Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 3





98c: Lucy Lawless / Elliot smith

The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show with Antonio Banderas

Antonio Banderas.....Chris Kattan
Sally Desk......Lucy Lawless
Senor Guadalupe Ramirez......Horatio Sanz
Guitarrists......Jimmy Fallon, Chris Parnell

[Fade up to Antonio Banderas sitting on a couch with his mariachi band, which is playing soft music behind him. Fade up "The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show with Antonio Banderas." Dissolve to closer view of Antonio.]

Antonio Banderas: Hello. I am Antonio, y Banderas. I am [whispers] actor! Welcome to The...how do you say?...Ah yes....Show. Now say hello to our good friend, and a very sexy man: Seņor Guadalupe Ramirez and the Gatos Picantes.

[band plays some notes]

Guadalupe: Hello, my frie-e-end!

[band plays two notes]

Antonio: You...you are so the sexy.

Guadalupe: No-o, no-o. You...YOU ARE THE SE-EXY, MY FRIEND, YES!

Antonio: [laughs] This is true....Now ladies and men of the gentles, don't hold your breast. Our gruest tonight es a lady. She has written a brook about the [shows the book] Lyme disease. It is called The Perils of Lyme Disease. [puts down the book] I adore [shows a lime] the lime....Please give it up good for the Miss Sally Desk.

[The band plays more upbeat music. Cheers and applause as Sally enters. Antonio kisses her hand.]

Sally Desk: Thank you, Antonio.

[Antonio and Sally sit down; the music stops.]

Antonio: No, thank you for inventing the lime....It's very sexy...with a cold [shows a bottle of Dos Equis beer] Dos Equis.

Guadalupe: Two Xs, yes! [Antonio laughs]

Sally: No, no, I think you're a little confused. Not limes, Lyme disease.

Antonio: [laughs] Enough. Now please, [band begins playing soft music] listen to me. I am Antonio...a Banderas. [whispers] I am actor! I was in the Zorro.

Guadalupe: Very, se-exy, yes!

Antonio: Almost too sexy. [music stops] Now Sal-ly, how can I help my sexy friend the lime from this terrible disease?

Sally: Oh, [chuckles] it's like I said before: not limes, Lyme disease. People usually get it from deer ticks. It can cause tiredness, achy joints, vomiting...

Guadalupe: Vomiting, ye-es! Very sexy, my frie-end, yes!

Antonio: It is a little sexy, yes, vomiting. Now, can I tell you one something somethings? Limes are tasty in margaritas. They are like you. Like they were filled with the puss.

Sally: [confused] What?

Guadalupe: Filled with the puss. VER-Y-Y-Y SE-EXY, YES!

Sally: Filled with the puss?!

Antonio: Yes. The puss. Also now, I think I remember this. [soft music resumes] Very seriousness. I was in the Philadelphia with the Tom Hanks as the gay. [music stops]...It is very hot in here, no?

Guadalupe: Oh-h-h, yes it is. A little hot, yes!

Antonio: Well, maybe I - [stands up] I should, uh, do something about this...

Guadalupe: Oh, no-o.

Antonio: ...no?

Guadalupe: Too sexy, please, don't do it! NO, MY FRIEND, TOO SEXY!

Antonio: But I must!

[The band plays fast music while Antonio sways sensually and undoes a button on his shirt. The music stops when Antonio finishes undoing the button.]

Guadalupe: [while music is playing] NOOOO! TOO SEXY! NO, PLEASE STOP IT! BE COOL! OH NO, MY FRIEND, TOO SEXY!

Antonio: Okay, very nice. Now I'm all right. Maybe one more for the [band plays a few fast notes] kids? No, I will not do this. [sits down]

Now...what here is this? [points to Sally's breasts] They call them something, I know. There is [points to Sally's left breast] this one, and ooh! [points to Sally's right breast] Look here, man! There's another! They are like the sexy things. Sometimes they move and they say hello. But, they're also know how to be quiet....Very sexy.

Sally: You mean my breast?

Antonio: [laughs] Yes. The bread.

Sally: Look, I made a...huge mistake in coming here. [reaches for her book and starts to get up]

Antonio: Shhhhh...[touches Sally's lip] shh-poo-poo!...It is hot in here, yes?

Sally: No!

Antonio: I think I must [stands up] do something about the heat, uh...

Guadalupe: [under Antonio's last line] No-o, no, no, no!

Antonio: ...all of a sudden, it...

Guadalupe: [over Antonio's last line] No, no, friend, no!

Antonio: No, I must...

Guadalupe: No, please!

Antonio: [whispers] But I must!

Guadalupe: Don't! It's too sexy, my friend!

Antonio: I must.

Guadalupe: Please, noooo! [band plays fast music while Antonio undoes the next button on his shirt, sways sensually, and rubs his chest] NO, MY GOD! TOO SEXY! NOT AGAIN! HERE IT COMES! TOO SEXY, YA! YA! YA! OH, NO! [music stops]

Antonio: Okay. [grabs his zipper] How about my little friend to [band resumes fast music] come out?

Guadalupe: NO, NO, NOT THE LITTLE FRIEND!

Antonio: [before Guadalupe finishes pleading] Oh, all right, [music stops] I will not do this, then! [sits down] All right. Now...very serious, now. Let's not laugh. No more funny.

Well, where we were, what, where, who, what happened?

Sally: [before Antonio finishes talking] I don't know.

Antonio: What did you say?

Sally: I don't know.

Antonio: It was like a sexy thing!...This I rike.

Sally: Rike?! You're Spanish, not Chinese!

Antonio: This is true. But I am so the sex. But it is hot again! Why is this happening? [stands up] Is there a problem with the temperature in the studio?

Guadalupe: [starts just before Antonio stands up] Oh, no. Oh-h, my God, no, please! No, my friend, please! It is TOO sexy this time! [chuckles]

Antonio: But I must! [band plays loud, fast music while he begins taking off his shirt]

Guadalupe: OH, NO!

Antonio: Now! You watch! [Sally becomes disgusted] Watch me do the holy dance!

[As soon as his shirt is off, Antonio does a flamenco dance on the couch while clapping his hands. Sally grabs her book and runs away.]

Guadalupe: [during Antonio's display] PLEASE, MY LITTLE FRIEND! TOO SEXY-Y! STOP IT! STOP IT! [cries for him to stop] TOO SEXY, YAAAA!

[Antonio sits back down after Sally is gone. The music becomes soft as Antonio sits down.]

Antonio: She will be back....For she is like the place for putting in my thing....You know what I'm saying. Well, we will see you next time on...how do you say? Ah yes....Show.

[The music becomes faster while the band circles around the couch and table. Fade up title. Antonio grabs a rose.]

[fade to black]


Submitted by: Christine and Gregory Larson


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