Fernando’s Hideaway
Fernando…..Billy Crystal
Barry Manilow…..Bobby Fraraccio
Announcer: And now, “Fernando’s Hideaway”!
Fernando: Saludos, my friends. How are you, darlings? Itr is so lovely to be back, here in the Hideaway. And, as you know, my friends.. as you can see, the booth is empty, and I am very upset. I don’t feel marvelous. I look marvelous, but I don’t feel marvelous. Which is hokie-dokie for me, because, as you know, my credo is “It is better to look good than to feel good.” You know what I am saying, and you know who you are. Why do I feel so.. disconsole? Because, my friends, I had a scheduled guest to the Hideaway tonight.. and my special guest was supposed to be Mr. Barry Manilow. But, just a few hours ago, Mr. Manilow cancelled at the last minute. Of course, those of you who were looking forward to seeing him will be disappointed. And I guess he was tired – if you were writing all of the songs for all of the world to sing.. you would be one busy cabellero, if you know what I am saying! But, my friends, I promised you a Barry Manilow interview, and that’s what I’m going to deliver. Just a few minutes ago, one of our crew members has volunteered to play his part. So, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our special guest in the hideaway tonight.. Mr. Barry Manilow!
[ cameraman Bobby Fraraccio steps out, purportedly in the role of Barry Manilow ]They love you! I tell you this: they love you, they go nuts! You people! This is marvelous. Barry.. he’s excited.
Barry Manilow: It’s nice to see you again.
Fernando: It’s nice to see you, darling. Why don’t you swing in here. There you go. Table for eight? I kid you! I kid him because he’s a kidder! Barry.. I gotta tell you, first of all – you look mahvelous! He does! He does! Up close, he’s something different – the make-up, the.. you know, it’s just marvelous. Barry, I’ve got to tell you this, you know, we love you at home – and I mean love you. You, you’re a romantic guy – is he not? The woman go nuts! The security in this building – stop screaming, darling! I feel like Ed Sullivan, when the Bea-attles got here, you know what I am saying to you? Unbelievable! Barry.. we make out to your records. We do – it’s not Johnny Mathis any more, it’s you! You’re a very romantic guy. What is your definition of love?
Barry Manilow: It’s very hard to express. I try to say it in my music.
Fernando: In your music? And you do, and you say it beautifully. To me, love is.. saying, “I’m done – let’s get some Chinese food.” You know what I am saying to you? You’re absolutely marvelous, and I have never seen plaid in one place like this in my life! It’s unbelievable! A whole Madras convention is happening right here! now, let me ask you this, Barry: What is it like being a sex symbol? You know, I mean.. are you a prisoner in a castle of love?
Barry Manilow: It’s weird!
Fernando: I bet!
Barry Manilow: I’m tall..
Fernando: You are?
Barry Manilow: ..I have a big nose.. I have no tush at all. I’m just a schlep kid from Brooklyn.
Fernando: Well, we are glad you schlepped here today, I’ll tell you that. From Brooklyn, or whatever. Barry, you look mahvelous – absolutely mahvelous.. Before you go, I know you got to get over to Radio City – sing us a little song, just a little bit. They’re dying to hear. [ to audience ] Don’t you want to hear? [ audience applauds wildly ] Please, I would be so honored.
Barry Manilow: For you.
Fernando: For me!
Barry Manilow: [ singing ]“I write the songs that make the whole world sing
I wrote the songs of love and special things..”
Fernando: My friends.. [ Barry ocntinues to sing ] Keep going, Barry, I know! We love his man very much! We’ll see you next week on the Hideaway, when my guests will be Ed Ames and Black Sabbath. Remember, my friends. Saludos, it’s better to look good than to feel good.
[ fade ]