Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 3




98c: Lucy Lawless / Elliot smith

NBC News Special Report

Tom Brokaw.....Chris Parnell
Henry Hyde.....Will Ferrell
Jesse Helms.....Darrell Hammond
Mary Bono.....Cheri Oteri

[ open on NBC logo ]

Annoucer: This is an NBC News Special Report. Reporting live from Washington, here is Tom Brokaw.

[ dissolve to Tom Brokaw at news desk ]

Tom Brokaw: As the spector of impeachment hearings brings the wheels of government to a grinding halt.. a suddenly hesitant America asked itself, "Have we gone too far?" More and more Americans seem to think the answer to that question is.. "Yessss". Public opinion polls sohw 67% are in favor of the job the President is doing; 32% are not; and 1% think Howard Stern rules. Republican leaders taken aback by this pro-Clinton backlash are ready to respond. We go now, live, to the office of Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, Henry Hyde, for this special address.

[ dissolve to Henry Hyde's office ]

Henry Hyde: Good evening, America. Recently, the Republican Party has been accused of conducting a witch hunt aimed at overhrowing an elected Preisdent. Some even say we're in the midst of a coup d'etat. Well, I'm here to say, "You're damn right!" And, you know what, America - what the hell you gonna do about it? Okay? Most of you are too busy watching "Road Rules" and drinking Frappucinos to go out and vote. We're gonna boot this hillbilly out! And then give tax breaks to the rich! So suck on that! Suck on it a real long time, then suck on it some more! Then keep sucking on it, and then suck a little bit more, and suck some more! And just keep sucking on it! Now, to further drive home how little respect I have for you as a nation, here's my good friend Sen. Jesse Helms.

[ Jesse Helms enters office ]

Jesse Helms: Ohhhhh.. [ forms evil pose duet with Henry Hyde ] Hello, America. For 40 years, all y'all have been cutting Social Studies class and grab-assin' in the Smokin' Lounge! Now, we're screwin' ya! And you're clueless! [ Henry Hyde snickers] Whatcha gonna do, call the cops?

Henry Hyde: [ chuckling ] That's rich! That's rich!

Jesse Helms: Clinton raised the minimum wage, and I'm gona cut it in half, mofos! [ Henry Hyde claps ecstatically ] Everyone one o' ya gonna be workin' at Arby's for $2 an hour! And I'm-a gonna be gettin' off on it!

Henry Hyde: Thanks, Jesse! Thanks! You think things can't get any worse? Then let me introduce Sonny Bono's widow, and member of the Judiciary Committee, Congresswoman Mary Bono. Hey, Mary, how are you?

[ Mary Bono enters office, joins the trifecta evil pose ]

Mary Bono: Hi, suckers! Just wanted, um.. my constituents in Palm Springs to know that I'm working hard to get that Luxury Tax lowered!

Henry Hyde: Good!

Mary Bono: The rest of you, can bite my ass!

Henry Hyde: Whoo-oo!

Mary Bono: Hey! Bruce Willis for President!!

[ the three of them scream like hyper schoolkids ]

Henry Hyde: [ snickering ] President Bruce Willis - you're all probably dumb enough to do it! [ mocking ] "He was in Die Hard, he can clean up the country like he did the bad guy!" [ motions fingers ] Hey, look, America - my thumb came off! My thumb came off!

Jesse Helms: Now, listen here, America - we're not morons like most of you. So, just in case this woke some of you up, let me take care of some business. [ holds up pocket watch on chain ] Just look at this watch.. it's shiny, very shiny. You're getting very sleepy.. you'll remember none of what you heard.. Republicans are your pals, they want a proud America, they don't want blacks anywhere! Oh.. oh.. I mean, no affirmative action, oh yeah.. Think of good things, America. Think of the TV show "Friends".. think of dancing babies.. fruit roll-ups.. that little kid from "Jerry Maguire".. Beanie Babies.. sharks fighting monkeys.. Ohhhh, you feel good? What's the point of votin'? Go to slee-eep.. slee-eep. Don't think, just repeat the mantra: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night.." "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night.."

Hypnotized Audience: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night.."

Jesse Helms: Nothing matters - nothing.. so, "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night."


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