Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 12

00l: Sean Hayes / Shaggy

Hello Dolly

Deana Nolan-Gray…..Ana Gasteyer
Taylor St. Laroy…..Sean Hayes

[ Sound of Irish music playing. ANA GASTEYER and SEAN are standing in front of a wall lined with rows of different dolls. ANA is wearing a blond wig and a flowery dress and SEAN has on a curly brown haired wig and mustache, and is wearing a blue and green sweater with a pair of khakis and a belt. The logo from The Home Shopping Network appears in the bottom left corner. ]

Deana Nolan-Gray: [ all of what she says sounds overly happy and has an Irish accent ] Hello and welcome to the ‘Hello Dolly’ February extravagenza! [ SEAN waves ] I’m Deana Nolan-Gray and I am pleased as punch to share this hour with legendary doll collecter, Taylor St. Laroy. Taylor, look at you, what a treasure.

Taylor St. Laroy: [ also happy with an Irish accent ] Look at me, look at me.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Look at you. Oh, bless your heart.

Taylor St. Laroy: Well, happy Valentine’s day, Deanna. Did Cupid bring you anything special?

Deana Nolan-Gray: Well he brought you, didn’t he?

Taylor St. Laroy: He certainly did.

[ they laugh ]

Deana Nolan-Gray: You know, I’ll admit, I was kinda holding out for a surprise phone call from my ex-husband, at the very least, some word about my kids. But you take what you can get, and I’ve got Taylor St. Laroy, so count me in, let’s get down to beeswax.

Taylor St. Laroy: Alright, well Dini, Cupid sure must’ve shot me with an arrow, because, boy, am I in love with our collection today.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Ohhhh!

Taylor St. Laroy: They’re called ‘Fancy Pantsies’ and they’re just gonna charm the pants right off of ya.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Ooo, it sounds x-rated, huh?

Taylor St. Laroy: It’s x-tra cute.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Awwww.

[ SEAN brings doll on from offscreen and puts it in the middle of the table. ]

Deana Nolan-Gray: Uh-oh, Taylor, I spy a little tyke and he’s in a whole messa trouble!

Taylor St. Laroy: Somebody’s full of pee and vinegar. [ indicates to doll ]

Deana Nolan-Gray: Awww.

Taylor St. Laroy: This little monkey got into Mama’s purse and Mama’s not too happy about it. No.

Deana Nolan-Gray: No.

[ Now there is a close up of the doll, a little boy with blond hair and red ‘makeup’ all over his face. An open purse sits between his legs. The caption at the bottom of the screen reads: $129.95, Jist Playin’, Item 6657 ]

Taylor St. Laroy: His name is ‘Jist Playin’ and he is item number 6657. He is at the unbelievable members-only price of $129.95.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Oh, you just can’t be furious with this one, ’cause you know he’s a mama’s boy.

Taylor St. Laroy: Yeah, he really is. Look, he’s just playin’.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Oh, you’re just playin’.

Taylor St. Laroy: Just playin’.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Just playin’. Oh, what a card.

Taylor St. Laroy: That’s all, just playin’. My favourite part of this doll is his horsehair lashes and those molded latex cheeks that you just want to pinch and say, “Mama paid a lot for that Estay Lauder, you little stinker.”

Deana Nolan-Gray: Ohhhh. Do you know, he is so lifelike, so lifelike. Hop to on this one, folks.

Taylor St. Laroy: Yeah.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Hop to.

Taylor St. Laroy: Let me tell you something, Deanna, what’s so great about this doll is that you have a controlled mess here.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah, yeah.

Taylor St. Laroy: Yes, but unlike real kids, he’s not gonna make it in his pants and then sit on your piano bench.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Oh, gosh.

Taylor St. Laroy: No.

Deana Nolan-Gray: No. I know all about that, you know, if my twins had been even a little bit easier, I probably wouldn’t have run into all that business with the Perkadan. You know?

Taylor St. Laroy: Probably.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Yep.

Taylor St. Laroy: Probably, count your blessings.

Deana Nolan-Gray: But Taylor, I’m a little hungry for some lunch. What d’ya say we order some Chinese?

Taylor St. Laroy: Oh!

[ During this time, Jist Playin’ has been put away and now ANA brings a doll in from offscreen. It’s a Chinese girl in a red outfit sitting in a Chinese food takeout box. ]

Taylor St. Laroy: Would ya look at her?

Deana Nolan-Gray: Now this exotic little lady is ‘Chop Suzy’ and she is from the Asian-Ilasian series, designed by Wagner Bernadi, and she is item number 2441, wow.

[ The close up of the doll shows the same type of caption at the bottom of the screen, reading $110.95, Chop Suzy, Item 2441 ]

Taylor St. Laroy: Wow.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Wow.

Taylor St. Laroy: Wow.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Wow. Taylor St. Laroy: Same forwards as backwards.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Wow.

Taylor St. Laroy: Wow.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Wow.

Taylor St. Laroy: You know, Dini, I have been in the Orient myself and it is just mindboggling how the house of Bernadi consistently captures what I’ve always called the Asian attitude.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah.

Taylor St. Laroy: Or ‘Asiantude’.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah.

Taylor St. Laroy: Yes. Of course, of course, Wagner Bernadi, world-renouned for his superlative thumb design. [ close up of Chop Suzy ‘s thumb ]

Deana Nolan-Gray: Yes, you just wanna suck that little thumb, I wanna suck that little thumb.

Taylor St. Laroy: Yes.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Ohhh!

Taylor St. Laroy: Oh, me love her long time. Deana Nolan-Gray: Yes, yes. Now-now, ‘Chop Suzy”s hair is triple stappled to her scalp, so she’s not gonna shed.

Taylor St. Laroy: Oh!

Deana Nolan-Gray: That’s good.

Taylor St. Laroy: That’s a bonus.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Yes.

Taylor St. Laroy: Yes, and, her neck joint is treated with polyurithane so her joints aren’t gonna get all moldy.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Big problem with neck joints.

Taylor St. Laroy: Yes, big problem.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Very moldy.

Taylor St. Laroy: You know, uh, my neighbour…

Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah.

Taylor St. Laroy: Has a real Asian child.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Oh, is that right?

Taylor St. Laroy: Mm-hm, and, uh, she is always talkin’ about Jack Russel terriers, I just wanna turn the hose on her.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah.

Taylor St. Laroy: You know?

Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah.

Taylor St. Laroy: Yeah. Holy geeze, Dini! What happened to that little huggable munchpie?

Deana Nolan-Gray: Well Taylor, I hate to say it, but somebody broke everything!

Taylor St. Laroy: Oh no!

[ During this time, Chop Suzy has been put away and ANA has pulled another doll out, this one a brown-haired pigtailed girl in a full body cast, holding a juice box. The caption reads $45.99, Oopz, Item 78453 ]

Taylor St. Laroy: Dini, this poor little lamby is from the house of Ami Del Ranado and her name is ‘Oopz’.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Now, ‘Oopz’ is second in the ‘Accidental Darlings’ series. You know, Taylor, Ami strives for excellence in the area of dolls in traction, and I think she’s got a winner here.

Taylor St. Laroy: I think so. And isn’t it so true that children are the sweetest when they’re immobilized?

Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah.

Taylor St. Laroy: Yeah.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah. ‘Oopz’ is available today for only $45.99. Now ‘Oopz’ comes with her own juice box and straw, cause this little apple dumpling’s gonna be on a liquid diet for quite some time.

Taylor St. Laroy: Yeah.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah.

Taylor St. Laroy: And with that straw, you know they’ll be no messy spills.

Deana Nolan-Gray: No.

Taylor St. Laroy: No.

Deana Nolan-Gray: No.

Taylor St. Laroy: Dolls always respect the personal property of others.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Yes they do, they do. Y’know, dolls are always there when you need them. On Valentine’s Day I was this close to kicking a blow dryer into the bathtub and I looked up, and I saw all 24 of my dolls on their shelf and they were saying, ‘Don’t do it, Mommy, have a Cullua, and go to bed’. What a comfort, what a comfort.

Taylor St. Laroy: They’re great, good thing you listened.

Deana Nolan-Gray: I did, I did.

Taylor St. Laroy: Don’t get me wrong, I love children, they’re darling, just as long as they follow the rules of my house.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah.

Taylor St. Laroy: The first being keep the g-d playdough away from my Oriental rug, it’s the only object in my home that I actually flew to go pick up.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah. Well stayed tuned this hour for ‘Music Box Showcase’.

Taylor St. Laroy: Oh, quick hello to my neices and nephew, Mackenzie, Caitlin, Laura, Emma, and Parker, hello!

Deana Nolan-Gray: And hi Wayne and Justin, Mama’s gettin’ a pool, so I hope she’ll see you this summer. And we’ll see you tomorrow on ‘Hello, Dolly’.

Taylor St. Laroy: Goodbye!

Deana Nolan-Gray: Goodbye now!

[ Irish theme music picks up and the “Hello Dolly” title appears on screen before the scene fades ]

[ END ]

Submitted by: The Unofficial Jack & Karen Site

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 12

00l: Sean Hayes / Shaggy

A Message From the President of the United States

President George W. Bush…….Will Ferrell

President George W. Bush: Good evening. When I campaigned to be your president, I promised that, if elected, I would change the tone in Washington; that I would end the usual partisan bickering and reach out to my opponents, often with a helping hand. And lately, it seems to me, that no one has needed a helping hand more than Former President Bill Clinton.

Accordingly, on Friday, February 16th at 12:30 p.m. Eastern time, I ordered a surprise military strike against Iraq in order to move his latest scandals off the front pages. Now, let me make something very clear: there was utterly no legal or military justification for this strike. Many innocent Iraqi civilians were killed or injured, and the men and women of our Armed Forces were needlessly placed in harm’s way. But, if you look at your morning paper, you’ll see that the Mark Rich pardon story is on page 5, which means ex-President Clinton can now get on with his life and enjoy this wonderful three-day weekend.

Now, many in my own party have questioned the wisdom in my actions. Why, they want to know, did I fail to consult with the Joint Chiefs of Staff and instead plan the raid only with James Carville and Geraldo Rivera? And also, they say, Clinton’s scandals are good for our party. To them, I can reply only that were Bill Clinton in my place, he would have done the same. Were he still President, he would have bombed Iraq to get his pardon of Mark Rich out of the news. I did it for him, because he would have done it for him. It’s called bipartisanship.

Finally, to Saddam Hussein, I have just one more thing to say: “Live, from..” ..no, wait. Two more things to say. First, don’t mess with Texas! Second, “Live,..” ..no, wait. Oh, yeah: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

Submitted by: Elizabeth Cross

SNL Transcripts

Classic Vaudeville with Charlie and Fleisy

Charlie…..Charlie Sheen
Fleisy…..Rachel Dratch

Announcer: And now, the Saturday Night Live preservation Society presents Classic Vaudeville with Charlie and Fleisy.

[ Charlie and Fleisy take the stage ]

Charlie: Hello, Fleisy, how are you?

Fleisy: I’m doing alright!

Charlie: Good. Now, Fleisy, you’re a whore, aren’t you?

Fleisy: Yeah! [ spotlight shines upon her crotch ]

Charlie: Well, I was thinking maybe I’d like to patronize some of the whores who work on your corner.

Fleisy: Well, I gotta warn you, nowadays whores have very peculiar names.

Charlie: Funny names?

Fleisy: Nicknames. Example: on the corner where I work, Who does oral, What uses her hand, I Don’t Know takes it in the kiester.

Charlie: That’s what I want to find out.

Fleisy: I told you! Who does oral, What uses her hand, I Don’t Know takes it in the kiester.

Charlie: Do you know the whore’s name?

Fleisy: Hell, yeah!

Charlie: Well, then, who does oral?

Fleisy: That’s right!

Charlie: The whore that does oral.

Fleisy: Who.

Charlie: I’m asking you.

Fleisy: And I’m telling you.

Charlie: Look, what’s the name of the whore that does oral?

Fleisy: No! What uses her hand.

Charlie: I’m not asking you who uses her hand.

Fleisy: Who does oral.

Charlie: I don’t know.

Fleisy: She takes it in the kiester!

Charlie: Look, after I get oral, who gets the money?

Fleisy: Every dollar of it.

Charlie: Who does?

Fleisy: That’s right. And why not? The bitch deserves it!

Charlie: Who deserves it?

Fleisy: Naturally.

Charlie: Okay. So Naturally does oral?

Fleisy: No, no, no. Who does oral.

Charlie: Naturally?

Fleisy: You got it!

Charlie: So.. Naturally does oral?

Fleisy: No. Who does oral.

Charlie: Look, what’s the name of the whore that does oral?

Fleisy: No, What uses her hand!

Charlie: I don’t know.

Fleisy: She takes it in the kiester.

Charlie: Again, I’m back to the kiester. Okay, when I get oral, who makes me climax?

Fleisy: She’d better!

Charlie: Who’d better?

Fleisy: If she wants to get paid!

Charlie: If who wants to get paid?

Fleisy: That’s right!

Charlie: [ thinking ] Look.. do you have a pimp?

Fleisy: Of course! A fine bunch of whores we’d be without a pimp!

Charlie: The pimp’s name?

Fleisy: Why.

Charlie: I just thought I’d ask you.

Fleisy: And I just thought I’d tell you.

Charlie: Then, tell me who’s the pimp.

Fleisy: No, Who does oral.

Charlie: I don’t know.

Together: She takes it in the kiester!

Charlie: Okay, look. Let’s say I want to have an orgy. Who’s doing oral, what’s using her hand, and I don’t know takes it in the kiester. Now, when it’s all over, why comes in to collect the money.

Fleisy: That’s the first thing you’ve said right!

Charlie: I don’t even know what I’m talking about! And, you know what? I don’t give a damn!

Fleisy: Oh, he’s my crack dealer!

[ they bow, the curtains close ]

SNL Transcripts

Hardball

Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond
Bob Barr…..Chris Parnell
Paul Begala…..Chris Kattan
Christine Whitman…..Ana Gasteyer

Chris Matthews: [ yelling ] Welcome back to “Hardball”, I’m Chris Matthews! The energy crisis rambles on, rolling blackouts, and California gas prices as high as two-forty gallon! Will a solution come from drilling in protected lands! Will it come from alternative energy sources! Or, how about this geniuses – maybe it’ll come from not filling your Chevy Suburban with forty gallons of premium so you can drive to the CBS for a Whitman’s Sampler and a pair of toenail clippers!! You gas-drunk hypocrites! With me today, Republican Congressman of Georgia, Bob Barr.

Bob Barr: Nice to be here, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Also joining us is former Clinton advisor and albino smurf, Paul Begala!

Paul Begala: [ with wide-eyed smile ] Now, Chris, why would you want to insult me right off the..

Chris Matthews: Shut it!! Congressman, why should we open these wildlife reserves to oil drilling! Don’t the cons outweigh the benefits!

Bob Barr: Absolutely not! The Alaskan reserve has enough oil to run this country for six whole months! Now, just imagine – we wouldn’t have to worry about expensive fuel until November 2001.

Chris Matthews: Mrs. Begala?

Paul Begala: Chris, this plan is a short-sighted Republican solution to a very complicated problem. We need price caps on energy, and..

Chris Matthews: Wait a second, wait a second.. you guys hear a pathetic high-pitch squeak like a chihuahua being strangled?

Paul Begala: [ laughing ] Now, Chris, why would I..

Chris Matthews: Whoa, whoa, there it is again! It’s the damndest thing, hope the little guy’s okay! Now, Congressman Barr, shouldn’t we also be looking into alternative energy sources?

Bob Barr: Well, Chris, my fellow Republicans are doing just that. We’re not just interested in Alaskan oil – this country’s lamps were powered by whale oil for years. Why not go back to drilling whales for oil? And I’m sure there’s a way to get oil out of dogs, lions, polar bears – any of those animals that no one really cares about.

Chris Matthews: Senorita Begala?

Paul Begala: [ smiling wiide ] Chris, that is insane! These animals are precious parts of the global ecosystem, and they should be protected and celebrated.

Chris Matthews: [ amazed ] Huh! I’ve gotta say, Begala, that was a smart and incisive answer.

Paul Begala: Well, thank you!

Chris Matthews: In fact, I like it so much, I want to see it again. Can we roll back what Begala just said?

[ in place of Paul Begala’s comment, a video of a chimpanzee wiggling its tongue back and forth is played ]

Paul Begala: Oh, come on!

Chris Matthews: [ laughing ]

Bob Barr: Chris, to finish my earlier point, there are plenty of natural ways to get energy. [ holds up photo ] This is the yellow-shafted flicker. There is only one of these left in the world. We should find it, clip its wings, and make it ride a little bicycle that powers a record player. We’ve had this technology for millions of years – I’ve seen it on “The Flintstones”.

Chris Matthews: Nice work, Barr! That’s exactly the kind of insane rant I expect from guests on “Hardball”! Joining us now, is former governor of New Jersey, Chairman of the Environmental Protection Agency, Christie Whitman!

Christie Whitman: Hello, nice to be here.

Chris Matthews: Ms. Whitman, you’ve been accused of simply following orders from your superiors!

Christie Whitman: Chris, I take offense at that – I am just a mouthpiece for the Bush/Cheney administration. [ holds finger to ear ] Check that? Yes. [ corrects herself ] I am not just a mouthpiece.. I have my.. [ holds finger to ear ] ..own opinions.. and.. am being allowed to express them.

Chris Matthews: Wake up, woman! You had more prestigious status when you were running Jersey! Bob Barr!

Bob Barr: Chris, what Ms. Whitman is being fed by Dick Cheney’s secretary is right. Now, we’re willing to meet Democrats halfway on alternative energy. For example, my research shows that you can get almost two millions BTUs of heat by burning down just one museum. I mean, think about it – they’re called “oil” paintings!

Chris Matthews: [ laughing hysterically ] Boy, that’s nuts! I want to thank my guests today – Bob Barr, final thoughts!

Bob Barr: Chris, the energy crisis is upon us, and no matter what you believe, I think there’s one solution we can all agree on – we have to blow up the Grand Canyon.

Chris Matthews: Barr, you’re my kind of loudmouth – I love you, you’re great! Christie Whitman!

Christie Whitman: Chris, as the Bush administration has stated all along.. [ holds finger to ear ] ..Radio 103 Top 40 Countdown..! I’m sorry.. is there a studio with better reception?

Chris Matthews: Good God! Get out of here, everyone, before she starts giving away tickets to the Supertramp concert! Paul Begala, you pathetic milquetoast, you burnt pumpkin of a man, any last words!

Paul Begala: Chris, I feel like I never got to..

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begala: .. voice my opinion..

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begala: .. on..

Chris Matthews: You’re done! Go home and tell Santa you want to be a dentist, you freaking elf! [ laughs hysterically ] Stick around, I’m gonna bring out Begala’s kids and shout at them! You’re watching “Hardball!”

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 12

00l: Sean Hayes / Shaggy

Goodnights

…..Sean Hayes

Sean Hayes: Thank you! I’ve had, probably, the most fun that I’ve had in my entire life this week! [ this news excites Molly Shannon beyond necessity ] Thanks to Shaggy, G.E. smith, T-Bone Wolk! [ laughs at the name ] Uh – my mom, Max, David and Jimmy. Uh – all my family and friends, I love you very much. Probably the msot talented cast I’ve ever worked with. [ the cast cheer themselves ] Thank you, thank you, thank you!

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Katherine Harris…..Ana Gasteyer
…..Charlie Sheen
…..Chris Kattan
Marta Mercado…..Maya Rudolph

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

Future First Lady Laura Bush will wear a red-scoop-neck embroidered Chantilly lace gown to next week’s Inaugural Ball. It will take three women 100 hours to complete the gown. Coincidentally, the three women are all former houseguests of Linda Chavez.

President Clinton will be moving out of the White House next week and when he does, he is expected to be the first president in history to not get his security deposit back.

It was announced this week that Ricky Martin will perform at the Lincoln Memorial as part of President Bush’s inauguration. Apparently, Mr. Bush’s first step in restoring the dignity of the presidency is having a soap star sing “She Bangs” at the foot of the Great Emancipation.

Jimmy Fallon: Well, unfortunately, Florida’s Secretary of State Katherine Harris’ fifteen minutes of fame are quite up. On Thursday, she was interviewed by Diane Sawyer on “20/20”, and yesterday she testified in front of the U.S. Commission on Civil Rights. Here now, with a special and hopefully final message from all of us, is Katherine Harris.

Katherine Harris: Thank you, Jimmy. I appreciate this opportunity. The past months have been a difficult and trying time for me. Particularly irksome have been the unwarranted and sexist criticism of my appearance, my make-up, my clothing. These attacks have forced me to tone down my make-up to such an extent, that I feel exposed and uncomfortable. Well, tonight, I would like to take a moment to respond to those who have criticized me. First off – Paul Begala, co-host of MSNBC’s “Equal Time”, who referred to me as “Cruella De Vil”. This guy looks like someone skinned Kermit the Frog. Then there’s Jay Leno. Good Lord! He needs a funhouse mirror to shave! And here’s Bill Maher. He actually agrees with me that attacking a person’s appearance is inappropriate. No wonder – look at him! His head looks like someone left an apple on a radiator!

Tina Fey: Okay, Katherine, that’s enough..

Katherine Harris: You know what, Tina? Joan Jett called. She wants her haircut back.

Tina Fey: Oh, that’s just mean.

Jimmy Fallon: No, no. That’s actually pretty cool! Keep going!

Katherine Harris: You know what, Jimmy? Cheech called..

Jimmy Fallon: No, no! Please, that’s enough! Katherine Harris, everybody! Cheech?

Tina Fey: Cheech Marin? You look like Pee-Wee Herman!

This week, for the first time, president Clinton publicly described the way he plans to accomplish peace in the middle East: Magic!

One of the stars of the original “Survivor”, the ex-Navy Seal and admitted homophobe Rudy, will be made into a 12 inch action figure. You pull its string and it says, “Don’t pull my string, fag!”

Scientists this week announced they have spliced the DNA of a jellyfish into a Rhesus monkey causing the monkey protein to glow green in the dark. Read all about it in this month’s New England Journal of Evil.

Tina Fey: This week, President Clinton rolled his farewell tour into New York City’s Madison Square Garden. Here with a review is our own Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Tina! It was awesome, what a show! First off, I got front row seats, everyone’s psyched.. they’re hitting their Whitewater beach balls around, everyone’s doing the Bent Penis Wave.. passing joints – nobody’s inhaling. The lights go out, lasers, smoke machines, spotlight, then.. Bam! Bill Clinton. He’s wearing the President suit, he’s does the thumb – he never does the thumb first off, so the place goes nuts! He opens up with “A Place Called Hope”, then launches into a 20-minute version of “I Did Not Have Sexual Relations”. Everyone goes wild! Then they do the Hillary part – you know, people start going to the bathroom. Second half: he’s got the sax, he does the instrumental version of the Impeachment. Everyone’s got their lighters out, people are throwing cigars. Then they retire the stained dress up in the rafters next to Willis Reed’s journal. Pandemonium! Three-and-a-half hours, Tina! Not since he toured with the Rolling Stones in ’92 has he ever been this good. I am totally going to see him closing night in D.C.

Earlier this week, Steve Geary, an English man who has been blind for two decades, threw a perfect game of darts – at least that’s what we’re telling him.

Tina Fey: According to published reports, Michael Douglas’ prenuptial agreement with Katherine Zeta-Jones features a $5 million penalty if she discovers the actor’s been unfaithful. In an interesting side note, the last person to pay that much for extracurricular sexual relations is this man.

Charlie Sheen: [ pops up behind desk ] Hi! [ exits ]

Tina Fey: Earlier this week, Prince Charles injured his shoulder after falling off his horse. Here now with a Terrible Re-enactment of that event, is our own Chris Kattan.

Chris Kattan: [ trotting on stick horse, trips and falls down ] Oh-oh-oh! My shoulder! [ stands up, bows, walks off ]

Tina Fey: That was really horrible!

Jimmy Fallon: Chris Kattan, everybody.

Earlier this week, M-TV shut down its programming to broadcast the names of hundreds of victims of hate crimes. This moving tribute was followed by Eminem’s “I’m Going to Kill You Bitch” weekend.

The Chinese pandas, T-ven T-ven and May Shang, made their official United States debut this week at the National Zoo in Washington. Zoo officials say the pandas are getting along well, although their relationship will really be put to the test in February when they spend a week on “Temptation Island”.

Tina Fey: Earlier this week, Linda Chavez withdrew as George W. Bush’s Labor Secretary nominee, amid reports that she housed an illegal immigrant named Marta Mercado. Although Chavez claims Mercado was a houseguest, Mercado did receive money and perform chores. Here now with her side of the story, is Marta Mercado.

Marta Mercado: Thank you, the Tina Fey, you are so kind to having me as your guest on the “Weekend Update!” So, you want, I will start with the floor, or do I scrub the desk first?

Tina Fey: Oh, no.. Marta, that’s not necessary.

