Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

Monster Under the Bed

Casey…..Amy Poehler
Mom…..Annette Bening
Dad…..Will Forte
The Monster…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, suburban home, night ]

[ dissolve to interior, Casey’s bedroom, as she breathes heavy with fear in the dark ]

Casey: Mom, Dad! Mom!

[ Mom and Dad enter the room, and turn on the lights ]

Mom: What is it, honey? What’s wrong?

Dad: Is everything okay?

Casey: I can’t sleep.

Dad: Well, why not?

Mom: Here – let’s get you tucked in, honey.

Casey: No, no! It’s just —

Mom: What is it? What?

Casey: [ at last ] There’s a monster underneath my bed.

[ Mom and Dad back up toward the door, suddenly paralyzed with great fear ]

Dad: What?!

Mom: What did she say? What did she just say –?

Dad: Wait! What did you just say?!

Casey: I said I think there’s a monster underneath my bed.

Dad: You THINK?! Or IS there?!

Mom: YES or NO?! This isn’t a game! [ grabs her hisband ] Oh, my God, Hank! What do we do?!

Dad: Everybody, get on the bed!! FEET OFF THE FLOOR!! NOW!!

[ Mom and Dad jump onto the bed with a single leap ]

Casey: AHH!! What?!

Dad: Casey, this is VERY important: How big is the monster?!

Casey: I don’t know, I-I didn’t actually see him —

Dad: Oh, my God – he’s invisible!

Mom: Or he’s a shape-shifter – he could be anything on this bed!

Dad: PILLOWS AND BLANKETS, OFF!! NOW!!

[ Mom and Dad fling all the pillows and blankets across the room with primal screams ]

Casey: Maybe – maybe – maybe we should just lseep in your bed tonight!

Mom: Oh, you don’t think the monster has already THOUGHT of that?! [ tries to calm herself down ] I’m sorry, baby. Why did you call us in here if you KNEW there was a monster?!

Dad: Everybody, stay calm! Okay, Casey – has the monster been here before? Does he know the layout of the house?

Casey: I don’t know, I —

Dad: We don’t have TIME for “I DON’T KNOW!!” OKAY?!!

Dad: There is a monster under your bed, and he’s going to EAT us, do you understand?! He is GOING to EAT US!!

Mom: CALL THE POLICE!! CALL THE POLICE!!

Dad: OHH!! I left my phone in the other room!! Casey, do you have the cell phnoe that Mmomy and Daddy gave you?

Casey: Yeah, it’s in my jacket — [ starts to crawl out of the bed ]

Mom: DON’T BE AN IDIOT, CASEY!!

Dad: STAY OFF THE FLOOR!! The mnoster’s visual accuity is based on MOTION!! If you step on that floor, you’re SIGNING OUR DEATH CERTIFICATES!!

Casey: You know, maybe it was just my imagination —

Mom: Why would you make that up? What kind of sick freak would make that up?!

Dad: We can’t AFFORD to be wrong on this, Casey!! Because if you’re wrong, we are DEAD! Your parents will be dead, nd you’ll live the rest of your life knowing that you KILLED them!

Casey: What if he’s a friendly monster?

Dad: [ chuckles heartily ] Oh, ho ho, yeah! What if he’s a friendly monster! Hey! Look at that shark! Maybe he’s a friendly shark! Oh, wait! He’s ripping my legs off! Thanks for the advice, Casey – Daddy’s got no legs!

Casey: Well, maybe it was just a nightmare. I ate a lot of chocolate before I went to sleep —

Dad: You what?!

Mom: You brought chocolate into the monster’s lair? YOU IDIOT!! [ grabs Casey’s throat and begins to strangle her ]

Dad: NO! Let her go! Let her go!

Casey: I’m sorry! I’m sorry!

Dad: Yeah, I’d be sorry, too, if I had to sit on a bed and watch my parents get RAPED by a monster! Because it WILL happen!

Mom: [ weeping ] Don’t let us die like this, Hank! Don’t let us die!

Dad: Okay, there’s only one way out. [ pulls two pistols out of his robe, holds one up before Casey ] Do you know how to use this?

Casey: No.

Dad: God, you are dead weight, WHY dod we even send you to school?!

[ Mom grabs one of the pistols from Dad ]

Dad: Honey, if we don’t make it out of here alive, I just want you to know that I love you.

Mom: I love you, too.

Dad: Casey? I’ve gotta say.. I’m a little disappointed in you. Okay? So.. on the count of three, we run, okay? And DO NOT test me on this, I will LEAVE YOU HERE in a HEARTBEAT!! Okay?! Are we clear?!

Casey: YES, Dad!

Dad: Okay! 1! 2! 3!

[ Mom runs screaming out of the room, as Dad backs up while pointing his pistol in all directions. Casey calmly walks out of the room. ]

[ a moment or two later, Christmas music begins to play, as a Monster emerges from the closet ]

The Monster: [ singing ]
“Have a holly, jolly Christmas!
It’s the best tiiiiime of the year!
I don’t know, if there’ll be snow
but have a cup of cheer!”

[ suddenly, gunshots ring out. Dad and his family stand in the doorway as he unloads his ammunition into the Monster’s back. The monster stands there paralyzed, as the music stops abruptly. ]

The Monster: Whyyyyy?? [ collapses against the ned and onto the floor ]

Mom: [ smiles ] Oh! So predictable, huh?

Dad: See, Casey? He fell RIGHT into our trap.

Casey: [ frightened ] Yeah.. I guess..

Mom: Well, honey. I think it’s past your bedtime!

Dad: Yeah, get to sleep. We’ll clean that monster up in the morning.

Mom: Good night.

Dad: Good night.

[ Mom and Dad exit the bedroom and turn off the lights, leaving Casey and the dead monster alone in the dark ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

Gwen Stefani performs “Wind it Up”

…..Annette Bening
…..Gwen Stefani

Annette Bening: Ladies and gentlemen, Gwen Stefani.

(cheers and applause)

(Annette Bening stands with female look-alike dancers behind her, male dancers behind the female dancers, and male drummers stand at the very back)

Gwen Stefani: (singing)
“High on the hill with the lonely goatherd, lay-od-lay-od-lay-he-hoo
Yodell back with the girl and goatherd, lay-od-lay-od-low

Wind it up
Wind it up, uh, uh,
Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
Uh, uh, Yodellay, yodallay, yodal-low

(Yeah)
This is the key that makes us wind up
When the beat comes on, the girls all line up
And the boys all look, but no, they can’t touch
But the girls want to know why boys like us so much

They like the way we dance, they like the way we work
They like that way that L.A.M.B. is going ‘cross my shirt
They like the way my pants, it compliments my shape (She’s crazy, right?)
They like the way we react everytime we dance

Everytime the bass bangs, re-alize it calls your name
Let the beat wind you up, and don’t stop till your time is up
Get in line now

Uh, uh, uh, Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
Uh, uh, Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, (Come on) uh
Uh, uh, Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
Uh, uh, Yodellay, yodallay, yodal-low

You’ve got to let the beat get under your skin
You’ve got to open up, and let it all in
But see, once it gets in, the poppin’ begins
And then you find out, why all the boys stare

See, they’re trying to bite our style
Trying to study our approach
They like the way we do it, so original
I guess that they are slow, so they should leave the room
This beat is for the clubs, and cars that go

Everytime the bass bangs, re-alize it calls your name
Let the beat wind you up, and don’t stop till your time is up
Get in line now

Uh, uh, uh, wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
(Ya’ll ready)

Uh, uh, Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
Uh, uh, Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
Uh, uh, Wind it up, Yodellay, yodallay, yodal-low

Uh uh huh, it’s your moment
Uh huh, come on girl, you know you own it
Uh huh, you know your key is still tick-tockin’
Hell yeah, and you know they’re watchin’

Get it girl, get it, get it girl
Get it girl, get it, get it girl
To the front, to the side,
To the back, but don’t let him ride

Keep goin’ girl, it’s your night
Don’t let him steal your light
I know he thinks you’re fine and stuff
But does he know how to wind you up?
(Come on)

Uh, uh, uh, Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
Uh, uh, Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
Uh, uh, Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
Uh, uh, Wind it up, Yodellay, yodallay, yodal-low, hey!”

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Dirk Noel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

Akon performs “I Wanna Love You”

…..Annette Bening
…..Akon

Annette Bening: Ladies and gentlemen, Akon.

Akon: (singing)
“Convict…Music…and you know we up front.

I see you windin’ and grindin’ up on the floor
I know you see me lookin’ at you and you already know
I wanna love you, you already know
I wanna love you, you already know.

Shorty, I can see you ain’t lonely
Handful of brothers and they all got cheese
See you lookin’ at me now what it’s gon’ be
Just another tease far as I can see
Tryna get you up out this club if it means spendin’ a couple dubs
Throwin’ bout 30 stacks in the back make it rain like that cause I’m far from a scrub
And you know my pedigree, ex-deala use to move phetamines
Girl I spend money like it don’t mean nothing and besides I got a thing for you.

I see you windin’ and grindin’ up on the floor,
I know you see me lookin’ at you and you already know
I wanna love you, you already know
I wanna love you, you already know girl

Girl, and while you’re looking at me I’m ready to hit the caddy
Right up on the patio move the patty to the caddy
Baby you got a phatty, the type I like to marry
Wantin’ to just give you everything and that’s kinda scary
Cause I’m loving the way you shake your — (okay!)
Booty bouncin’, got me tippin’ my glass
Normally don’t get caught up too fast (What!)
But I got a thing for you

I see you windin’ and grindin’ up on the floor,
I know you see me lookin’ at you and you already know
I wanna love you, you already know
I wanna love you, you already know

I see you windin’ and grindin’ up on the floor,
I know you see me lookin’ at you and you already know
I wanna love you, you already know
I wanna love you, you already know

(music dies)

I see you windin’ and grindin’ up on the floor,
I know you see me lookin’ at you and you already know
I wanna love you (tell em’, Akon!), you already know
I wanna love you, you already know

Girl…”

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Dirk Noel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

An SNL Digital Short: Pep Talk

Manager…..Fred Armisen
Tia…..Amy Poehler
Brad…..Matthew Fox
Jordan…..Kenan Thompson
Pete…..Andy Samberg
Will…..Will Forte

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[ dissolve to interior, fast food restaurant decorated for Christmas. The Manager exits his office to stand before a meeting with his four staff members. ]

Manager: Alright, guys. The holiday season is upon us, and, since we’re so close to the mall, it means we’re gonna get a lot more foot traffic. So, I kind of need you guys to work as a team.

Tia: [ bored, half-asleep ] Is this why you brought us in here at tne o’clock in the morning?

Manager: Tia, I really need your full attention here. This is really important. [ a beat ] I’m going to aks you guys to start working double shifts.

Brad: Drew? You couldn’t have just put that on the schedule?

Manager: Brad? Two seconds: I’m over there, I’m taking you down! Two seconds!

[ Brad just stares at the Manager without saying a word ]

Manager: Where was I? Uh – they’re gonna discontinue the Santa Fe Sandwich.. but we still have them, so, uh.. pretty much, on the register, just press, uh, medium fries twice, that should work.

Jordan: But.. what if somebody wants two medium fries?

Manager: Jordan! [ slaps his manual on the table ] I swear to God! Five seconds: I’m over this chair, I’m in your face, and I’m kicking you in the chest!

Jordan: But I just asked a question!

Manager: Jordan! It’s going to happen! Now, uh, let’s talk a little about the, uh, the drive-thru.

Pete: [ raises his hand ] That’s me.

Manager: Pete! One second: one punch, BACK of the head! ONE SECOND!!

Brad: Drew. No one’s arguing with you. We all like to work here. We just.. can’t function when you communicate with us like this.

Pete: Yeah.

Jordan: Right.

Tia: Yeah.

Manager: Okay. I see what you’re saying. ‘Cause I was thinking maybe a ltitle bit more like: BRAD! Seven seconds: I’m grabbing you by the collar, your face is in the deep fryer!

Brad: What?!

Manager: PETE! Two seconds: I pull out your eyes, and they’re going in the garbage!

Pete: Why?!

Manager: JORDAN! Twenty seconds: I’m over there, I’m gonna rip out oyur jaw!

Jordan: [ incredulous ] Twenty seconds?

Manager: TIA! Half-second: my ass is in your mouth!

Tia: What?

Manager: Twenty-nine-and-a-half seconds, and you’re ALL gone! This is BEYOND a threat!! It’s a PROMISE!!

Tia: Drew, what’s going on with you, man?

Manager: [ twists his arms over his head and grits his teeth with a whimper ] I don’t know! I have an anger problem, I don’t know how to control it – you guys are my only friends, I’m sorry!

Brad: Drew, it’s alright. We’re all here for you, buddy.

Manager: [ calms himself down ] Thanks.

Will: [ enters the restaurant ] Sorry I’m late, guys, what did I miss?

[ the Manager clenches his fist and shakes in great distress while growling, until his head finally explodes. The staff reacts with jerk reactions ]

[ reveal the headless body of the Manager. No, wait – it’s a dummy! The real Manager picks himself up from the floor. ]

Manager: Okay, guys. Enough fun and games. Let’s get back to work.

[ cut to “Lost”-style title card that read: “Happy Holidays” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

Good Morning I Hate This Town

Alan French…..Jason Sudeikis
Samantha Collingswood…..Annette Bening
Weatherman…..Kenan Thompson
Pam Dibble…..Amy Poehler

[ open on morning talk show montage ]

Jingle
“Potholes and bad schools
High, private, real fools
You can feel it in the air
You’d rather be anywhere
Than stuck here in this no-good, dumbass town.”

[ title card zooms in ]

[ dissolve to morning talk show set, whose two hosts beam brightly behind faux smiles ]

Alan French: Welcome back to “Good morning I Hate This Town.” I’m Alan French.

Samantha Collingswood: And I’m Samantha Collingswood. How was your weekend, Alan?

Alan French: Oh, TERRIBLE! Just UTTERLY TERRIBLE! I wanted to take the wife somewhere nice for dinner —

Samantha Collingswood: In this dumbass town? [ they share the laugh ] Good luck!

Alan French: Oh, tell me about it! We ended up going to Dingo’s, that Outback Steakhouse rip-off.

Samantha Collingswood: You would think even a dumbass town like ours would have a REAL Outback, but NOPE!

Alan French: No. So I asked the waiter to bring the closest thing they had to the Bloomin’ Onion. Guess what he brings?

Samantha Collingswood: Oh, boy!

Alan French: A RAW ONION!! On a PLATE! [ laughs ]

Samantha Collingswood: Unbelievable!

Alan French: I mean, if I hadn’t spent my whole life in this dumbass town full of dumbasses, I would have spit out my drink! But, I just shook my head.

Samantha Collingswood: What else can you do?

Alan French: [ chuckles ] What else can you do! [ pats Samantha across the knee ] How have you been?

Samantha Collingswood: Well, I woke up this morning in a good mood —

Alan French: Oh? Why’s that?

Samantha Collingswood: Well, I had a dream that this dumbass town had been washed away in a flood!

Alan French: [ as he sips his coffee ] Mmm! Wouldn’t that be nice?

Samantha Collingswood: Whoa! Bingo! [ they chuckle together ] And I looked out the window, and I saw the stupid houses full of dumdums, and they were all still there and my heart sunk.

Alan French: [ chuckles ] Aw, that is rough!

Samantha Collingswood: Crushing. I HATE this dumbass town so much!

Alan French: Oh, boy. I know it. So, what do we have on the docket today?

Samantha Collingswood: Well, later we’re gonna be joined by Mayor Tom Riddlin.

Alan French: Oh! You mean, KING of the DUMBASSES!

Samantha Collingswood: The one and only! [ Alan cracks up ] Oh, he’s gonna try and use his tiny chicken brain to explain why our town is dead LAST in every conceivable statewide category except one: SUCKINESS!

Alan French: Alright! Well, let’s check in with the weather. Larry, anything our viewers should know?

[ cut to Larry the weatherman, standing in front of an umbrella graphic ]

Weatherman: Hey, DUMBASSES!! Don’t go outside without one of these! [ points to the umbrella graphic ]

[ cut back to Alan and Samantha ]

Samantha Collingswood: [ faux smiling ] I don’t know he bothers!

Alan French: Ohhh, me neither! Me neither! Let’s walk over and meet cooking expert Pam Dibble, shall we?

Samantha Collingswood: Alright!

[ they walk over to the cooking set, where Pam Dibble waits ]

Samantha Collingswood: Good morning, Pam!

Pam Dibble: [ perky ] Hi, guys!

Alan French: Now, just to clarify — you’re not from this town, correct?

Pam Dibble: Uh — that’s right.

Samantha Collingswood: I guess that explains why you’re not a drooling idiot.

[ Alan and Samantha laugh heartily; Pam joins in to be polite ]

Pam Dibble: Um — I guess!

Samantha Collingswood: Ahhhh!

Alan French: So, what do you have for us today?

Pam Dibble: Well, uh — uh — I’m gonna show you how to make gingerbread cookie ornaments that you can eat.

Samantha Collingswood: Now, just for the goons at home — they shouldn’t eat their other ornaments, right?

Pam Dibble: [ smiles, unsure of the connotation ] Uh — of course not.

Samantha Collingswood: Okay!

Alan French: Well, you can’t assume anything from THESE halfwits!

Pam Dibble: Okay. Uh — so the first thing we’re gonna do is, we’re gonna crack an egg in a bowl —

Alan French: Okay, let me see that thing. [ grabs the egg ] Here we go. [ holds the egg to the camera ] Hey, you GOT that, dumbasses?! That’s an EGG!

Samantha Collingswood: Okay. Now what?

Pam Dibble: [ retrieves the egg from Alan ] Okay. So we crack an egg in a bowl —

Samantha Collingswood: Oh. Oh. [ grabs the bowl, holds it up to the camera ] That’s this metal thing, you dumbasses!

Pam Dibble: [ whispers to Samantha ] Do they know not to put the shells in it?

Samantha Collingswood: I doubt it.

Alan French: No way. No way.

Samantha Collingswood: No.

Pam Dibble: Um — keep the shells out of the bowl —

Alan French: Alright, let’s stop there, Pam. That’s probably all these morons can handle in one day! Maybe we’ll pick it up again tomorrow!

Pam Dibble: Um — I’m sorry. Aren’t you worried that people might call in and complain?

Alan French: Oh, yeah! Yeah, we’re really worried about that! Yeah!

Samantha Collingswood: Right. Um —

[ together, Alan and Samantha mime what a dumbass looks like trying to dial a telephone — holding the receiver to the top of their head, under their arm, up their own ass, etc. ]

Samantha Collingswood: Thanks, Pam!

Alan French: Aww, WORST town on Earth!

Samantha Collingswood: Aw, when we come back: a local moron shows us something worthless!

Alan French: I can’t wait!

Samantha Collingswood: Whoo!

[ title card reappears onscreen ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

An SNL Movie Trailer Recut

[MPAA logo. “R” for Restricted.]

[Opens with Mayan indian Jaguar Paw opening his eyes,dramatic music, shot of the rising sun]

Caption on black screen: From Mel Gibson. AcademyAward Winning Director of Braveheart and The Passion of the Christ.

[Shot of a panther’s eye]

Caption on black screen: What would cause one of thegreatest civilizations in history….

[Shots of Mayan sculptures, statues]

Caption on black screen: To dissapear?

[Shot of Jaguar Paw bound and sitting on the jungle,looks up and answers]

Jaguar Paw:[Subtitled] The Jews.

[Shots of Mayan indians running like hell through the jungle]

Caption subtitles: The jews are coming!! Run for your lives!!

[Mayan chief stands on top of a pyramid, hands up,talks to a large crowd below]

Mayan chief: [Subtitled]Hey, you guys! The jews areresponsible for all the wars in the world![shot ofMayan women laughing] What are you laughing at, sugartits? Aw, I didn’t mean it. I’m so wasted right now.

[Quick action montage]

Caption: Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto

[Shot of creepy Mayan girl]

Mayan Girl: [Whispers. Subtitles] I smell bagels.

[Screen turns black]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 9


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


December 9th, 2006

Justin Timberlake

Justin Timberlake

None

Jimmy Fallon

Cameron Diaz
“Santa’s My Boyfriend”Summary: While trimming the Christmas tree, Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, and Kristen Wiig harmonize about the illicit boyfriend they have in Santa Claus.

Transcript

Montage

Justin Timberlake’s MonologueSummary: Justin Timberlake sings his favorite Christmas song with Alvin (Bill Hader) & The Chipmunks (Fred Armisen, Andy Samberg).

First Hosted: 03b.

Transcript

HomelessvilleSummary: A Salvation Army bellringer dressed as Santa Claus (Will Forte) faces donation competition from Homelessville’s Cup-of-Soup mascot (Justin Timberlake).

Recurring Characters: Mascot.

Target GreatlandSummary: While the Target clerk (Kristen Wiig) leaves shoppers hanging so she can buy decorative merchandise for her home, a stock boy (Justin Timberlake) mulls his chapped, burned, allergen-ridden lips.

Recurring Characters: Target Clerk.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: In a send up of R&B/rap videos of the early 90’s, a Color Me Badd-esque duo (Andy Samberg, Justin Timberlake) surprise their ladies by gifting their “Dick in a Box”.

Transcript

The Barry Gibb Talk ShowSummary: Robin Gibb (Justin Timberlake) remains mum while Barry Gibb (Jimmy Fallon) issues insane threats to his political guests.

Recurring Characters: Barry Gibb, Robin Gibb, Jimmy Carter.

Transcript

Dry EyesSummary: The game show where the winners don’t cave in to their emotions and cry.

Note: Originally cut from the Matthew Fox dress rehearsal two weeks earlier.

Transcript

Justin Timberlake performs “My Love”Lyrics

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Lou Dobbs (Darrell Hammond) provides his solutions for making a 700-mile wall along the Mexican border a reality. A same-sex couple from New Jersey (Fred Armisen, Bill Hader) comment on their civil union and the Christmas holidays.

Recurring Characters: Vinnie, Gay Guy from New Jersey.

Transcript

Hip Hop KidsSummary: Teenaged hip hop artists ignorantly try to dance their way out of a mine shaft they got trapped in while using it as a shortcut.

Transcript

St. Ambrose AcademySummary: Mrs. Hastings (Kenan Thompson) comes to the rescue when her ghetto-acting stepdaughter (Justin Timberlake) covets the role of an elf in the school play.

Recurring Characters: Mrs. Hastings.

A Holiday Message From Nancy GraceSummary: Nancy Grace (Amy Poehler) bestows her judgment upon the story of a stripper who falsely accused three college boys of raping her.

Recurring Characters: Nancy Grace.

Justin Timberlake performs “What Goes Around”Lyrics

GoodnightsTranscript

]]>

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Quitting TimeSummary: Toy store employee (Justin Timberlake) brags to his co-worker (Fred Armisen) about getting off work at five o’clock.

Anderson Cooper 360Summary: Anderson Cooper (Seth Meyers) talks to two soldiers (Jason sudeikis, Will Forte) about the U.S. exit strategy from Iraq.

Recurring Characters: Anderson Cooper.

Condom AdSummary: Soap opera stars Michael Park and Kim Zimmer talk about the condoms they use during sex scenes.

Old FriendsSummary: A man (Will Forte) kidnaps Justin Timberlake to impress a woman (Maya Rudolph).

Michael McDonald’sSummary: michael McDonald (Justin Timberlake) decides to open a similarly-named fast food restaurant.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 4

06d: Hugh Laurie / Beck

Goodnights

…..Hugh Laurie

Hugh Laurie: My thanks to Beck.. and to Borat, and to everyone here at “SNL.” To you, Sweet Cheeks! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 4

06d: Hugh Laurie / Beck

Most Haunted

Derek Acorah…..Hugh Laurie
John Gilbert…..Fred Armisen
Yvette Fielding…..Amy Poehler
Stuart Torrevill…..Bill Hader

Narrator: As the team climbed the stairs to Chillingham Castle bedroom, Derek Acorah insisted he could hear the sound of a young boy crying. The closer he got, the more agitated he became.

(Scene begins in nightvision with slight laughter from audience..)

Derek Acorah: How are our sound levels?

John: Nothing out of the ordinary yet.

Derek Acorah: I hear the cries of a small boy. He’s crying out. I’ve been drawn to the energy around the armoire. Every — everyone else, stay there.

Yvette: Stuart, you have your camera ready?

Stuart: Ready.

Derek Acorah: So here we stand in total darkness in the room of a small boy who suffocated in this very armoire. (shouts out:) Do you have a name? Are you here with us? Why do you cry out?

Yvette: Speak to us. Let your presence be known!

Stuart: If you can hear us, give us a sign!

(Extremely loud fart sound is heard – loud laughter from audience)

Stuart: What was that?

Yvette: Did anyone else hear that?

John: Yeah, I did.

Derek Acorah: (stammering) N-no, I just uh shifted my feet, uh, i-i-it was probably just the tennis slippers scooting against the floor.

Yvette: No, I’m sure that wasn’t it! Do we have playback on that?

John: Well, let me check.

Derek Acorah: (stammering) NO, d-d-d-don’t bother, don’t bother.

John: Got it.

(Fart sound is played back)

Yvette: Let’s hear it again.

(Sound plays again – laughter from audience)

Yvette: Oh my God!

Stuart: That made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up!

John: I’m calling for back-up on the walkie talkie.

Derek Acorah: Oh, no.. It — it sounded more like a, like a… very fat bug uh just flew into the windowpane. That’s what it sounded like to me.

Yvette: That was not a bug! Everyone, listen to it again!

(Sound plays again – more laughter)

Derek Acorah: Look, look…this..this is an old castle. It’s probably large stones, shifting in the foundation.

Yvette: It’s like a spirit is trying to tell us something.

John: You know, I can slow it down…

Yvette: Yeah, good idea, good idea. Let’s see if it’s the boy trying to communicate with us.

John: Here it is…

(Sound plays slowly – extremely loude laughter from audience)

(Derek rolls his eyes and groans)

Yvette: Shhh!!! Listen.. It sounded like he said a name. Julian. Did you hear it? Ju-u-ulian, Ju-u-lian (Loudly to the room): Who is Julian, are you Julian?

Stuart: Let’s hear it again.

(Sound plays slowly – more laughter)

Stuart: Sounded more like Roger to me. RO-O-O-Oger. Ro-o-oger. (Shouts to room:) Is there a Roger here?

John: Let me hear it again, but slower.

(Sound plays very, very slow – more laughter from audience)

John: Seems to me it sounds like a young boy saying, “WHHHYYYY? WHHHHYYYY?”

Derek Acorah: Uh, I think I just heard far-off cries from another room in a far off area of the castle! W-we should move there immediately and leave here!

Yvette: But there’s so much paranormality here. Stuart, do you have playback on the thermal camera?

Stuart: I’m gonna need some light.

(The room lights up normally, after being in nightvision)

Stuart: Ok, let me cue it up…Got it!

(Thermal cam shows infrared image of Derek, panning down to his butt, where a misty cloud of air escapes. – Laughter and applause from audience)

Derek Acorah: (rolls his eyes and mumbles) Oh, God.

Yvette: Oh, my god. This is terrifying! Stuart, can we see it again in slow motion?

Derek Acorah: Oh, please!

(Thermal cam image is shown again in slow motion – more laughter and applause)

Yvette: What do you make of it, Stuart?

Stuart: The spirit’s energy seems to be focused right behind Derek.

Derek Acorah: Look, we should-we should get out of here, t-this could be bad you know.

Yvette: Oh my God! As I’m approaching you, Derek, there’s an intesifying sulfuric smell! Everyone! Come over here and stand next to Derek!

John: Alright, nobody move. There is definitely evil here. Oh, I’m getting light headed!!!

Derek Acorah: (Fed up) Oh, bloody hell, I broke wind alright?!!! Why- Why do you have to investigate things so exhaustively?!!

Yvette: Because we’re bloody paranormal investigators!

Derek Acorah: Look, I LET ONE RIP!!! You’ve solved the mystery, are you happy?!!!

Child’s voice in background: Julian!

Everyone: (Ad-libbed) : Maybe we should leave, yeah let’s leave. Definitely. Alright.

Transcribed by: Jeri Anne Holman

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 4

06d: Hugh Laurie / Beck

Linder & Bowles

Linder…..Fred Armisen
Bowles…..Hugh Laurie
Rebecca…..Amy Poehler

[Opens with shot of fancy buildings on a metropolitancity. Cut to an office. Linder & Bowles conduct a jobinterview. Bowles sits behind a desk reading a resume,Linder casually sits on top of the desk. Attractiveblond businesswoman sits in front of them]

Bowles: Your resume looks great, Rebecca.

Linder: Oh, yeah. You are more than qualified.

Rebecca: Thank you. I’m just happy to be considered.

Linder: You should be. Linder & Bowles its thelargest, most powerful full service law firm inConnecticut.

Rebecca: Oh, I know.

Bowles: So it says here that you went to Columbia?

Rebecca: I studied economics, yes.

Linder: Economics, mmmm.

Bowles: Then you moved to Illinois. Where were you?

Rebecca: Schaumberg.

Bowles: Mmmm. Sounds fancy.

Rebecca: It was ok. I was just working for aninsurance company.

Bowles: Oh, really? What did you do there?

Rebecca: Legal assistant.

Linder: Legal assistant? Oooooooeeeeeoooohh!!!!

Bowles: Legal assistant.

Rebecca: Yeah, my duties were answering phones andfiling.

Linder: Oooooeeeeeooooohh!!!

Rebecca: It wasn’t a big deal. Just secretarialstuff.

Bowles: Ooooooeeeeeooooohh!!!! Now tell us, whatqualifications you feel you’ll bring to our firm?

Rebecca: Well, let’s see. I’m bright.

Linder & Bowles: Oooooooeeeeeoooohh!!!!

Rebecca: And I’m a quick study.

Linder & Bowles: Ooooooeeeeeoooohh!!!

Rebecca: I’m a people person.

Linder & Bowles: Ooooooeeeeeooooohh!!!

Rebecca: I’m focused.

Linder & Bowles: Ooooooeeeeoooohh!!!

Rebecca: Oh, lets see. What else? Oh, yeah. I’mpunctual.

Linder & Bowles: Oooooeeeeoooohh!!!

Rebecca: Conscientious.

Linder & Bowles: Ooooooeeeeeooooohh!!!

Rebecca: Good with clients.

Linder & Bowles: Oooooooeeeeoooohh!!!

Rebecca: I listen—

Linder & Bowles: Oooooeeeooooohh!!!

Rebecca: —and ok, that’s it. That’s it.

Bowles: That’s it? Come on, Rebecca. Just tell us onemore positive thing about yourself.

Rebecca: One more thing?

Linder: Yes, please.

Rebecca: Umm…[Linder & Bowles eagerly wait for it,mouths puckered for their childish “Oooooeeeooohh!!”]I really don’t mind working long—-

Linder & Bowles: Oooooooeeeeooooohh!!!

Rebecca: —hours.

Linder & Bowles: Oooooeeeoooohh!!!

Rebecca: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. That, that thing thatyou’re doing.

Linder: What’s that?

Rebecca: That “Ooooooeeeeoooohh!!!” Is that a goodthing?

Linder: Yes, yeah.

Rebecca: Oh, ok. Great, so I guess—

[Phone rings]

Bowles: Excuse me.[picks up]This is Bowles.Oooooooeeeeooooohh!!! Oooooooeeeeooohh!! Indictment.Oooooeeeeeeoooooohh!!! Ok, I’ll put him on.[passesphone to Linder]

Linder: Howard Linder. What?! Oooooooeeeeeeooooohh!!Ok. Bye-bye.[hangs up]

Bowles: Well….

Rebecca: Ok, well…

Bowles: You’re hired. Welcome to Linder & Bowles.

Rebecca: Oh, my God! I’m gonna be working at Linder &Bowles! Oooooooeeeeeooooohh!!

[It goes horribly wrong]

Linder: I’m sorry, what was that?

Rebecca: Ooooooeeeoooohh!! You know, oooeeeooohh.

Bowles: Are you being sarcastic?

Linder: Yeah, it sounds like you’re making fun of usor something.

Rebecca: No, no,no, I was just excited, ooohhh.

Bowles: You know, Rebecca. I think we are going tohave to do a little more thinking on this. I’m sorry.

Rebecca: Oh, wow, ok, me too.

Linder: Just get out. Go! Get out! yeah, get out.Walk! There you go.

[Stunned Rebecca gets up and leaves]

Rebecca: I know how to walk.

Linder: There you go. Well, that’s a shame.

Bowles: Damn shame.

Linder: What are you doing for lunch?

Bowles: How about Casa Mexicana?

Linder & Bowles: Ooooooooeeeeeeoooooohh!!!!

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts