Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
Probably the earliest flyswatters were
nothing more than some sort of striking surface
attached to the end of a long stick.
Author: Don Roy King
Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
Michael Fay Caning
Michael Fay Caning
Warden…..Rob Schneider
Michael Fay…..Emilio Estevez
Caner…..Kevin Nealon
Doctor…..Phil Hartman
[ open on wide shot of Singapore skyline over body of water, with SUPER: “Singapore, April 16th, 1994” ]
[ dissolve to interior, prison room, a pair of guards tying Michael Fay’s wrists to a tall torture device, Fay’s pants pulled down to his ankles ]
Warden: [ reading, in a thick Oriental accent ] Michael Fay. For the crime of vandalizing cars and buses, the nation of Singapore has sentenced you-ou to six strokes of the cane. The sentence will be carried out.. now-ow.
[ a snappily-dressed American, in tan coat and tie, enters the room ]
Caner: Hello, Michael My name’s Jeff Gardner.
Michael Fay: Thank God! Are you from the State Department?
Caner: No, I’m the caner. I’m the one who’s gonna be caning you.
Michael Fay: But you’re am American.
Caner: Yep! Born and raised. [ walks to the wall, removes his jacket and hangs it up, then reaches for a cane among a rack filled with canes ]
Michael Fay: So, what are you doing here?
Caner: Well, I’ll tell ya — [ holds up his chosen cane and looks through the hollow of it ] You know, I always wanted to be a caner, but there’s, uh.. there’s not much call for caners back in the States, so, hey! You gotta go where the work is, you know? But, I’ll tell ya – Singapore is, uh.. is pretty nice, you know? How’s your visit been here so far?
Michael Fay: Okay. Not great.
Caner: Yeah. You know, you gotta give it a chance, it’ll grow on you – it’s clean, a great climate, and, virtually, no crime.
Michael Fay: So I understand.
Caner: Yeah. you know why there’s no crime? The caning!
Michael Fay: Yeah.
Caner: Although, actually, you know, caning is pretty barbaric, when you think about it.
Michael Fay: Yeah, I agree.
Caner: But, you know, they don’t pay me to think. They pay me to cane people. [ raises cane in the air for soem practice swings ] So, now, you’re a student, huh? What grade you in?
Michael Fay: Actually, I’m in college. I’m taking some courses over at the — [ screams as the Caner raises his cane into the air ]
Caner: No, no, no. Please, finish up.
Michael Fay: Well.. I’m, uh, uh.. I’m taking a bunch of language courses at the University of Singapore.
Caner: Ah! Th-that’s a good school! [ takes the first swift cane to Fay’s ass ]
Michael Fay: Oof!
Caner: Now.. are you living on campus over there? I heard they got some really nice dorms.
Michael Fay: [ gasps ]
Caner: You play tennis?
Michael Fay: Yeah, uh.. a little.
Caner: Me, too. Hey, we should play together sometime. You know, I’m getting a little tired of playing with these, you know? [ takes the second swift cane to Fay’s ass ] You know what I’m saying?
Michael Fay: Oof!
Caner: [ whispers ] You know, Mike? I think we better to get a doctor over here. [ looks offscreen to the doctor ] Hey, you want to have a look at this? [ the Oriental doctor steps forward ] What have I got here, Doc?
Doctor: [ in heavy Oriental accent ] Uh.. it looks like a blister. Probably from the caning.
Caner: Ah. Ah, thanks. [ doctor exits ] Like I need a doctor to tell me that, huh? [ takes the third swift cane to Fay’s ass ]
Michael Fay: Agh!
Caner: Funny story about that doctor! I was caning this guy, right? And he passes out, I think it was because of the incredible pain, you know? So, uh.. I keep caning him, you know, which you’re really not supposed to do! The doctor shows up, tells me the guy is dead! [ laughing ] Can you believe that! I was caning a dead guy! Is that crazy, or what?!
Michael Fay: [ not amused ] Yeah.
Caner: Hey, you know something? You’ve got a pretty nice-looking can there?
Michael Fay: [ disturbed ] What?!
Caner: Oh, I’m not one of those guys or anything, you know? It’s just that, I see a lot of them, that’s all. [ takes the fourth swift cane to Fay’s ass ] Hey, uh.. I’m losing track here. How many was that?
Michael Fay: [ smiles ] I think that’s all of them.
Caner: Nice try! I was just kidding! you got two more!
[ the phone rings, answered by the Warden. The Caner and Michael Fay look on with interest, as the Warden steps forward ]
Warden: It’s the Chief Justice of Singapore.
Michael Fay: Oh, thank God!
Caner: Oh, doesn’t he know I’m in the middle of a caning here?
Warden: He say very important.
Caner: Oh, that’s weird. You know, the Chief Justice only calls when there’s a pardon. What do you suppose he wants? [ takes the fifth swift cane to Fay’s ass ]
Michael Fay: Oof! Please! Maybe it’s a pardon!
Caner: Relax, buddy, you gotta save your strength, okay? You’ve got one more. [ takes the sixth and final swift cane to Fay’s ass ]
Michael Fay: Oof! Please! Just ask what he wants!
Caner: All right. [ to Warden ] What does he want?
Warden: [ listens into the phone ] Mr. Fay. I have some good news, and bad news.
Michael Fay: What’s the good news?
Warden: You have been pardoned!
Michael Fay: Thanks. What’s the bad news?
Warden: [ glumly ] Well.. “Live, from New York.. it’s Saturday Night.”
Geek, Dweeb, or Spazz
Geek, Dweeb, or Spazz
Sean Denny…..Mike Myers
Billy Westman…..Rob Schneider
Serena Williams…..Ellen Cleghorne
Mark Hirschfeld…..Adam Sandler
Eric Thompson…..Tim Meadows
Stevie Sisken…..David Spade
Doreen Farvin…..Melanie Hutsell
Nick Russell…..Emilio Estevez
[open on electric sign: “Geek Dweeb or Spazz”]
Announcer: It’s time for your favorite high school game show, “Geek, Dweeb, or Spazz.” [shot widens to show studio] Now meet your host, the coolest senior at Park Ridge High School, Sean Denny!
Sean: Hello, and welcome to “Geek, Dweeb, or Spazz,” where the most popular kids at school ask questions of our loser guests to determine who is a geek, dweeb, or spazz. [chuckles] Okay, now let’s meet our cool panelists. [walks over to panelsists’ podiums] Billy Westman. Billy, you’re the captain of the Scarsdale High School lacross team, and you sit at the best table in the lunch room.
Billy: Sean, wherever I sit is the best table.
Sean: [chuckles] Okay. And to your left is Serena Williams. Serena, you’re copied by every white girl in your school who wants to walk, talk, and dress just like you. Also, you’re dating a college guy.
Serena: That’s right, Sean. High school guys are so immature.
Sean: [chuckles] Yeah. Yeah, right. And, finally, Mark Hirschfeld. It says here, your uncle is the accountant for Aerosmith.
Mark: Yeah. Steven Tyler sang at my bar mitzvah.
Sean: All right, that’s great. All right, panelists, are you ready to play “Geek, Dweeb, or Spazz?”
[the panel agrees unenthusiastically]
Sean: Okay, all right then. Let’s please welcome our first guest, Eric Thompson.
[Eric enters, wearing a black “SeaQuest DSV” shirt, thick glasses, and slacks]
Announcer: Eric is a dweeb. [flashing title: “DWEEB”]
Sean: Okay, all right. Billy. Billy, you’re up first.
Billy: Okay, Eric. Describe your perfect Friday night.
Eric: My perfect Friday night? Well, I could head to the mall and catch a movie. PG, of course. Or I could stay at home and play “Tetris” with my parents.
[Billy rings in]
Sean: Billy.
Billy: He’s a geek!
[buzzer sounds]
Sean: Sorry, sorry, sorry, that’s not it. Mark, your turn to ask a question.
Mark: Okay, Eric, what would you say if I asked you to borrow your dad’s car to go to a party.
Eric: Will there be drinking at said party?
[Mark rings in]
Mark: Sean, I got this one. This guy’s a dweeb.
[dinging sound]
Sean: Nice call, Mark. Nice call. Better luck next time, Eric.
Eric: [waves] I’ll see you guys later. [exits]
Sean: Yeah, right. Okay. All right, let’s now welcome our second guest, Stevie Sisken.
[Stevie enters, with unkempt hair and wearing a powder blue t-shirt with “Ghostbusters” logo]
Announcer: Stevie is a spazz. [flashing title: “SPAZZ”]
Sean: Serena, your question.
Serena: Thanks, Sean. Stevie, let’s say as a goof, right, I agreed to go out with you. What would we do on our date?
Stevie: Oh! That would be sweet! You could go out with me and my cousin to the school soccer game. Then we could all pile in my Sirocco, and then we’ll get some pizza, and then we could slide on my Slip ‘N Slide all night. It’s gonna be sweet!
[Mark rings in]
Mark: Sean, I got it. He’s a homo?
[buzzer sounds]
Sean: No, I’m sorry Mark. “Homo” is not one of the categories.
[Billy rings in]
Sean: Billy!
Billy: Sean, he acts like a geek, but I gotta go with my gut. He’s a spazz!
[dinging sound]
Sean: Good eye, Billy! Good eye!
Stevie: Hey, Serena! Pick you up at seven! It’s gonna be sweet!
Serena: Sure, Stevie. I’ll meet you in front of the Robert Taylor Housing Project. Building C. I may be a few hours late, so wait for me.
Sean: And make sure you wear that shirt. [chuckles]
Stevie: Yes, sir. Sweet! [exits]
Sean: Okay, all right. Okay, now let’s meet our third geek, dweeb, or spazz, Doreen Farvin.
[Doreen enters, dressed in a fast food uniform with paper hat]
Announcer: Doreen is a geeky-dweeb. [flashing title: “GEEKY-DWEEB”]
Doreen: Hi guys. [waves]
[Serena rings in]
Sean: Serena!
Serena: [laughing] Doreen is a geeky dweeb!
[dinging sound]
Sean: That’s right! That’s right!
Doreen: Can I say hello to my best friend Shirley Vega, please?
Sean: Hmmm…let me think. No! [chuckles]
[Doreen exits in a huff]
Sean: Okay. All right, now it’s time for our final round where everyone at home can play along. Our last guest just transferred to my high school from a school in Hayward, California. Please welcome Nick Russell!
[Nick enters, wearing a leather jacket and jeans, and drinking beer]
Sean: Whoah! Well, okay, all right. Billy.
Billy: Do you play any sports?
Nick: No.
Billy: Why? ‘Cause your mommy won’t let you, or do you just suck.
Nick: No, I busted my leg in a motorcycle accident, trying to get away from the state police.
Billy: [staring dumbfoundedly] Wow.
Sean: Mark, your question.
Mark: Okay. Let’s say I tell you to do my homework, or I’ll beat the living crap out of you. Do you a) do my homework, b) get the crap beat out of you, or c) do my homework and get the crap beat out of you?
Nick: The answer is d) I would kick your ass for asking me, and then I’d go to your house and beat up your old man.
Mark: [quietly] No more questions.
Nick: What did you say to me?!
Mark: [with quivering voice] Nothing! I said, “No more questions.” I swear to God, just leave me alone.
Sean: Okay, all right. Well. Serena, your question.
Serena: [timidly] Uh, um… Would you go out with me, Nick?
Nick: [scoffs] Maybe as a goof.
Sean: Anybody? Anybody? Seems like our panelists are stumped. [Nick smiles smugly] Maybe this yearbook picture from Nick’s old high school back in California will help. [Nick looks around nervously] Let’s take a look.
[dissolve to photograph of Nick, dressed as a stereotypical geek, with thick glasses and a vest, holding either a comic book or an RPG guidbook, with title: “Dungeons And Dragons Club]
Nick: Where’d you get that?! No, no, please!
[dissolve to studio]
Sean: Yes, that’s right. At his last high school, Nick was the treasurer of the Dungeons and Dragons club.
[Serena rings in]
Sean: Serena!
Serena: Oh! He’s a royal geek.
[dinging sound]
Sean: Royal geek is correct! [flashing title: “ROYAL GEEK”] Serena, we also would have accepted “total geek” or “your highness, king of the geeks.”
Nick: Thanks a lot. Now I’m gonna have to change schools again! [runs off]
Sean: Serena, you’re our winner!
Serena: [runs out from behind podium onto studio floor] Oh! So, what did I win?
Sean: Well, Serena, for one weekend you will have unlimited use of my stepdad’s cellular phone. Perfect for crank calls all over the world!
Serena: For real?!
Sean: Absolutely. I don’t care, ’cause I hate him. [chuckles] Okay, all right. This is Sean Denny. See you next time on “Geek, Dweeb, or Spazz!”
Thanks to DavidK93 for this transcript!
Goodnights
Goodnights
…..Alec Baldwin
…..Kim Basinger
Alec Baldwin: I want to thank UB40! [ everyone applauds UB40 ] And I want to thank my brothers, and my wife Kim! Good night, everybody!
Kim Basinger: [ to the audience ] I love you! I love you!
Alec Baldwin & Kim Basinger’s Monologue
Alec Baldwin & Kim Basinger’s Monologue
…..Alec Baldwin
…..Kim Basinger
Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen.. Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger!
Alec Baldwin: Thank you very much, thank you! Thank you! Ity’s a thrill to be hosting “Saturday Night Live.”
Kim Basinger: Especially this weekend.
Alec Baldwin: Because, as I’m sure a lot of you already know, Kim and I are newlyweds.
[ audience applauds ]
Kim Basinger: And this will be our first Valentine’s together as husband and wife!
Alec Baldwin: [ shyly ] Honey? don’t be embarrassed, but.. uh.. I love you.
Kim Basinger: I love you, too.
[ they kiss ]
Kim Basinger: But, you know, Alec.. I love you so much. I don’t want to keep anything from you.
Alec Baldwin: [ a little nervous ] Okay.
Kim Basinger: That’s why I have a confession to make: I have no respect for you as an actor. [ a beat ] Do you hate me now?
Alec Baldwin: Hate you? Hate you? Why.. the fact that you could be so honest and forthright with me on national television makes me love you more than ever!
Kim Basinger: [ happily ] That’s such a relief!
Alec Baldwin: Darling, I have a confession of my own. Uh, recently, I took the liberty of drugging you and making a plaster cast of your naked body, and, uh.. selling it to an inflatable doll company. [ a beat ] You must really hate me now.
Kim Basinger: Hate you? Why, that’s.. the most flattering thing I ever heard!
Alec Baldwin: [ relieved ] You mean it!
Kim Basinger: Why, the fact that you thought enough of my body to share it with the entire porno industry! Why, I-I couldn’t love you more than I do right now! [ suddenly uneasy again ] Darling —
Alec Baldwin: Say it.
Kim Basinger: [ at last ] Until two weeks before our wedding.. I thought I was marrying your brother Billy.
Alec Baldwin: I see.
Kim Basinger: I was going to call it off, now.. but I was afraid I would look like a real idiot, so I just.. Do you hate me, darling?
Alec Baldwin: Hate you? [ chuckles ]
Kim Basinger: [ laughs nervously ]
Alec Baldwin: You know I love my brother Billy, and the fact that we share those feelings makes me love you twice as much as before!
Kim Basinger: [ squeals happily ] Wow!
Alec Baldwin: [ becomes serious ] Darling, I want to ask you something, but I’m worried that you’ll hate me.
Kim Basinger: Nothing you could say – nothing – would make me hate you.
Alec Baldwin: Alright. How do you pronounce your last name? Is it Bay-singer, or Bass-inger? [ Kim is silent ] You hate me for not knowing, don’t you?
Kim Basinger: The fact that you would explore every possible way of pronouncing my name.. that is the most romantic thing I have ever heard. And I do love you! [ wraps her arms around Alec and kisses him ]
Alec Baldwin: [ happily ] Oh, I love you! But, which is it?
Kim Basinger: Bay-singer.
Alec Baldwin: I love you, Kim Base-singer!
Kim Basinger: Bay-singer.
Alec Baldwin: Oh, right, right..
Kim Basinger: Darling?
Alec Baldwin: Yes?
Kim Basinger: This is very hard for me to say, so I’m .. I’m just gonna say it: I wanted to host the show alone.
Alec Baldwin: Uh-huh?
Kim Basinger: Because you’re not that funny.. and it makes me nervous to be around you. [ stunned, Alec silently looks at the floor ] Alec, you’re not saying anything? Are you thinking about how much you hate me?
Alec Baldwin: Kim, I am standing here trying to find the words to express how much more I love you than I did just ten seconds ago. I’m not sure why, but what you just said, about me not being that funny, and making you feel uncomfortable, makes me the happiest man alive!
Kim Basinger: [ touched immensely ] Oh.. darling! I love you so much!
Alec Baldwin: I love you!
[ they wrap their arms around one another for a loving kiss ]
Alec Baldwin: We’ve got a great show tonight! UB40 is here!
Kim Basinger: [ arms still wrapped around Alec ] Stick around! We’ll be right back!
Phillip the Hyper-Hypo
Phillip the Hyper-Hypo
Phillip…..Mike Myers
Robin…..Kim Basinger
[ open on a local playground, where Robin sits at the base of the jungle gym playing with her dolly, while Phillip, tied by a harness to the gym, climbs the upper bars and attempts to free himself of his restrainment. Unsuccessful, he decides to sit next to Robin and talk to her. ]
Phillip: Hi, Robin!
Robin: Hi, Phillip.
Phillip: Hi, Robin!!
Robin: Hi, Phillip.
Phillip: Hi, Robin!!!
Robin: [ angry ] I said hello already, Phillip! Hello, hello, hello, hello-o-o-o-o!!
Phillip: [ wiping his face ] Okay. I want the news, not the weather.Robin, will you be my Valentine?
Robin: I’m already someone else’s Valentine.
Phillip: Whose?
Robin: An older boy. He gave me chocolates.
Phillip: I don’t like older boys. One time, an older boy tried tomake me eat some poo! He told me it was a tootsie roll!
Robin: Gross.
Phillip: And another ti-i-ime, some older boy peed into asoda can and made me drink it. hey told me it was Mountain Dew.
Robin: Hey, you want a Hertz donut?
Phillip: I’m not supposed to have sugar, I’m hypoglycenic andhyperactive. I’m a hyper-hypo! That’s why I wear a harness. Becausewhen I have sugar, I become a menace to myself and others.
Robin: There’s no sugar in a Hertz donut.
Phillip: Well, okay.. give me a Hertz donut!
[ Robin punches Phillip in the arm ]
Robin: Hurts, don’t it? Get it! [ laughs ]
Phillip: That’s where I got my booster shot!
Robin: Hurts, don’t it? [ keeps laughing ]
Phillip: Whatever.. okay. I love you, you know. [ talks funny ] Ilove you, you know. I have a bubble in my throat. I had a lot of dairyproducts today. I have a bubble in my throat. [ sings ] “Ohhh.. thegirls got the buns, and the boys got the hot dogs! The girls got the buns,and the boys got the hot dogs!”
Together: “The girls got the buns, and the boys got the hot dogs!The girls got the buns, and the boys got the hot dogs!” [ they laugh ]
Phillip: When you hit me in the arm, it didn’t hurt you know.
Robin: Wow. You.. you’re strong.
Phillip: Thanks.
Robin: [ laughing ] That smell isn’t everything! [ laughs ]
Phillip: I’m running away from you. You’re making fun of me.[ runs out as far as he can, until the harness holds him back. After acouple of tries, he gives up and resumes sitting next to Robin. ] Okay,I’m staying.. I suppose.. You know, at the risk of sounding pathetic,I’ll ask you again: Will you be my Valentine?
Robin: Okay, Phillip. I’ll be your Valentine, if you wat some ofmy Valentine’s Day’s chocolate.
Phillip: I can’t eat chocolate. I’m not supposed to, on accountsugar makes me go mental.
Robin: [ starts eating some of the chocolate, staining her face ]Mmm.. this choclate is really, really good..
Phillip: You’re the devil!
Robin: If you love me, you’ll have some..
Phillip: No!
Robin: Try some.
Phillip: No!
Robin: Try some!
Phillip: No!
Robin: Try some!
Phillip: No!
Robin: Try some!
Phillip: Alright, alright! [ takes a piece of chocolate ]Well, one couldn’t hurt.. [ grabs the rest of the chocolates andscarfs them down ]
[ high on the sugar in the chocolates, Phillip again tries to run freefrom the playground, but is pulled back by the harness. Too hyper to stophimself, he uses his newfound strength to pry the jungle gym from theground, then runs across the playground dragging the jungle gym behindhim, until he makes his way to the highway ]
[ fade to black ]
Romantic Man
Romantic Man
Woman…..Julia Sweeney
Boyfriend…..Chris Farley
Romantic Man…..Alec Baldwin
Guy Young…..Mike Myers
Van Piedmont…..Phil Hartman
[ open on interior, elegant restaurant on Valentine’s night ]
Woman: [ happily ] Don’t you think that this is the perfect place for Valentine’s Day?
Boyfriend: [ more interested in the meal on his plate ] Yeah. The courses are kind of skimpy.
Woman: I’m just saying, this is a very romantic place to have dinner.
Boyfriend: Really? Good. [ takes a sip from his drink ]
Woman: Are you going to tell me that you don’t know what I’m talking about again? I mean, I’m kind of hoping that tonight will be a little different.. with the candlelight, and the ambience. I thought tonight you might even tell me that you love me.
Boyfriend: Hey, come on – we’ve been living together for five years. Who else would I love? [ eyes his woman’s plate ] Are you gonna eat that?
Woman: [ frustrated ] Oh, I give up!
[ a suave gentleman dressed in a tuxedo enters the scene ]
Romantic Man: [ speaking in a sexy French accent ] Excuse me. I believe what you need.. is a romantic leading man.
Woman: Oh, my God! How did you know? Yes! I do!
Romantic Man: Allow me to introduce myself. I am a romantic man. Ze romantic man you’ve seen in so many of ze old movies. Like Cary Grant.. Clark Gable.. Charles Boyer. Who always get ze leading lady, and zey stay in love forever! You see, I, a romantic man, can stay in love. For I love love.
Woman: [ squeals with delight ] Well, Romantic Man, how do you do!
Romantic Man: Very well. Cigarette? [ offers a cigarette ]
Woman: Oh! No, thank you. I don’t smoke.
Romantic Man: I can, however. Without fear of ze cancer. Because I am a romantic man. And who is your lucky companion? [ lights his cigarette ]
Woman: Oh, uh.. this is my boyfriend, Wally.
Romantic Man: Wally, old man – would you like a cigarette? [ offers a cigarette ]
Boyfriend: No. That’s okay.
Romantic Man: See? Don’t I look better with a cigarette? [ a beat ] Now.. you are probably wondering: what exactly is ze definition of a romantic man? Life for him is divided into two emotions: love.. and waiting to be loved.
Woman: You’re kidding. So, you’re not afraid of commitment?
Romantic Man: No. In fact.. right now, I am waiting to be loved.. by you.
Woman: [ squeals ] Ooh..
Romantic Man: Would you like to meet a couple of friends of mine, while I am waiting?
Woman: Well.. sure! [ chippers happily ]
[ Romantic Man steps to the back of the restaurant, and signals to two more romantic men off-screen down a hall ]
Boyfriend: Hold on, we don’t even know this guy!
Woman: Hey, I like him.
Boyfriend: [ mimicking ] “I like him.” Yeah, well — you know.
[ Romantic Man returns with his two friends, each dressed as he is in the old Hollywood style. Romantic Man stands between Van Piedmnot and Guy Young. ]
Romantic Man: Here are two more romantic men: Guy Young and Van Piedmont. Both big oil men, and tap dancers.
Guy Piedmont: [ leans in at table ] Hello. Cigarette? [ offers woman a cigarette ]
Woman: [ delighted ] No, thank you.
Van Piedmont: Charmed, I’m sure. [ picks up woman’s hand and kisses it ] Cigarette? [ offers cigarette to the boyfriend ]
Woman: Oh! You know, that’s a great expression from the old movies: “Charmed, I’m sure.” What does it mean, exactly?
Van Piedmont: I’m not sure!
[ all three romantic men share a hearty laugh ]
Guy Piedmont: May we sit down?
[ without waiting for an answer, the three romantic men suavely pull chairs away from other tables, and sit at the woman’s table in the same positions as when they were standing. The woman is equally charmed. ]
Woman: So.. where are you from?
Guy Piedmont: Texas, actually. Mighty pretty country. I’ve got quite a spread there – three-and-a-half million acres.
Romantic Man: I’ve got 65 million acres! But it can get lonely there, when you are a romantic man who loves love.
Boyfriend: [ accusingly ] Let me ask you something, pal! Any of you have real jobs, or just, uh.. this?
Romantic Man: A job?
[ the three romantic men share another hearty laugh ]
Romantic Man: Well, I’ve been a cat burglar, a master spy, a dancer, a rogue, a rascal, and a raconteur. But being a romantic man is its own full-time job. Let me tell you what I do, in zat kind of work.
[ piano and violin music pots up ]
[ the three romantic man stand and light cigarettes in one another’s mouthes with suave ease, as the lights dim ]
Romantic Man: [ singing ]
“I love you, ’cause I’m a romaaaaantic maaaaan.
I need you, ’cause I’m a romaaaaantic maaaaan.
You can’t find a man who feels for you more ga-ga
And too romantic for words, so la-la-la-la la la.”
[ Van Piedmont kneels in front of woman ]
Van Piedmont: “I’m handsome, ’cause I’m a romantic man.”
[ Guy Young grabs woman’s shoulders from behind ]
Guy Young: “I’m frantic, ’cause I’m romantic, too.”
[ all three romantic men stand in a line; Woman dances a twirl in front of them ]
Three Romantic Men: [ singing ]
“My mind is on location with my heart, it’s true
Yes, they are, both of them loving you-ou-ou!
Ro-man-tic maaaaaaaaaaan!!”
[ the three romantic men lean in to extinguish their cigarettes on the table, as the lights come up again ]
Romantic Man: [ to Woman ] So! Shall we go, my dear, and ditch zis loser?
Woman: Well.. what would life really be like? I mean.. if I’m with you, a romantic man, forever and ever?
Romantic Man: Well, I.. don’t really know how we would live. I have no idea. Ze movie always ends before zis part. [ turns to Van Piedmont ] Cigarette?
Van Piedmont: Thank you. [ takes a cigarette ]
Romantic Man: [ turns to Guy Young ] My friend?
Guy Young: Why, thank you. [ takes a cigarette ]
Boyfriend: Sweetheart? [ Woman turns her focus to him ] You don’t need this guy, because.. well, first of all, one guy kept touching me. And, second.. I love you.
Woman: [ happy at last ] Oh, Wally, I love you, too! [ kisses her boyfriend, then stands to break the news to the romantic men, who have already walked away from the table and disappeared ] I’m sorry, all of you, but — They’re gone.
Boyfriend: [ stands ] But, still.. you have your romantic man. Happy Valentine’s Day.
Woman: Thank you, honey.
[ they kiss again, then dance around the restaurant as the scene fades ]
Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon
Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon
…..Kevin Nealon
Ike Turner…..Tim Meadows
Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon.
The opening ceremonies for the 17th Olympic Games took place this morning in Lillehammer, Norway. Due to the current controversy, this marks the first time the Winter Olympics will be broadcast on Court TV.
The traditional Olympic torch was carried in on skis, and the crowd cheered until they realized the skier was actually trying to get away from Tonya Harding’s bodyguard.
On the international scene, preparing to leave Somilia, the U.S. Army will give the Somilia police 5,000 rifles, 5,000 pistols, 2.3 million rounds of ammunition, and 5,000 handcuffs and nightsticks. The weapons are government-surplus, impounded last week from New York City high schools.
And in national news, President Clinton told a group of GM auto workers in Louisiana this week that he once had an El Camino with astroturf in the back. Clinton went on to brag that, even though it was artificial grass, it was the first place he planted Flowers.
Among the cuts announced in President Clinton’s new budget proposal this week, is the student loan program. But, with four-year college tuition averaging $120,000 – for kids looking for that kind of money, they can still accuse Michael Jackson of molesting them.
In a related story, prosecutors in Santa Barbara say that if the grand jury decides to indict him, Jackson will be tried as an adult.
Well, this week marks the beginning of the Chinese New Year. People across the country celebrated, but some think Bob Packwood went a little far by wearing a lapel button saying, “Kiss me, I’m Chinese.”
In other news, there’s a movement to make Ronald Reagan’s birthday a national holiday. People would still have to go to work, but they could arrive late, make no decisions, and fall asleep before noon.
The Marine Corps Toys For Tots program came under fire this week, for fundraising mismanagement, resulting in many kids not receiving toys. As a results, kids will now be given firearms to trade under the new program, Guns For Toys For Tots.
Some sad news. Jack Kirby, the man responsible for creating superheroes for Marvel Comics, died this week. Funeral services will not be held, however, as they are planning to bring him back in a future issue.
This human interest item: According to a new compatibility study of married couples, only 25% of husbands kiss their wifw goodbye when they leave their house. However, 99% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.
Well, the Florida Citrus Commission named Rush Limbaugh their new spokesperson this week. Officials say Limbaugh was chosen for his popularity, sense of humor, and uncanny resemblance to a giant grapefruit.
And on the lighter side, thew Miss U.S.A. Pageant was held last night in South Padre Island, Texas. The winner was Miss South Carolina, who outshone all other contestants by becoming the only finalist able to correctly spell “Miss U.S.A.”
Kevin Nealon: Not always an easy thing to do.
Here now, with a special Valentine’s Day message, is Weekend Update correspondent Ike Turner. Ike, what have you got?
Ike Turner: Thank you, Kevin Nealon. Well, it’s Valentine’s Day, you dig? Yet, all anybody can talk about is Nancy Kerrigan, and who did or didn’t hit her. Well, I got one thing to say, baby: I didn’t touch her! I wasn’t even there! Everybody’s always trying to blame Ike! Ike never did nothing!
Kevin Nealon: Okay, Ike, how about back to Valentine’s Day, remember?
Ike Turner: Damn, Kevin Nealon. You riding me tonight, you know that? You want Valentine’s Day, I’ll give you Valentine’s Day! [ smacks Kevin with a box of chocolates ] There you go!
Kevin Nealon: Ike! Stop it!
Ike Turner: How about you eat a whole box of candy, Kevin, there you go, just take it! [ shoves chocolates into Kevin’s mouth ]
Kevin Nealon: Ow! Ow! Ike! Come on, that hurts!
Ike Turner: [ mellowing ] Oh, baby, I’m sorry! I didn’t want this to happen again! I mean, I’ll give you anything you want, baby, just.. anything you want..
Kevin Nealon: You know what I want, Ike? I want guys like you out of my life, alright? And take your candy with you! [ shoves candy away from desk, as Ike leaves in defeat ] Ike Turner, ladies and gentlemen.. In other news this week, President Clinton announced a —
Ike Turner: [ slinking back with presents ] Kevin Nealon.. be my Valentine!
Kevin Nealon: Ike, it was not meant to be.
Ike Turner: Come on, Kevin Nealon! Take it back, baby! I fixed the candy, look! [ holds up repaired box of chocolates ] Just give me a chance, I got a song for you, Kevin Nealon!
Kevin Nealon: Ike.. I don’t know.. it’s been a long time..
Ike Turner: [ pulls out his guitar ] Come on, baby! We can do it again! We can be the best! Ain’t nobody gonna stop us – Ike and Kevin Nealon! Come on, Kevin Nealon, you know the words! “Big wheel keep on turnin’..”
Kevin Nealon: Aw, I-I don’t know, Ike.. [ shakes his head, then quickly gives in ] “Proud Mary keep on burnin’..”
Ike Turner: That’s it, baby! “Rollin’..”
Kevin Nealon: “Rollin’..”
Together: “Rollin’ on the ri-ver..”
[ music picks up; Kevin jumps up to dance, revealed to be wearing red Tina Turner dress and shimmying his legs for the crowd ]
Kevin Nealon: “Left a good job in the city! Workin’ for the man every night and day! But I never saw the good side of the city, when I hitched a ride on the riverboat queen!”
Together: “Big wheel keep on turnin’! Proud Mary keep on burnin’! Rollin’.. rollin’.. rollin’ on the ri-verrrr.”
[ they hug ]
Ike Turner: Happy Valentine’s Day, baby!
Kevin Nealon: Ike Turner, ladies and gentlemen. [ pats over his heart ] You people in the front row got a little something extra tonight. [ winks ]
This Valentine’s tip for you married guys looking for something different: why not bring home a sexy red silk dress? And if your wife likes it, give her one, too.
In a long-awaited action, police in Los Angeles today officially drew a chalk outline around Erik Estrada’s career.
This week, the northeast was hit by a record snowfall, and nation of Islam leader, Louis Farrakhan, blamed the storm on the Jews.
This week marked the 30th anniversary of The Beatles’ first appearance on “The Ed Sullivan Show”. In case you’re too young to remember 1964: TV was in black and white, records came out on 45s, and Keith Richards had his original blood.
And, finally, the New Hampshire legislature debated this week on whether to put the state motto “Live Free or Die” or “Scenic New Hampshire” on their license plates. In a related story, New York is considering changing its license plate from “The Empire State” to “Pull Over, and Get The Hell Out of My Way, You Dumb Sonofabitch!”
Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.
SNL Transcripts: Martin Lawrence: 02/19/93
Air Date:
Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
February 19th, 1994
Martin Lawrence
Crash Test Dummies
None
Lawrence comments on pilly-packer mutilation and women who don’t clean their asses.
(Repeat) See: 10/23/93.
Recurring Characters: Stuart Smalley.
Recurring Characters: Matt Foley.
Recurring Characters: Joe Jackson, Ike Turner.
Goodnights
Goodnights
…..Martin Lawrence
Martin Lawrence: Yo! I want to thank my musical guest, Crash Test Dummies. And I want to thank the cast, crew, and, most of all, you, the people, for supporting us, the show, me, myself. I love you! Good niiiiiight!