Marta Mercado: What, what? But I am a guest. I brought my suitcase. [ places mop bucket on desk ] Would you like, I start with the big map? [ points to wall behind her ]

Tina Fey: Okay, in a second.. Now, you said you were not an employee of Ms. Chavez?

Marta Mercado: No. Ms. Tina Fey, we were framed. And she was such a good friend to me. She lended me the money, and she bought me these beautiful clothes.. not this sweater, but this.. [ removes sweater, revealing waitress outfit with name tag ] ..and she even put-a my name on it, so I always remembered my beautiful face!

Tina Fey: So, you lived as a guest in Linda Chavez’s house?

Marta Mercado: Jes.. well.. I live in the guest house, with the beautiful pool toys, and the paint cans, and, how do you say? What is the word? The car. I sleep next to the car.

Tina Fey: But did she know that you were in the country illegally?

Marta Mercado: Mmm.. [ thinking ] Jes. I think she may have.. because often she would say to me, “You filthy illegal, I take cream in my coffee!” So, maybe she knew this. But, jes, I think that no matter what it is, she would make a great Secretary of the Labor!

Tina Fey: She dropped out, Marta.

Marta Mercado: Yes. That’s probably for the best.

Tina Fey: Marta Mercado, everybody!

Jimmy Fallon: With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

The Culps

Principal…..Jerry Minor
Marty Culp…..Will Ferrell
Bobbi Mohan-Culp…..Ana Gasteyer

Principal: Martin Luther King said the best way for a person to change is through nonviolent means, and that’s why I choose not to hunt down and beat the person who wrote “crap nut” on the globe in my office! SO not funny! You’re so mistaken if you think that’s funny! Okay, and now, a treat from the music department.

[Marty and Bobbi Mohan-Culp enter]

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Test, test. [microphone gives off feedback] Test. Whoops. We got a real hot mic here.

Marty Culp: Check, check.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Got a real, real hot mic.

Marty Culp: Could we adjust the audio balance?

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Could we adjust the audio? And the treble, actually. And the –

Marty Culp: And the bass. All three.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Can we – can we adjust the treble and the bass? Nothing’s up to par today.

Marty Culp: Nothing. Well, good afternoon.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Yeah.

Marty Culp: What a special mandatory celebration of the life and work of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. I’m Mr. Marty Culp.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: And I’m Ms. Bobbi Mohan-Culp. And as you know, we do head up the music department here at Alta Dena. So, hello again.

Marty Culp: Seems like only yesterday when Bobbi and I were driving to Washington in our VW Bus to join thousands of people in their march against racial discrimination.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: It truly is a powerful memory. It really is. I think what I dug the most was the unity vibe. I was really grooving on with my brothers and sisters. It really was groovy.

Marty Culp: And what I think I dug the least was the 600 dollars we ended up paying in parking fines for mistakenly parking on the lawn of the Library of Congress. It really, really was a bummer.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Kind of tough. We blamed one another for not seeing the “No Parking” sign and really ripped into each other on the way home.

Marty Culp: Yeah.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: It would be the only time in our relationship that I openly mocked Marty for being prematurely bald.

Marty Culp: It’s true. I retaliated, however, with a list of names for my wife, including Stink Pits and Cottage Cheese Ass.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Yes. Yeah, it was tough.

Marty Culp: I’m not proud of it.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: No. We learned that day just how terrible it feels to be shamed for who you are on the outside.

Marty Culp: In the end, we were being just a couple of judgmental honkies, pretty much.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: We really were. Can we try to harness some of this rowdy energy? The diving and the jumping off the backs of chairs.

Marty Culp: Can we do that?

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: This is not a Limp Bisquick concert.

Marty Culp: No. No, it’s not. I’m Mr. Culp, not Fred Dilst up here. So knock off the marshing.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Okay, this is not the place… it’s not the place to be form a mush pit. It’s not the place.

Marty Culp: No marshing.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: So, so no marshing. No marshing.

Marty Culp: It’s a “No Moosh Pit Zone”. I think it’s time for everyone to be still for a moment and reflect on the past.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Yes, yes. You know, whether it be 1963 or 2001, the spirit of the Civil Rights Movement does live on right here.

Marty Culp: So sit down, sit in, and join our musical march straight to the top of mountain funk. 1, 2, 3, 4… [starts playing piano] Chuga-chuga…

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: [blows train whistle]

Marty Culp: Chuga-chuga…

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: [blows train whistle]

Marty Culp: Chuga-chuga…

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: [blows train whistle]

Marty Culp: “Come and ride the train!”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Come and ride it!”

Marty Culp: “Freedom!”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Come and ride it!”

Both: “Come and ride the train, come ride it!”

Marty Culp: Chuga-chuga…

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: [blows train whistle]

Marty Culp: Chuga-chuga!

[piano plays music to Sly and the Family Stone’s “Everyday People”]

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “I am everyday people!”

Marty Culp: “There is a blue one that can’t accept the green one,
for living with a fat one trying to be a skinny one…”

Both: “Different strokes for different folks,
and so on and so forth and Scooby Dooby Doo!”

[music changes to Wild Cherry’s “Play That Funky Music”]

Both: “And they were dancing and singing and moving to the grooving,
and just when it hit me somebody turned around and shouted…”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Play that funky music…”

Marty Culp: “White boy…”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Play that funky music…”

Marty Culp: “White…”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Play that funky music…”

Marty Culp: “White boy…”

Both: “Lay down the boogie and play that funky music ’til you die!”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “‘Til you die! Whoa, ’til you die!”

[music changes to DMX’s “Party Up”]

Both: “Y’all gonna make me lose my mind,
Up in here, up in here!
Y’all gonna make me go all out,
Up in here, up in here!
Y’all gonna make me act like a fool,
Up in here, up in here!
Y’all gonna make me lose my cool,
Up in here, up in here!”

[tempo slows down and goes into Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Goin’ On”]

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Ooooooh…”

Marty Culp: Hey, brother man. Hey, brother man, word out on the street is that it’s 2001 and we’re still not in a colorblind world.

Both: “Mother, mother,
There’s too many of you crying,
Oh, brother, brother, brother
There’s far too many of you dying…”

Marty Culp: “You know we’ve got to find a way…”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “To bring some lovin’ here today!
What’s goin’ on?”

Marty Culp: “What’s goin’ on?”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “What’s goin’ on?”

Marty Culp: “What’s goin’ on?”

Both: “What’s goin’ on?”

[music changes to Nine Days’ “Absolutely (Story of a Girl)”]

Both: “This is the story of Dr. King,
The cat who tried to do his own thing,
We’re reminded of him every year,
We absolutely love him
Bank holiday!”

[music changes to Creed’s “Higher”]

“Can you take me higher,
to a place where blind men see?
Can you take me higher,
to a place with golden streets?
He had a dream!”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Thank you, Dr. King.

Thanks to Mike S. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 12

00l: Sean Hayes / Shaggy

Last Show!

Mary Katherine Gallagher…..Molly Shannon

[ SNL Band plays “School’s Out”, Mary Katherine Gallagher stands atcenter stage with guitar ]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: “Schoo-oo-oo-ool’s out, for summer!”
[ smashes guitar ]
“Schoo-oo-oo-ool’s out, forever!”

[ throws microphone aside, pulls up her skirt, revealing her underwear ]

[ jumps into split ] Last show!

Submitted by: Tony Dumont

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 12

00l: Sean Hayes / Shaggy

Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

Brian Fellow…..Tracy Morgan
Kirsten Francis…..Ana Gasteyer
Pat Enstance…..Sean Hayes

[ A bunch of cartoonish cardboard-type animals parade across a blue and beige map of the world, followed by the title Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet as singers sing: ]

Singers [ voice-over ]:
He loves animals
And they love him back.
Inter-species friends
We ain’t kidding, mac!
Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!
Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!

[ Scene changes to a cartoon background of two palm trees, grass, a blue sky, and the sun. TRACY MORGAN, wearing a safari outfit, hat, and glasses, walks through this. A cartoon yellow kangaroo jumps past him and off screen. A disclaimer appears across the screen, which a voice-over reads: ]

Voice-Over: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. [ A purple animal appears from behind the palm tree on TRACY’s left, then slips back behind it. The disclaimer changes and the voice-over continues to read, as a blue antelope and a green monkey appear on TRACY’s right: ]

Voice-Over: He is simple an enthusiastic young man with a sixth-grade education and an abiding love for all God’s creatures. Share his loves, tonight on…

[ Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet sign reappears on screen, and a giraff appears in the background ]

Singers: Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!

[ CUT TO: A safari styled set, where TRACY is sitting in a chair. ]

Brian Fellow: Good evening, and welcome to ‘Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet’. I’m Brian Fellow. It’s fashion week here in New York City, so tonight we’re gonna meet some animals that people make clothes out of. I’m very excited, so let’s get going! Our first guest can be made into jackets or hats. Please welcome a bunny rabbit!

[ ANA GASTEYER walks in from stage right, holding a white rabbit. ANA has her hair tied back and is wearing a purple top and dark grey pants. We see more of the set, there is a large rhinosaurus in the background, and a small table and matching chair next to TRACY. ANA sits down. ]

Brian Fellow: And who are you?

Kirsten Francis: Uh, I’m Kirsten Francis, of PETA.

Brian Fellow: Welcome, Peta.

Kirsten Francis: No, I’m Kirsten, I’m with the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!

[ ANA looks at him like he’s insane ]

Kirsten Francis: Yeah, I know, I know.

Brian Fellow: So what’s going on with this bunny rabbit?

Kirsten Francis: Well, this is Orphius. Last year, he was liberated from a filthy, understaffed labratory- Brian Fellow: Labratory? Is he some kind of rabbit scientist or something?

Kirsten Francis: No. He was the subject of a sadistic testing regiment.

Brian Fellow: A rabbit taking a test? That’s crazy!

Kirsten Francis: You know what’s crazy? The way this society treats our companion animals. Animal testing and the wearing of fur are both symptomatic of humans’ total disregard for animals.

[ TRACY is looking off into the distance, obviously not paying attention. A thought bubble appears above his head. In it, a rabbit in glasses is writing a test ]

Kirsten Francis: We must accept that fur is murder. And absolutely, my-

Brian Fellow: Yes!

