Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 3





98c: Lucy Lawless / Elliot smith

Judge Judy

Judge Judy/Herself.....Cheri Oteri
Burt the Bailiff.....Tracy Morgan
Ms. Diamond.....Lucy Lawless
Ms. Gilliard.....Ana Gasteyer
The Real Judge Judy.....Judge Judith Sheindlin

Announcer: You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheinlin. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final. This is her courtroom. This is Judge Judy.

Burt the Bailiff: Order! All rise

Announcer: Professional children's clown Rashael Diamond is suing Joyce Gilliard for the amount of $300 for services rendered at her son's birthday party.

Burt the Bailiff: Be seated! Your honor, this is case number 178, Gilliard vs. Diamond. The parties have been sworn in.

Judge Judy: Did you see the game tonight, Burt?

Burt the Bailiff: Looks like the Yankees gonna put the Padres to bed, judge.

Judge Judy: Well, you better hope they win World Series cause I got your paycheck riding on it.

Burt the Bailiff: [ laughs ]

Judge Judy: I'm serious. Ok. I'm Judge Judy and I'm tough.

Burt the Bailiff: She's judicious.

Judge Judy: But I'm all woman.

Burt the Bailiff: She's delicious.

Judge Judy: Ok, let's see what you have here. Ms. Gilliard why don't you tell me what happened at your son's birthday party.

Ms. Gilliard: Well your honor, this woman claims to be a professional clown. She came to my son Richard's birthday party and proceeded to carry on like Madonna at a frat house.

Ms. Diamond: Excuse me. I was paid to entertain the kids. We danced, played games, ate cake. No one got hurt. End of story.

Judge Judy: Hey, I got a story for you. It's called the day I killed the whore clown. Zip it. Continue madam [ to Ms. Gilliard ].

Ms. Gilliard: Well, first of all, your honor, my sweet little boy will never be the same after playing her version of pin the tail on the donkey.

Ms. Diamond: No big deal. I couldn't find a damn donkey so I had the kids put tails on my butt. An ass is an ass, am I right?

Judge Judy: [ to Ms. Diamond ] Hey, look at me. Look at me. Ok. I'll take a pig to the butcher when I want to eat baloney. Ok? Got it? You got it?

Burt the Bailiff: Hot judge, cold cuts.

Judge Judy: Ok, now Ms. Diamond, what sort of training do you have as a clown? What's your background.

Ms. Diamond: I never took no courses, but my mother really encouraged me. Whenever the circus came to town she would drop me off and leave me for days.

Ms. Gilliard: Hmmm... is that where your mother uh taught you how to make those disgusting animal balloons?

Ms. Diamond: No, they are my own design, tight-ass.

Judge Judy: Hey! Hey! I'm the only tight ass in this courtroom. Right here. The only tight ass. All right, Ms. Diamond, let's see some of these designs.

Ms. Diamond: Oh fine! [ puts an animal balloon on her head which looks like a penis and balls ] Look your honor! I'm an elephant. I never forget. I never forget. I never forget [ to Ms. Gilliard ].

Ms. Gilliard: You should see her petting zoo.

Ms. Diamond: And you should be in it you big fat cow.

Ms. Gilliard: I am big boned! Did you hear that your honor?

Judge Judy: Ok, listen mighty mouth. I got a foot long clown shoe with your name on it. Right here. Ok? Understood?

Ms. Diamond: Sorry.

Judge Judy: [ yelling ] Hey understood, head of wood?

Ms. Diamond: Your honor, all that I ask is an opportunity to demonstrate my gift.

Judge Judy: Ok, Clarabelle. I got this thin a patience [ motions with fingers ]. Quick. Let's see some clowning.

Ms. Diamond: Ok your honor! Hey, the kids really love me. [ puts on clown hair and a red nose, turns on music, gets a honky horn, and begins dancing provocatively near Bailiff Burt while honking the horn ]

Burt the Bailiff: Hahahaha! Yeaaaahh!! Hahaha! Judge, she's hilarious! Yeaaahh!

Judge Judy: [ slamming her hand down on her desk ] Burt!

Burt the Bailiff: That ain't funny.

Judge Judy: Ok that's it. I don't know whether, I don't know whether to clap or put a dollar in her panties. The show's over. Show's over. I'm ready to rule.

[ The Real Judge Judy enters the courtroom ]

The Real Judge Judy: That's it. I've seen enough, Cheri. Get up.

Cheri Oteri: I, but I, but I, I..

The Real Judge Judy: [ putting a hand on Cheri's shoulder ] Get your bony ass out of my chair. Get up. [ Cheri moves and the real Judge Judy sits down ] Watch and listen. Get your bony ass out of my chair, baby.

Cheri Oteri: Okay..

The Real Judge Judy: Good girl. Now watch and listen cause I'm ready to rule.

Cheri Oteri: Okay.

Burt the Bailiff: The real deal is ready to rule.

The Real Judge Judy: Now I've come across a lot of numbnuts in my day, but Ms. Gilliard [ rolls eyes ] you are right up there.

Cheri Oteri: She up there, there, she's..

The Real Judge Judy: Not now, Cheri. Not now. Ms. Diamond here has an entrepreneurial spirit, she has a devotion of craft. And a wonderful way of children. She may have a little trouble getting the first olive out of the jar, but her fierce determination, her beauty, and great legs, remind me of myself when I was just starting out.

Ms. Gilliard: This is ludicrous.

The Real Judge Judy: Hey! but, but, but, but, but, but-

Cheri Oteri: Hey but, but, but, but, but, but, but! Got your back.

The Real Judge Judy: [ to Cheri ] Now you got it. Now you got it. [ to Ms. Gilliard ] You keep your trap shut and get a life. You know you were getting this woman what she was as soon as she walked in to the door.

Ms. Gilliard: She was wearing a coat, your honor!

The Real Judge Judy: Listen, don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining. Court rules in favor of the plaintiff. Now Cheri, let's go talk about those eyebrows.

Cheri Oteri: It wasn't my idea, I swear. It was the makeup department's idea.

[ fade ]


Submitted by: Christine


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