Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
Samuel L. Jackson: It is great to be here in New York hosting “Saturday Night Live”! In case you confused, no, I am not Laurence Fishburne, and I’m Morgan Freeman. I am Samuel L. Jackson, and I’m here to host the very first “SNL” of 1998! And since this is the very first show of the year, I thought instead of doing the usual monologue, I would just read you a list of my New Year’s resolutions! [ takes out card ] Now, I know you might find it shocking that someone as cool and together as myself has New Year’s rsolutions.. but.. believe it or not, there are things that even Samuel L. Jackson can improve upon. Forthwith – if I could have a little music, please..
At the top of my list: “Continue to kick ass”
And then I hope to “Be as bad as I know I can be”
Also, to “Really put it out there, and by it I mean Sammy’s mojo”
In addition, I plan to “Give it as good as I get it”
“Be all that and more”
and “Lose my shyness, vis a vis the rocket in my pocket”
Plus, I plan to “Work my voodoo on the lady fans”
“Take a thorn out of some cat’s paw.”
and “Build a shrine to my own bad ass”
Then, it’s time to “Give the demons what for”
“Spare the rod and spoil the face”
and “Continue to kick ass”
After which, I’ll “Show the bad men what it’s all about”
“Release a dove from a ghetto rooftop”
and “Cradle a newborn baby in the ruins of a church”
Finally, this year, I will “Stick it to all the suckas”
and I’m gonna “Show the man that I mean business”
..and I’m gonna “Take a computer class.”
We have a great show for you tonight! Ben Folds Five is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: You know how you go to your favorite bar, and your local bartender isn’t there? You ask, “Where’s Jeff?” “Jeff no longer works here, I’m Steve.” And you’re thinking, “Hey, who’s this idiot? I like Jeff.” But you still want your drink? And even though Steve doesn’t mix your drink the same way you’re used to, like Jeff, you still like the same bar, you don’t want to have to go to a different bar. And even Steve might feel kinda bad because Jeff trained him. Jeff showed him how to work the cash register, where the tonic was on the soda gun, who tips, who doesn’t….Well…I’m Steve. What can I get you? [cheers and applause]…Thank ah!…All right….Thank you.
On Thursday, Unabomber Ted Kaczynski tried to hang himself with his underpants, but the elastic broke. Kaczynski immediately sent a letter bomb to inspector number 12.
Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Previn were married in Venice on December 23rd. The couple wrote their own vows. Woody told Soon-Yi, “The heart wants what it wants,” while Soon-Yi promised, “Me love you long time.” [some applause]…There’s my Woody Allen movie. Uh…I needed two minutes, most of Woody Allen mov–
Bob Dylan and his son Jakob Dylan are both nominated for Grammys this year. Can you imagine growing up being Jakob Dylan? You’re out in the garage practicing with your band, your friends, you know? Your father comes out, “Hey, turn that noise down!” You’re like, “Dad, come on, you just don’t understand my music.” He’s like, “No, I do understand your music. I’m Bob Dylan. You stink. I said turn it down.”
In the February issue of Esquire magazine, O.J. Simpson said that, “If I had killed Nicole, it would have been because I loved her very much.”…And then he said, “And if I had killed Ron Goldman, it would have been because he accidentally witnessed me loving Nicole very much.”…Somebody should buy this guy a John Gray book, all right?
Kathie Lee Gifford defended the late Michael Kennedy this week, saying that the babysitter he slept with was actually 16, not 14. But you have to look at this from Kathie Lee’s perspective. She runs a sweatshop full of underaged labor, all right? At 16, you get your gold watch. To her, that’s old….You know? [applause and a few cheers] All right! Thank you. Thank alle!
Two Russian cosmonauts ventured into space for more than three hours to repair a broken lock on the Mir space station. Is that what it’s come to, folks? You need to lock your doors in outer space? All right?
Last week, President Clinton proposed sweeping changes to Medicare. He wants to lower the age of eligibility to 55 for people who have lost their jobs. The President, who will be 55 when his term ends, said, “It just seemed like the smart thing to do.”
Chicago scientist Richard Seed is ready to start cloning. The physicist plans to clone a human baby by the year 2000. Now, a lot of groups who want to ban cloning research altogether. Why? We’re almost clones now. These scientists are just finishing up what the Gap started. Trust me, we don’t want cloning. We don’t really – want to really know who we are. And more importantly, we don’t want to know what we really look like. We can’t handle it. If you saw your clone…walking down the street in a pair of white shorts from behind, you’d kill yourself….You know? You’d be like, “Who’s that fat pig?” “That’s your clone.” “Ohhh, that’s me?” You know? Hey, cloning is fine if you’re Einstein. But if you spend every Saturday night sitting on your front porch in a children’s wading pool reading a…biography of Lenny Dykstra while the neighborhood kids shoot paintballs at you…now, we don’t need another you. One of you is plenty, all right?
As we all know, Jerry Seinfeld is leaving his top-rated show, citing his desire to return to New York and do stand-up. In a related story, Tony Danza announced that he would be leaving his show, citing the fact that it was cancelled and all the furniture was taken out of his office. [some applause]
And now with a look back at 1997 is our good friend, Hall-of-Fame broadcaster Harry Caray.
[pan over to Harry]
Harry Caray: Hey everybody, Harry Caray here! Well, as you know, 1997 was quite a year! A lot of things happened: some good, some bad. Mother Teresa died. That wasn’t good. Unless you hated Mother Teresa. I, myself, was not a fan of hers, don’t ask why! We were like oil and water; we didn’t mix. In the world of sports, Mike Tyson bit a man’s ear off. I don’t know what all the hoopla was about. I’ve actually bit a man’s ear off on several occasions! And I’m not proud of it, but it helped me out of many a jam! In Scotland, they cloned a sheep, which a lot of people thought was fun….Hey, what if…hey!…Hey! If I was a scientist, you know what I would clone? Hot dogs!
Colin: [not surprised] Really?
Harry: Think of all the possibilities, Norm! [Colin starts laughing to himself] Imagine, a world with…[doesn’t realize that Colin is now the anchor] Hey, what’s going on? [some applause]…Imagine…hold on! Imagine a world, uh…of – with an endless supply of hot dogs! You could have a hot dog anytime you wanted!
Colin: Well, Harry, you can do that pretty much now.
Harry: They’d be so abundant, they’d become our currency! 20 hot dogs would equal roughly a nickel. Depending on the strength of the yen, I’m not quite sure, but…you know what, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s just keep praying that we can clone one of these hot dogs.
Colin: [sighs] All right, Harry. What else happened in ’97?
Harry: Hey, Norm! Did you gain weight?
Colin: Actually, Harry, I’m Colin.
Harry: Hey! If you were a hot dog…and you were starving, would you eat yourself?
Colin: What?
Harry: I know I would! First, I’d smother myself with brown mustard and relish. I’d be so delicious!…So would you?
Colin: I don’t know.
Harry: Don’t jerk me around, Norm! It’s a simple question! A baby could answer it! If you were a hot dog, and you were starving, would you eat yourself? [some applause and cheers]
Colin: [complying] I guess so.
Harry: Oh, you made a wise choice, my friend! If you had said no, I would have bitten your ear off! I would have come at you like a tornado made of arms and teeth. And – and fingernails.
Colin: So anything else happen in 1997?
Harry: No, I covered everything!
Colin: Harry Caray, everybody!
Harry: Cubs win! Cubs win!
Colin: I’m Colin Quinn, and that’s the story I’m going with. Thank you!
Gene…..Colin Quinn Dad…..Nathan Lane Guard…..Jim Breuer
[ open on Gene the ex-con playing Santa Claus in the mall, with a Kid sitting on his lap ]
Kid: I want a football. But most of all, I want a new bike.
Gene: A new bike? Whoa! Hey, your son has really expensive taste!
Dad: [ chuckles ] Yeah! Well..
Gene: Probably just like his old man, right?
Dad: [ chuckles a little more ] Right, right!
Gene: Only, instead of a bike, you’d probably want, like, a new car or something!
Dad: [ feigns laughter ] Exactly..!
Gene: Pretty son, adults will be sitting here on my lap: “What would you like, sir?” “How ’bout that new Buick Skylark?”
Dad: [ now starting to become aggravated ] Yeah, that would be funny.. Listen.. maybe you could pay a little more attention to the kids, I mean.. it’s the kids’ day, right?
Gene: Oh. Okay. I was just..
Dad: I mean.. the kids.. that’s what you’re here for..
Gene: Okay.
Dad: Thanks.
Gene: Now, Timmy, what kind of bike would you..? [ stops, chuckles uncomfortably and turns to Dad ] Excuse me. Don’t tell me what I’m here for, please?
Dad: No.. I just figured this was a holiday for the kids, and..
Gene: No, I understand that, sir – just do me a favor and don’t tell me what I’m here for!
Dad: Listen, I didn’t mean anything by it. Why don’t you relax?
Gene: Relax? [ stands up and closes in on Dad ]
Dad: [ nervous ] Uh.. Billy, you’d better go look at the bikes..
Gene: My man, you want me to be naughty or nice over here? What’s it goin’ down?
Dad: What is your problem?! I’m here with my kid, and I’m trying to enjoy the holiday!
Gene: Listen, man, you’re right..
Dad: Yeah!
Gene: The thing is, I just got out of jail, I’m trying to straighten out and make a good impression over here. It’s like my P.O. told me: “Gene, you’re crazy! You’re the craziest sonofabitch ever came through the system!”
Dad: It’s alright, it’s alright! You seem like a nice guy at heart..!
Gene: No, no, no. I feel bad, I wanna make it up to you. What do you say we go back to my room at the Y, listen to some Ronnie James Dio, and drink some apple wine?
Dad: What?!
Gene: Yeah, back at the Y I’ve got the Christmas issue of “Barely Legal”, they got naked elves, they got Santa giving it to broads under the tree..
Kid: Daddy? Who’s Ronnie James Dio?
Dad: Nobody, nobody, son! [ to Gene ] Listen! I don’t want my kid knowing who Ronnie James Dio is! I’m not even sure I know who she is! I just want him to sit on Santa’s lap and tell Santa what he wants, so we can get out of here!
Gene: I’m sorry. I’m a little spacey, you know what it is? I been selling a lot of blood lately. [ takes his seat ] Come on, son.. get up here and tell Santa what you want.
Kid: I want a happy Christmas for my family.
Gene: Yeah. The only family I had in the can was the Aryan Brotherhood. Every Christmas, we drank Pruno and passed around the joke book..
Guard: [ steps up ] Yes? Yes, what’s the problem, sir?
Dad: Travis Bickle here is telling prison stories to my son!
Gene: My man! This guy’s lying! His kid stole a bike!
Guard: Aw, Gene, this is the 56th complaint we’ve had in two days. Now, let’s go.. [ grabs Gene’s sleeve ]
Gene: Whoa, whoa! You wanna keep your hands to yourself, please?
Guard: Come on, Gene, you’re bothering the customers, it’s bad for business. Time to leave.
Gene: I understand. Just don’t touch me!
Guard: What’s up with you?
Gene: Nothing’s up with me! What’s down with you? What’s under with him? This kid wants a bike, she wants a dolly, and I want you to get outta my face before I smack you with a stocking full of D-cell batteries!
Dad: You guys should have a better screening process for hiring Santas! You can start with the urine test!
Gene: Sir! Where am I supposed to get work?! Are you gonna hire a man who just did twelve years for home invasion and murder?
Dad: No, of course not!
Gene: Well, see! That’s what I’m talking about! I can’t find a job!
Kid: Daddy? Is Santa going to jail?
Dad: No, son, no.. he’s not really Santa..
Kid: Daddy? Is there no Santa?
Gene: You see that, sir? Now you got a kid who thinks there’s no Santa! You happy?
Dad: Well, I’d rather have him beleive in no Santa, than a Santa who does twelve years for home invasion and murder!
Gene: Sir, yes, it’s true, I done time! But, when you think about it, what does Santa do every year but commit a form of home invasion? A very loving and generous home invasion, yes.. but still home invasion! And, as for murder, well.. well, I can’t think of any good reason to justify that.
Dad: You know, my kid used to love Santa! He saw that Tim Allen movie ten times!
Gene: Kid, I did time with Tim Allen! Let me tell ya something – he’s always been real people, Bro, but he ain’t no Santa Claus!
Guard: Alright, Gene, come on, let’s go.. [ pulls Gene away ]
Dad: Let’s go, son. There are other department stores..
Nathan Lane: My thanks to Metallica. Marianne Faithfull. The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders! My compadre, Ernie Sabella! This brilliant cast, the great writers, the great crew here, for making this a tremendeous week. Thanks to Lorne Michaels. Thank you all, you’ve been a great audience! Good night, everybody! Ha-ku-na Ma-ta-ta!
Marianne Faithfull performs “The Ballad of Lucy Jordan
…..Marianne Faithfull
[ dissolve from the Sister Wendy Beckett’s Art Odyssey film ]
Marianne Faithfull: “The morning sun touched lightly on The eyes of Lucy Jordan In a white suburban bedroom in a white suburban town.”
[ dissolve to commercial, as the studio audience hears more of the song: ]
“As she lay there ‘neath the covers Dreaming of a thousand lovers Till the world turned to orange And the room went spinning ’round.
At the age of 37 She realized she’d never ride Through Paris in a sports car With the warm wind in her hair So she let the phone keep ringing As she sat there, softly singing Little nursery rhymes she’d memorized In her daddy’s easy chair.
Her husband is off to work And the kids are off to school And there were, oh, so many ways For her to spend the day She could clean the house for hours Or rearrange the flowers Or run naked through the shady streets Screaming all the way!
At the age of 37 She realized –“
[ dissolve on a Nathan Lane bumper, as SNL returns from commercial. Marianne Faithfull and the SNL Band promptly pot down. ]
“– she’d never ride.”
[ the rest of the song: ]
“Through Paris in a sports car With the warm wind in her hair So she let the phone keep ringing As she sat there, softly singing Little nursery rhymes she’d memorized In her daddy’s easy chair.
The evening sun touched gently on The eyes of Lucy Jordan On the roof top, where she climbed When all the laughter grew too loud And she bowed and curtsied to the man Who reached and offered her his hand And he led her down to the long white car That waited past the crowd.
At the age of 37 She knew she’d found forever As she rolled along through Paris With the warm wind in her hair.”
Dennis DeYoung: [ singing at piano ] “I know you think these are the worst of times I do believe it’s true.”
Hi. I’m Dennis DeYoung, lead singer of the rock group Styx. And that was our smash hit, “The Best of Times”, a song that turned a respected art-rock quintent into an easy-listening laughingstock. You can hear that and other career-destroying hits on an amazing collection called “Songs That Ruined Everything”. You’ll get dozens of songs which singnalled the beginning of the end for many formerly cool artists. Including:
[ show image of Steve Miller over music sample ]
“Abracadabra”, by the Steve Miller Band..
[ show image of Bruce Springsteen over music sample ]
..”Dancing In The Dark”, by the Boss – Bruce Springsteen..
[ show image of Rod Stewart over music sample ]
..and “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?” by Rod Stewart.
I’m sure we all remember the moment we lost respect for one of our favorite artists. Now you can relive that moment again and again. Imagine it’s 1986, and you’re eagerly awaiting the new album by the world’s greatest rock-and-roll band.. and they give you this: [ sound clip plays ] “Harlem Shuffle”, by the Rolling Stones. You’ll also get:
[ show image of Yes over music sample ]
“Owner Of A Lonely Heart”, by Yes.
[ show image of Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson over music sample ]
..”Say, Say, Say”, by Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney. Hey! This one ruined two reputations!
[ show image of Van Halen over music sample ]
And, of course, “Jump”, by Van Halen.
And if you act now, we’ll include a bonus album: “Songs That Made ItImpossible For Even The Most Ardent Fan Not To Realize Something WasSeriously Wrong.” We’re talking about songs that pounded the final nailinto the coffin of artistic legitimacy. Such as:
[ show image of Jefferson Starship over music sample ]
“We Built This City”, by Jefferson Starship..
[ show image of Genesis over music sample ]
..”Invisible Touch”, by Genesis..
[ show image of Billy Joel over music sample ]
..”We Didn’t Start The Fire”, by Billy Joel..
[ show image of Styx over music sample ]
..and Styx’s own “Mr. Roboto”.
Each of these songs reminds us that even our best and brightest can enter a heart-breaking creative freefall, from which there’s no escape! So, “domo arigato”!
[ continues singing ]
“I’m sailing away-ay-ay..”
Announcer: Send $19.95 to: Dennis DeYoung Enterprises 2250 E. Madison Street, Chicago, Illinois
Chris “Champagne” Garnett….Tim Meadows Larry Unhower….Nathan Lane Black lover slow dancing….Tracy Morgan
[Opens with a black couple slow dancing in a room lit with candles listening to mellow r&b music over the radio]
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: [suave mellow voice over the radio] That’s right. Wrap your hands around your sweet lady and whisper secret words in her ears cause is that time where gentle caresses turns into sweet lovemaking. [cut to Chris on his radio booth, headphones, dark sunglasses] I’m your Deejay Chris “Champagne” Garnett and you’re listening to “The Quiet Storm.” [pushes button, thunder rumbling sound effect] Right now we got some “Keith Sweat” coming at ya’. Because it is time to sweat between the sheets. Smooth love skin against smooth lover skin. Passionate groans filling the air. Moist, hot. And also by the way, its the third day of Hanukkah. Yeah, so make sure you light another candle and then get down, here on “The Quiet Storm.” [pushes button, thunder rumbling sound effect] And while you hold your lover in a passionate embrace of gentle kisses and sweet promises, whisper in her ear that Patterson Construction is offering 30 % discount onbrick face and stucco. Yeah, brick face, stucco, Hanukkah and sweet lovemaking. Here on “The Quiet Storm.” [pushes button, thunder rumbling sound effect]
[A man is seen behind Chris looking for something on a shelf]
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Yeah, well, well…looks like Larry Unhower, the host of our mid-day easy-listening program “Afternoon Delight” has just stepped into the booth.
Larry Unhower: Hello Chris. Don’t mind me. I’m just looking for my Anne Murray boxset.
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: I think I threw that out, man.
Larry Unhower: Oh, that’s quite all right. Hey, I just had a wacky idea. Maybe I’ll join you for a few tunes. It’ll be fun![sits, puts on headphones]
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Well, that is certainly a wacky idea but I don’t think that’s really necessary…
Larry Unhower: This is Larry Unhower joining Chris “Champagne” Garnett on “The Quiet Storm.” [pushes button, thunder rumbling sound effect]
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: You touch that button again and I’m gonna go Latrell Sprewell on your ass.
Larry Unhower: Oh, take it easy, Chris. And speaking of easy lets hear some “Air Supply” now. “Im all out of love”.
[Air Supply song plays, Larry sways to the song] “Im all out of love, I’m so lost without you…”
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Let’s not.[turns it off] Instead lets listen to some “D’Angelo”, yeah. [D’Angelo plays] This song goes out to Chanika and G-Dog. G-Dog says he loves you, Chanika. And he wants to get it on even though you’re pregnant with Antwone’s baby. Here on “The Quiet Storm”. [pushes button, thunder rumbling sound effect]
Larry Unhower: Well, that’s about enough of that![skips record]
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: What the hell are you doing, man?
Larry Unhower: I just wanted to introduce your listeners to a better class of music. Ladies and gentlemen, “Amy Grant”.
[Amy grant song plays, Larry snaps his fingers to the song] Amy Grant: “Baby, baby….”
Larry Unhower: This song goes out to Glen and Karen. Glen says he cares about you, Karen. And apologizes for the remarks he made about the matching sweaters here on “Afternoon Delight” [pushes button, birds chirping sound effect]
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Listen bitch! I will beat your ass so badly you’ll be howling in pain and it won’t be easy listening. Now here’s “Keith Sweat”, his newest groove “I need your loving”.
[ Chris pushes button and a folk song plays] “Sunshine on my shoulde-e-e-ers….”
Larry Unhower: I took the liberty of re-programming some of the musical selections.
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Yeah? Well, I took the liberty of purchasing a knife. [pulls out a monster switchblade]
Larry Unhower: What are you doing? Are you crazy?
[cut to the two black lovers slow dancing, Chris and Larry’s fight is heard over the radio]
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: No one screws with my show!! You hear me?! Oh, so you have a gun, huh? Tough guy?!
Larry Unhower: That’s right! Only one of us is leaving here alive tonight!!
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Then bring it on!!!
[Couple keeps slow dancing, over the radio we hear furniture crashing and glass breaking and the violent scuffle]
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Oh! Uff! Got to get my “Peaches and Herb” CD!!
Larry Unhower: Oh!, ah! Never, never! Must play “James Taylor”!!
[3 gunshots. Bang! Bang! Bang!]
[cut back into the radio booth, Chris holds a gun in his hand, Larry is shot in the head, blood on the temple, flat on his face on the console]
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Yeah, this is Chris “Champagne” Garnett. We got some “Peaches and Herb” comin’ at ya’! Also “The Quiet Storm” will be on tomorrow afternoon because I just shot Larry Unhower in the head. Yeah, so grab your lover, hold her tight, because this is “The Quiet Storm”. [pushes button, thunder rumbling sound effect]
[Larry’s hand moves trying to change the record and Chris pushes his hand away. Chris sways to the music.]
[ Cheers and applause as we dissolve to NormMacDonald, in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thank you, that isvery kind of you. Thanks, I’m Norm MacDonald, now thefake news. Our top story tonight:
This week, Attorney General Janet Reno announced shewill not name an independent counsel to investigatecampaign fundraising by the president. At a pressconference, she said, quote, “The decision was mine. It was based on the facts, on the law, not pressure,not politics, not any other factor.” She was then ledaway at gunpoint by the First Lady and nine Chineseguys.
Meanwhile, President Clinton was in Akron, Ohio thisweek presiding at a town meeting about race relationsin America. The President chose Akron as the site ofthe meeting partly because it is the home of theComing Together Project, an organized effort to endracism, and partly because it is the home of SusanRosenberg, an old classmate from Oxford the Presidentstill has sex with. [ Photo of unattractive woman.]
The trial of Unabomber suspect Ted Kacynzski,underway. His lawyers are making arrangements now tomove their client’s 10 by 12-foot shack into thecourtroom. After the trial, the cabin will becarefully repacked and moved to Hollywood where itwill serve as home to actor Mickey Rourke.
Well, a sad story from Britain this week. According tothe Earl of Spencer, several intruders have recentlybroken into his family estate in search of souvenirsfrom Princess Diana’s grave. But the Earl says heknows just how to protect the site. Landmines![ applause ]
This week in the former Soviet Union, an Americanengineer for a San Diego-based company was arrestedand charged with spying for the United States. Russianauthorities say he was caught attempting to smuggleout their secret formula for alcoholism anddespair.
A new study has found that Americans are in the bestof health, and the worst of health, with lifespansthat can differ by as much as forty years from oneU.S. locality to another. The longest lifespans arefound in Sterns County, Minnesota, while the shortestlifespans are found in Drunkdriverville, New Jersey. [Photo of sign that reads “Welcome To Drunkdrivingvillepop. 33,000” ]
In January, production will begin on the seventhseason of MTV’s “The Real World.” The seven youngpeople appearing in the series will representdifferent backgrounds, ages, religions and sexualorientations. However, this year, they will share onetrait in common — I will hate them. [ applause]
In Maryland, Bell Atlantic plans to offer a servicethat would allow customers to learn the address of anylisted telephone number in the state. Critics say theservice would be an invasion of privacy, whileproponents of the plan say it will help them invadepeople’s privacy.
On “Tom Snyder” this week, actor Tony Danza said hethought the recent open display of affection bylesbian couple Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche in frontof President Clinton was “extremely disrespectful.” On hearing the comment, President Clinton responded,”Someone should tell Tony Danza to shut the hell up!”[applause]
Playing in a music store in New York this week, KennyG set a world record by holding a saxophone note forforty-five minutes. While he did warn spectators thatit would be quite boring, it should be noted, that itis every bit as boring to hear Kenny G playdifferent saxophone notes – for forty-fiveminutes.
Norm MacDonald: Well, earlier this week, folks,police made a gruesome discovery in the closet of aBronx apartment — the body of an elderly woman. Thewoman had been dead for some time, and her corpse had,in fact, been mummified. Here with more on this case,is the policeman who discovered the body, Officer LouCostello. [ applause for a nervous, chubby uniformedpoliceman with his cap askew ] Now, Officer Costello,why don’t you tell the folks here whathappened?
Officer Lou Costello: Well… [ starts to pant,wheeze and gasp ]
Norm MacDonald: Okay, now listen! Now listen!Pull – pull – pull yourself together! These – thesepeople don’t want to hear that nonsense! They– [cheers and applause ] This is ridiculous. Completelyridiculous! These people have no reason to hear this. They want to hear about the mummified corpse.
Officer Lou Costello: [ pants and gasps further]
Norm MacDonald: Now, don’t be ridiculous! Now,listen, listen, let me put it this way.. you’re anofficer of the law, aren’t you?
Officer Lou Costello: Of course.
Norm MacDonald: And, you must have written areport, a police report.
Officer Lou Costello: Why, certainly..
Norm MacDonald: Well, then why don’t you tellthe people what you wrote in the policereport?
Officer Lou Costello: Well, my partner Chickand I went into the apartment, and I smelledsomething. I – I smelled it and it was comin’ from thebedroom. So, I went in there, and I opened thecloset, and inside there was a.. [ pants, wheezes,gasps ] ..a muh-muh-muh.. a mummy! Norm MacDonald: What are you talking about? Your mother was in the closet? What was she doingthere?
Officer Lou Costello: Not my mummy. Amuh-muh-muh… [ pants and wheezes ]
Norm MacDonald: All right, come on now! [ slapshim hard in the face ] Pull yourself together! You’rean officer of the law, for God’s sake! What are yougetting so excited for?
Officer Lou Costello: I’m a-scared!
Norm MacDonald: Ahhh… well, this isridiculous! All right, forget this! We’re gettingnowhere.
Norm MacDonald: Let me ask you this. [ someapplause for the ad-lib; Norm, highly amused, mustpause to gather himself ]
Officer Lou Costello: [ ad-libs ] You know -you know, that’s why Bud and I broke up, he hit himtoo hard.
Norm MacDonald: [ laughs ] Now, let me ask youthis, now, finally, Officer Costello.
Officer Lou Costello: Yes?
Norm MacDonald: Now, the 70th Precinct, that’syour precinct, the precinct you work in – it hasrecently been accused of brutalizing suspects, andthen maintaining a police code of silence. Now, now,let me ask you this, Officer Costello: were youinvolved in this?
Officer Lou Costello: I’m a badboy!
Norm MacDonald: Oh, Lord. Officer LouCostello, everyone. That’s ridiculous! [ to Lou ]That’s ridiculous! [ Officer Lou starts beating Normwith his police cap as Norm breaks character] Andthat’s the news, folks! [ Norm cracks up and recoilsas Lou beats him ] What are you doing?!? [ Applause. Music. Title card. Fade. ]