Kirsten Francis: Yes what?

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!

Kirsten Francis: I know, Mr. Fellow.

Brian Fellow: Now let’s get down to serious business. How does the Easter bunny know where everybody’s house is?

Kirsten Francis: You know what, this is not the forum I thought it was, I’m leaving.

[ ANA stands and exits ]

Brian Fellow: Good, go! And take that rabbit scientist with you, he’s not as smart as he thinks. [ looks in the camera ] Sorry. Our next guest has made it to coats and scarves. Please welcome a mink!

[ SEAN enters, followed by a man who puts a cage containing three minks on the table beside TRACY. SEAN is wearing a striped brown, white and beige shirt, with a beige vest, and khakis ]

Brian Fellow: And who are you?

Pat Enstance: Uh, I’m Pat Enstance from the Bronx Zoo.

Brian Fellow: And I’m Brian Fellow! Pat Enstance: [ confused ] Yeah, I know, and I’m Pat Enstance.

Brian Fellow: And I’m Brian Fellow!

Pat Enstance: Okay, uh, Brian, these are short haired mink, they are from the ferret family and were bred to reduce the desirability to furiers-

Brian Fellow: [ looking at the minks ] Could you tell him to stop winking at me?! This white one here.

Pat Enstance: I’m pretty sure he’s not winking at you, Brian.

Brian Fellow: Yeah, well, he’d better stop. Now, my producers tell me that minks are sneaky and clever, is that true?

Pat Enstance: Well, they are extremely intelligent, but sneaky implies a little something different, I think.

Brian Fellow: Well, he’s gonna be walking different if he don’t stop winking at me.

Pat Enstance: You know what, Brian, this animal doesn’t ‘wink’ and he’s not ‘sneaky’ either.

Brian Fellow: Well, is he smart?

Pat Enstance: Actually, he is. It has been proven that the mink has a good memory, and adept at problem solving-

Brian Fellow: Problem solving? That’s funny!

[ SEAN looks confused and a little nervous ]

Pat Enstance: I’m not sure if it’s ‘funny’, but the knowledge that a mink can retain is amazing, that’s why I feel it’s a travesty that these animals must be bred specifically…

[ SEAN’s voice fades out as once again, TRACY begins to daydream. A thought bubble appears above his head, containing the same rabbit doing the quiz ]

Rabbit: [ with CHRIS KATTAN’s voice, only higher ] I’m good at taking tests, but you aren’t, are you Brian Fellow? Remember what the teacher would say? You’re a dummy, Brian Fellow!

Brian Fellow: Hey!

Pat Enstance: What’s wrong?

Brian Fellow: That rabbit insulted me!

[ SEAN looks around ]

Pat Enstance: What rabbit?

Brian Fellow: Can you teach your mink to kill a rabbit?

Pat Enstance: [ very confused ] Are you talking to me still?

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow! That’s all the time we have for today on ‘Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet’. Join me next time when we gonna meet animals that can be wallets or shoes. I’m Brian Fellow!

[ theme music starts up again, with the title appearing on screen. In the background, SEAN looks around, confused, and TRACY edges away from the mink cage. ]

[ END ]

Submitted by: The Unofficial Jack & Karen Site

SNL Transcripts

FOX Promos

Island Man #1…..Jimmy Fallon
Island Man #2…..Jerry Minor
Island Man #3…..Charlie Sheen
Trailer Father…..Darrell Hammond
Trailer Mother…..Ana Gasteyer
Trailer Daughters…..Maya Rudolph, Rachel Dratch
Trailer Son…..Chris Kattan
Suspected Cannibals…..Horatio Sanz, Chris Parnell
Cannibal…..Will Ferrell

[ shows a lush tropical island ]

Announcer: Coming soon to FOX: Alone on a tropical island, Five lucky men, with ten available women. [ five guys on island are seen with ten women in bikinis, who service the men ]

Island Man #1: It’s a dream come true.

Announcer: Can they handle it? Ten beautiful women. And one of them has a venereal disease.

Island Man #1: This is gonna be awesome!

Announcer: Who will be the first to get it?

Island Man #3: [ confidently ] Believe me. I will get it.

Announcer: Welcome to “Herpes Island”, where venereal disease is the name of the game. “Herpes Island”. Catch it!

Also coming to FOX: [ shows family in trailer ] One family. Alone. In one trailer. For ten weeks.

Trailer Father: [ smoking a cigarette ] Ten weeks is a long time.

[ Trailer Mother is seen seducing son in bedroom ]

Announcer: Who will escape the incest in.. “Temptation Trailer”? [ the rest of family looks on, bored ] “Temptation Trailer”. Ten weeks is a long time.

On FOX, also: Keep an eye out for.. “The Cannibal”. [ some men are seen, locked in a cabin, as they look scared ] Eight men, locked in a cabin for one year with no food. Which one is.. “The Cannibal”?

[ Cannibal is seen chewing on some guy’s arm ]

Cannibal: [ sheepishly ] It’s me. [ continues chewing on arm ]

Announcer: [ embarrassed] Oh boy. That one’s got problems.

That’s three brand new shows to watch out for on FOX.

Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts