For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Super Bowl Gambling Memories
Announcer: And now, another “Super Bowl Gambling Memory”.
Narrator: “Super Bowl X. Miami. With the Pittsburgh Steelers leading the Dallas Cowboys, 21 to 10, Dallas Quarterback Roger Staubach fires a 34-yard touchdown pass to Percy Howard in the waning moments of the fourth quarter, making the final score: Pittsburgh 21, Dallas 17. The Cowboys, 6-point underdogs, have beaten the spread.”
Announcer: This has been a “Super Bowl Gambling Memory”!
Air Date:
Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
January 24th, 1987
Joe Montana
Walter Payton
Deborah Harry
None
Deborah Harry, “In Love With Love”
(Repeat) See: 11/22/86.
Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.
Recurring Characters: Mace.
Recurring Characters: Eddie Spimoza, Chick Hazard, Nancy Maloney.
Recurring Characters: Church Lady.
The Sweeney Sisters
Candy Sweeney…..Jan Hooks
Bill….Kevin Nealon
Roger…..William Shatner
Liz Sweeeny…..Nora Dunn
Phil…..Phil Hartman
Whitney…..A. Whitney Brown
[ open on interior, Sweeney Sisters Christmas party ]
Candy Sweeney: [ passing out hors-douvres to one of her guests ] Okay, now. These are the cheese whizzies, the beef puffs and potato poofs. Take your pick.
Bill: Wow! You sure know how to throw a wing-ding, Candy!
Candy Sweeney: Well, I don’t know about the ding, but how about a wing! [ laughs ]
[ doorbell rings, Liz enters with her boyfriend Roger ]
Roger: Ho ho ho, everybody!
Candy Sweeney: [ to Liz ] Hey, you! How are you doing?
Liz Sweeney: Okay, how are you? Sorry we’re a little late.
Roger: Attencion, please. I’m gonna step out of character for once, and open my big, big mouth.
Bill: Yeah, right, Rog!
Roger: Thanks, Bill! Anyhoo. When I was singing a few years ago, at the, uh..
Liz Sweeney: Coconut Club.
Roger: Cocnut Club – thanks, honey. Just a year ago, actually., Well, Liz walked in while I was singing “Born Free”, and guess what? I forgot the lyrics right then. I still can’t remember them!
Liz Sweeney: Oh, come on! What Roger’s trying to say is that we got engaged tonight!
Candy Sweeney: [ excited ] That’s great! Welcome to the family!
Phil: Yeah, congrats, you two!
Whitney: Hey, how about a medley?
Phil: Why don’t you sing that number, that Christmas number you sang at the Blarney Stone?
Candy Sweeney: Twist my arm! Twist my arm! [ her arm is twisted ] Ow! [ laughs ]
[ Sweeney Sisters take off their wraps and stand in front of the room with their microphones ]
Liz Sweeney: Oh, well, this is just so sweet of all of you.
Candy Sweeney: Yes.
Liz Sweeney: You know, when we think of Christmas, we think of one thing.
Candy Sweeney: Yeah, maybe you do, too.
Together: Bells!
[ singing ]
“Bing-bong, bing-bong, bing-bong, bing-bong, bing-bong!
Jingle-jingle-jing!
Just hear those sleigh bells ringing, and jing-jingling, too!
Come on, it’s lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you.
And you, and you, and you!
Outside, the snow is falling, and friends are calling yoo-hoo!”
Crowd: Yoo-hoo!! Yoo-hoo!!
Candy Sweeney: Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute! Who’s on stage here? [ laughs ] Seriously, I’m gonna get serious for a minute here and say that my sister/bride-to-be has found her fella. For that, I’m very happy, although it’s not gonna be too easy being the Lone Ranger out there on the range by myself. But, you know.. it may sound corny, but.. there’s a word in this business, people. And that word is “support”. And this gal has given me nothing but, from the get-go, and I mean that, I do.
Liz Sweeney: Well, I’ll tell you one gift she’s not getting for Christmas – the gift of gab. You’ve got that already!
Candy Sweeney: [ laughs ] Guilty! [ laughs ]
Together: [ singing ]
“Giddyup, jingle horse, pick up your feet
Jingle around the clock!”
Candy Sweeney: Yeah!
Together:
“A mix and a mingle and a jingling beat
That’s the jingle bell.”
Candy Sweeney: “That’s the jingle bell.”
Liz Sweeney: “That’s the jingle bell rock.”
Candy Sweeney: [ singing ]“Bells. On bobtail ring
Making spirits bright.”
[ to the crowd ] How you doing tonight? Good.
“What fun it is to laugh and sing
a sleighing song tonight.”
Liz Sweeney: [ singing ]
“Sleigh bells ring – come with me! Are you listening?
In the lane, snow is glistening.”
Together:
“A beautiful sight
We’re happy tonight
Walking in a winter wonderland!”
Candy Sweeney: Take it down, Liz!
Liz Sweeney: [ to Roger ]“Silver Bells, Silver Bells.”
Together: “It’s Christmastime in the city.”
Liz Sweeney: “Hear them ring.”
Candy Sweeney: “Hear them ring.”
Liz Sweeney: “Ding-a-ling.”
Candy Sweeney: Who you calling a ding-a-ling?
Liz Sweeney: You!
Candy Sweeney: [ laughs ]
Liz Sweeney: “Soon it will be Christmas..”
Together:
“Clang-clang-clang went the trolley!Ding-ding-ding went the bells!
Liz Sweeney: Bell?
Candy Sweeney: Ding?
Liz Sweeney: Dong!
Candy Sweeney: Ring!
Liz Sweeney: Clang!
Candy Sweeney: [ singing ]
“Hark to the bells
Here come the bells
There go the bells
So many bells.
Hark to the bells
Here come the bells
There go the bells
So many bells.”
Together:
“Merry, Merry, Merry, Merry Christmas!Merry, Merry, Merry, Merry Christmas!”
Candy Sweeney: [ singing ]
“Hark to the bells
Here come the bells
There go the bells
So many bells!”
Together: [ singing ]
“A mix and a mingle and a jingling beat!
That’s the jingle bell
That’s the jingle bell
That’s the jingle bell ro-o-o-o-ock!
Five golden.. ringgggggggggsssssss!!”
[ zoom out ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 12: Episode 8
86h: William Shatner / Lone Justice
Star Trek V: The Restaurant Enterprise
Captain Kirk…..William Shatner
Mister Spock…..Kevin Nealon
Doctor “Bones” McCoy…..Phil Hartman
Mister Sulu…..Akira Yoshimura
Khan and the Voice of Scottie…..Dana Carvey
The Health Inspector…..Jon Lovitz
Cranky Customer…..Nora Dunn
Crewwoman/Waitress…..Victoria Jackson
[Scene opens on the exterior of the ship, which is revolving on a pole. At the top of the pole is a sign that reads “Restaurant Enterprise. Today: Bluefish Special”.
Voiceover by Kirk: It has been six months since the Enterprise has been sold to Marriott Corporation as a revolving theme restaurant. It has been difficult for my crew but they have adjusted admirably.
[Kirk enters a futuristic-looking restaurant looking out over space. Walks over to Spock and McCoy.]
Kirk: Gentlemen, what’s going on? I left specific instructions that the special today was to be flounder.
Spock: Captain, we ran out of the flouder two hours ago.
Kirk: Then what have you been serving?
Spock: Bluefish.
Kirk: Bluefish?
Spock: [Pause.] Humpback whale, Captain.
[Half the audience laughs, the other half groans. Star Trek IV, the movie where they saved the whales, had just opened.]
McCoy: It’s good fish Jim, really.
Crewwoman/Waitress: Captain, we’re having a problem with one of the customers over here. She’s complaining about her order.
Kirk: Don’t worry. I’ll care of it.
[Theme music for imminent danger starts playing.]
McCoy: JIM! BE CAREFUL!
[Kirk walks cautiously over to the Cranky Customer.]
Kirk: Good evening madam. I am the manager of this establishment. How can I help you?
Cranky Customer: I thought we were supposed to get fries with this.
Kirk: No ma’am, that’s a Klingon. You want a Romulan.
Cranky Customer: Well, you must have changed the name.
Crewwoman/Waitress: We didn’t change the name, ma’am…
Kirk: I’ll take care this for you. [Flips open his communicator.] Romulan with fries and…what would you like to drink, madam?
Cranky Customer: A Chocolate Scottie.
Kirk: And a ChocScot.
[Tray with the order materializes nearby. Kirk gives it to the woman and then walks back to the others.]
McCoy: [Dramatically.] That was a close one, Jim!
[Kirk walks around the dining area asking customers how they’re doing. One man starts to answer, but begins choking on his food.]
Kirk: McCoy! This man needs your assistance!
McCoy: For God’s sake, I’m a doctor, not a…oh…right…sorry. [Rushes over and tries giving him the Heimlich Manoeuver, but it doesn’t seem to be working.]
Spock: Allow me, doctor. [Gives the Vulcan nerve pinch to the customer, who proceeds to spit out the piece of food.]
[Audience cheers.]
[Another customer flags Kirk down and points to her sandwich.]
Kirk: Bones, can you take a look at this?
McCoy: [Whirring sound and he waves his medical device over the sandwich.] Jim! This sandwich is completely dry!
Kirk: [Aghast.] What happened to the Special Sauce? [Looks around.] Mister Sulu!
Sulu: Captain! It’s the condiments bar. There’s a problem with the Special Sauce. The dispenser is jammed. It will take days to repair.
Kirk: [Appears deep in thought for a moment.] Okay…here’s what I want you to do. Mix a little mustard together with a little relish.
Sulu: [Starts pumping the dispensers.] It’s working Captain!
Kirk: Keep at it, Mister Sulu…I want full relish!
[Suddenly realizes that Sulu is not as thin as he used to be. Pats his gut.]
Kirk: Mister Sulu, we’ve put on a bit of weight, haven’t we?
Sulu: [Hanging his head shamefully.] Yes, Captain.
Kirk: Don’t make me regret my policy of free food for the crew.
[A crashing sound is heard. Everyone fakes falling by leaning from side to side and then running back and forth across the stage.]
Kirk: [Flipping open his communicator.] Scottie, why have we stopped revolving?
Scottie: [Voice from offstage.] I doan’t knooow Cap’n, but she canna take much moooorrrrrrr…
Spock: Captain, my tricorder indicates that someone is coming this way.
[Door slides open and a figure strides through to face the captain.]
Khan: Kiiiirrrrrkkkkk. I have waited for my revenge for twenty-five yeeeeaaaarrrsss.
[Audience starts laughing hysterically at Carvey, who is dressed exactly like Khan in Star Trek II.]
Kirk: Khan!
Khan: Yes, Kirk. It is I, your greatest foe and I will…Sulu? [Walks over to him.] Sulu! Oh my god, what have they done to you? [Eyes Sulu’s large gut.]
Sulu: [Shrugs.] We all get older, Khan.
Khan: I cannot bear to look at you. Turn away from me! [Spins Sulu around so he’s no longer facing him.]
Kirk: Khan…stop it! You board my ship, you insult my crew. What is it you really want?
Khan: Ahhhhh, very well Kiiiiiirrrkkkk. I shall get to the heart of the matter.
[Khan snaps his fingers and a man with a clipboard comes through the door to stand at his side.]
Khan: This is the health inspector. Your establishment has many infractions. You have dirty silverware stored next to clean. No sneeeeezzzeeeguard on the saaaaalllaaad baaaaarr.
[Kirk, Spock and McCoy huddle together, talking in low tones.]
McCoy: He’s got us, Jim.
Kirk: Maybe, maybe not. Bones, Spock…do you have any money?
McCoy: A few dollars, Jim, but why?
Kirk: Just give it to me.
[The two men hand him their cash. Kirk strides over to the health inspector.]
Kirk: I appreciate you bringing these problems to my attention. We’ll be taking care of them right away. [Shakes the inspector’s hand, passing him the cash.]
Health Inspector: [Glancing at the cash.] Well, seeing as this is your first offense and that you’re willing to rectify the situation, I don’t see why we can’t just let this one go.
Khan: Oooooohhhhhh Kirk! You may have won this time, but I will be back. And next time…you…will…be…cited! Inspector…come!
[Khan and the health inspector exit.]
[A brief exterior and theme music, and then back to an interior shot.]
Spock: Captain, it seems quite illogical that Khan was betrayed by the very health inspector he recruited to defeat you.
Kirk: Never underestimate the power of human greed, Spock.
McCoy: What he means, Spock, is that sometimes your vaunted Vulcan logic fails you.
Spock: Doctor…would you kindly do me the honor of eating my shorts?!
McCoy: Wha-wha-wha-whhhhaaaaaatttt!?
Kirk: Mister Spock, I believe you’re getting more human all the time.
[Kirk flips open his communicator.]
Kirk: Mister Scott…full revolve!
[Audience applaudes, credits roll. Fade.]
Submitted by: Kevin McGuinness
William Shatner’s Monologue
…..William Shatner
William Shatner: Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you!Hey! First of all, I want to say it’s quite a thrill to be hosting theshow tonight, it’s a nice way to cap off a great year for me! Yeah! “Star Trek IV” has turned out to be a huge hit…. [ applause ] Yuh! And I can only hope that “T.J. Hooker IV” does half as well!
Actually, I’m very proud of our new movie because… uh… y’know… inmaking a film about the threatened extinction of the whales, we were trying to make an important… an important statement. And that is, a sequel can be just as successful as its original. [ flat joke, subdued applause ]
You know, it still amazes me that the uh… the influence the series has. It’s now been shown in over a hundred countries and of course each country translates it to fit their own culture. For example, in Japan, I understand it’s called, “Sulu, Master of Navigation.” [ polite titters of laughter] So it’s truly worldwide.
And one of the most interesting aspects of the “Star Trek” phenomenon has to be the conventions… with all the Trekkies and Trekkettes and the Trek-kores and… I mean they’re truly incredible, and I hope they have a sense of humor about this show tonight or… I’m in deep trouble! Anyway, I thought you might like to see what one of these conventions… MIGHT be like….
[ fade ]
Thanks to Jay, Debbie and the Kids for this transcript!
The Mute Marine
Oliver North…..William Shatner
[ open on Lieutenant Oliver North surrounded by seven other Marines in front of a huge American flag ]
[ bouncing ball outlines the lyrics as they are sung, to the tune of “Ballad of the Green Berets” by Sgt. Barry Sadler ]
Marine Hymn:
“Fighting soldier in Vietnam
The perfect son to any mom.
He’s one part man
One part machine.
He’s Ollie Morth
the Mute Marine.
Mined the harbor
of Managua.
Planned the invasion
of Grenada.
But soon cruel fate
would intervene.
And he’d become
the Mute Marine.
He traded arms with Iran
For hostages
What a great plan!
The chances for
success were zero.
And yet he’s still
a national hero.
Two Swiss accounts
were in his name.
Diverted funds
but who’s to blame?
The time had come
to tell his tale.
Here’s what he said
T’stay out of jail:”
Oliver North: [ repeatedly opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out ]
Marine Hymn:
“He’d like to talk
but connot speak.
his will is strong
his case is weak.
We may never know
just what he’s seen.
The man they call
the Mute Marine.”
[ Oliver North and the seven Marines hold their hands to their heads for a salute ]
Oliver North: “Live! From New York! It’s Saturday Night!”
Lost Ending To “It’s A Wonderful Life”
…..William Shatner
Mary Bailey…..Jan Hooks
George Bailey…..Dana Carvey
Dave…..Kevin Meaney
Harry Bailey…..Dennis Miller
Mr. Potter…..Jon Lovitz
Uncle Billy…..Phil Hartman
Ernie…..A. Whitney Brown
(Fade-in to William Shatner, sitting on a stool on stage and speaking directly to the camera).
William Shatner: Ladies and Gentlemen: You are about to witness an important moment in the history of both television and cinema. After a search of nearly 40 years, the fabled “lost ending” to Frank Capra’s 1947 film, “It’s a Wonderful Life” has been found! Tonight, for the first time anywhere, “Saturday Night Live” is proud to present this priceless footage – the fully realized vision of an authentic American genius. So, without further ado, here is the “lost ending” to “It’s a Wonderful Life”.
(fade in to clips from the film of the famous “You are now entering Bedford Falls” sign, as well as the equally famous shots of the Christmas-lit streets of Bedford Falls. Cut to the Bailey home, where the good citizens have convened to rally behind their neighbor George Bailey in his time of need. As we fade in, we see Ernie emptying a basket full of cash onto the table as George and his family look on in awe.)
Mary Bailey: They’ve been coming all evening. They didn’t ask any questions – all they said was, “if George Bailey needs help, we’re here to help him!”
George Bailey: (holding Zsu-Zsu in his arms) Wh-wh-why Mary–I never realized I had so many friends! A-a man wh-who has a friend is a rich man, that’s what Clarence said, and by golly he was right!
Dave: I wouldn’t have a roof over my head if it wasn’t for you, George!
George Bailey: Thanks, Dave! Thank you!
(George’s brother Harry Bailey, dressed in his airline pilot’s uniform, makes his way through the crowd)
Harry Bailey: ‘Scuze me! Pardon me–Hello George, how are you?
George Bailey: Harry! Welcome home, Harry!
Harry Bailey: Thanks, Merry Christmas, George! (to the crowd) Now wait a minute, everybody! I got a telegram here I wanna read–from London! (reads) “Dear George. Stop. Mr Gower cables you need cash. Stop. My office instructed to advance you up to $8000. Stop. (crowd reacts) Hee-haw and Merry Christmas! Sam Wainwright”!!!
(crowd cheers and everyone breaks into a joyous rendition of “Hark the Herald Angels Sing”.)
Crowd: (singing)
“Hark! the herald angels sing
Glory to the new-born King
Peace on earth and mercy….”
(Uncle Billy is heard offstage, screaming–“George! George!”, before finally bursting into the room. He has a string tied around his finger)
Uncle Billy: Quiet everyone! I remembered! I remembered what I did with the money–the $8000!
George Bailey: Why that’s great, Uncle Billy! What did you do with it?
Uncle Billy: (frantic) I was in the bank–I had it in a newspaper–I remember giving it to someone!
George Bailey: Well, who? Who’d you give it to?
Uncle Billy: No, wait! I just called Clarence at the bank. He told me that Old man Potter deposited $8000 right after I left! IT WAS HIM!!!
(crowd is outraged)
George Bailey: Well–what’re we waitin’ for? Let’s go get him!
Crowd: Yeah!!!
(background music changes from bright and Christmas-y to dark and ominous, as the bloodthirsty citizens of Bedford Falls make thier way to Potter’s office.)
(cut to Potter’s office. Potter looks out his window to see the baseball bat and crowbar-wielding mob arriving at his door–which they proceed to batter to pieces with thier weapons. An angry George appears in the doorway)
Mr. Potter: Stay where you are, George Bailey, you’re in enough trouble already…
George Bailey: You made one mistake, Mr. Potter: you double-crossed me and you left me alive!
Mr. Potter: Now, wait just a second–I’ll give you the money back!
George Bailey: I don’t want the money–I want a piece of you, Potter! (tips Potter’s wheelchair over, spilling him onto the floor. George then begins kicking him ferociously) You think the whole world revolves around you and your money–well it doesn’t, Mr. Potter! In the whole vast configuration of things, you’re nothing but a scurvy little spider!
(The mob gasps in amazement as Potter pulls himself off the floor and onto his feet)
George Bailey: Why, you’re nothing but a fraud! You’re not even a cripple!
Mr. Potter: Now wait a second–I can explain this!
George Bailey: Harry! Mary! Hold him for me!
(Harry and Mary comply, each grabbing an arm as George pounds Potter repeatedly in the gut. A final punch to the jaw sends Potter sailing over his desk. George goes to the back of the desk and drags “Potter”–now a stuffed dummy–back around for more punishment).
George Bailey: I’m not through with you, Potter! Harry–Mary–have a piece of this!
Mary Bailey: Yeah, baby–you know it!
(she pounces on “Potter”, punching him in the head and body. Harry gets a few kicks in. George does a WWF-style, elbow-drop onto the hapless “Potter”. He then picks him up and throws him against a wall. Mary, Harry, and George each grab crowbars and/or 2x4s and proceed to bludgeon “Potter”, as Uncle Billy leads the mob in a few bars of “Auld Lang Syne”:)
Mob: (singing)
“Should old acquaintence be forgot
And never brought to mind
should old acquaintence be forgot
and days of auld lang syne!”
(Harry, Mary, and George continue to beat “Potter” to a pulp, as the movie fades out, and “The End” card from the movie flashes on the screen.)
Thanks to Shawn for this transcript!
Get A Life!
Written by: Bob Odenkirk & Judd Apatow
Ears…..Jon Lovitz
Charlie…..Dana Carvey
Artie…..Kevin Nealon
Emcee…..Phil Hartman
…..William Shatner
Second Emcee…..A. Whitney Brown
[ open on an exterior shot of the “Holiday Inn” with a sign reading “Welcome Trekkers.” ]
[ dissolve inside ]
[ A sign on the wall reads “16th Annual Star Trek Convention — 1986” ]
Ears: Charlie! Check this out!
Charlie: [ wearing “I Grok Spock” t-shirt ] Oh, outstanding, man!
Ears: Original cast photo, right before they added Chekhov!
Charlie: Oh, how much was it?
Ears: Sixty dollars!
Charlie: Ohhh…. They got any left?
Loudspeaker: Attention Trekkers, now available in the Hamilton Room…copies of DeForest Kelley’s single record, “He’s Dead, Jim.” Right now, in the Hamilton Room.
Artie: [ making the Vulcan “peace sign” ] Hey guys!
Charlie & Ears: Hey Artie!
Artie: How you guys doing on the trivia quiz?
Charlie: Aw, since you… hey, you got Khan’s middle name?
Artie: [ smugly ] Noonian!
Charlie: Yeoman Rand’s cabin number?
Artie: Y3-90!
[ Charlie and Ears snicker knowingly to each other. ]
Artie: What? Am I wrong? Am I wrong?
[ more snickers ]
Emcee: Attention! Attention! Hello everybody! Welcome to Day 4 of the 16th Annual Star Trek Convention… Well! …here in Rye, New York. A few announcements…. Ah… first… ah… a wonderful new… ah… item has just been added to the convention. It’s a program from the 1975 convention!
Trekkies: Oooo! Ahhh!
Emcee: Yeah! It’s a very special item, I’m sure you’ll enjoy it, and it’s ONLY… thirty dollars.
Secondly, we have some exciting guests at the convention today, so let me introduce them to you right now. First, we have the lovely actress Julie Cobb. Now you all remember her as Yeoman Leslie Thompson from the first ten minutes of Episode 51, “Errand of Mercy”… in which she was transformed into a cube… and crushed!
And next up is Pamela Denberg Doohan, the ex-wife of course of James”Scotty” Doohan, and ah… I understand life with the Enterprise’s Chief Mechanical Officer *was* somewhat turbulent… kinda like living with a MUGATU!
Trekkies: [ geekie laughter ]
Emcee: Yeah! Well you’ll all be able to meet Pamela in the Briar Wingwhere she’ll be signing copies of her new book, “Beam Me Out Of Here”!
And finally, the man you’ve all been waiting for, this is his first Star Trek convention in quite a long time, I know he’s thrilled to be here, Captain James Tiberius Kirk himself, WILLIAM SHATNER! [ Shatner walks to the podium. ] Now Bill’s here to field a few questions so just fire away!
Trekkies: Mr. Shatner! Mr. Shatner!
William Shatner: Alright, the first question, uh, go ahead!Charlie: Yeah! Okay, um, when you were gonna beam down to the planet,okay, for the last time in Episode 25? I was wondering, like um, w-w-what was going on with the crew in that particular….
William Shatner: Uh… Episode 25?
Charlie: Yeah!
William Shatner: Um… you gotta give me a PLOT, see, cause it’s 20 years and it’s a long time… a PLOT… uh….
Charlie: Yeah, Episode 25, that’s where you and the crew of the Enterprise get attacked by these spores? And started acting real weird, like hippies and stuff?
William Shatner: [ smiling ] Oh oh, yeah right, I remember, okay uh… what’s the question?
Charlie: Well um, I was wondering if you could settle a bet for me and my friends, okay? Um, like, when you… um, left your quarters for the last time? And you opened up your safe? Um… what was the combination?
William Shatner: [ lengthy pause, incredulous expression ] I-I-I don’t know! Imean, it’s been a long time! I, uh… I don’t know that! Uh, okay?
Charlie: [ disappointed ] Okay! Okay!
William Shatner: Anybody? Oh, all right, go ahead! You? Go ahead! You in the funny shirt!
Artie: [ wearing Kirk uniform ] Okay! Another bet… okay… on your horse farm… alright? How many saddle-bred horses do you have?
William Shatner: Uh… 34.
Artie: Wait, wait… is that including the colt that was born earlier this week?
William Shatner: [ stunned pause ] That mare had a foal?
Artie: Tuesday!
William Shatner: Well I… guess it’s 35 then!
Artie: ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! [ congratulated by his friends ]
William Shatner: You know, before I answer any more questions there’s something I wanted to say. Having received all your letters over the years, and I’ve spoken to many of you, and some of you have traveled… y’know… hundreds of miles to be here, I’d just like to say… GET A LIFE, will you people? I mean, for crying out loud, it’s just a TV show! I mean, look at you, look at the way you’re dressed! You’ve turned an enjoyable little job, that I did as a lark for a few years, into a COLOSSAL WASTE OF TIME!
[ a crowd of shocked and dismayed Trekkies…. ]
I mean, how old are you people? What have you done with yourselves?
[ to “Ears” ] You, you must be almost 30… have you ever kissed a girl?
[ “Ears” hangs his head ]
I didn’t think so! There’s a whole world out there! When I was your age, I didn’t watch television! I LIVED! So… move out of your parent’s basements! And get your own apartments and GROW THE HELL UP! I mean, it’s just a TV show dammit, IT’S JUST A TV SHOW!
Charlie: Are- are you saying then that we should pay more attention to the movies?
William Shatner: NO!!! THAT’S NOT WHAT I’M SAYING AT ALL!!! HEY, YOU GUYS ARE… THE LAMEST BUNCH… I’VE NEVER SEEN… [ walks away from podium ] I can’t believe these people… I mean, I really can’t understand what’s….
[ Emcee argues with Shatner off-mike, shoves him, Shatner shoves backharder…. ]
Second Emcee: Uh… that was William Shatner, ladies and gentlemen. Uh, I’d like to remind you Trekkers that we have some fine refreshments from all over the galaxy… Coke, Diet Coke, Bubble Up, Orange, I believe. We….
[ Meanwhile, Emcee waves the contract in front of Shatner, who thenreluctantly returns to the podium…. ]
William Shatner: Of course, that speech was a “re-creation” of the “Evil Captain Kirk” from um… Episode, um… [ Emcee whispers ] THIRTY-SEVEN… uhh… called… [ another whisper ] “The Enemy Within.”
[ Trekkies get happy, applaud ]
William Shatner: Yuh, Yuh, so thank you… and, and… Live Long and Prosper…
[ Trekkies make Vulcan “peace sign”…. ]
William Shatner: So everybody… set your phasers on stun, cause… THISCONVENTION’S AHEAD WARP FACTOR NINE, Y’KNOW? RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! WARPFACTOR NINE!
[ fade out ]
Thanks to Jay, Debbie and the Kids for this transcript!
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
December 20th, 1986
William Shatner
Lone Justice
Griffin Dunne
Buster Poindexter
Ollie North has little to say during marine hymn.
Shatner jokes about the Star Trek conventions.
Shatner tells loser Trekkies to “get a life!”
Liz (Nora Dunn) sings medley for her fiance (Shatner).Recurring Characters: Candy Sweeney, Liz Sweeney.
T.J. (Shatner) is Little Blue Riding Hood during car chase.
Al Franken experiences phantom pains while describing Reagan’s prostate surgery.
Captain Kirk (Shatner) and company open restaurant in space.
Husband (Shatner) can’t get enough of his physique in the mirror.
Kevin recalls Christmas cliches and disasters.
Mr. Potter (Jon Lovitz) gets his comeuppance in the end.
Weekend Update with Dennis Miller
…..Dennis Miller
Girl…..Victoria Jackson
Moderator…..Jan Hooks
Boy…..Steve Guttenberg
Babette…..Nora Dunn
[ Music Open: “Allelujah” ]
Anouncer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with anchorperson Dennis Miller.
Dennis Miller: Thank you. I was dreaming when I wrote this, forgive me if I go too fast.
The White house Christmas tree was lit this week. And just like last year, it’s twice as old as the President and three times as bright.
And earlier this week, White House aide Pat Buchana, a former Nixon speech writer, was asked if he didn’t feel the least bit sheepish about calling Lieutenant Oliver North a hero. Buchana said, “Hey, come on, I’m the guy who fed Nixon the ‘I Am not A Crook’ line.”
Use of the Fifth Amendment in the current Iranscam crisis has highlighted once again Americans’ long withstanding ignorance of their own bill of rights. According to a “Weekend Update” poll, a full 47% of all Americans think that the fifth amendment is “Though shalt not covet Thy neighbor’s wife.”
White House Chief-of-Staff Don Regan is increasing pressure on the Preesident to divorce the First Lady, Nancy reagan. Regan said that Mrs. Reagan has become a liability to the President, because the American people perceive her to be a cold dragon lady. Sources close to the White house say that actress Lee Remick is a favorite to replace the First Lady.
Bud McFarland sold the farm. C-I, C-I-A.
The FBI said this week that the wave of product tampering has now spread to clothing. The announcement was made after three cashmere sweaters were found to have been laced with steel wool.
Dennis Miller: Still no winner in this year’s National Spelling Bee, which is happening right now in Washington, D.C. The final round began this morning and is still going on. We take you there now, live.
[ cut to Girl particpating in the Spelling Bee ]
Girl: Could you use it in a sentence, please?
Moderator: “The girls from the other high school looked really scaggy.”
Girl: Um.. Scaggy. S-C-A-G-G-Y. Scaggy.
[ bell rings ]
[ next kid stands up ]
Moderator: Aieeee.
Boy: Could you use it in a sentence, please?
Moderator: “The native screamed ‘Aieeeee’ as he lunged with his knife.”
Boy: Aieeeee! A-I-E-E-E-E-E-E. Aieeee!
[ buzzer sounds ]
[ back to Dennis in the studio ]
Dennis Miller: Come on, the kid choked. It’s “I” before “E”, and there’s five E’s in “Aieeeee”.
Well, this Wednesday I attended a Christmas party at the White House for the Washington press corps. And I decided to take a lifesize cardboard cutout of myself, to see if the President would pose with it. You know, I made it through the front door of the White House before the guards got it. Here we are posing with the cutout. So the next day, we took a shot of my cutout in front of the White House. We ran into some really important cutouts, who were nice enough to pose with me. Then we got real loose, and started messing around a little. So, while I didn’t get an actual photo of the President, I did come back with this – an embossed invitation to the White House.. this, the official White House Christmas scarf.. and, lastly, this C-K5 grenade launcher. And you know, when I asked the President what it costs to give these away, he said, “Just my credibility.”
Dennis Miller: The United States has long criticized France for its policy of selling arms to terrorist nations. We’ve been referring to French as a “nation of whores.” But now, in the wake of the Iranian Arms Scandal, many feel that the U.S. owes the French an apology. Here with advice on how we can repair our damaged relations with France is international sex kitten, Babette.
Babette: Thank you very much. You know, if America wants to win back the French, they must remember that France is like a woman. And when a woman has been betrayed, he must know how to handle her. The American must be gentle. He must call her. “Hello, darling? Forgive me, I’ve been a fool.” And the French will say, “How dare you call me after calling me a whore!” And the American will say, “No, I’m the whore! I’m a hypocrite.” And the French will say, “I know, now goodbye.” And the American will say, “Wait, wait! What about the flowers I sent?” And we will say, “I spit on your flowers!” And you will say, “But I worship you – I adore you. You are an angel.” And we will say, “Yes, that’s true. But you called me a whore!” And he will say, “Your legs are those of a goddess. Your lips are like wine. Your skin is like fine silk.” And I will say, “I must go.” And he will say, “How can you turn away from a man who lives only to look at you?” And I will say, “I don’t know..” “A man who thinks you are as priceless as any art in the Louvre, as mysterious as the Mona Lisa.” And I will say, “Yes!” And you will say, “You are so sensual, you should be wrapped in diamonds, and I will bite them off your body one by one.” And I will say, “Yes! Do that!” And he wil say, “I must have you.” And I will say, “Yes, you must!” And I will say, “Call me a whore!” And he will say, “What?” “I said, ‘Call me a whore!’ Say it!” He will say, “Alright, you’re a whore!” “Yes! I’m a whore! I’m a whore! Take me!”
Dennis Miller: [ lights Babette’s waiting cigarette ] Babette! Babette! Are you alright? Are you alright?
Babette: I’m very hot right now!
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Babette, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.
The Center For Disease Control has discovered a strong link between pencil shavings and cancer of the pancreas. Doctors say that anyone who has emptied the classroom pencil sharpener more than six times should prepare for death.
Mastercard – I’m bored.
Scientists at the University of Pennsylvania – turn off your TVs and get to bed. You all have a big conference tomorrow, so you’d better get some sleep.
In the wake of his recent TV special, “American Vice”, Geraldo Rivera – who, by the way, is to journalism what Lieutenant William Calley was to thatched huts – revealed this week that he turned down an offer to spearhead the Iranscam investigation. When asked why he passed on the opportunity to get inside Ronald Reagan’s mind, Rivera said, “Well, Capone’s vault was empty, and I just can’t have that happen again.”
Rock and roller Jerry Lee Lewis checked himself out of the Betty Ford Center this week, complaining that they wanted him to get up at six a.m. and clean toilets. A spokesman for the clinic said, “We like to tailor the program to the individual, and since he’s usually facedown in one at that time, we thought we’d give him a brush.”
Well, somebody finally did something about those Citrus wine cooler ads.
Dennis Miller: I read the news today, oh boy. And, guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am out of here!