tricia, named it “Checkers.” And,you know, the kids love the dog–
[One agent tries to catch Nixon in a heavy U.S. MAILbag — to no avail. Take eight. Cut to Clinton, aloneagain, still seated in the White House Map Room,addressing the camera — Nixon has disappeared for themoment but Kenneth Starr enters and exits repeatedlyduring Clinton’s speech.]
Bill Clinton: Our country has been distractedby this matter for too long and I take myresponsibility for my part in all of this. [Starrappears at left gripping a pulley rope and lowers asemen-stained donkey from the ceiling.] That is all Ican do. [Starr props a stiff, semen-stained Al Goreagainst a bureau behind Clinton. Gore holds a signreading: GORE 2000.] Now, it is time — in fact, it ispast time — to– [Starr wheels in a table with thesemen-soaked purple dress under a microscope. Starrpeers into the microscope, then points to theeyepiece. Cut to a microscopic view of nine wigglingsperm — all have bodies resembling Clinton’shead.]
Bill Clinton’s Sperm: [squeaky, high-pitchedvoices] I did not have sexual relations with thatwoman!
[Cut back to Clinton addressing the camera. Starr nowholds the microscope over the donley’s semenstain.]
Bill Clinton: We – we have important work–
[Cut to a microscopic view of more wiggling Clintonsperm.]
Bill Clinton’s Sperm: [squeaky, high-pitchedvoices] I did not have sexual relations with thatwoman!
[Cut back to Clinton who has risen and is whacking atStarr with a flyswatter. Starr tries to protect theimmobile Gore from damage.]
Bill Clinton: I ask you to turn away from thespectacle of the past seven months …
[Cut back to microscopic view of more wiggling Clintonsperm. They seem to be multiplying rapidly.]
Bill Clinton’s Sperm: [squeaky, high-pitchedvoices] I did not have sexual relations with thatwoman!
Bill Clinton: … to repair the fabric of ournational discourse.
[Cut back to Clinton still whacking at Starr with aflyswatter. He turns on the donkey and starts whackingit, too. Starr rushes to protect the donkey fromdamage. The glowing spirit of Richard Nixon swoops inand demonically possesses Clinton’s body. Suddenly,Clinton is channeling Nixon: imitating Nixon’strademark slouch, his voice and his gestures.Patriotic music.]
Clinton as Nixon: [from Nixon’s infamous 1974farewell speech to the White House staff] Alwaysremember, those who hate you don’t win unless you hatethem — and, then, you destroy yourself.
[Clinton glows and Nixon’s spirit flies out ofClinton’s body and soars away. Clinton, his old selfagain, smiles forgivingly at Starr. Both men hug eachother warmly. After a moment, Clinton starts humpingStarr and Starr violently shoves him away and offscreen. Cut to the FUN WITH REAL AUDIO graphic withsmiling reel-to-reel tape machine. Cut to end creditsand “TV Funhouse” theme song.]
[fade up to President Bill Clinton in casual clothes; background is white throughout the entire commercial]
Bill Clinton: [looking upward with outstretched arms, singing] I did not have sexual relations with that woman!
[series of three cuts: Bill playing a saxophone near a keyboard, then Bill sitting in a leather chair, then Bill shaking his hips next to the keyboard; saxophone can be heard throughout the rest of the commercial]
I misled people!
[cut to Bill’s feet moving on the floor]
Oooohh!
[series of two cuts: Bill shaking his butt near the keyboard, then Bill posing provocatively with his belt unbuckled and his pants unzipped and unbuttoned with the camera moving from his crotch to his head]
[whispers] Listen…
[series of two cuts: Bill playing the saxophone near the keyboard, then a close-up of Bill playing the saxophone and stopping after a few seconds to address the camera]
[chuckles] This is so easy! It’s just…it’s easy!
[series of two cuts: the Gap logo with “Easy fit.” underneath with the saxophone playing the “fall into the Gap” notes until the end of the commercial, then a close-up of Bill playing the final notes]
Air Date:
