Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

Spartan Cheerleaders

Arianna … Cheri Oteri
Craig … Will Ferrel
Dawson … Robert Downey, Jr.

[Exterior shot of a suburban bowling alley called”Bowler City” – the parking lot is full. Dissolve tothe interior where a father and son have just returnedtheir shoes to the clerk. Arianna and Craig, twoupbeat high school kids who want nothing more than tobe cheerleaders, enter frantically, wearing theircheerleading uniforms (with SPARTAN in red lettersacross their chests) and carrying their gear. They sittogether on a bench in front of some bowling balls anda banner that advertises the EAST LAKE BOWLINGTOURNAMENT.]

Arianna: Craig, it’s the bowling team’s firstbig tournament of the season and we’re late!

Craig: Arianna, I can’t burn rubber on alearner’s permit. Especially in my dad’s DodgeDuster.

Arianna: Well, Sammy Hagar can’t drivefifty-five, he’s gotta go faster. Why can’t you?

Craig: Sammy Hagar got kicked out of VanHalen.

Arianna: You’re right. Safety first.

Craig: [looking toward the lanes] Oh! Dawson’sabout to pick up a spare.

Arianna: Oh, my God! They need us.

Craig: Let’s do it!

[They rise and go into a cheerleading routine:]

Both: Hey Skippy!
Your lane is made of peanut butter
‘Cause all of your balls are stuck in the gutter!
The Spartans show you how to bowl
Like Ike and Tina, we’ve got soul!
Bowling – Woo!
Bowling – Woo!
Bowling down the river
Doo doo doo doo doo doo!
Woo doo doo doo!
Woo doo doo doo!
Bowling down the river!
Stop spousal abuse!

[Applause. They sit back on the bench.]

Arianna: Craig, did you watch Party ofFive last night?

Craig: No, it conflicts with my Nick at NiteMork and Mindy reruns. Oh! I found a great pairof rainbow suspenders to wear to the Mork and Mindyfantasy convention.

Arianna: You know, some people say I look likePam Dawber.

Craig: Pam Dawber wishes. Nanu nanu. Uh oh.Alexis alert, lane seven.

[Arianna stands and converses with her off screenclassmate.]

Arianna: Hi, Alexis. What’s with the dirtylook? Yeah, these are your bowling shoes. No, I don’thave to take them off. Because you are not the boss ofme! [repeats several times, Craig stands up] Why don’tI buy you a Fresca so you can wash down your selfishpill? … I’m sorry, too. Call me!

[Craig and Arianna sit.]

Arianna: Dawson’s ball is spinning like aTasmanian devil!

Craig: He delivers a strike! We’re back in thegame.

[They rise and go into another cheerleading routine:]

Both: Yeee haw!
We got spirit in our britches, yes we do, yes we do.
We got spirit in our britches, yes we do, yes we do.
We got spirit in our britches
And it really, really itches.
We got spirit in our britches, yes we do.
Flame it, flame it
Funky jam it
Shake it, bake it
Country ham it!

Craig: The Spartans are cookin’!

Arianna: And I helped!

[They both sit.]

Craig: Arianna, you’ve got a piece oflint.

Arianna: Oh, could you get it for me?

[Craig pulls a white sock out of her collar.]

Craig: [horrified] Oh, my God! Oh, my–Arianna, you’re stuffing your sports bra! Why?

Arianna: [distressed] Craig, please don’t judgeme. It’s just that I’m hot for Dawson — but he’stotally hot for girls who are a C cup or more.

Craig: It’s what’s in here [points to herhead], not what’s out here. [points to her chest]What’s up here, [points to her head] not down there.[points to her chest]

Arianna: Oh God, Craig, I feel like theTitanic, I’ve sunk so low.

Craig: Hey, sock it to me.

Arianna: Aw, Craig.

[Arianna pulls out the other sock and hands it toCraig.]

Craig: Oh, Dawson.

Arianna: Dawson!

[Craig and Arianna rise to greet Dawson who enters inbowling attire.]

Dawson: What are you two doing here? Arianna,you look different. What’s wrong?

Craig: It’s not what’s wrong. It’s what’sright.

Arianna: Yeah, Dawson. My name’s Arianna, not”aureola.” Look here [points to her head], not here.[points to her chest] Here, [points to her head] nothere. [points to her chest]

Dawson: Uh huh. Hey, uh, why don’t you giveback that sweater to a girl who can fill itout?

Arianna: Craig!

Craig: You take that back! Take thatback!

[Craig and Arianna attack Dawson, grabbing him andbeating him up.]

Dawson: Take what back?

Craig: Hey, what’s an “aureola”?

Dawson: It’s a colored ring, sometimes calledthe vasicola postule.

Arianna: More commonly known as thenipple.

[Dawson starts to cry. Craig and Arianna stop roughinghim up.]

Craig: I’m sorry, Dawson. I guess I didn’trealize my own strength.

Dawson: Don’t worry, Craig. You punch like mylittle sister. I’m crying because I am ashamed ofmyself.

Arianna: What gives, Dawson?

Dawson: I do respect the female in all hersplendor, but my dad encourages me to be macho, achauvinist if you will. He’s on his third wife andhe’s very hairy.

Craig: [sympathetically] I’ve got backhair.

Dawson: I’d never tell my dad this but I evenwanted to be a Spartan cheerleader.

Arianna and Craig: [sadly] So did we.

Dawson: Arianna, I’m sorry for what I’ve said.You’ve got it going on, girl.

[Craig and Arianna exchange happy glances.]

Arianna: Hey! Who’s that Spartan respectingme?

Dawson: It’s me.

Craig: And me.

Arianna: Hey guys, check me out. Looks likeI’ve got a great pair of–

Craig and Dawson: Huh?!

Arianna: — friends.

Craig and Dawson: Ohhh.

Dawson: Oh, hey, I gotta run, you guys.

Arianna: Where you going, Dawson?

Dawson: I’m going to tell my dad to cancel myPenthouse subscription. From now on I’m going to startthinking from here, [points to his head] not here.[points to his crotch] Here, [points to his head] nothere. [points to his crotch, exits]

Arianna: Bye, Dawson!

Craig: Looks like Dawson bowled a perfectten.

Arianna: Hey, that reminds me of a joke. Knock,knock.

Craig: Who’s there?

Arianna: The perfect cheer!

[Craig starts up his boom box and we hear 95 South’s”Whoot, There It Is”]

Boom Box:
Excuse me sonny, do you know where I can find somebooty?!
Whoot, there it is (Yeah you say it)
Whoot, there it is (Yeah I like that)
Whoot, there it is (Yeah a little louder)
Whoot, there it is (Yeah come on)
Whoot, there it is (Come on, come on yeah)
Whoot, there it is (I like that come on)
Whoot, there it is (Yeah, baby baby)
Whoot, there it is (Come on)

[Craig and Arianna do a routine in which Craig feedssnacks to Arianna and then performs the HeimlichManeuver on her, causing the snacks to pop out of hermouth. They both dance off. Fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

Shopping At Home Network

Don West…..Will Ferrell
Eddie Lewis…..Chris Kattan
Ron…..Robert Downey, Jr.

[ open on Don and Eddie working the Shop At Home Network broadcast ]

Don West: Alright, we’re back here at Shop At Home Network! Don West here, with my partner Eddie Lewis.

Eddie Lewis: We’ve been selling things like crazy today! It has been a madhouse here at Shop At Home!

Don West: It certainly has! Hey, Ron! What have we got here next?!

Eddie Lewis: What we’ve got here, Ron?!

[ Ron enters ]

Ron: Well, folks.. if you are a Shaquille O’Neal fan.. and you are looking for the ultimate Shaquille O’Neal collectible, then you are looking at an incredible deal!

Eddie Lewis: Alright, let me get this straight! Now.. this is a.. Shaq.. Plaque! Is that right?

Ron: That is right!

Don West: Before we go on, I gotta ask you a question! You got a Shaq Plaque here.. with eight collectible cards, all mounted in mint condition – keep in mind, on the plaque!

Eddie Lewis: [ casually points to a Shaq poster on the wall ] Hold on a second here.. what is this over here..?

Don West: I don’t know what you’re doing there, Eddie..

Eddie Lewis: Is that a poster of.. Shaq?!

Ron: Oh yes, it is.

Don West: That’s not included, is it?!

Ron: It.. absolutely.. is!

Eddie Lewis: [ aghast at the thought ] Hold on!! He’s flying through the cloud!

Don West: [ freaking out at Ron’s audacity ] You can’t include that!!

Ron: I am including it!

Eddie Lewis: Now, this was never discussed!!

Don West: We’re giving away way too much here!!

Eddie Lewis: Hold on a second!! What’s the price on this?!

Ron: This is a $600 value.. I’m gonna sell it $99.95.

Eddie Lewis: What?!!

Don West: What?!!

Eddie Lewis: You can’t do that!!

Don West: Wait a second!! What you’re saying – the Shaq Plaque.. plus the poster!

Eddie Lewis: Yeah, hold on!! H-he’s flying through the air!! He is not on the court!!

Ron: I know! It’s crazy! The man can’t fly! It is Shaq! and it’s $99.95.

Don West: You can’t do this!!

Eddie Lewis: Get out of here!! Get him out of here!!

Don West: You get out!! [ Ron is shoved off the set ] This is a deal we did not want to happen!

Eddie Lewis: It’s too late! Folks! You got the number on your screen – 1-800-555-0123.. [ the phones begin to ring like crazy ] If you’re having trouble getting through on the phone, keep trying!!

Don West: We are so backed up with calls-

Eddie Lewis: Hold on a second.. wait a second.. [ touching the cards on the plaque ] You can’t remove these cards from the plaque, can you?

Don West: No, you can’t! There is no way!

Eddie Lewis: You can’t remove the cards..?

Don West: There is no way you can rmeove the cards..

Eddie Lewis: Hold on here.. uh.. [ casually removes one of the cards from the plaque ] I-I just took the card off the plaque.

Don West: [ outraged like a sonofabitch ] WHAT?!!

Eddie Lewis: Yeah.

Don West: WHAT?!!

Eddie Lewis: Yeah.

Don West: You mean you can take the Shaq cards off the Shaq Plaque if you want to?!!

Eddie Lewis: Yeah.. you can take the cards off..

Don West: This is TOO much!!

Eddie Lewis: [ nearly speechless ] The phones are ringing.. I can’t stop the phones!! The cards can ome off!

Don West: The poster’s STILL here, folks!

Eddie Lewis: Shaq’s still in the air, he’s flying over there!!

Don West: Ron, how many do we have left?!

[ Ron re-enters the set ]

Ron: You’re not gonna believe this.. we’ve got about four left.

Don West: GET OUT OF HERE!!

Eddie Lewis: GET OUT!!

Don West: GET OUT!!

[ Ron is shoved off the set ]

Eddie Lewis: The phones are ringing!!

Don West: I’m going out of my mind!!

Eddie Lewis: I think I’m gonna have a heart attack right here!!

Don West: Eddie, you’re not gonna believe this – Kirk Cameron just called.. and he even can’t get through!!

Eddie Lewis: Folks, we’re talking.. Kirk.. Cameron.. here! Kirk! I’m having a heart attack..!!

Don West: I’m going out of my MIND!!

Eddie Lewis: Tell you what – I’m gonna make this all easy on us! [ holds a gun to his head ] I’m gonna shoot myself in the head, because I cannot TAKE THIS MADNESS!!

Don West: Folks, this is no joke! That gun he’s holding – can we get a CLOSE-UP of this shot?!!

Eddie Lewis: Yeah! We’re gonna go to that view!

[ cut to close-up of Eddie pointing the gun to his head ]

Don West: This is from the “Dirty Harry” Collectible Series.. it does not fire, but he will find a way to make it work!

Eddie Lewis: Yeah! If Shaq can fly, I will kill myself WITH this replcia gun!! Which we’ll be selling later this half-hour! Now, Ronnie! How many plaques do have left?!!

Don West: We’ve got about three left.

Eddie Lewis: YOU GET OUTTA HERE!!

Don West: GET OUTTA HERE!!

Eddie Lewis: GET HIM OUT OF HERE!!

Don West: The phones are ringing, folks!

Eddie Lewis: Can you stop them by chance, so I don’t have to kill myself?!!

Don West: Hey, I’d hate to lose you, buddy, but I can’t do a thing..

Eddie Lewis: MY GOD!!

Don West: This poster’s still included!!

Eddie Lewis: He’s still flying through the air!!

[ Ron casually re-enters scene with soem news ]

Ron: Just sold the last Shaq Plaque.

[ phones stop ringing, as everything turns back to normal ]

Don West: And.. they’re gone.

Eddie Lewis: They’re gone. [ drops the gun ]

Don West: Okay.

Eddie Lewis: Moving on.. what do we have next, Ronnie?

Don West: What have we got, Ronnie? Whoa!

Ron: We’ve got a.. limited-edition.. “Star Wars” Collector Plates series, coming up!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

Robert Downey, Jr.’s Monologue

…..Robert Downey, Jr.

Robert Downey, Jr.: Thank you very much. Good evening. Wow, it’s great to be back here on “Saturday Night Live”. I was actually a cast member on the show ten years ago, and, in case you’re wondering why I’m hosting, well, actually, I’ve been invited back as part of their “Distinguished Alumni” series. Anyway, things are good with me.. you know, basically just been the same old same old. I did have a really interesting summer, though. In fact, I’ve brought some slides of what I did on my summer vacation. Would you like to see them?

Well, it wouldn’t be Summer without hosting a barbecue..

[ show picture of Robert at the grill with a cop ]

Yeah.. here’s me picking up a little prescription from my pharmacist..

[ show picture of Robert picking up package from grungy guy in front of a fence ]

..and here’s me and my personal trainer..

[ show picture of Robert being frisked by a cop afterwards ]

That guy works me hard, he really does. But it’s worth it when you take off your shirt at the beach, which is where I was going in this next picture..

[ show picture of Robert being arrested by two cops ]

Yeah, you know.. you go with your buddies in the car pool lane, it’s sweet. And here’s me at Disney Land..

[ show Robert posed with Mickey Mouse ]

This next one’s of me when I stayed at this terrific guest house in Malibu..

[ show picture of Robert sleeping in tiny baby bed ]

It’s actually two doors down from my own house. But, you know.. anyway..

[ show picture of car with the hood blown off ]

Whoops! how’d that get in there? That’s from Kelsey Grammar’s summer vacation.

And finally what would summer be without a hot summer romance?

[ show picture of Robert in jail cell with a fellow inmate ]

Well, that was my summer. I made some new friends, got to visit a lot of interesting places.. We’ve got a great show, Fiona Apple is here. So stick around. we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

Milsford Pure Spring Water

…..Tom Bodet

Tom Bodet V/O: Spring water the way it oughtta be – fresh and clear. Milsford Pure Spring Water. There’s no other bottled water with a history as rich as Milsford.

You see, it all started with the two towns of Milsford and Dunnbee.. and the creek that rna between ’em. Both towns lay claim to the creek and its pure spring goodness. But the simple folks of Dunbee came up with the idea to share the riches of the creek, and bottle the water so folks all around could enjoy it. The townsfolks of Milsford had another idea – to destroy Dunbee and kill all the kindly folks who lived there. And that’s just what they did. Armed with knives and bullwhips, they crossed the creek in the middle of the inght and took after the innocent people of Dunbee. It only takes an extra-special water to turn neighbor against neighbor. When they were finished, most of the town of Dunbee lay dead.. in the pure water of Milsford Springs. Then, they set their dogs to finish off the wounded. The screams of the gentle people of Dunbee being savagely eaten alive could be heard up and down the banks of Milsford Springs. Along toward eveinng, the surviving Dunbeeites were herded into work camps.

Hard to believe that was over 107.. days ago. You probably heard about it on the TV.

Milsford Pure Spring Water. A rich history that you can relive with every sip. Milsford. Not Dunbee.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

The Streets of L.A.

1st Cop … Norm MacDonald
2nd Cop … Robert Downey, Jr.

Announcer: The Streets of L.A. Tonight’s episode: “Teafor the Tillerman.”

[After a hokey opening montage parodying such 1970scop shows as “Starsky and Hutch” we dissolve to theinterior of an apartment. A bullet shoots through thelock on the door. Two plainclothes cops, with shaggyhair and shirts with wide lapels, bust into the room,guns drawn.]

1st Cop: Put your hands up!

2nd Cop: Somebody’s gonna get booked!

1st Cop: It’s Book-of-the-Month Club time!

[But the room is empty, the suspect having fled out anopen window.]

2nd Cop: He got away.

1st Cop: Well, I think he’ll be back.

2nd Cop: And why’s that?

1st Cop: He forgot something.

2nd Cop: Well, what is it?

1st Cop: Smack. [holds up a plastic bag] Man, can you imagine someone so messed up they need this crap to get through the day?

2nd Cop: No, I can’t. [takes the bag] People who playwith this junk make me sick. They’re the scum of theearth.

1st Cop: Yeah, they sure are.

2nd Cop: Anyone who would use this drug should berounded up and caged like an animal. It’s trash likethis that’s ruining this country.

1st Cop: Well, let’s get back to the station.

2nd Cop: I’m not done yet. If I could lock up everyjunkie in this great country of ours, I’d be thehappiest man on earth. Drug users are bad. Period.Don’t ever be sympathetic to them.

1st Cop: Okay, well, I won’t be.

2nd Cop: Even if they do put themselves into rehab andare honestly committed to quitting, you stillshouldn’t forgive them. And don’t buy into that”I-can’t-help-it-it’s-a-sickness” crap. Drugs arealways wrong. They are the worst thing on the face ofthe earth.

1st Cop: Hey, go easy, Wade. This kid probably had arough break in life. He comes from a poorneighborhood.

2nd Cop: No, I betcha he was a rich kid, hadeverything handed to him. You know what? It doesn’tmatter if the user is a plumber, a lawyer, or a hotshot actor who’s been nominated for an Academy Awardfor playing Charlie Chaplin.

1st Cop: What the hell are you talking about, Wade? Wenever busted nobody like that.

2nd Cop: Well, we should have. ‘Cause in my book, ifyou do drugs, you go to jail, and you stay there. Youdon’t go to a cushy rehab center and take a week offto fly to New York and host a comedy show.

1st Cop: Hey, uh, maybe you should lay down in the squad car.

2nd Cop: God, man, it really burns me. Just becausesome punk got a few good reviews for the movie LessThan Zero. That doesn’t mean he gets a free pass,not on my beat. Although I must say, it was a damngood film. Also, the films Only You and AirAmerica were extremely underrated.

1st Cop: Well, I’ll just see you back at the station.

2nd Cop: So, when it comes to drug dealers, I give noquarter. I don’t care if your name is Dick, Joe, orLobert Growney Lunior. You just don’t do drugs. Noexcuses. Even if, from what I hear, heroin makes theuser feel as if he’s laying on a marshmallow made ofsatin while God’s massaging his temples with gentlefingers and suddenly everything makes sense and allthe ugliness goes away.

1st Cop: Well, we really should get going.

2nd Cop: Sure, I’ll be right down. I’m just going totake this horribly addictive drug into the toilet andflush it down it.

1st Cop: Oh, no, no, no. We need to take it to the laband analyze it.

2nd Cop: No, you go down to the squad car. I’ll bedown in about an hour.

1st Cop: No, no, give me that. [takes the bag]

2nd Cop: What? Oh…

1st Cop: Come on, let’s roll.

2nd Cop: That’s right. We’ve got to go clean up the streets of L.A.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

Don King Press Conference

Don King…..Tim Meadows
Mike Tyson…..Tracy Morgan
…..Evander Holyfield

[ Establishment shot : Streets of Las Vegas ]

[ Location : Press Conference ]

[ Note : Don King wears a 1 meter high top ]

Don King : So you see, even in the fourth grade our hero knew that he would become the most respected, inspected, “erspected”, suspected, boxing promoter in the history of the galaxy… But enough about me…

Last week’s battle between Iron Mike Tyson and Evander Hollyfield was a titantic torment. If anyone could have predicted the magnitude of this magnificent marvel of pugilistic pomposity he would have become a rich man. With the smoke cleared, Evander was the commander, for the moment, but Iron Mike Tyson, the greatest champion in the history of athletic competition has a little something to say about that. So get on up here Mike! All right!

Mike Tyson : Thanks Don.. I just want to say to Evander Hollyfield, that you fought a great fight and the depth of what you hit me, was astoundingly ludicrous.

Don King : Mike, your words are elementally elegant, and elevatingly eloquent! But don’t you have a challenge for mister Hollyfield.

Mike Tyson : My only challenge, is to not start crying, when I think about his huge fist banging in into my head. You know what I’m sayin’ you know what I mean? Congratulations Evander, you’re truly a supreme fighter and again I wanna thank you for beating the living daylights out of me. Thank you.

Don King : Mike missed the words: “I’m like the tall grass from which the deadly cobra STRIKES!” Underneath that cowardly talk beats the heart of a tiger! Mike Tyson demands a rematch. Mike Tyson will have his revenge magnificent! Evander Hollyfield will be destroyed by the power of Mike Tyson. Only in America, Evander Hollyfield will be punished, pulverized, penalized, pureed… pureed!

[ Evander Hollyfield shows up. Crowd applause. Don King becomes nervous. ]

Don King : [ Continues ] Yeah.. yes yes he will be pureed that’s right we’re gonna have a big parade for the man of the hour. Right here, the man with the power. The Heavyweight Champion of the world, Evander “The Real Deal” Hollyfield!

[ Don King raises Hollyfield’s arm and take a step back ]

Don King : [Sings] We.. are the champions my friend!

[ Hollyfield’s resists and pulls his arm back ]

Don King : All right there, all right now…

Evander Hollyfield : One second Don, I just want to say that this fight and certain have been the highlight of my career.

Don King : That’s right! Alleluia!

Evander Hollyfield : Mike Tyson is a tough fighter.

Don King : TOUGH!

Evander Hollyfield : I have a seen a lot of guys fight Mike.

Don King : LOTTA GUYS!

Evander Hollyfield : And not being able to stand up to him.

Don King : Mmh Couldn’t do it! Mm-Mm!

Evander Hollyfield : Sometimes I don’t know I could do it

Don King : Buster Douglas did it!

Evander Hollyfield : But I just kept the faith.

Don King : You gotta keep the FAITH!

Evander Hollyfield : And I worked as hard as I could–

Don King : WORK!

Evander Hollyfield : And I gave in all my arm–

Don King : ONLY in America!

Evander Hollyfield : And in the end…

Don King : SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALEDOCIOUS!

Evander Hollyfield : [ Annoyed, Evander turns to Don King ] Let me just finish!

Don King : All right finish!

Evander Hollyfield : Could you be quiet just for a second?

Don King : Oh sure! I’m silent, go ahead there Evander.

Evander Hollyfield : So I worked, I worked hard, I gave it all that I had.

Don King : [ Starts singing quietly ] Nobody does it better….

Evander Hollyfield : And at the end… I was able to defeat—

Don King : Makes me feel sad for the rest…

Evander Hollyfield : … the man that many people thought I was unable to beat.

Don King : Nobody does it….

Evander Hollyfield : .. and I owe it all

Don King : Half this good as you…

Evander Hollyfield : [ Turning and chasing Don King ] Okay that’s it!

Don King : [ Fleeing ] Okay!

Submitted by: P-Y

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

Goodnights

…..Robert Downey, Jr.

Robert Downey, Jr.: I’d like to thank.. Fiona Apple! I would like to thank Bob Dole! I would like to thank the Heavyweight Championship of the World… Evander Holyfield! Thank you very much! I would like to thank the cast..!

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

Norm Meets Bob Dole

…..Lorne Michaels
…..Norm MacDonald
…..Bob Dole

[ Lorne Michaels barges into Norm MacDonald’s dressing room ]

Lorne Michaels: I see you’re still wearing the Bob Dole suit and the wig.

Norm MacDonald: Oh, yeah. I was.. you know..

Lorne Michaels: Look, Norm, we all understand how badly you wanted to play President Dole for the next four years. But he didn’t win. You’ve got to move on.

Norm MacDonald: [ speaking in his Bob Dole voice ] I am moving on! Norm MacDonald is moving on!

Lorne Michaels: Norm, I really want you to see someone.

Norm MacDonald: Oh, you mean, like a shrink, again?

Lorne Michaels: Not exactly. [ calling into the hall ] Senator?

[ Former Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole enters the dressing room ]

Bob Dole: Hi, Norm. Hi, Lorne.

Lorne Michaels: If you two kids need me, I’ll be down the hall.

Bob Dole: Okay, we’ll be right here.

[ Lorne exits the dressing room ]

Norm MacDonald: Well, how are you, Senator?

Bob Dole: [ laughing ] Norm, Bob Dole knows how much it meant for you play me on the show the next four years. And Bob Dole feels your pain.

Norm MacDonald: Well, you know, it hasn’t been easy. But, you know what it’s like, you just lost that Presidential election.

Bob Dole: Oh, now don’t worry about me, I’ve got something lined up.

Norm MacDonald: Oh, really?

Bob Dole: Oh, really. I’ve got a job answering phones down at the Red Cross. My wife pulled some strings.

Norm MacDonald: Wow, that’s great.

Bob Dole: Well, it’s not brain surgery, you know? [ demonstrating ] “Hello, Red Cross. How may Bob Dole direct your call?”

Norm MacDonald: Well, it sounds like a lot of fun.

Bob Dole: Well, it keeps me out of trouble. You know, trouble like running for president.

Norm MacDonald: Oh, really? So there’s no chance of you running for president again?

Bob Dole: No, I don’t think so.

Norm MacDonald: Oh, really? Because you know, it would be good for me. Kind of help keep you on the front pages, you know?

Bob Dole: Well, believe me, Norm, running for president doesn’t always keep you on the front pages, unless you, of course, take a dive off of a podium.

Norm MacDonald: Yeah, that did get a lot of coverage, didn’t it?

Bob Dole: Yeah, and thanks for noticing, here on “Saturday Night Live”. I appreciate it

Norm MacDonald: I don’t write a lot of this stuff!

Bob Dole: I don’t, either.

Norm MacDonald: But, you know, it’s kind of frustrating for me. I’ve got this great Bob Dole impression, but I’ve got nowhere to use it.

Bob Dole: Well, if it’s any consolation to you, Norm, the impression isn’t that great.

Norm MacDonald: I see since you’ve gotten into civilian life, you don’t pull any punches there, do you? Really? You don’t like my impression?

Bob Dole: No. You’re really doing an impression of Dan Aykroyd when he does an impression of me. You know it, I know it, and the American people know it.

Norm MacDonald: Aw, come on now, Senator, it’s a great impression. Listen to this: [ speaking in his Bob Dole voice ] “Come November 5th, a lot of people are going to be surprised by Bob Dole, because Bob Dole’s gonna win this election!“

Bob Dole: [ shaking head ] Doesn’t sound a thing like me. First of all, I don’t run around saying “Bob Dole does this” nd “Bob Dole does that.” That’s not something Bob Dole does. It’s not something Bob Dole has ever done, and it’s not something Bob Dole will ever do!

Norm MacDonald: Well, okay.. how about this? Listen to this: [ speaking in his Bob Dole voice ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night..!“

Bob Dole: [ interrupting ] No, no. You’re still not getting it. Now, listen carefully: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

Delicious Dish

Margaret Jo McCullen…..Ana Gasteyer
Teri Rialto…..Molly Shannon

[Establishment shot, Radio Station NPR ]

[Introduction music]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hello, I’m Margaret Jo McCullen.

Teri Rialto: And I’m Teri Rialto.

Margaret Jo McCullen: And you’re listening to…

Both: The Delicious Dish.. on National Public Radio.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now.. Teri… today we’re going to be talking about some really exciting things in the world of food.

Teri Rialto: Sure Margaret Joe.. Now, some of you have written to let us know, that you’d like some off-beat and adventurous approaches to food.

Margaret Jo McCullen: So buckle up, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

Teri Rialto: Sure is…[laughs]… gonna be bumpy… Now.. Our first dish is really gonna make your tail spin, we’re talking of course about..

Both: Corn chowder.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, Teri, I’m a real fan of Corn chowder.

Teri Rialto: Me too ..

Margaret Jo McCullen: Who isn’t… [laughs] and when I’m making this classic, I really like to stick to the basic.. that of course is: corn, cream, and spices… those will really add some extra hump.

Teri Rialto: And speaking of hump, we’ve really taken some liberties with this classic…

Margaret Jo McCullen: We sure have.

Teri Rialto: We have… I sometimes like, a more exotic chowder so sometime I add carrots.. then potatoes.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Oooooh potatoes [laughs].

Teri Rialto: Those will give it some kick, and some color.. and it’s also fun for your guests to look at.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Neat.. fun.. fun..

Teri Rialto: Yeah.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Fun ..

Teri Rialto: That’s a lot of fun.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah that’s really fun.

Teri Rialto: It’s a fun thing to do.. .

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah.

Teri Rialto: Good times.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Good times.

Teri Rialto: Good times.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Good times.

Teri Rialto: Yeah…[laughs] Hey look we’ve got a call..

Margaret Jo McCullen: Delicious Dish, you’re on the air.

Caller #1: Hi! I just wanna say that I think your show is terrific… you know I did making Corn Showder for years and I’ve never ever thought of putting carrots or potatoes in it.. where do you come up with these ideas?

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, we both keep dream journal….[laughs]

Caller #1: Can I ask you a question? Are you ever gonna do a show on “SALT”?

Teri Rialto: Sure, we’ve actually got a two part that’s coming up in December…

Margaret Jo McCullen: That will be great.

Caller #1: I’ll cancel my trip!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Good…

Both: Thanks for calling! Thanks for calling!

Margaret Jo McCullen: That was fun getting a call.

Teri Rialto: He sounded [laughs]… He sounded like a really nice person.

Margaret Jo McCullen: He sure did…. he’s neat…

Teri Rialto: yeah… he sounded like a nice man.

Margaret Jo McCullen: He sounded like lot of fun…

Teri Rialto: Yeah…

Margaret Jo McCullen: Good time, fun…

Teri Rialto: Yeah…

Margaret Jo McCullen: … Well, Our next dish, is really one of our unsung heroes of the breakfast table, he’s a familiar friend we really take for granted…

Both: The English Muffin!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, Teri, I know you’ve done a little homework on the history of our old friend, and I’m dying to hear all about it…

Teri Rialto: Well Margaret Joe, I did some research and I boy did I found out some startling facts…

Margaret Jo McCullen: I bet…

Teri Rialto: Did you know that the English Muffin was created by Sir Thomas Bassthak, and dates back to the year 1832 ?

Margaret Jo McCullen: Really I’ve could have sworn it was invented in the 1840s…

Teri Rialto: No, a lot of people think that, but it was actually 1832…

Margaret Jo McCullen: I’ll be darned.. I’ll be darned..

Teri Rialto: 1832…

Margaret Jo McCullen: Fascinating… interesting… interesting…

Teri Rialto: A fun thing that I like to try, it’s to top English Muffin with a little Tomato Sauce, add some Cheese and make—

Margaret Jo McCullen: HOP I think I see what’s coming here….

Teri Rialto: That’s right a MINI pizza..

Margaret Jo McCullen: Or what I like to call it :” Pizza for One”… Or you can also call it… [laughs] Or you can also call it… “a little small pizza”…[laughs]

Teri Rialto: That was funny…

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah.. that’s fun, it’s fun to name things.. [laughs] that’s a lot of fun…

Teri Rialto: I like coming up with names for things ’cause it’s fun.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah that sweet, that’s a fun.

Teri Rialto: It’s fun to do that.

Margaret Jo McCullen: That’s a fun thing to do..

Teri Rialto: Ho…

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hey we got another call!

Teri Rialto: Ho great! Delicious Dish you’re on the air.

Caller #2: Oh Hi! I’m Marianne from Tarzana, and when you were talking about unsung heroes of the breakfast table, I was about on the edge of my seat, eh, ’cause I was sure you were gonna say crab crackers!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hoooo.

Teri Rialto: That’s funny… That was our first runner-up.. [laughs]

Caller #2: Well at our house, what we like to do is fresh’em up and eat them,.. hem with milk.. like cereals!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hey you could have invented Golden Grahams! [laughs]

Teri Rialto: That was funny for you to say that.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Ho thanks!

Teri Rialto: That was funny

Margaret Jo McCullen: Thanks!

Caller #2: Well thanks so much I really love your show.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Sure.

Both: Thank you!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Neat!

Teri Rialto: She seemed like a like a fun.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah she really did, she seemed like a fun fun person.

Teri Rialto: Yeah.

Margaret Jo McCullen: That was neat neat neat fun!

Teri Rialto: It was a lot of fun.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah..

[Ending music starts]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Ho-ho Teri that’s all the time we have on our show today.

Teri Rialto: Okay be sure to tune in next week – we’ll meet a very special guest, Bob Phibowl who will be sharing some thrilling new secrets about..

Both: Yeast!

Margaret Jo McCullen: That was really fun for me I had a nice time!

[Fade out]

Submitted by: P-Y

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

The Cobras

Dan…..Darrell Hammond
Rob…..Robert Downey, Jr.
Gangleader…..Norm MacDonald
Johnny…..Chris Kattan
Big Jake…..Will Ferrell
Colin…..Colin Quinn
Mark…..Mark McKinney
Little Joe…..Cheri Oteri
Panthers Leader…..Tim Meadows

Dan: You cheated!

Rob: I did not!

Dan: Yes, you did!

Gangleader: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, knock it off! You’re both Cobras.

Dan: Yeah, we’re both Cobras. [ holds out hand for a shake ]

Rob: Yeah, we gotta stick together. [ stands up and sings ]

“You’re a Cobra, boy.
And don’t you forget it.
‘Cause when you’re in trouble,
You won’t have to sweat it.
You’re a Cobra, boy!”

[ sits back down ] Alright.. so, let’s see..

Gangleader: What the hell was that?

Rob: What was what?

Gangleader: You just sang.

Rob: Oh yeah, I did, didn’t I.

Johnny: Guys, the heat’s on.

Gangleader: What’s up, Johnny?

Johnny: The Panthers. They got Rocko, they messed him up real bad.

Gangleader: That’s it. We Cobras are gonna fight back. We’re gonna hit ’em with all we got.

Rob: [ jumps up and sings again ]

“We’re gonna hit ’em with all we got.
And as Cobras, we got a lot.”

Big Jake: [ sings also ]
“We’re fast and we’re strong we’re tough.
We’ll teach them the meaning of rough.”

Big Jake and Rob: [ singing ]
“‘Cause we’re the Cobras,
So you’d better look ou-ou-ou-ou-out!”

[ Gangleader looks at them inquisitively ]

Big Jake and Rob: What?

Gangleader: How do you come up with a song so fast?

Rob: I dunno, it just.. it just came to me.

Gangleader: It just came to you? What are you talking about? It was perfect! It looked like you rehearsed it!

Rob: Oh.. thank you!

Gangleader: Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. You go over there..

Big Jake: Hey hey hey! Did you really like it?

Gangleader: What?

Big Jake: The song.

Gangleader: “Did I really like it?” Yeah, yeah, I liked it. Hey,I like another song, too, you know? You know this one – it’s called “While You Were Singing, I Got Stabbed In The Head By A Puerto Rican.”

Big Jake: Do you know that one?

Rob: No..

Gangleader: Oh, shut up. Look, here’s the plan. Get over here, guys. Now, the Panthers hang around at the corner of 32nd and Main. They’re pretty juiced by midnight, and that’s when we strike. That’s when we strike..

All but Gangleader: [ singing and dancing ]
“That’s when we strike
We’re gonna hit ’em at night!”

Big Jake: “Oooooohhh!”

All but Gangleader: [ singing ]
“When the Cobras are gone, there won’t be a one left standing!”

Big Jake: “Oooooohhh!”

All but Gangleader:
So look out, Panthers! ‘Cause we’re the Cobras!

[ Gang starts doing “Cobra” hand motions ]

Gangleader: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell is this? [ imitates “Cobra” hand motion ] What are you doing?

Colin: We’re being Cobras.

Gangleader: Ah, that’s it! What is up with you guys?

Mark: What? He started singing, then he started singing, then he started singing, so I started singing. It happens.

Gangleader: No, it does not happen. This was clearly choreographed.

Dan: No. He was dancin’, and I saw what his legs were doin’, so I kinda copied it, like this..

[ All but Gangleader do ballet moves ]

Little Joe: Guys, guys..!

Gangleader: Don’t ask.

Little Joe: The Panthers! The Panthers are comin’ to get ya’! I saw them down the street!

Gangleader: Okay, now listen up! Here’s the plan. We’re going to ambush the Panthers, and here’s how we’re gonna do it. Johnny, go over there! Big Jake, you get over here! You two, stay behind me!

Little Joe: Ooh, what can I do?

Gangleader: What should you do? Beat it!

[ Little Joe spits, and runs away ]

Panthers Leader: [ enters, followed by his boys ] Well well well, what do we have here? Looks like a little Cobra out on his own! Hey, you don’t look so tough without your boys! Panthers, it’s time to stomp some Cobra!

Gangleader: Oh, yeah? Johnny!

[ Enters doing ballet moves ]

Gangleader: Oh no, that’s not good.. Okay.. Big Jake!

[ Also enters doing ballet moves ]

Gangleader: Oh God, this isn’t working out!

[ Everyone else but Gangleader starts snapping ]

Gangleader: Oh no..

[ Group starts doing “Cobra” hand motions ]

Gangleader: What the hell are you doing?

Colin: We’re being Cobras!

Panthers Leader: What are you doin’? You call that being a Cobra? Boys, show them what it means to be a Panther!

Panthers: Panthers! Meow!

Cobras: Cobras! Hissss!

Panthers: Panthers! Meow!

Cobras: Cobras! Hissss!

Panthers: Panthers! Meow!

Cobras: Cobras! Hissss!

Panthers: Panthers! Meow!

Gangleader: Oh forget it.. [ exits scene quietly ]

[ Panthers and Cobras start dancing together ]

Cobras: Cobras! Hissss!

Panthers: Panthers! Meow!

Submitted by: Michael Cauley

SNL Transcripts