Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
[ Cicely Tyson stands along, clapping, as Garrett Morris steps up to hug her and the rest of the cast appears ]
Cicely Tyson: It’s been a wonderful, wonderful week for me! I’ve had an absolute ball! Good night!
[ the credits roll ]
Announcer: Next Saturday night, our host will be Rick Nelson, with musical guest Judy Collins. This is your old valentine, Don Pardo, saying “Good night.”
[FADE to the stage door as it opens to reveal Garrett Morris wearing an all-white dress with a sequinned shawl over his head and a brown purse slung over his left shoulder. He almost trips on his high heels while dismounting the steps, but manages a careful walk to home base as the audience cheers in approval and the band plays behind him. He grins broadly as the theme dies away.]
Garrett as Cicely: [mimicking a womans voice] Thank you! [laughter and applause] Now… thank you! Thank you! You know, as an award-winning black actress, I get to hear a lot of hilarious anecdotes, you know. So when the Saturday Night Live, uh, staff called me to do the show, naturally, I said to myself, I said, Cicely… [laughter] I said… I said, What a…
[Crowd roars with approval as Cicely Tyson walks up from the front row to join Garrett onstage. They stand side by side as the audience cheers for a long moment.]
Cicely: EXCUSE me, Garrett, but would you MIND telling me WHAT you are doing?
Garrett: Hey, I, I dont believe it. Uhhh… youre really here.
Cicely: Of COURSE Im here! Ive been in my dressing room… I mean, waiting for somebody to come and get me… whatre you DOING here? I mean, WHAT are you DOING here?!
Garrett: Well, you know, when I heard about–
Cicely: I mean, this is my spot!!
Garrett: When I heard them talk about, you know, Cicely TYSON, you know, on the show, I didnt think theyd actually GET you! [laughter] I just assumed it was a part for ME, you know. [laughter] I do, I do a good Cicely Tyson, honey.
Cicely: Garrett, would you tell me WHY you have my clothes on? Whatre you doing with my clothes on?!
Garrett: Look, look, let me explain something, now. I was hired by this show, Cicely, under the terms of the Token Minority Window-Dressing Act of 1978! [laughter] NOW: my contract–dig this contract, will you… [takes a folded sheaf of paper from his purse] …CLEARLY states, my contract clearly– [rummages through papers] –wait a minute, oh, right here–CLEARLY states that, in addition to services described above–see right there?–Performer agrees that he will play all parts darker than Tony Orlando. [laughter and applause] Now, the way I read it, that mean ALL parts!
Cicely: Ah, so you are playing a lot of women roles, is that it?
Garrett: Yeah, Ive done Tina Turner, Ive done Leon Spinks mother, Ive done a lot of maids, honey, and oh! Do you remember the Coretta King MUD wrestling, uh, piece?
Cicely: No, no, no, I do not.
Garrett: No, no, that was ME! That was me, sister!
Cicely: Garrett, what is happening to you?
Garrett: Huh?
Cicely: I mean, look at what youre doing! When we worked together at the Black Resentment Drama Workshop in the 1960s, I expected something really very big from you! I mean, the RANGE you showed, your talent, your voice… Remember when Lee Strasberg stopped by to watch us do the improvs? I mean, you were the ONLY one that he remembered! God knows, I hope hes not watching the show tonight! I mean, w-wheres your integrity? What HAPPENED to it?!
Garrett: [barely audibble] Well, uh…
Cicely: I mean, you have TALENT, and you are just throwing it away! Dont you know you have a responsibility as a black actor to perfect your craft? And you are here on this stage, in front of all these people on television, acting like a clown. Whatre you DOING it for?! [pauses] Money?!
Garrett: Well, it doesnt look bad on my rèsumè, yknow. [laughter] AND I get to keep the dresses! [cackles]
Cicely: [pats his shoulder] Listen, listen dear, were gonna talk about this later. [to camera] Well be right back!
[Crowd roars and applauds as Cicely turns on a brilliant smile and hooks her arms around Garretts waist. FADE to black.]
Nick…..Bill Murray Pianist…..Paul Shaffer Captain Doctor Rice Lake…..Dan Aykroyd Leslie Newcombe…..Cicely Tyson Man with Leslie…..Andy Murphy Jamarro the Bartender…..Garrett Morris Elaine Sulfrey…..Laraine Newman Bill Sulfrey…..John Belushi
[FADE IN on a closeup of Nick singing into his microphone over piano accompaniment.]
Nick: “Freeeeeeeak OUT!!! Le freak, so chic, Freak OUT!!! Le freak, so chic, Freak oouu-oouu-oouu-oouu-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUT!!!!!!!”
[PAN back to show the bar car on a passenger train. Nick is wearing a white leisure suit over a blue tropical shirt. The customers clap obligingly as a couple emerge from the next car, stop behind Nick, and wait for him to move out of their way.]
Nick: Thank you, thank you. Welcome to the auto train lounge! Im your h– [notices couple waiting behind him] Excuse me. Im your host, Nick Rails, and Ill be the entertainment, like it or lump it, all the way to Orlando.
[piano flourish]
Nick: “People all over the wor-r-rrrrrrld, Get your caaaaarrrrrrr, Drive it onto the auto traiiiinnnn… The next stop that we maaaaaaaaaaaaake Will be Florida-a-aaaa…”
[Nick turns around and jerks a thumb over his shoulder at a map of Florida sewn onto the back of his jacket.]
Nick: How many people your first trip to the Sunshine State, huh? [several passengers raise hands] How many people, first trip to Florida on the auto train? [most passengers raise hands] You know, when we get down there, you really have to watch the unloading of the cars, because the auto train staff is the best, its really something to see. Let me see whos here enjoying the ride on the auto train–uh-oh–a serviceman! [stops at table] Ten-HUT! [salutes and laughs] Nick Rails, reporting as ordered! Give me your name, rank, and serial number, will ya? [sticks mike in his face]
Serviceman: [tightly] Im Captain Doctor Rice Lake, United States Army Medical Corps, Im on route to the Combined Services Trauma Center in Key West, Florida.
[laughter]
Nick: And, uh, what kind of car do you have, Captain Doctor?
Captain Lake: Uh, I got a 68 Vette, with a blown 427, and a Hearst competition shifter on the floor, and a fuzz-buster on the dash. I made it from Utica to Washington in two hours and twenty minutes.
Nick: Hoo-hoo. That must some kinda record, I think. What do you do in the service?
Captain Lake: Uh, Im an Army urologist.
Nick: You know, I would like to talk with you later, if I could, Id appreciate it. [to piano player] Well, we got an Army doctor on, is there something we can do, uh… yeah, heres something for all you Army medics.
[The pianist starts the chorus to Suicide Is Painless.]
Nick: “G.Is whove been drafted, Viet vets whove been shafted…”
[Captain Doctor Lake claps hard, hands in driving gloves.] Nick: “They all know the wooooooorrrrrrrrds to the THEME from M*A*S*H!!!”
Nick: [over applause] Thank you.
[He steps across the car to another table at which an older white man and a a black woman are sitting.]
Nick: Say, uh, heres an odd couple. Whats your name?
[He sticks the microphone in the womans face, but she stares at the floor and doesnt make a sound.]
Nick: [nonplussed] Excuse me, Im sorry, I dont think everybody heard you. Whats your name?
Woman: [haltingly] Leslie Newcombe.
Nick: Leslie, and what kind of car did you bring on? Leslie: It aint none of my car, its his car.
Nick: [to man] What kind is it?
Man with Leslie: 78 white and green four-door Plymouth Fury!
Nick: Uh-huh. [to Leslie] Are you from Florida?
Leslie: [shakes head] Im from Illinois. [pauses] But I was down there, a couple weeks ago… had a real good time, you know, so, uh… they want me back, and I think… maybe this time Ill probably stay about eight or ten years.
[The man next to her reaches across the table for his drink, and his hand can clearly be seen handcuffed to Leslies.]
Nick: Ouch. Well, this ones for you, then, huh?
[Piano player starts Folsom Prison Blues.]
Nick: “I see a train a-comin, Comin round the beeeeeennd, I aint seen no sunshine Since I dont know when, Well, Im stuck in…”
[He sticks the mike in Leslies face.]
Leslie: Gainesville.
Nick: “Gainesville Prisonnnn, And time keeps draaaaggin ooo-ooonn, But that train keeps a-rollinnn On down to Orrrrr-land-oooooooo.”
[He turns around and once again jerks his thumb at the map on his back.]
Nick: [laughs over applause] Thank you. Hey – free drink for this lady on Nick Rails, please, would ya? [turns to bartender] Make it one of your orange blossoms, would ya? Its a special drink invented by our bartender, Jamarro–could we have a hand for him? Jamarro?
[passengers clap]
Nick: You know… J, the first place I go down in… Orlando is Disney World, because… its always new, its always exciting–its always alive. What do you do? [turns mike to him]
Jamarro: [twisting open a small liquor bottle] I like to get a shoe shine, a haircut, take out my jet-ski, and cruise the beaches for young–some young white girls.
[laughter]
Nick: [walking away] You know, I never know whether hes kidding or not! [giggles] Hey, heres a nice couple! Who are you folks?
[He bends down at another table and puts the mike into the womans face.]
Woman: [in a nasal voice] Uh, the Sulfreys.
Man: [in a heavy New York accent] The Sulfreys, yeah.
Woman: Elaine Sulfrey.
Man: Uh, Bill Sulfrey, from New London, Connecticut.
[laughter]
Nick: And youre going down to visit relatives.
Elaine: My mother.
Nick: [coyly] I had a feeling…
Elaine: [pulls microphone toward her] She just got a new pacemaker.
Bill: We wanna spend another one of our vacations in Florida, driving her mother around, but… we want our children to do the same for us, so… [shrugs]
Nick: What kind of car do you have?
Elaine: Oh, we have a new Mercedes, and hes gonna teach me to drive. [pats Bills arm]
Bill: Its a 450 SL, cream-colored.
Elaine: Its eggshell, for cryin out loud.
Bill: Eggshell, eggshell.
Nick: You know, I am fascinated by how many Jews drive German cars. [laughter] I used to have a Volkswagen… I saw Holocaust… I walked out to my bug the next morning, and I threw up all over it. [laughter] I had to get rid of it–and Im not even Jewish. [stands up] But that is one of the great things about the auto train, what happens here. It d–here, listen to this, see if this makes sense to anybody.
[He throws back his head, rolls up his eyes, and then starts back in.]
Nick: After I finish the show, I go back to the first Vista Cruiser, behind the automobile car… and I sit there, and I look down on the cars, eighteen to a flatcar… and it HITS me. No car is treated any better than any other car on the auto train. No car is BETTER than any other car on the auto train. Same goes for all of us. When I get off this train… I might find out that… this guy… that I met… drives a Pacer. And I drive a Monarch. But I dont CARE. At all. Thats what happens on this train, it does something…
[piano music rises]
Nick: “Dont go changinnnn, To try to PLEASE meeeee… You never let Nick Rails down before. Youll always have myyyyyyyy… Unspoken pleasuuuurrrrrrre… I love you just the wa-ay you aaaaaaaaaaaa-a-a-aaaaaarrrrrrrre, Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare, ar-ar-ar-ar-aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrre…”
Nick: [bowing] Thank you. Were gonna be in Orlando in nine hours!
[The Army doctor and several others jump to their feet and dash out of the car.]
Nick: Thanks, I hope you enjoyed yourselves. Thank you, so much. The bars not closed–I hope you enjoyed yourselves.
[FADE to a wide shot of the studio and PAN back to show the clapping audience and standing crew members. SUPERIMPOSE, coming up next… Evelyn Wood Speedtaking Course. FADE to black.]
[ open on the SNL House Band playing a jazzy intro, as camera pans onto Emcee Monty at the microphone to give his excited introduction ]
Emcee Monty: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! It is showtime here, at the fabulous Black Rhino Club! Home of quality entertainment! Home of the rhythm and blues sound of the day! I am Monty, your emcee, and we hope you have enjoyed – or will enjoy – the fine people we have arranged for your lsitening and dancing pleasure! Now! The Club Black Rhino is proud to present, direct from the State Automobile Tour of Illionois and Indiana.. originally from Calumit, Indiana.. Let’s put your hands together.. I said let’s put your hands together! For the blues band of Joliet “Jake” and Elwood Blues.. put them together! The Blu-ues.. Brothers!
[ Emcee Monty steps into the shadows, as Jake & Elwood Blues, the Blues Brothers, enter the stage. Elwood is handcuffed to a briefcase, which Jake proceeds to uncuff him from. Once uncuffed, Elwood opens his case, pulls out a harmonica, then places the empty case aside as Jake performs a cartwheel to the microphones ]
[ House Band kicks in wih a traditional blues favorite, as Jake and Elwood perform a series of dance moves prior to their musical performance ]
Blues Brothers: [ singing ] Coming to you, on a dusty road Good loving, I got a truck load and when you get it, you got something So don’t worry, ’cause I’m coming
I’m a soul man, I’m a soul man I’m a soul man, I’m a soul man
Got what I got, the hard way and I’ll make better, each and every day So honey, don’t you fret ’cause you ain’t seen nothing yet
I’m a soul man, ow! I’m a soul man, play it Steve! I’m a soul man, ow! I’m a soul man, huh! Listen!
I was brought up, on a side street Learned how to love, before I could eat I was educated, from good stock When I start loving I just can’t stop
I’m a soul man, I’m a soul man I’m a soul man, I’m a soul man, huh!
Well grab the rope, and I’ll pull you in Give you hope, and be your only boyfriend ya (ya) ya (ya) help!
I’m a soul man, I’m a soul man You’re a soul man, huh! I’m a soul man, I’m a soul man I’m a soul man, huh huh!
[ audience applauds wildly ]
Emcee Monty: Live, from New York, it’s SATURDAY NIIIIGHT!!!
Eddie the Sailor…..John Belushi Candy the Barfly…..Laraine Newman Second Barfly…..Gilda Radner Bartender…..Dan Aykroyd Third Barfly…..Jane Curtin Jim…..Bill Murray Brandy the Barfly…..Carrie Fisher Marine…..Garrett Morris
[ open on music: “Brandy (You’re A Fine Girl)” by The Looking Glass, over exterior of a western port, with SUPER: “Marseilles, 1978” ]
[ dissolve to interior, port bar, Eddie the Sailor telling his barfly dates an exciting sailing story ]
Eddie the Sailor: So I’m walking down the deck.. I’m just waking up! It’s three in the morning! I got a.. I got a cup of coffee in one hand.. I look up! And what do I see?! An iceberg! So I drops the coffee!
Candy the Barfly: Hey, Eddie..?
Eddie the Sailor: Awww.. you sure drink fast, don’t you?
Candy the Barfly: You.. you buy me another drink, Eddie?
Eddie the Sailor: Sure, sure, sure..
Second Barfly: Uh.. you buy one for me, too, Eddie?
Eddie the Sailor: Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.. So! So I dropped the coffee! And I leaped for the rail!
Bartender: That will be.. 100 francs – or 35 American dollars.
Eddie the Sailor: Here! Help yourself! [ pays his tab ]
Bartender: Merci.
Eddie the Sailor: I’m holdin’ on to the rail! Just waitin’ for us to hit!
Third Barfly: Eddie? Can I have some money for the jukebox?
Eddie the Sailor: Yeah, yeah.. sure.. here, here.. So, I’m waitin’! And I’m waitin’.. and, finally.. I open my eyes.. and what do you think I see?! Huh?! The pier! I forgot! We were still in port! I was thinknig we were at sea!
[ cut to Jim, a Marine, entering the bar, as Candy quickly swarms toward him ]
Candy the Barfly: My nane is Candy. What is your name?
Jim: Jim.
Candy the Barfly: Oh, Jimm.. Do you want to buy me a drink?
Jim: Why?
Candy the Barfly: Because, uh.. I like you.. because I’m so thirsty.
Jim: Give me a beer. Give this thirsty person a glass of water.
Bartender: Candy only drinks.. champagne.
Candy the Barfly: That’s true, Jim. I always drink champagne. I looove champagne.
Jim: Well, forget it. I wasn’t born yesterday, honey. [ drops a dollar on the bar counter ] Just give me a beer.
Candy the Barfly: Ugh! [ walks away in disgust ]
[ Jim takes his beer and sits alone at a table. Soon, Brandy the Barly steps up to him ]
Brandy the Barfly: Do you mind if I sit down?
Jim: Sit down if you want – but I won’t be buying any champagne.
Brandy the Barfly: I don’t want champagne, I.. I just want to be able to sit by you. [ sits next to Jim ] Where did you get such.. nice posture.. and those eyyyes.
Jim: [ chuckles ] Come on! Don’t pull that on me! You just want me to buy you champagne. And, when my money’s gone.. you will be, too. I’ve been in these kind of places before?
[ Bartender steps forward ]
Bartender: Okay, what’s going on here? Are you buying Brandy a drink, or not?
Jim: No. The answer’s no!
Bartender: Well, then, she can’t STAY with you! Come on! [ grabs at Brandy ]
Brandy the Barfly: Yes, I can! I can buy my own drink!
Bartender: [ scowls at the thought, steps away ]
Brandy the Barfly: I like him.
Jim: Sounds good, but I hope I didn’t get you in trouble.
Brandy the Barfly: I don’t care. I like you.
Jim: [ scoffs ] Well, I’m sorry if I was rude.. but the last time I was in a place like this, I spent $80. And I didn’t even get drunk!
Brandy the Barfly: Ohhhh.. wqell, you should save your money..
Jim: That’s exactly what I do! I buy savings bonds – through the payroll savings plan.
Brandy the Barfly: Have you considered.. mutual.. funds..?
Jim: No, I.. ha ha! Stop it! I don’t know anything about stuff like that!
Brandy the Barfly: Well, what happens ees – when you invest the mutual fund, they take your money and spread it all around.. so that you own pieces in all different kinds of companies..
Jim: You make it sound so simple.
Brandy the Barfly: Buuut.. it is simple. [ ] All you have to do.. is sign here. And we’ll send a copy to your Commanding Officer.. so that part of your pay will go directly to our offices in Switzerland! You won’t have to go to the bank.. or anything.
Jim: You mean, it’s done, like, by computers?
Brandy the Barfly: [ cocks head back with a smile ] And you said you didn’t know anything about business!
Jim: [ laughs playfully, not sure if he’s being burned or not ]
Brandy the Barfly: Do you think, uh.. do you want to plan to invest a hundred a month, or.. do you think you will be able to afford a hundred and fifty?
Jim: One hundred.. no, one hundred and fifty!
Brandy the Barfly: Ah. Well, just sign there.. and we’re in business! [ Jim signs ] And.. sign there, too.. you see, it’s a.. combination insurance plan that only costs you a couple dollars a month more. So if.. something should happen to you – knock on wood [ knocks on the table ] – your mutual fund wil automatically pay out, and then.. I’ll split the money with whoever you name as Beneficiary.
Jim: Can I put my mother as the Beneficiary?
Brandy the Barfly: Suuuure!
Jim: Thank you..! Thank you..!
[ as Jim continues to sign all the various papers, another Marine steps forward to speak with Brandy ]
Marine: Uhhhhh.. what does it mean.. here in the.. small print.. uh, the.. salesman’s commission on this 20-year plan, to be paid off in the first years’ deposit made during the first year.. Now, does that mean that all the money I put into it in the first year goes to you? And I don’t get anything of this?
Brandy the Barfly: Uh.. just a few more seconds, I’m almost done with this sailor.. huh? [ turns back to Jim ] Ohhhhh.. thank you! I have to go now, I promised him that if he bought a fund from me, I’d take him to my Alps and show him.. my certificate.
Jim: In Switzerland?
Brandy the Barfly: No, no, no – upstairs. It’s kind of a.. branch office.
Jim: Well, I.. kinda thought.. well, you know.. I’m spending $150 a month.. I just thought, well..
Brandy the Barfly: Well, I know, Jimmy.. but don’t worry about anything, it’s an excellent plan. ??
[ Brandy walks away from Jim, as the Bartender gets the room’s attention ]
Bartender: Hey! Everybody! Let’s hear it for Bran-dy! She broek a re-cord here to-night! She sold 18 glasses of champagne..and 2 mutual funds!
[ everyone applauds Brandy’s efforts ]
[ music closes back on “Brandy (You’re A Fine Girl)” by The Looking Glass ]
Don Pardo V/O: Next week, join us for an encore presentation of the Saturday Night Live” show, hosted by Paul Simon with his special guest George Harrison. Two weks from tonight, we’ll be back live on the air with host Walter Matthau. This is Don Pardo. Good night!
Mrs. Loud…..Jane Curtin Mr. Loud…..Bill Murray Joan Loud…..Carrie Fisher Jean Loud…..Gilda Radner Rick Phillips…..Dan Aykroyd Kevin…..John Belushi The Police Officer…..Garrett Morris
(Mrs. Loud answers the ringing telephone)
Mrs. Loud: HELLO, LOUD RESIDENCE. OH. HI KEVIN. NO, JEAN AND JOAN WENT TO THEIR FIGURE SKATING CLASS.
Mr. Loud: WHO IS IT, HONEY?
Mrs. Loud: ITS KEVIN. (Jean and Joan are heard laughing off-screen) HERE THEY COME NOW, KEVIN. JOAN, ITS KEVIN. I THINK HE HAS A CRUSH ON YOU.
Joan: OH MOM! HI, KEVIN? WELL, JEANS DATE WILL BE HERE ANY MINUTE, SO WHY DONT WE MEET HERE? OKAY, ILL SEE YOU LATER. GOODBYE.
Mr. Loud: WELL, IM GLAD YOU GIRLS ARE FINALLY GETTING DATES. YOU KNOW, YOURE BOTH GOOD LOOKING, INTELLIGENT GIRLS. I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY BOYS HAVING BEEN FLOCKING AROUND THE DOOR.
Jean: WELL, MAYBE YOU AND MOM SCAIRED THEM ALL AWAY.
Mrs. Loud: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
Joan: YOU NEVER GIVE US ANY TIME TO OURSELVES.
Mr. Loud: WELL, MAYBE IF I GET TO KNOW THE BOYS IN QUESTION, I SEE NO REASON WHY YOU TWO CANT BE TRUSTED ALONE. JEAN, WHOS THE YOUNG MAN YOURE SEEING TONIGHT?
Jean: HIS NAMES RICK. HE WORKS AT THE CAR WASH AND HE GOES TO JEFFERSON HIGH.
(doorbell rings)
Mr. Loud: ILL GET IT.
Rick: Hi. Im Rick Phillips. You must be Mr. and Mrs. Loud.
Mr. & Mrs. Loud: THATS RIGHT.
Jean: HI RICK! COME SIT DOWN. I WANT YOU TO MEET MY SISTER, JOAN.
Joan: HI!
Rick: Its easy to tell youre sisters.
(the girls begin talking over the top of each other)
Girls: REALLY? YOU THINK SO? I DONT KNOW? I LOOK MORE LIKE MY DAD. Etc.
Rick: You have two lovely daughters.
Mr. Loud: WELL ITS A SAD STORY, REALLY. WE USED TO HAVE THREE DAUGHTERS, BUT OUR ELDEST DIED IN A SKIING ACCIDENT.
Rick: Im sorry, what happened?
Mr. Loud: AVALANCHE.
(Mrs. Loud bursts into loud sobs)
Mr. Loud: BAD LUCK, I GUESS.
(the doorbell rings)
Joan: ILL GET IT! THAT MUST BE KEVIN! (opens the door) HI KEVIN!
Kevin: Hi Joan.
Jean: HI KEVIN, I WANT YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND RICK.
Joan: RICK, THIS IS MY FRIEND KEVIN.
(they shake hands)
Kevin: Sorry Im late. The flight from Cleveland was delayed so, I had to work late.
Mrs. Loud: WELL, YOU KIDS BEHAVE YOURSELVES. MR. LOUD AND ILL JUST GO UPSTAIRS AND, UM READ.
Mr. Loud: GOODNIGHT KIDS.
Jean: GOODNIGHT MOM. GOODNIGHT DAD.
Mrs. Loud: GOODNIGHT JEAN. GOODNIGHT JOAN.
Mr. Loud: GOODNIGHT JEAN. GOODNIGHT JOAN.
Joan: GOODNIGHT MOM AND DAD.
Mr. Loud: AND REMEMBER, IF YOU GO OUT, BE BACK BY 2:00 AND DONT FORGET TO LOCK THE BACK DOOR.
(they go upstairs and after a few minutes they are heard having sex. The girls and Kevin are unscathed, but Rick is bewildered)
Jean: SO, WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANNA DO TONIGHT?
Kevin: How about a movie?
Rick: Okay, but before we go
(Rick pulls out a joint and begins passing it around)
Joan: WOW, THIS IS GREAT POT!
(Rick attempts to keep them quiet)
Jean: YEAH, ONE PUFF AND IM SO STONED!
(footsteps are heard coming downstairs and the kids scramble to hide the joint)
Mr. Loud: WHATS GOING ON DOWN HERE?!
Mrs. Loud: JEAN, JOAN, IM ASHAMED!
Jean & Joan: UH-OH!
Mr. Loud: BOYS, MRS. LOUD AND I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A WORD WITH OUR DAUGHTERS NOW!
(They take the girls into the next room and close the door)
Rick: Whats wrong with this family? They seem to talk loud. Like really loud.
Kevin: (pulling the sound mufflers off his ear) What?
Rick: Never mind.
Mr. Loud: WE BROUGHT YOU IN HERE BECAUSE WE DIDNT WANT TO YELL AT YOU IN FRONT OF YOUR FRIENDS.
Mrs. Loud: I CANT BELIEVE I FOUND YOU TWO SMOKING IN HERE TONIGHT AND I DONT APPROVE!
Jean: MOM, DONT YELL AT ME LIKE IM A CHILD!
Mr. Loud: WELL, YOURE BOTH ACTING LIKE CHILDREN!
Jean & Joan: WE ARE NOT!
Mr. & Mrs. Loud: YOU ARE TO!
Jean & Joan: WE ARE NOT!
Mr. & Mrs. Loud: YOU ARE TOO!
(the doorbell rings)
Mr. Loud: WHO COULD THAT BE AT THIS HOUR OF THE NIGHT? (there is a police officer standing at the door) OH! HELLO OFFICER!
Officer: Im sorry to bother you, but youre all going to have to quiet down in here.
Mr. Loud: IM SORRY OFFICER. WHO COMPLAINED?
Officer: Nobody. I was driving by.
Mr. Loud: WELL, IM SORRY. WE WERE HAVING A FIGHT. WELL STOP.
Officer: I hope you got the message.
The Loud Family: GOODNIGHT OFFICER!
(Not expecting them to all yell at once, Rick spills his snack)
(pull back on wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… Celebrity Battle of the Wimps And Twerps”)
Doctor … Jane Curtin Mrs. Gilbert … Gilda Radner Mr. Gilbert … John Belushi Orderly #1 … Dan Aykroyd Orderly #2 … Bill Murray Nurse #1 … Laraine Newman Nurse #2 … Carrie Fisher Mr. Wilkie … Garrett Morris Singer … Bill Murray
[Hospital room. Doctor confers with Mr. and Mrs.Gilbert next to the bed of Mrs. Gilbert’s comatosemother.]
Mrs. Gilbert: [distressed] Doctor, what do youmean she could live for another year in all thispain?
Doctor: All I’m saying is that she has terminalmetastasis of the liver and vertebrae and will neverbe capable of walking, moving or communicating. Andbecause of a total deterioration of thevestibulo-colear nerve, she is, however, capable ofexperiencing excruciating pain.
Mrs. Gilbert: Oh …
Mr. Gilbert: [puts a comforting arm around hiswife] I don’t wanna sound cold about it but, uh, twothousand dollars a day to keep an old woman who’s hada full, happy life in excruciating pain doesn’t soundlike much of a bargain to me. … [to the doctor] So,uh, why don’t you just, uh, shut off all thosemachines?
Doctor: Well, we can’t do that. Not without thepermission of the closest of kin and that would beyou, Mrs. Gilbert.
Mrs. Gilbert: Oh, I just don’t – I just don’tknow. I mean, what would mother want? I wish she couldgive us a signal or something.
Mr. Gilbert: Aw, honey, let’s face it. She’s aveg. …
Mrs. Gilbert: I – I’m sorry but I can’t be theone to give my permission to let her die.
Doctor: Well, then, our hands are tied. I’msorry.
[Sad music as we dissolve to the doctor’s darkenedoffice where a white-uniformed orderly rifles througha filing cabinet while a second orderly holds aflashlight for him.]
Orderly #1: [pulls file, reads it] Yeah, here’sone in 1217. “Terminal metastasis of the liver andvertebrae, deterioration of the vestibulo-colear nervebundle.”
Orderly #2: She must be in a lot of pain. Arethey gonna let her die with dignity?
Orderly #1: Let’s see. [turns pages in file]No! [grimly] They’re keepin’ her on themachines.
Orderly #2: [sighs] Sounds like a job for us,all right.
[Dramatic music. SUPER: MERCY KILLERS logo — completewith an unplugged electric cord and an open electricoutlet.]
Don Pardo V/O: And now it’s time for “MercyKillers”! The unsung heroes of the terminallyill!
[Hurry music as the doctor enters and switches on thelights. The orderlies quickly return the file, closethe cabinet drawer, and try vainly to lookinnocent.]
Doctor: What are you two doing in myoffice?
Orderly #1: [lying badly] We – we passed byyour office. We heard some noise. We came in andsurprised some creep in a leather jacket. We tried tograb him but – he ran out.
Orderly #2: Yeah. That’s it. I don’t think hetook anything.
Doctor: [somehow convinced, sits at desk,focuses on paperwork] Oh, good. ‘Cause there’s beenstrange things going on in this hospital. You twodon’t know anything about that mysterious death inpost-op, do you?
[The orderlies glance at one anotherknowingly.]
Orderly #2: [after a long pause,unconvincingly] No. We’re orderlies. We just – cleanbedpans.
[The doctor nods, convinced.]
Orderly #1: [to Orderly #2] Come on. Let’s goclean bedpans.
Orderly #2: Yeah. Hey, wait up.
[The orderlies exit. Transitional music as we dissolveback to the hospital room where two nurses escort apatient, Mr. Wilkie, into the room and put him in thebed next to Mrs. Gilbert’s comatose mother.]
Nurse #1: All right. Not too fast.
Nurse #2: Take it easy.
Mr. Wilkie: [walking gingerly] Ahhh….
Nurse #2: That’s it.
Nurse #1: Not too fast.
Nurse #2: That’s it.
Mr. Wilkie: [gets in bed] You know, you know,ladies, I – I feel fine. Why don’t both of you hopinto bed with me and let me try out my newvasectomy?
Nurse #2: Now, now, Mr. Wilkie, you’ll be outof here tomorrow and you can do whatever you want but,until then, we’ll follow hospital regulations. [puts ascreen between the room’s two beds]
Mr. Wilkie: [indicates Mrs. Gilbert’s mother]Hey, uh, who’s, uh, in that bed over there?
Nurse #1: [readies a hypodermic needle] Neveryou mind. It’s just someone fast asleep – which iswhat you’re gonna be in a second – once thesesedatives kick in. After that, all you’ll want to dois go to sleep.
Mr. Wilkie: Okay. I am pretty sleepy already.Good night.
Nurse #1: Good night.
Nurse #2: Good night.
Mr. Wilkie: [sleepily] Good night.[yawns]
[The nurses shut off the lights and exit as Mr. Wilkiebegins to doze. After a moment, the Mercy Killersenter with flashlights.]
Orderly #2: [to Orderly #1] Hey, didn’t thefile say seventy-eight year old femaleCaucasian?
Orderly #1: Yeah, it did. Anothermistake in the file system! … This hospital’sreally going downhill. Let’s do it.
Mr. Wilkie: Uh, what’s going on, fellas?Hey!
[The orderlies suddenly take a pillow from behind Mr.Wilkie’s head and start to smother him with it.Orderly #2 holds the pillow, leaving #1 to strugglewith Mr. Wilkie’s wildly flailing arms. The patient’sscreams are muffled by the pillow.]
Orderly #2: [loses his nerve] Stop! Wait aminute! Maybe we shouldn’t be taking thisresponsibility.
Orderly #1: [annoyed] What do you mean? Why doyou always pull this on me at the last minute?[grimly, rapidly] I’m gonna tell you a little storyabout a guy who dreamed of going to medical school tobe a surgeon but he couldn’t — ’cause his father waslying in silent agony for years while the family wasspiritually and financially drained. And that guy, hecouldn’t go to medical school so he had to become anorderly, clean bedpans, and the only way he could helppeople was by letting them die in dignity like this.[Mr. Wilkie has been struggling and flailing his armsin an undignified manner throughout the entirespeech.]
Orderly #2: Gee, did that story happen toyou?
Orderly #1: [as if it were obvious] No. [backto business] Give me a hand with this guy.
[Mr. Wilkie finally succumbs, though there is anamusing final flailing of the arms.]
Orderly #1: Another merciful death.
[Mentally and physically exhausted, the Mercy Killerswalk away from their patient.]
Orderly #2: [with a backward glance] Well, atleast we won’t have to clean up after this one anymore.
Orderly #1: [solemnly] The people we help cannever thank us. All we can expect is that maybesomeday, someone will write a song about us. …[casually] Come on, let’s go get some coffee and asweet roll.
[They exit as the Theme from “Mercy Killers” playsover the show’s closing credits, which aresuperimposed over stills from other episodes of theseries:]
Singer V/O: [sings cheesily] They kill not because they want to Because they think it’s right to In some cases Have mercy on them and someday they may Have mercy on you The mercy killers Have mercy on you The mercy killers!
[SUPERED CREDITS:
Mercy Killers A Quonset Production
executive producer Ron Gwynn
producer Husky Blaimes
director Larry Hayes
technical advisor Dr. Robert Marks, D.D.S.
writers Robert Hackleman Shimmy Plenner Jack Thorax
ALL MERCY KILLERS stories are true, based on files stolen from hospitals throughout the State of Nevada.]
[STILL PHOTOS: The Mercy Killers in a darkeneddoctor’s office with flashlight and file folder;entering a darkened hospital room with flashlight andlarge hypodermic needle; squeezing a patient’s I.V.tubes; smothering a patient in bed.]
…..Carrie Fisher Voice of Obi-Wan Kinobi…..Dan Aykroyd
[ Carrie Fisher enters Home Base relunctantly dressed as Princess Leia ]
Carrie Fisher: Yeah, I.. I felt a little awkward coming out in my Princess Leia costume, ’cause it might seem like I’m exploiting “Star Wars”.. But, you know, I went along with it, because, uh.. if I came out as myself, who would recognize me? So, uh.. yeah, I really didn’t know what to do, I felt really.. weird. So.. well, I went to the one person I know I can trust. Someone who’s always been there for me in the past.. well, you probably know who he is, you’ve heard of him.. my good friend Obi-Wan Kinobi! and, uh.. Obi-Wan said, “Look, the costume is fine. But if you’re gonna do “Saturday Night Live”, you want to open with a reallygreat joke.” So.. he gave me one that’s supposed to be sure-fire and.. [ chuckles ] ..well, I-I-I don’t usually do jokes, but.. here goes.
Uh.. There’s this Bantha who’s placed information vital to the survival of the rebellion R-2 unit. Well, the Bantha knows it’ll take a little while for the Nava-computer to calculate the coordinates. So, then.. the Bantha goes over to Jabba the Hut’s bar, and he gets an idea. He says to Jabba, “My deflector shields are malfunctioning, can you put me up for the night?” Then Jabba says, “Well, there’s a Jedi Knight convention in town, but.. I guess you could stay in my Nebulan stabilizer with my daughter!”
[ stops ] I don’t know.. you know, I think this might be a little too.. “inside”, you know..?
Noooo, Carrie.. trust your instincts.
Carrie Fisher: Well.. you know, Obi.. I don’t know, we like the joke, but some of the references are a little obscure for this galaxy. I mean, this is a New York audience, they’re really sophisticated and everything-
Voice of Obi-Wan Kinobi: Trust.. your feelings, Carrie. Let yourself go. It’s a funny joke.
Carrie Fisher: Okay. You’re the force. [ continues the joke ]
So.. the Bantha agrees. But Jabba says, “I’ve gotta meet with some Sand People later.. can I trust you with my daughter alone?”
Voice of Obi-Wan Kinobi: [ laughing with great amusement, distracting Carrie ]
Carrie Fisher: Oh, look.. I don’t know.. but it seems to me, that this is the kind of joke that you would probably have to have been on a lot of space travel to-
Voice of Obi-Wan Kinobi: Just.. get to the part about those-
Okay.. so the Bantha says, “Sure! You can trust me!” And Jabba leaves. Of course, right away the daughter invites him into the Millenium Falcon for some gwarnng cola and some wookies-
Voice of Obi-Wan Kinobi: [ once again bursts out laughing, further distracting Carrie ] Gwarnng cola.. wookies.. I love this part!
Carrie Fisher: Yeah. Ah.. but he goes along with it – but just then, Jabba comes back.. he drrd the mess and says, “You call this a hologram?!“
Voice of Obi-Wan Kinobi: [ laughing uproariously ] I’ve heard that joke a thousand times – it’s still the best one in the universe!
Carrie Fisher: Great, Obi..
Voice of Obi-Wan Kinobi: [ still laughing uproariously ]
Carrie Fisher: I know you never get tired of it, but some people are a little fed up with “Star Wars”!
Voice of Obi-Wan Kinobi: [ unable to control his laughter ]
Carrie Fisher: Of course, I’m not complaining! I’m not complaining! I’m glad I made a little space movie two years ago, because.. if I had done one on the Fifties.. it-it might not have turned out so well, you know..?
(Scene opens on a lake. Mr. Hands takes a fishing line and lets it out. He hooks up the Mr. Bill Show curtain and pulls it up.)
Mr. Hands: Hey kids, it’s the Mr. Bill Show!
Mr. Bill: (Standing on a small boat) Ho ho kiddies! Oh boy are we gonna have fun today. Because I’m taking off work to go fishing yay! And here’s our skipper Mr. Hands Yay!
Mr. Hands: (Starts molding a blue hat) Hey Mr. Bill! Before we start fishing, we need to put on a fisherman’s hat to protect us from the sun. (Places it on Mr. Bill’s head.)
Mr. Bill: Yay! Thanks! (Mr. Hands puts the hooks on the hat which go right through Mr. Bill’s head.) Oh no the hooks! Noooooooooo! Why Why!
Mr. Hands: And say, before we start reeling them in, how about a nice cold beer? (Shakes up a beer can.)
Mr. Bill: But you know I’m too young to drink. (Mr. Hands opens up the can which sprays Beer all over Mr. Bill’s face.)
Mr. Hands: Now we need some bait.
Mr. Bill: But I don’t have any worms.
Mr. Hands: (Sings) “Here comes Mr. Bill’s dog!” (Molds Spot into shape.)
Mr. Bill: Yay spot! How are you doing huh? (Mr. Hands hooks Spot) Oh wait! Oh no don’t do that no! Ohhhhhhhhhh!
Mr. Hands: (Places the line on Mr. Bill’s hat) Now lets cast off!
Mr. Bill: No no my hat! (Mr. Hands releases the line pulling Mr. Bill’s hat and hair off!) Nooooooooo! My hair!
Mr. Hands: (Pulling in Sluggo with his line.) Say what a catch! It’s deep sea diver Jacques Sluggeau!
Mr. Bill: Oh no! He’s gonna be mean to me!
Mr. Hands: No he just wants to show you his new harpoon (Sluggo shoots it at Mr. Bill)
Mr. Bill: No wait! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Mr. Hands: (Casting his line.) Now I’ll try my luck and maybe I’ll catch a whale. (Aims it at a dolphin.)
Mr. Bill: No I don’t like fishing!
Mr. Hands: Say I think I got a nibble so why don’t you hold while I tell the kids… (Gives the line to Mr. Bill)
Mr. Bill: No I can’t hold it! I can’t–! (Mr. Hands releases the line and Mr. Bill is sent flying in the air right into the dolphins mouth.) Nooooooooooooooooooo!
Mr. Hands: …So long! See you next time when Mr. Bill goes to court. Bye bye!
